So, I think I completed the unanswered section of my flashback last night.  I physically wanted to throw up.  Mentally, I hear the little girl inside me say "no one can ever know about this."  I bet I have repeated that to myself over 100 times in the last 8 hours since.  The sad thing is that I totally agree with that voice right now.  Anytime I even think about it, I again want to throw up.

Who am I?  I am surely not the girl that I have seen in my flashbacks.  But, yet, I am.  How could that be me?  When did I form my values?  Evidently my values at the age of 15 were different than my values before that.  I can honestly say I feel like a hypocrite because I said one thing and did another.  I remember when I was in young women's I met with the Bishop.  I remember him asking me if I kept the law of Chastity.  I remember saying "yes," and then him looking across from his desk at me.  He was holding a pencil in his hand and rolling it around in his fingers.  He said to me "do you even know what the law of Chastity is?"  He then defined it for me.  This when I ask myself, is this when my values changed? 

When I first started with my initial flashback, I asked the Bishop, over and over again, how could my brother ever have served a mission?  If I don't feel worthy, what in the hell made him feel worthy?  To be honest, I don't know how many people he baptized, but I hope it wasn't many.  (that is an awful thing to say)  The more information I am given, the more I realize that mission was for me. (damn it)  I don't want to be compensated.  I just don't want it to exist.  I know it is not right to say this but how is this fair?  I know life is not fair, but really, how is this fair? 

I keep thinking, I was older, I should have known better.  But, then, I am no idiot, I know my brother.  He was very volatile.  He would get angry at the drop of a hat.  He was very abusive, he was bigger than I, and to be honest, he hurt all of us often.  Now, I am realizing it was in more than one way.