Why, why do I have to do this?  As I was showering this morning I thought of my job interview and I thought I was going to be sick.  I thought of all of the crap that I am dealing with.  On one hand I think that my life will be so different if I can just get out of my current job.  On the other hand I just wish I didn't have to work.  I have said this before but it is so not fair that I can't take the time to work thru the post traumatic stress and the abuse.  There are days that I so wish I could just stay in bed.  I wouldn't sleep because I just don't sleep very much, but so many times my body hurts, my head hurts, and there are times where I just want to be by myself. 

I often ask, "what am I supposed to be learning"?  Damn it, what is it that Heavenly Father wants of me?  Are these his expectations, or are they mine?  "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."  I can't tell you how many times that scripture runs thru my head on a daily basis.  Trust- it really is a powerful word, and something that I don't know how to do.  Because if I Trust, then I give up control, and for me that is hard.  So hard.  I don't even know how it feels to trust any more.  This is not new for me.  I have not trusted in years.  I am learning that it is common when trust has been violated by abuse.  But, remember I didn't even know that this existed until last August.  So, is that an excuse, an excuse for me not trusting?

Those who knew me before, including myself, knew how amazing I was.  There are days where I want the old me back.  I want the one that was so sure of the Gospel, the one that was so sure in raising my daughters, the one that did it all.  I have so many times thought back to who I was, my Faith was not perfect but it was enough.  As I have dealt with this trial, I have questioned why Heavenly Father would give this to me.  Not that he gave me the abuse, but he gave me back the memories.  To be honest, I think it was risky.  This trial has knocked the wind out of my sails and has taken me 10 steps back.  How does he know that I am going to come out ahead on this one?  To fight every week to partake of the Sacrament, when sometimes the only thing that gets me to Sacrament is hearing "if I don't take the Sacrament it is self-injury". 

So many times I feel as Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail when he asks "O God,where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?"  Where are you?  I know that I am not the only one that asks this question but when is it enough?  Then as you read further " My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; though shalt triumph over all thy foes."  I would be OK if I didn't even triumph, I am not requesting exaltation, just peace.