It is so not fair.  Yesterday was my second to last session with my current therapist.  I thought that there was a direction to ending therapy.  I thought that he would tie up loose ends, and close the chapter.  I thought that there was supposed to be some wind down to all of this.  If there is, it so didn't happen yesterday.  If anything he wound me up, and now I'm supposed to figure this out.  I hate this!  There is that ugly word again.  He gave me so much to think about that sleep did not come easily to me last night.  When I advised my friend that my session was not the wind down that I expected, she advised me that he is working to the end.  Well, that is nice because when he works to the end, is he going to leave me hanging?  The way that I am feeling today, if he does the same thing to me on the last session, it's not going to be a pretty weekend for my new therapist. 

I am sure you are wondering, what was said in my session?  We talked about what my goals were.  He did tell me that my goals were set when I first started, emotion regulation, boundaries, & better relationships.  After I did my homework and discovered the abuse, my goals changed or were put on the back burner.  It then became survival, his goal was to get me thru the trauma.  I am so grateful that he was there to help me thru the trauma because for months it was ugly.  At times, it is still ugly.  I keep putting the trauma of abuse on the back burner so that I can deal with more important issues that are surrounding me.  It does seem to rear its ugly head when I least expect it.  If you would have seen me in October or even at Christmas, you would find I am a totally different person.  The flashbacks affected me that much.  They were an awful chapter in my life.

Yesterday, we were talking about feelings of worthiness.  He asked why I felt the way I do.  He advised me that I was self-sabotaging!  (Nice, what the heck is that?)  I researched it :).  I know, shocker!  I'm still trying to figure it out, but again I have the looming question, why don't I feel worthy?  My Bishop asked me some very blunt questions regarding to my worthiness and the abuse.  I haven't felt worthy for most of my adult life.  I remember when I went thru for the first time, I couldn't believe I was there, and second, I hoped they would let me out.  What if I didn't do things right?  Would they let me out?  Every time I have gone it has been a terrifying experience for me because what if I didn't measure up?  What if I forgot something?  Now when I have had the images that I have had, put in my head, I am not going to lie, it is hard. 

You know people go to LDS family services to rid themselves of pornography addiction.  They overcome that and after going thru the repentance process, they can actually rid themselves of those images.  In my situation, the images that I have had, will never go away.  They aren't as vibrant as they were back in August, but they are never going away.  I think the hard thing for me is that I had no idea, but as I look back on my life, my entire life was formed around that abuse.  I truly believed that I had the perfect childhood, we had our struggles, but I idealized them.