Today is David's birthday.  There are so many things going on in my head.  My stomach is in knots as I have pondered on this day.  I have pondered on the kind of brother he was, and of course I have pondered on my abuse.  This year is the first year my parents know of the abuse.  I wonder how they are handling the day.  I know how I am, it is very hard.  It is hard to focus on my work as many of my thoughts go back to David's birthday.  I have had a hard time writing the date, and often have to look at the calendar to see what the date is really. 

This week is a tough week all the way around as not only is it his birthday, but also his death date as well as the anniversary of my first flashback.  I have been reflecting on my first flashback and just how far I have come since then.  I was a complete mess.  It came upon me like a load of bricks.  There was a lot of shame in sharing the flashbacks.  There still is.  This last week, I even paused while reading my letters to Jade because I didn't want to say it out loud.  I think he noticed the pause because it was long enough for me to look down the letter and see where I could start again.  I have to trust someone.  This is just so freaking hard.