I am confused.  I am working so hard, trying to do the right thing for myself and for my family.  I have been told I have so many complex issues, and I agree, but I don't know how to get rid of the complex issues. 

Last night, I came home from work.  I was going to go for a walk when I walked into my home and found that nothing had been touched in 2 days.  I had group therapy right after work on Wednesday, I got home after 10:00 so I was not able to clean at all that day.  My husband and college daughter were home all day yesterday.  Nothing had been done.  I had 3 bags of garbage in my kitchen.  Needless to say, I LOST IT!  My husband proceeded to start in on my college daughter advising her that she needed to earn priveleges.  When I asked him what he had done that day to earn priveleges he advised me that he had taken me to work, and picked me up.  (are you kidding me?  I am the one with the pay check, without me going to work we would lose our home, lights, car, etc.)  How is driving me to work such a huge undertaking?  I live just over 1 mile from work.  But, no worries, I don't feel like a burden at all!

My college daughter had a group date night on Wednesday.  As we were discussing the guys that were with the group, she said there was one guy she would never date.  When I asked her why, she proceeded to tell me and her father, that this young man does not respect women.  He advised the group that the reason why he would have a wife is for his maid.  Well, after I came home and saw the mess that no one touched, I asked her why she deserved the respect and I don't.  She advised me that she would rather be single all her life than to be disrespected.  So, did I make a mistake, because I didn't know I was going to be disrespected my entire life. 

I spoke with my Bishop later in the evening.  I evidently enabled my family for so long that now my life is hell.  I have had my two oldest children tell me that we are living in hell.  So, did I put us there?  I didn't know that this was the direction we were going.  I don't know what caused all of this to come right now.  I don't know how to make the pain go away.  If I go back to the way I was, work full time, come home clean, homework, then my family is happy but I'm not.  If I go to therapy, work on getting thru all this crap, and try to improve my own life, then I am happy, but my family is not.  I admit, last night as I was going thru my emotions, I can't tell you how many times I reflected on that $160,000 in life insurance money.  It would clear up a lot of things. 

One of the decisions that I made was to work on myself, go to individual therapy, and work thru my issues.  Well, now I have no idea if I made the right decision.  I am going to a lot of therapy, some days it seems like so much to take in.  Some days I am overwhelmed with even just trying to remember to be in the moment and to breathe.  I thought that if I worked on myself then I could strengthen my family.  So, I let marriage therapy be put on the back burner.  Really, I hated hearing the complaining about marriage therapy, I hated spending the "Lord's" money on something that my husband did not work for and did not appreciate.  But, look at where that decision has gotten me-my children fear that I am going to leave them, my husband is oblivious to the fact that his family is falling apart, and right now, he is the only one that can change this.