Blog post from 9/2

So, State Farm has determined that my blog is too deep to allow me to update at work.  That’s ok, I’ll  figure it out another way. 

 

This weekend, I had a session with Jade, we talked about my homework.  It was about the fact that I have a history of abuse in my family.  This was not new to me, I knew my whole life that there was history of abuse, I just didn’t know that it included me.  I thought that I had gotten thru my life unscathed.  Boy, was I wrong.  After I left Jade’s office it started to bother me.  Just because my family has a history of abuse, doesn’t give someone the right to abuse me.  After I started on this journey, I read that often times, one remembers abuse and gets the help needed.  By doing this, it is the Lord’s way of cleansing the lineage.  Isn’t it nice that it would be me that gets to do that?  I am pretty lucky that I have Jade to help me do that because I sure could not do this by myself.

 

I met with Bishop Wittwer this past Sunday.  We talked about prayer.  He stated that prayer is actually a covenant that we make to our Heavenly Father, and in turn, he covenants with us.  We continued talking and then I asked a deep question, one that I probably should not have asked.  I asked, why does the abuse feel like sin?  The Bishop stated that it is sin, but that the sin is not mine.  I then began talking to him about the images in my head, he asked if I was asking as if I had corroborated with my Brother.  Just then a knock was at the door and I hurried and left the office.  I never did get to explain some of what I was feeling to the Bishop.  I really did leave it at that.  I feel empty without answers and still have the images in my head.  I have had these images in my head for the last 3 years.  They are the same ones, over and over again.  This one in particular I had when I was meeting with Dr Frank.  I never did allow him to do EMDR on me with this flashback.

 

On Saturday after my session with Jade, I had felt pretty low.  I went home and ate a ton of food.  It was all healthy, but it was a lot.  Jed and I went to Chuck a rama.  I continued to eat.  I ate so much that I felt sick.  I came home and took my medicine and immediately gagged myself.  I had to run to the bathroom to throw up.  I felt so much better.  I have never binged and purged and the sad thing is that it felt good and I felt so much better.  I know that it is wrong.  My sister Alisa had bulimia for years so I am definitely going to need to discuss this with Jade so that I don’t head down this same road.