Yesterday was hard.  Lessons on the Atonement.  Please don't misunderstand, I am SOOOO grateful for the Savior and his atoning sacrifice, but I still have to learn how it applies to me. 

Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30, I made homemade rolls, ribbon jello, rice krispie treats, funeral potatoes, a bunny cake, and all of this before 9:00 am when I left for choir practice.  I came home, finished planning my lesson, finished getting ready for church, made scones for lunch, and was out the door by 12:20.  As I baked yesterday, I washed dishes in between everything I was doing. By 4:00 I was exhausted.  I went in and laid down for an hour, ate dinner, and by 6:00 my 4 yr old was ready for a nap.  I got her down, let her sleep until 7:30 got up and went to my parents.  I came home at 10:00 and nothing was done.  The left over dinner had not been put away, the dishes had not been done, the kids weren't in bed, no one had showered, and needless to say, I LOST IT.

I love my husband, but his motivation towards our family and our marriage right now sucks!  All the times that we went to marriage therapy, he did his homework once.  When I lost it, I advised him that  he has a hard time showing me that our marriage is important to him.  He came up with some magnificent idea that he is going to use to make us tons of money, "he's been working on it."  He's been working on it for 21 years.  He can sit home and come up with ideas, but I still have to work.  When I got frustrated and advised him that the last time he actually saw my parents was Christmas, he went off.  He stated that I know why he doesn't want to go up to my parents.  Yes, I do know he does not want to see my brother's sons.  But, you know, I am the one that was abused by my brother, if I can work thru it, then why can't he.  That is when he went off and told me that he hates that he can't touch me and how he makes me nervous, etc.  OK, now my abuse, is all about him.  Look around you, do you not see that the way you are treating me, the abuse is continuing?  When do I become important?  Yesterday was a holiday for everyone but me.  So many times I feel like I am nothing more than a pay check that walks in the door and pays the bills.  Even then, work is going oh so well, that I wish I didn't have a need for a pay check. 

My emotions are all over the place.  On Saturday morning when I woke up and took 2 tums I chose to not have any more calcium that day.  To be honest, I didn't care if I had kidney pain for days, I didn't want to drink my excess amounts of water to flush out my kidneys.  It was too much work for me, and so I didn't have the calcium.  Needless to say, by the time I finally took it last night, the tingling was excessive.  Last night, the muscle cramps lasted thru the night, evidently I let my calcium number get too low.  My body hurts so bad today.  It does not help that my emotions are the driving force behind all that I do.

Tomorrw, I meet with my LDS family services therapist for the 2nd to last time.  Evidently, there is a process to this termination of therapy.  Remember, those of us with borderline have feelings of abandonment.  I have found that we also try to avoid the abandonment which means to put it simply, I would rather stop the relationship then someone stopping it for me.  (I hope that makes sense!)  I don't want to do this.  Please don't get me wrong, I love my new therapist, and she is going to be awesome, but I hate goodbye's.  I am so not prepared for this.  I can't believe that this is happening.  I had no idea that there was a limit to my visits.  How come no one prepared me for this? 

Last night, after I cooled down I went in to my girls room.  They all cried themselves to sleep.  Look at what I did to them.