So many things to think about.  I met with my new therapist last night.  I admit, I was not prepared to hear what she had to say.  I chose her because I knew she would make me work, but I also chose her because she was honest and upfront with me.  She always has been, even when I didn't want to hear what she had to say.  We call that BLUNT!  It's good for me because I need someone like that to shake me and wake me up. 

As we were closing our session, she advised me that she didn't feel that she had enough training to help me thru my trauma.  She feels that we need to involve another therapist.  My head is spinning.  I have so many questions for myself.  I cry a lot.  Some of the questions that I have had over the last 12 hours are:  Am I expecting too much?  What have I done wrong?  I have been doing this for 8 months.  I have been very blessed to have a Bishop that saw that I had a need for help.  My therapy has been paid for by my neighbors.  I don't live in the richest part of town.  I have the most generous neighbors around.  Amazing neighbors, neighbors that I miss when they move out of the ward, neighbors that I miss when they pass to the other side.  Have I been doing enough to get thru this, or have I been taking advantage of their generousity?

We are told in the scriptures that the Lord is refining us.  I have researched refining in the scripture sense.  I know that each one of us will be refined in our own way, that the refining process is different for everyone.  I keep telling my Sunday School class that there is no wrong way to read the scriptures, that each one of us are going to read a chapter of scripture and will take something completely different out of it.  Just like we learn differently from reading the scriptures, we will all learn differently from our trials, from our refining process.  It's hard to believe that the Lord chose this refining process for me.  Several weeks ago in therapy my LDS family therapist advised me that even Christ had an angel in Gethsemane.  To be honest, I didn't believe him, because I hadn't known that fact, I thought that Christ was completely alone.  I of course researched it and I now know that Christ did in fact have an angel with him.  I went to Deseret Book last week and found the most beautiful book with a picture of Christ in Gethsemane, with his angel.  I will never know the pains that were felt while in that Garden.  The price for Eternal Salvation is great, I understand that, that is our ultimate goal.  This is the hardest test I have ever had. 

I don't know what I am going to do.  My dear friend reminded me again that I needed to "trust".