Today has been a rough day.  It has just been me and Mark in the office.  He has a lot to say about my attitude, and my work ethic, and my lack of accountability, and lack of responsibility.  I should want to be better than I am.  In DBT we are always told that we are doing our best with where we are at right now.  Evidently, my best is not good enough in this job.  Mark hates my all or nothing thinking, and he has even asked for input when we talk.  When I do talk, I am ridiculed and again I am not accepting accountability for my actions, I am just blaming him, and my life situations are not his fault.  He has a good life (or so I have been told, on a daily basis at least once.)

I have had some suicidal thoughts that have not been good.  I knew that I needed to reach out to someone and the only person I could think of was the Bishop.  Thankfully, he responded and helped me set my emotions at bay until I can get off work.  The Bishop told me to go home and rest after work today.  So, I plan on taking a candle lit bubble bath and getting in my jammies, hanging out with my kids and then going to bed. 

My session with Jade is tomorrow.  I have completed my homework this week, which was to go walking twice.  Yesterday, I went for my 2nd walk this week, and it was not one of those walks where I was grateful for my walk.  I was in my head quite a bit. 

I don't want to be Bipolar, I don't want borderline personality, I don't want to take medications for the rest of my life.  I thought that I would go to therapy for some time, take some anti depressants and eventually get off of them and stop needing therapy.  Now, I read that I will have bipolar for the rest of my life.  I can still get over the borderline personality, but the bipolar is never going away. 

As I did the NAMI walk last week, I saw a poster that says that at least 1/2 of the children born to parents with bipolar will get the disorder at some time in their lives.  I feel awful for what I have done to my children.  I hate that I am a financial burden on my Ward and on my Family.  I mentioned that to my Bishop, he said that it is another way of recognizing that I am not deserving of help.