I went and met with my new therapist this morning.  I was so nervous, Thankfully, I knew her and my heart was set at ease.  We talked about the anxiety that I felt from this last week.  I talked to her about some of the information that I received in regards to borderline personality.  She pulled out her book and we went thru the descriptions of borderline personality.  You have to be able to say "yes" to 5 of 9 charachteristics.  Well, I definitely could.  But what she pointed out was my misconception of exactly what borderline personality is.  It doesn't say that people with borderline are manipulative, or tells stories.  Much like what I was lead to believe.  It does say that those of us with this issue have problems dealing with emotions, we struggle with feelings of abandonment (my impression is we think that the people that we get close to we feel we won't keep them forever if we do something to upset them, or we work extra hard to keep them in our lives.)  One of the things that I struggle wrapping my mind around is the feelings of self worth.  To be honest, I thought that most women felt the same way I do about their bodies.  I thought that most people were concerned about what people thought of them.  I thought that most people struggled with not liking their bodies.  I thought that most members of the church questioned their worthiness for the sacrament and most importantly a temple recommend.  What I am finding, is that I was so wrong.  To me, the Sacrament is such a sacred ordinance.  It is such a huge ordeal to covenant that we will live each day to be like the Savior, that as we take upon us his name, that we will truly live each day worthy of his spirit. 

I evidently have a lot to work on because evidently, my thoughts are a little misconstrued. 

When I was talking to my new therapist I mentioned that I had not had my first flashback until after I had been in therapy a couple of weeks and was asked to do my homework in the book Healing the Child Within.  She then said to me, the book did what it was supposed to do.  My appointment was this morning, and now 8 hours later, I think that the knowledge of that statement sucks.  Did I really carry myself as one that was abused, and didn't even know it?  How can I not know I was abused?  If it were my daughter what would I do?  I still have so many questions that I want to ask of my old therapist.  I asked him once and I don't have the answer but why is it so important for me to heal my inner child?  There are still so many things that I have not processed and I have 2 visits to do it in.  There are so many things that I started with my old therapist and due to circumstances in our sessions we have not processed.  To be honest I think it sucks! 

Last night, my eating sucked.  I starved myself most of the day.  So, then I finally eat and I did eat.  I didn't think I went overboard but I woke up with major heartburn at about 4:00.  Well, for so many heartburn is nothing you take some tums and go to bed.  For me, I debated for 45 minutes if I could live with the heartburn, or did I want to take 2 tums and suffer the complications of having extra calcium going thru my kidneys because that is the only place my calcium was going to go.  Again, that sucks!  My calcium is so regulated.  I know exactly the right amount of calcium I need on a daily basis.  When I end up taking more, my kidneys hurt for days as I force it thru. 

I asked my friend why they say that therapy is such hard work, is it because I cry all the time?  She said she couldn't explain it just that the mind and body are connected.  It doesn't seem like hard work to go and talk about your issues until you realize that your sessions never end.  There is so much work to do.  I have been asked to have some goals for my next session.  One of the deciding factors for me this last week in regards to my options and why I knew I needed to keep going to therapy was because my ultimate goal is to feel worthy of my temple recommend, and to not be afraid of attending the temple.  I had no idea how bad I want that to happen for me.  I also had no idea how deep the pain really is.  That is the reason why I started on this journey, was because I didn't feel worthy of a temple recommend, now I have one and haven't used it.  I have a lot to work on.  I hope I am ready, because there are other goals that I need write, including my relationship with my daughters and husband, my goals for work, and then my goal to forgive.  (gosh I hope I can do it.  Right now, the pain is still too fresh.  I even told my therapist today that I wish in my heart that I could say it was a story that I had made up.)