I have been working on my homework over the course of the week.  Jade had me working chapters 4-6 in A Gift to Myself.  I thought that I had those chapters pretty much done so decided to proceed to chapter 7.  In Chapter 7, they have you list all of your abuses, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  This chapter has been one of the hardest yet and has caused me a lot of distress.  Last night, I just had to break down and cry.  I didn't care that I was crying.  I was alone and I needed to cry. 

The Bishop emailed me and advised me that he would like to talk about prayer in our visit on Sunday.  This caused my stomach to churn.  As you know from several blogs back I have a difficulty with prayer.  It is a scary concept to me.  I'm not scared that God won't answer me, because I don't require much, and many things I do, I can do for myself.  I am more scared to give him my trust, hand it all over to him, and let him guide me.  If God does love me, then what does all of this mean.  I am still holding on to the controls of my life.  As my Boss always says, "I made my bed, now sleep in it." which means that I am the one that screwed up with my life and I better be comfortable where I am.

Jade also had me writing my prayers down, completing chapter 1 about hope in another book, and keeping a gratitude journal about myself.  It's hard to come up with things that you are grateful about yourself when you don't really like yourself.  That's why he is having me do this assignment.  I have come up with my cute toenails (even if they are cut a little too short), my glasses so I can see, and I have drawn a blank on the others, it takes me all day to come up with one thing.  I didn't do it yesterday, so I need to come up with 2 things tonight. 

I did ask Jade in a text if we could take a break from the book A gift to myself. 

Lots going on in life.  The kids are back to school.  Last night, we pulled a late night and you could tell this morning.  We will definitely be going to bed early tonight, that's for sure.  Yesterday the Bishop cancelled our appointment for last night.  That was hard for me to take.  I am really trying to trust the Bishop and then he cancels.  I know that he is a very busy man and there was a death in the ward so I understand that he needs to take care of those people first.  I do have Jade who is also LDS so I can ask him my religious questions but it seems like it is wasting our time in therapy talking religion when we have other things to discuss.  I sent a text to Jade and let him know that I wouldn't be meeting with the Bishop unless he felt it was necessary.  I didn't get a response, but my gut told me that I needed to meet with the Bishop, so I scheduled it with the Executive secretary.  I feel like such a bother, both to the Bishop and to Jade.

Last week, Jade told me how strong I was becoming.  I finally told him that he is being paid to say that.  He got a little upset by that and told me that I should know him and that he doesn't blow smoke.  He has been quite blunt with me before.  I have had to tell him a couple of times that it didn't feel good leaving his office, and I didn't appreciate how blunt he had been.  Hopefully, he doesn't take that as a "I need to be more blunt with Mary", kind of impression because I don't think I can do blunt right now. 

Today is David's birthday.  There are so many things going on in my head.  My stomach is in knots as I have pondered on this day.  I have pondered on the kind of brother he was, and of course I have pondered on my abuse.  This year is the first year my parents know of the abuse.  I wonder how they are handling the day.  I know how I am, it is very hard.  It is hard to focus on my work as many of my thoughts go back to David's birthday.  I have had a hard time writing the date, and often have to look at the calendar to see what the date is really. 

This week is a tough week all the way around as not only is it his birthday, but also his death date as well as the anniversary of my first flashback.  I have been reflecting on my first flashback and just how far I have come since then.  I was a complete mess.  It came upon me like a load of bricks.  There was a lot of shame in sharing the flashbacks.  There still is.  This last week, I even paused while reading my letters to Jade because I didn't want to say it out loud.  I think he noticed the pause because it was long enough for me to look down the letter and see where I could start again.  I have to trust someone.  This is just so freaking hard.

I went to my session with Jade on Saturday.  We talked a lot.  He had me read my letters to my Dad.  He asked if I would be willing to send my letter to my Dad.  I told him "no".  I am not ready for that yet.  We talked about the Sabbath and again how I intellectually know that I am worthy to partake of the Sacrament, but not emotionally.  Jade brought up the fact that I needed to use my "wise mind" to get me thru the Sacrament.  We talked about the emotions that come with partaking of the Sacrament and how it really is an emotional thing to do but for me, I have to think of it as intellectually.

Jade asked about how my relationship is with my Bishop.  I have had some issues with the Bishop and so my relationship is not quite there.  Trust is very difficult for me.  I gave the Bishop 3 bills that he offered to pay.  When it got to the point that my Health insurance and my Car insurance was going to cancel, I couldn't wait for my Bishop to pay them.  So, I paid them.  I feel like he let me down.

I have had a lot of thoughts going thru my little head.  I did some therapy homework while Jade was gone on vacation.  I think I was triggered by my homework.  Well, I guess I shouldn't say I think, I know I was triggered by my homework.  It has been dang hard as I sort thru my thoughts. 

One of my thoughts keeps taking me back to a memory of my Dad.  I love my Dad, I always have.  I have been reminded of one day when I was little.  He would tickle me until I couldn't breathe.  I would keep yelling at him to stop.  It wouldn't stop until I could kick myself out of it, or I would start crying.  My Dad doesn't like crying.  I remember he would get so angry when my Mom would cry during the prayer. 

I have been saddened by some of these memories.  I wish that I could stop the memories.  When I first started this journey, I felt that I had been shown enough.  It was bad enough that I had to learn about the abuse by my brother.  What if I find out that I was abused by my parents?  I can't take it any more.  I need Pandora's box to shut.  I need it to shut until I am ready to handle more.  Jade keeps telling me that I am stronger than I know. 

As I think of this Pandora's box, I wish that I could go back to the beautiful childhood that I thought I had.  I want to look at my life thru my rose colored glasses where everything is peaceful and everything is beautiful. 

I have had some time to sit and ponder on my thoughts yesterday.  Last night Jan Greenhalgh came to our house to do a Bishop's order.  She sat and listened as I cried.  It was good for me to cry, I needed to let some of my emotions out.  Today, I am pretty much either drained or numb because I don't know what to feel today.

As I read some of my thoughts from yesterday, I am reminded that only the Lord knows the end from the beginning.  Right now, I am in the middle, I can't see beyond my hand in front of my face.  That's ok for now because it is what it is. 

I have a lot to process with Jade this week as it has been two weeks since we have met.  I will admit, I am nervous about my session.  A lot has gone on in two weeks.  At first, I thought, I could do this by myself, that I don't need therapy anymore.  Now, I feel like I want to do this by myself so that I don't have to open up to Jade or anyone else for that matter.  I know it is better to talk about it and get thru some of my distorted thoughts, but I don't want to feel judged.  Again, that is just me. 

I don't want to do this anymore.  I think I want to take a break from therapy for right now.

Today and last night were emotional times for me.  I have felt like crying pretty much all night last night and into the day today.  I even did cry a little as I wrote an email to my Bishop.  He has had me searching Trust.  In reading my scriptures on Sunday, I found in the footnotes of one of the scriptures that I had read the word "doubt".  As I read the scriptures on doubt I found that I have a lot of doubt right now.  I read a talk from Elder Holland, he relayed the story of when a man brought his sick son to Jesus to be healed.  The Lord then asked him if he believed.  The man then said, "Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief."  That statement just hit me.  I want to believe, I want the Lord to help my unbelief.  I want the Lord to help me find him. 

I ask if doubt is wrong.  As I search the answer to this question, my personal answer is "no".  Because of my doubt, I am searching, and I am finding.  I am finding answers that I never really knew.

I need to be up front, when it comes to prayer, I suck at it.  This blog is for me and as such, I am going to open up my feelings of prayer (I think) and try to work thru it on my own. 

When I was a little girl, we had a standard prayer that we learned how to speak by my mother.  It went as this- Now I lay me down to rest, angels guard my pretty nest bless..... and we would go thru the entire family.  I remember my Mom would tell me what to say, one of which was "bless me to grow big and strong."  I didn't want to grow big, and I didn't want to be strong.  I would fight her on that comment nightly.  As I grew older, she stopped coming into my room to hear me pray.  I guess I got out of the habit.  Jed is not much of a praying man and so it became dependent on me to do the praying for my family.  Now, I constantly have a prayer in my heart for our safety, but one of the last times I prayed out loud I started having flashbacks of abuse.  Now, I understand that the Lord needed me to know this.  I truly believe that, but it doesn't mean that I am not scared.  I am scared, I am scared to learn more, I am scared of how he will answer me.  Deep down I am scared that he will tell me that he does love me.  I am already so confused as to what love is right now.  If I do find out that God truly does love me, did he love me then?  If he loved me then,why doesn't it feel like love.  Isn't love supposed to feel like happiness and joy?  What happened?  What did I do to deserve this?  I am asking, Why Me? ( and yes, I know people would say "why not me"?  but I can't bring myself to ask that yet).  It doesn't feel right to feel loved.  Why does this have to be important for me to learn?  Does love come with conditions because right now I feel like it does.  The better person I am, the more loved I become.  If I do find that God loves me, and he did allow all of this to happen to me, then do I need to forgive God?  Do I need to forgive myself from needing to forgive God?  How do I forgive myself?  Did I do something to bring attention to me by my Dad and Brother?  Maybe if I would have worn different pajamas?  My hell this is a mess!

Yesterday, I received a call from the 1st Counselor in the Bishopric.  They had a calling for me.  After many tears and searching thru scriptures I was reminded of Mosiah 4:27.  It is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  Right now I have very little strength.  I am burning the candle from both ends.  School starts next week, it will be good to start having a routine again.  The girls need something.  I was called to be over the Visiting Teaching in the ward.  I will admit I am a little stressed but again, I have to have faith that the Lord will give me the strength that I need to complete my calling to the best of my ability. 

I did have a complete mental breakdown yesterday before my meeting with the bishopric.  There is an opening in Young Women's.  I cried because I know that I will one day be back in young women's.  I don't know when but right now, in my life, I can't do it.

I think I have been avoiding my emotions since Jade has been out of town.  It's almost like my emotions don't really matter.  It feels as though they are not even there.  I don't know how to fix it, and to be honest, it is very frustrating to me.  I don't understand.  I don't like feeling numb.  I know I should be feeling something but I just don't.  I have been numb for a very long time and it doesn't seem to be letting up.  Sometimes I will get an overwhelming amount of anxiety and I fight it back down because it is not the time nor the place for it to come. I really need some help sorting thru this.

So, I have been keeping myself busy since Jade has been out of town.  I do still get a lot of anxiety when I think about missing therapy for 2 weeks and so I just block it out.  I read online that by keeping myself busy it is a sign of dependency and abandonment.  So, the question I ask myself is this "am I avoiding my emotions?"  Yes!  Do I want to confront them while my therapist is out of town?  No!  I am safer by avoiding them.  When it talks about feelings of abandonment I remember as a child my father always leaving home on business trips or military trips.  It was a lot when I was little.  I struggled to feel safe with my mom as the care taker.  In my head, I had the escape plan in the event of a fire so planned out that I even knew that I would be responsible for getting baby Steven out of the house.  I checked the locks every night, several times.  I would sleep with a sibling as often as I could.  That was physical abandonment.  Emotional abandonment is another story.  I am still struggling with emotional abandonment.  The questions of "why didn't anyone protect me"?  Or "Where were you when I needed you?".  I even have this deep feeling of abandonment from my Father in Heaven, again "where were you?"  I still often wonder.  I know that it is not fair to ask that of him, but it is a question that is real.  I have read in the scriptures that the "spirit" cannot dwell in any unclean thing, so did the spirit leave the room when I was being abused.  I was worthy of the spirit, but the situation that I was in there is no way the spirit could have been there with me for that.  I don't know if I even would have wanted it to be.  It is disgusting for me to still see the images in my head, I can only imagine what Heavenly Father must think.

Jade has been gone 5 days.  I have only had to text him once.  I have wanted to text him numerous times but I know he is on vacation and deserves to have a break from me.  In our last session, Jade talked to me about how I "intellectually" know the church is true, and that I am worthy to partake of the sacrament, but that "emotionally" I am not.  On Sunday, when the Sacrament was passed I remembered our talk and also reading the scriptures and I really wanted to pass on the Sacrament because my emotions were so high strung that I struggled to compose myself.  I reminded myself that I was worthy, but in my heart, it was a hard Sunday. 

Later that night I went to the addiction recovery group.  It was step 2 on hope.  It was going really well, until it came to be my turn to speak.  I talked about how I was reading the scriptures and found the scripture that "all things" would work together for my good.  I was grateful for the program, and for the Atonement.  After I spoke a gentleman spoke and he told the group his wife was dying of cancer and he said some pretty hard things.  It was too much to take in and left the group stunned. The last gentleman to talk spoke about how we totally got off the subject of hope and totally floored me.  I am not sure I will be going back.

Yesterday, I got a letter from the State of Utah indicating that I am found eligible for vocational rehab.  That was pretty exciting except for when I read that I was "severely disabled" according to the rehab standards.  I don't consider myself disabled, so that was pretty hard for me to read.

I have been doing my homework as requested.  I don't see Jade for another week and a half.  I have been keeping myself busy, which means that basically the work has stopped until I get back with Jade.  Heaven only knows how that will go.

Tomorrow is the day Jade leaves out of town.  Jade was able to work me in yesterday and so I had a session with him.  I was grateful he worked me in.  We talked about my discussion with my parents and then started talking about my homework.  I didn't bring my homework because my appointment was on such short notice.  I look forward to him coming back from his vacation to discuss my homework with him.  He kept reminding me that I was strong.  I think that my session yesterday I was very guarded with my emotions, and I think that Jade sensed that as well.  He thanked me yesterday for sharing what I did with him, he has never done that with me before.  It was hard for me to open up with him knowing that he would be on vacation.

Another thing that I read helps to write down your dreams.  Ever since I disclosed to my parents I have had a hard time sleeping.  I dream every night.  I have dreamed about babies.  I can't have anymore children but it seems I dream of babies.  In doing some research I have found that baby dreams is your inner child trying to get out or to tell you something.  Two nights ago I dreamt that I fell asleep at work, in researching that, I found that there is something that I am trying to avoid.  That doesn't surprise me.  It doesn't surprise me that I am dreaming of babies while I do my Child Within homework.

Jade asked me to write every day and journal everything.  Last night, I had a break down.  I still struggle with what I have done in telling my parents.  Their attitude towards me has changed.  Yesterday they dropped off a month's worth of groceries, or so it seemed.  It was very nice, but not necessary.  After having some time to myself, I asked Heavenly Father how women know that they are a daughter of God?  I asked him how much longer I needed to go thru this particular trial.  I then opened my scriptures to D&C 50:5.  It talks about enduring to the end, and by enduring, I can gain eternal life.  I remembered my walk on Saturday.  Sometimes the road seems so long, and sometimes you make a turn and can't see the road in front of you.  Life is like that road.  Right now, my road seems long, and I have no idea where I am going.  I can't see my life in front of me right now.  I keep being told I need to hang on.  The only way I can do that is if I get the support that I need.  I am learning thru my homework, I don't know my needs and so often, my needs are not being met.  I still have that "let me do it by myself" attitude.  I don't know how to let someone else meet my needs.  So many of my needs were not met as a child.  It is very difficult to read thru the lists of needs that are usually met in my Child Within book.

I went for a walk on Saturday.  I hiked Holbrook Canyon and then walked down.  As I walked, I listened to my music and did a lot of thinking.  I really feel that Heavenly Father wants me to keep going down this path.  I feel that I have not finished what I was meant to do with this trial, and that truly the end might not be really near, but I have to keep going.  Which means to me that I need to continue with therapy, even though it is hard.  I feel like Jade is taking me where I need to go.  My Dad when I told my parents that I didn't know that I was a daughter of God, assured me that is the most important thing for me to know.  That once I know that I am a daughter of God, then I will be able to love myself.

I have become emotionally numb.  I felt vulnerable after telling my parents and so I think my emotions just shut down.  Feeling numb is not a good thing for me because the urge to self injure is more intense.  I think its because I want to feel something, I avoid the bad feelings, I want to feel something good.  I cried a lot this weekend as I did my homework.  I am starting to become unnumb and right now I feel like crying, but I am at work, so I will compose myself.  Work has become a little stressful as we are losing Albert.  Pressure becomes greater for me to perform and produce as now I will be the only producer in the office.  I have been having such a hard time sleeping at nights.  When I told my parents about the abuse and David's use of pornography, my Dad admitted to me that he used to have a subscription to PlayBoy.  That didn't affect me until yesterday when it had time to sink in.  I love my Father, and I know he made a lot of mistakes in raising David.  Really, pornography is one of my triggers.  Now, I wonder if David got the magazines from my Dad.  If it was OK for my Dad, then it was OK for my brother. 

I did it!  I told my parents about the abuse.  I didn't go into a lot of detail but just told them a little of what I had been going through.  We talked about forgiveness and where I stand with my forgiveness with my brother.  Some days I feel as though I can forgive and then other days I am angry and want nothing to do with him.  I am emotionally numb.  I have been working on my homework that Jade gave me, my inner child work.  It is not an easy task to accomplish.  There are still a lot of hurts that need to be healed.  I don't know how to get away from the emotional numbness.  I think that my head is trying to protect me.  I found out a lot about my Father.  He evidently was in to pornography.  He couldn't remember my brother being into pornography.  I remember my parents burning my brother's pornography on several occassions.  I guess that goes to show you that there are secrets everyone has.