So, I have been keeping myself busy since Jade has been out of town.  I do still get a lot of anxiety when I think about missing therapy for 2 weeks and so I just block it out.  I read online that by keeping myself busy it is a sign of dependency and abandonment.  So, the question I ask myself is this "am I avoiding my emotions?"  Yes!  Do I want to confront them while my therapist is out of town?  No!  I am safer by avoiding them.  When it talks about feelings of abandonment I remember as a child my father always leaving home on business trips or military trips.  It was a lot when I was little.  I struggled to feel safe with my mom as the care taker.  In my head, I had the escape plan in the event of a fire so planned out that I even knew that I would be responsible for getting baby Steven out of the house.  I checked the locks every night, several times.  I would sleep with a sibling as often as I could.  That was physical abandonment.  Emotional abandonment is another story.  I am still struggling with emotional abandonment.  The questions of "why didn't anyone protect me"?  Or "Where were you when I needed you?".  I even have this deep feeling of abandonment from my Father in Heaven, again "where were you?"  I still often wonder.  I know that it is not fair to ask that of him, but it is a question that is real.  I have read in the scriptures that the "spirit" cannot dwell in any unclean thing, so did the spirit leave the room when I was being abused.  I was worthy of the spirit, but the situation that I was in there is no way the spirit could have been there with me for that.  I don't know if I even would have wanted it to be.  It is disgusting for me to still see the images in my head, I can only imagine what Heavenly Father must think.