Today and last night were emotional times for me.  I have felt like crying pretty much all night last night and into the day today.  I even did cry a little as I wrote an email to my Bishop.  He has had me searching Trust.  In reading my scriptures on Sunday, I found in the footnotes of one of the scriptures that I had read the word "doubt".  As I read the scriptures on doubt I found that I have a lot of doubt right now.  I read a talk from Elder Holland, he relayed the story of when a man brought his sick son to Jesus to be healed.  The Lord then asked him if he believed.  The man then said, "Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief."  That statement just hit me.  I want to believe, I want the Lord to help my unbelief.  I want the Lord to help me find him. 

I ask if doubt is wrong.  As I search the answer to this question, my personal answer is "no".  Because of my doubt, I am searching, and I am finding.  I am finding answers that I never really knew.

I need to be up front, when it comes to prayer, I suck at it.  This blog is for me and as such, I am going to open up my feelings of prayer (I think) and try to work thru it on my own. 

When I was a little girl, we had a standard prayer that we learned how to speak by my mother.  It went as this- Now I lay me down to rest, angels guard my pretty nest bless..... and we would go thru the entire family.  I remember my Mom would tell me what to say, one of which was "bless me to grow big and strong."  I didn't want to grow big, and I didn't want to be strong.  I would fight her on that comment nightly.  As I grew older, she stopped coming into my room to hear me pray.  I guess I got out of the habit.  Jed is not much of a praying man and so it became dependent on me to do the praying for my family.  Now, I constantly have a prayer in my heart for our safety, but one of the last times I prayed out loud I started having flashbacks of abuse.  Now, I understand that the Lord needed me to know this.  I truly believe that, but it doesn't mean that I am not scared.  I am scared, I am scared to learn more, I am scared of how he will answer me.  Deep down I am scared that he will tell me that he does love me.  I am already so confused as to what love is right now.  If I do find out that God truly does love me, did he love me then?  If he loved me then,why doesn't it feel like love.  Isn't love supposed to feel like happiness and joy?  What happened?  What did I do to deserve this?  I am asking, Why Me? ( and yes, I know people would say "why not me"?  but I can't bring myself to ask that yet).  It doesn't feel right to feel loved.  Why does this have to be important for me to learn?  Does love come with conditions because right now I feel like it does.  The better person I am, the more loved I become.  If I do find that God loves me, and he did allow all of this to happen to me, then do I need to forgive God?  Do I need to forgive myself from needing to forgive God?  How do I forgive myself?  Did I do something to bring attention to me by my Dad and Brother?  Maybe if I would have worn different pajamas?  My hell this is a mess!