Today is EMDR.  I have not had this form of therapy for a couple of weeks.  I have to admit, EMDR is not my favorite form of therapy.  It is actually the most frightening for me, but if I had not had it, I probably would be in the mental hospital.  There was no other way to escape my flashbacks.  And even though it is hard, Heavenly Father directed my path to EMDR.  It truly is a miracle actually.

I had gone toJade, my individual therapist for weeks dealing with my flashbacks.  The problem is, my flashbacks got stuck (they tend to do that a lot!), so I relived the flashbacks of abuse on a daily basis.  Well, of course our marriage started to suffer, and so Jade, referred us to Dr Frank, a marriage therapist.

The first time I met Dr Frank, we talked all three of us, my husband, I and the therapist.  He sent my husband out of the room and began talking to me.  He indicated that he felt that EMDR could really help me, and then advised me that it would be "abuse" if he didn't mention it to me.

I met with Jade the next day.  As we sat in the room, I mentioned to him that Dr Frank, suggested EMDR.  The lightbult went on in Jade's head.  Jade, had no idea that the marriage therapist he had hired did EMDR.  Jade was all over that idea, but as one who was totally unaware of therapy, and memories of abuse just weeks before I was terrified.  I remember feeling as though Jade was trying to pass me off to another therapist to handle me.  I felt like the things I had shared were so private, that the last thing I wanted to do was share them with another person.  (let alone another man, since all of the abuse I suffered was by a male).  There are not many therapists that are certified in EMDR, and although it is hard, I really don't know that I would be here today without it.  As you can see, Heavenly Father directed me to that path, there was no other way to explain it.

EMDR allows me to break free from my flashbacks, but it is hell getting thru them.  It is a draining process.  To be honest, my husband hates driving me to EMDR because when I leave, I am still processing in my head.  Sometimes EMDR opens other doors with more flashbacks and so I sit and cry.  I am one that loves to have control over my life, and am learning that sometimes that is not the best for me. 

Two weeks ago I had a new flashback.  I went to EMDR and told Dr Frank that I just could not do it.  The flashback was still so fresh, so vivid, and so much against everything that I thought I was.  As I explained to him, it was images of pornography in my head, and I was in them.  So, we just talked.  Last week, my schedule did not allow me to meet with Dr Frank.  I met with Jade and I thought I had processed thru my flashback enough.  But, the images are still there, which means that they are stuck again. 

The bad thing is that I need to process that flashback with my brother and then I have a new one.  Different situation, different time, different place, different boy.  I have never had to process two flashbacks at the same time thru EMDR and so today's appointment is giving me major anxiety.  Even just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  I don't want to do it, but I know I have to do it.  The only word that can describe it is "hell".