I have been working on my homework over the course of the week.  Jade had me working chapters 4-6 in A Gift to Myself.  I thought that I had those chapters pretty much done so decided to proceed to chapter 7.  In Chapter 7, they have you list all of your abuses, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  This chapter has been one of the hardest yet and has caused me a lot of distress.  Last night, I just had to break down and cry.  I didn't care that I was crying.  I was alone and I needed to cry. 

The Bishop emailed me and advised me that he would like to talk about prayer in our visit on Sunday.  This caused my stomach to churn.  As you know from several blogs back I have a difficulty with prayer.  It is a scary concept to me.  I'm not scared that God won't answer me, because I don't require much, and many things I do, I can do for myself.  I am more scared to give him my trust, hand it all over to him, and let him guide me.  If God does love me, then what does all of this mean.  I am still holding on to the controls of my life.  As my Boss always says, "I made my bed, now sleep in it." which means that I am the one that screwed up with my life and I better be comfortable where I am.

Jade also had me writing my prayers down, completing chapter 1 about hope in another book, and keeping a gratitude journal about myself.  It's hard to come up with things that you are grateful about yourself when you don't really like yourself.  That's why he is having me do this assignment.  I have come up with my cute toenails (even if they are cut a little too short), my glasses so I can see, and I have drawn a blank on the others, it takes me all day to come up with one thing.  I didn't do it yesterday, so I need to come up with 2 things tonight. 

I did ask Jade in a text if we could take a break from the book A gift to myself.