I haven't written for a few days.  There has been a reason for this and I need to get it out in the open.  When I started this blog, it was for me.  I have so many thoughts going thru my head and I needed somewhere for them to go, besides staying put.  I have been able to write my deepest thoughts.  In therapy, one of the first lessons you learn is being able to talk to "safe" people.  When you have been violated, as I have been, it is hard to "trust" anyone.  It is hard to even "trust" yourself.  Even Wednesday night, after group therapy, I started thinking about some things and realized that in a way, I feel like I have betrayed myself. 

With this blog, I have really been able to open up.  Most don't know my identity, and the cyber world is huge.  But, I have shared my identity with a few very close "safe" people.  Sometimes things happen, and my identity was uncovered this week.  After my identity was uncovered I asked myself a lot of questions.  What do I do now with this blog?  I have asked myself that question now for 3 days.  I can't just stop writing because I still have a lot of crap to go thru and I need somewhere for it to go.  I thought about locking it, and to be honest, it is still a very real possibility.  But, I started thinking that there was a reason why I didn't lock it.  I still feel that if someone can take any lesson from this blog, then all of the pain that I have felt, would be worth it.

So, what did I learn from this experience?  I learned that I am no longer that little girl that was abused by her brother, but I am the adult.  I need to make my own decisions.  There is always going to be someone that has an opinion, and realistically, their intentions are good.  The one that disclosed my identity really was trying to help out of love.  But, in the end, I am the one that needs to live this life.  I even had one friend ask "what is the worst thing that could happen?"

I am going to be honest, I still don't know how to "trust" myself.  It would be so much easier for me if someone would make my decisions in life for me.  But, the Bishop even reminded me that when I make a decision, I need to "own" it.  I can't tell you how scared I am of taking that one step in the dark.  I feel like I am in the dark a lot.  The "worst" thing that could happen for me is that I take some steps back because I want to keep moving forward.