Todays post might be a long one.  I would apologize but as I thought about this blog I reminded myself that this blog is for me and so if it takes 3 computer screens until I feel I am done writing, then it takes me that long.  And, realistically, you can stop reading at any time.  It is just so necessary for me to do this, for myself.

I did not post yesterday.  This week has been rough.  I have been going thru my thoughts, and yes I have been in my head A LOT.  My friend talks me out of my tree on a daily basis.  She is a good woman, and once again, I can't tell you how blessed I am to have her in my life. 

Yesterday, was another one of those days where I was in my head.  I still questioned my decision in regards to therapy.  I will be honest, the reason why I questioned my decision is because when I learned that I could not see my therapist and he gave me his options, I was the one that thought up my option 3.  I know it's crazy to think this but you know I am working on my "thinking errors" and I wondered if my option 3 was really going to be OK for all involved.  I still pray that this is the way my Heavenly Father wants me to go.  I put an awful lot on his shoulders.  My LDS Bishop, is an amazing, humble man that has been thru a lot with me.  So many times in our religion we tend to question why someone was called to a certain position.  I have no doubt that this man was called to be MY Bishop as I ventured on this journey.  Just as our prior Bishop was called to be the Bishop when my sister passed away.

In one of my prior therapy sessions my counselor advised me that I did not let my Bishop in.  I needed clarification because my Bishop has been with me thru this entire process.  He has heard it all, seen it all, bought me my own box of kleenex, and given me so many priesthood blessings, he knows it all.  Every step along the way, he has been there and pretty much held my hand thru it all. 

Yesterday, I had a moment where I felt like I could not do this anymore.  I sent an email to my Bishop advising my concerns.  He responded with what came across to me as a harsh email.  I admit, I let my head get the best of me, and I climbed higher in my tree.  My friend tried to talk me down, but I had climbed pretty high.  She pointed out another tendency that I have towards Borderline Personality, where I like to prove myself.  She advised me that I pretty much needed to rise above that.  That will be a hard one for me.  As I said to her I would hope that my values would speak louder than my words, and you know the way I have lived my life, I still believe that my values will speak louder for me.

So, once again I am in my tree, and yesterday, I was stuck, it was bad.  I didn't want to do this anymore.  I felt like I had been dealt a crappy hand, by pretty much everyone that existed in my life.  And I am going to just write this once but I felt abandoned.  (I only want to write that once because to me it is an ugly word.) I felt that I was being thrown to the curb like yesterdays garbage.  I sent a text to my Bishop advising him that I felt that I was being treated a little unfairly.  This man, that was called of God, did something for me that I will always be eternally grateful.  This man, sent me back a very deep text and honestly, I was CHASTENED!  I also knew I was being chastened because as soon as I saw that text a scripture came into my head "I the Lord will chasten".  It was as though it came from my Heavenly Father, and you know what, I totally needed it.  I could not believe it.  If the Bishop wanted me out of my tree, he knew just how to do it because it was immediate.  It wasn't like I was being punished, it was like how you feel when someone throws cold water on you.  Everything made sense to me. 

At one point this week when I questioned my options I advised the Bishop that I did not trust my own judgement and so I was relying on him to help me thru this.  We talked thru the options and both of us came up with the same impression.  But, I forgot one thing, I questioned my decision all week.  What I forgot was what my therapist was trying to teach me when he told me to let my Bishop in.  When I didn't trust me, I went to the Bishop.  I know the Bishop was called of God and he knows the entire situation, when he made the decision for the direction for me to go, I needed to accept that as the FINAL decision.  I didn't, which caused all my heartache this week.  I didn't trust.  Bishop pointed that out too. 

I have cried so much in the last 24 hours.  I am trying to help myself, and my family thru all of this.  Even last night as I laid in bed and my husband was advising me how hard it is going to be to forgive my brother for what he has done to me and my family, I understand that this is not just about me.  (Bishop pointed that out too) I know that my actions are affecting my family.  My family is going thru hell right now.  We have been thru hell before, but this time seems to be going on for a longer duration.  I don't know how it's going to end up either.  The last time my family went thru hell I could still control the situation.  I could stop the missionary discussions, and I did.  This time, I have no control (so not fair!) This time there are so many more ups and downs.  And yes, I know that I struggle with control and trust (Bishop!). 

As I look back on this post I want to point out a couple of things.  First, I have often said that I often feel like I can't hold on to the iron rod.  Thankfully, there was someone there that took my hand and helped me hold on when I didn't think I could.  Second, I am so grateful for the lesson that I learned yesterday in regards to being chastened.  Look up the scriptures and read the ones on being chastened.  I did, and you know what, it was a blessing, that even though it hurt, and was a total slap in the face, I was truly blessed.