So, I went to my individual therapy last night and processed thru the flashback.  It was the most intense session I have EVER had.  She asked some very deep questions, and I told her WAY TOO MUCH!  There are things that I verbalized to her that I have never told anyone.  To be honest, I have thought all day-did I really say that?  After my session, I felt weird, it was hard to explain.  The best way for me to describe it is that I feel "emotionally numb".  I went to bed last night, completely exhausted and yes, I medicated myself to sleep because I was so exhausted from that session.  My shoulder still hurt so bad, and the thought of Icy Hot still freaked me out.  I really need to actually throw it away.  I can't believe that something so minimal could trigger me into such a deep flash back.  As I talked to a friend about this flashback, I was very hesitant because the last thing I wanted to do was to trigger her, but I really needed to tell someone.  She told me that I needed to process this particular flashback with my therapist because I needed to figure out what it said about me.  Needless to say, that is what I did yesterday.  It was not a pleasant experience.  It actually was one of the worst experiences I have ever had because I don't think I wanted to know what it said about me! 

I have been reading about "emotionally numb" and it said that many people after feeling "numb" tend to self injure because they want to feel something.  That explains an awful lot.  I self injured again.  If you read from my blogs back in July you would know that I also found out that after I self injured that I was a MRSA carrier.  Well, my last adventure in self injury is once again, infected.  I have found that I have to keep it draining, and quite honestly it is definitely painful.  The bad thing is that once you self injure, then you feel so great about yourself and then the shame kicks in.  It is a vicious cycle.  I know that I learned some DBT skills that are supposed to help but to be honest, I didn't even think about them until after I had already done the injury.  There is so much to know, but yet in the heat of the battle, I didn't do so well. 

We met with the Bishop this morning.  I went totally expecting to be released.  That didn't happen.  We talked about the marriage therapy.  Well, I was still "emotionally numb" from my session last night, and to be honest, the last thing I wanted to do was to sit there and listen.  I actually let my husband do all the talking.  The Bishop asked a lot of questions, and I let Jed answer all of them.  When it came to the questions about my individual therapy session, I told him very little.  The reason for that is because after 24 hours, I am still "numb".  I will sometimes reflect on little things and I will cry, but for the most part I still just sit there and think "what did I do?"  I have even questioned if the things I shared with my therapist last night were "false memories", that maybe I read this in a book, but then I think about the books that I have read.  I have even wondered how or why anyone would believe me.  Then I have the "damn it" moment where I know this happened. 

I had to tell our marriage therapist that she was going to have to take over the chore chart assignment because I needed my individual therapy session for myself.  So, I need to have the chore chart completed by Tuesday.  I will work on it tomorrow.  Sometimes I am afraid to sleep.  I don't want to know any more.  I don't want to feel any more but yet, after feeling "emotionally numb" for the last 24 hours, I would like to feel something besides the pain.

I have been doing an awful lot of soul searching over the last year.  It has not been easy, in fact it has been down right hard.  Last night after a particularly hard day, I laid in my bed and cried.  I plead with those that know my identity, to please just let me rant for a minute.  I need to get these feelings and emotions out in the open. 

Last night, as I lay in bed, the thought came to me that I have a lot of distortions.  I get it!  I don't need someone to point out my flaws because I already see them, they are glaring at me in the mirror and in my head.  I understand that I was "supposed to" learn a lot of these things about me as a child, I didn't get that in my home.   I will be honest, I feel like I am taking up precious space for some one else that can do my life better than I can.  It would be easy to "start over" if I was a kid, but I am an adult with children, not so easy!

As I said yesterday, I truly believe in a Heavenly Father.  I believe in his existence.  But, that is where my belief stops.  (please don't be critical with my comments!)  As I laid in bed last night, I pondered on my beliefs, and in my testimony of my Heavenly Father.  I am not so sure my Heavenly Father loves me.  (Again, please don't judge!) I know he blesses me, but is that Love? 

I have been struggling with my testimony for a long time.  I have been doing everything that I can possibly do to get it back or even just to keep what I have.  I am tired.  I give up!  I taught my last Sunday School lesson last week because my last student left for college.  I was advised that I would be a substitute until they could figure out what to do with me.  I know how the Sunday School works in my Ward and I am so not playing that game.  So, in my head, if I am a sub then I get to say when and if I am going to teach and right now, I am not going to teach.

As I said yesterday, I was triggered by a blog.  One of the comments on the blog that keeps going thru my head is when this person called our Heavenly Father the "master maniupulator".  Now, I know that doesn't come from the spirit because even the comment makes my stomach churn.  One of the other comments that this "poster" discusses is when bad things happen to good people. 

I myself have had to do an awful lot of soul searching as I will admit, I have asked "why didn't someone protect me?" when it comes to the abuse.  I have always believed in a Heavenly Father that guides my path. 

My first flashback occurred on August 29th, which happens to be the exact same day that my brother passed away 2 years prior.  As I look back, my Heavenly Father was preparing me for years to come.  I truly believe this.  In 2009, on August 26th, it was my brother's Birthday.  I had not had a whole lot to do with my brother but I had the very strong impression to call him and wish him a Happy Birthday.  (When I say I did not have a whole lot to do with my brother, I had only seen him 2 times since my sister's funeral 15 months prior!)  Again, the spirit prompted me to call my brother to wish him a Happy Birthday.  I ignored it!  For three days I had that prompting.  Even the night of my brother's passing, it was after 10:00 and I had the prompting to call my brother and wish him a Happy Birthday.  Guess what-I ignored it!  My brother died the next morning in the middle of the night.  I struggled for 2 years with the knowledge that I did not call and wish my brother a Happy Birthday, something so trivial.  What I have learned since and because of that experience.  This is just my doctrine-and this is my story and my belief-I truly believe that my Heavenly Father did not want me to live with that regret.  I think he was preparing me even before my brother passed away for all of the abuse to come out.  I think that my Heavenly Father knew that this would not be easy for me to comprehend.  As I have always said- EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  So even though I may have "changed" the plan that my Heavenly Father had for me by not calling my brother, he still loved me enough to prepare me as best as he could for this life changing experience.  He has put amazing people in my path that are helping me walk thru this trial.  They are there to strengthen me when I feel I can't go on, and they truly do carry me A LOT. 

It's been a rough couple of days.  I spend a lot of time in my emotional mind.  I will be honest, I have been going thru this feeaking flashback for probably the last two weeks.  I have actually had this flashback, months ago in EMDR therapy.  Evidently, I didn't process it enough because it has been haunting me.  There have been a couple of things that have set it off.  I believe it started at church 2 weeks ago.  It was not a good situation for me.  I unfortunately am a deep thinker and try to figure out what Heavenly Father is asking of me.  When I was asked to serve a certain family in our Ward I questioned if I could do it and go back to the home of a boy that raped me.  I so tried!  I thought I could do it, but I couldn't.  I then was triggered by some comments on a blog that I read.  I kept trying to convince myself that it was OK, then, my neck muscles tightened up and I used some Icy Hot.  The smell set me off completely as my brother used it often.  He was the athlete in the family (whatever!), he thought any way.  He hardly ever wore a shirt around the house and used Icy Hot probably on a daily basis.  (I also can't stand the smell of Big Red gum, he chewed it on a daily basis as well!) 

All night long I could not get the smell away from me.  It is even on my pillow.  I showered, it's still there.  I woke up and my head hurt but I needed to go on my walk.  I dissociate a lot.  I even had a Ward member yell at me to get my attention.  It is starting to be dark when I walk.  I still struggle with "hypervigilance". 

Saturday morning, I really wanted to go on my walk to the Temple.  Friday night, I couldn't sleep.  I thought I slept pretty well.  I woke up and looked at the clock 3:17 a.m.  If I had not been so freaked out about my safety, I would have gone walking.  I even thought that if I went for my walk, I could have been home by 6:00.  I discussed it with my therapist, she advised me that it would not be a good idea for me to do that.  So, the earliest I can go is 5:45 (even then that is pushing it!).  I will be honest, I have gone out at 4:00 before, but that was before when I really was crazy.  (I still can't believe I did it :) )

My therapist and I discussed a chore chart for my kids.  We have had fun developing this chart.  I have been taking pictures of "before" the job is done and "after" the job is done so that they know what it is supposed to look like.  The kids have actually done a pretty good job.

We went to marriage therapy, and for the most part it went well.  As I have said before, when I go to therapy it doesn't stop when I leave the office.  That is actually when therapy starts for me.  My mind is always going.  Sometimes that is not a good thing. 

Yesterday, I was exhausted.  I worked both jobs and my 2nd job is a lot of hard work, in a short amount of time.  So, I am always going.

As I mentioned several times, I am LDS.  I have been working with the Bishop and bless his heart has allowed me to go to the Bishop's Storehouse.  This is a place where one can go and get food to provide for your family.  Every time I go it is such a humbling experience for me.  Last night, as I walked out and loaded my car, I walked back in to return the cart and Thanked the workers.  As I walked back out to my car, I was overloaded with emotions.  I actually cried the entire trip home as I thought that all of the service that I provide my neighbors, could never repay what they have done for me.  (That is the emotional mind!)  Then, in the whisper of the spirit, I am told I don't have to repay. (That is the wise mind-I think! :) ) Because, even though I can't ever repay, there is someone that already paid the price.  I believe that to be my Savior.

When I got home from both jobs, and the Bishop's Storehouse, I then had to put all of the food away.  This for me entails a lot of organization as I rotate all of my food.  I went into my kitchen, and the dishes had not been done.  I was informed by my children that they needed to have some laundry done, and dinner had not been prepared.  Needless to say, I stood over the sink of dishes and cried.  I really wonder what I am supposed to be doing.  I am one person that has a lot asked of her.  My entire family was home all day.  My husband didn't even need to work, but yet I have a very stressful day job, and then have to do all these things, just to keep my household running.  There were a couple things that he said in marriage therapy that really threw me.  I made sure that my voice was heard. 

I am going to say this, I was really thrown when the therapist-who hardly knows me- tells me I carry a lot of "shame".  I already knew this, but uhm, do I carry it so it shows?  I read an article yesterday about "triangulation" which the reason why I was withdrawn from one of my prior therapists was because of this.  So, I fear even saying anything, for the fact that one might take it wrong, and I form another "freaking triangle."  It's almost easier to just let the voices in my head discuss it between the two of us.  (I don't want you to think I hear voices-I am not psycho- I recognize the voice is my conscience-I just googled it, it is normal! *thank goodness*)

I don't have a lot of time this morning, but I have so much going on in my head that I need to write.  I hope that what I write will make sense but at least help me to clear my thoughts.  I finally got up the guts to call LDS Family to schedule a new appointment with a different marriage therapist.  They can get us in today.  So, then I had the priviledge of advising my husband that I scheduled a session.  I wish I could say that it went well.  Unfortunately, this is so not the case.  He is bothered that it is a woman and he is afraid that he is going to be "ganged" up against.  But, no worries, I never felt like that with our last marriage therapist right?  I will admit, I am scared of the work that another therapy session will entail.  I am working so hard to work thru my issues, there are times where the homework is put on the shelf because the emotions are draining.  I know I need to do the homework, and by scheduling this appointment with LDS I can honestly say I did all that I was asked to do for my individual therapy homework. 

There is always constant movement in my head.  I don't sleep well because I am constantly going.  Don't get me wrong, when I work 10 hours a day, then have to come home fix dinner, do the dishes, and the laundry, I am EXHAUSTED, sleep just doesn't come. 

I have found that I am still "hypervigilant" a term used in therapy, basically, I am always on the look out for my surroundings.  I am going to admit, I did not know that this was not normal to the average human.  I thought that everyone was on the look out for their safety.  Ironic thing is that yes, I am overly cautious but yet, I find so many times on my walks I am cautious and then I zone out and "dissociate".  It isn't until I come back to reality that I realize that I was not cautious at all.  For example, I see a runner and I am very cautious, but yet, I zone out and have no idea where he turns the corner, or I don't even realize that I didn't look when I crossed the street.  (yes, even my 5 year old has had to remind me to look both ways!) 

It has been 2 weeks since I was triggered and I think that is why I am still so over cautious.  I don't understand why it takes me so long to crawl down off the ceiling after I am triggered.  It didn't take much to get me up there.  Yes, I know there are techniques to use to get you down faster, and I am learning, but it really is a slow process.  I am learning that patience is a virtue that has to be mastered every day. 

Please pray for us today that our session will go well.  I pray that I can be open and tell her all that my Heavenly Father wants me to tell because it is so hard for me to open up and trust, especially when it is a complete stranger.  I have anxiety just for the thoughts that I need to go back in to LDS Family Services.  I completed some paperwork and I read the agreement about most issues can be resolved in less than 12 sessions.  So, my mind goes back, and honestly, when I first signed that form a year ago, I thought that I was good enough that I would only need 1 session so of course I did not have a hard time signing it back then.  Now, in my head I feel like telling the therapist today that if she thinks that she is going to turn us away from LDS because yes, I think this is going to be more than 12 sessions, then turn us away today because I don't want to go thru that mess again.  But, guess what, this is not in my control, it is in the Lord's timing and he will figure out what we need.

Life is filled with uncertainty.  I currently teach Sunday School in our LDS Ward to teenagers.  We are currently studying Alma 40-42.  This chapter is Alma the Younger preaching to his son Corianton.  Corianton has been a little rebellious and so Alma the Younger is teaching him. 

One thing you need to know about me, is that when I read The Book of Mormon, I read it for me.  I try to understand how it applies to me TODAY because really, that is who the Book was written for.  There are amazing answers to every day problems in this Book.  These chapters have proven a little rough for me.  Because, I know of one that was rebellious.  My brother!  These chapters have had me asking a lot of questions.  These chapters actually discuss life after death, and what happens between when we leave this life and before the Resurrection when our body and spirit are reunited.

I have struggled from the beginning that my brother did not repent before he passed away.  I have cried myself to sleep for the last two days as I have pondered these chapters of scripture.  Because, even though my brother really "wronged" me, I do want him to have some happiness. 

I was asked by my LDS Family services therapist when I first started to ask my spiritual questions to my Bishop.  Well, I will be the first to admit, that I have overwhelmed my Bishop enough.  So, I asked my LDS Family Services therapist what happens to my brother when he didn't repent before he passed away.  His response to me, and I quote "He goes through therapy and works through his sins but reconciliation needs to happen for healing to happen."  I advised him I didn't understand and he advised me that my brother still needs to go thru the repentance process.

I googled "how do you reconcile sexual abuse?"  I first want to warn, there is so much "crap" out there on the internet, and when you are trying to find true, deep answers to your questions, it can be very hard to know what is right from wrong, I know because I am going thru that right now.  It is very hard to find answers to such deep questions in the LDS faith when I am finding that NOONE wants to talk about sexual abuse.  I have to say, I am so grateful that I had the testimony that I did before all of this came out because I am not sure I would have been able to stay as strong as I have been if I didn't have somewhat of a glimmer because this is the hardest thing I have ever done!  There are so many that will try to lead you astray. 

What I found last night as I researched how to reconcile, is that in a nut shell, you feel safe enough to have a relationship with the person that abused you.  You have set boundaries, and you are OK with them being a part of your life.  So, evidently, I am so not ready to do that yet.  So, I better not die until I am ready.  Don't get me wrong, I want my brother to have happiness, but I don't want him to be a part of my life.  I feel sorry for him, I get that his life was hard, but that still does not give him the right to violate me the way he did.  He took a lot from me.  I think that the hardest thing for me is that he left me a "distorted" image of a loving Heavenly Father.  He left me with a lack of trust in the Holy Ghost, and in myself,  and everything beautiful that the Gospel has to offer.  In our LDS faith, we believe that Families can be together Forever, but yet when you were abused by Family, that is not a beautiful concept. 

I pretty much kept my emotions in check yesterday.  I was busy at both jobs and so there was not a lot of time to think about anything else.  I did advise the Relief Society President that I would be unable to do the visiting teaching assignment that she had requested after a dear friend pointed out that I would be setting myself up for failure if I didn't meet my own expectations-which she is right because when I do my visiting teaching it is more than a monthly visit, so I told her "no" and she was awesome and understanding about it. 

However, I noticed last night, as I laid in bed that I kept my emotions in check until I actually laid down in my bed but the sad thing is that I can count on 1 hand everything I ate yesterday.  NICE!  I so know my habits, which I hate, and yes, I tend to do this.  Yesterday, after my 2nd job my blood sugar was so low, I thought I was going to pass out, even while I was working I kept wondering in my head why I didn't grab something to eat while I was home for the all of 30 minutes between jobs?  So, I am almost ready to pass out when I have to go to Target to get some things...  I get in to the store completely exhausted, my body is aching, and my blood sugar is low.  I am thinking I need to just grab anything and open it, but of course, I had my pride so I didn't, I let the cart hold me up.  I walk thru the store and grab the things that I need and then I stopped at the chocolate...  I spent $40 last night at Target and if I had to guess, $15 of it was chocolate, the rest was toilet paper and fabric softener, with a few other items in between!  Again, NICE!  I opened up the candy bar and ate it, and came home.  I got out of my sweaty clothes and fixed dinner for my family and went to work cleaning my house.  I didn't eat the dinner, only fixed it.  So, yes, of the 5 items that I ate yesterday, 1 of them was a candy bar.  Isn't that lovely?  When I was pregnant I had diabetes.  I learned all about "empty calories",  this means, no significant value to your body, no nutrition, just calories, and yes, that is what I did. 

5:45 comes awfully early in the morning when you are exhausted.  I got up and went walking, the mornings are starting to be really dark when I head out which sometimes that is a good thing, but when you are over sensitive to your surroundings, not so good.  I live in a fairly safe neighborhood, but there are a lot of apartments that I don't know who or what is living in them.  Even walking past their cars parked on the street had me a little freaked out this morning. 

I didn't do a smart thing this last month and so I frantically have to fix it before it is too late and that is I kind of let my health insurance go.  They needed some paperwork filled out, and I not being overwhelmed in the slightest ignored it.  It's not a smart thing when you have had cancer.  So, I am working two jobs, trying to manage the bills, college, back to school, and paper work.  Lots of paper work.  I am taking tomorrow off of my jobs to get the paper work done.  Hopefully by this time Saturday morning, I can say that all of the paper work is turned in.  No worries, I am sure that there will be something else in my life that I have forgotten to do.

I have pretty much cried myself to sleep for the last 3 days.  I have had many thoughts since Sunday when I was asked to change my visiting teaching assignment.  It also did not help that yesterday was my 22nd wedding Anniversary.  I am still not sleeping in the same room as my husband as I work things thru my head. 

My thoughts that I have been having since Sunday happen to do with my religion and what I believe, what makes me who I am.  I will however admit, that I have had flashbacks of that first night of abuse with my brother and his friend plaguing my thoughts. 

Yesterday, as I was going thru my thoughts, I struggled with my "inner voice", the one that tells me right from wrong.  Trust me, I tried to quiet it all day.  It is impossible unless I leave this life.  And even then, I am not so sure I don't take it with me.  But, again another confession, it was a thought. 

I said last week that maybe I didn't understand the Atonement because I didn't know my Savior.  So, I started reading about his life.  Then I was thrown for the loop with my new assignment.  I have thought that I can't do my LDS faith.  One of the first principles of the gospel is Faith.  I have very little right now.  I keep planting seeds of Faith, things that are supposed to be beautiful to me, and I am not getting what I want.  I talked with the Bishop last night and he reminded me that the Gospel is supposed to bring a spirit of peace and comfort.  So, again, why am I coming up with something different? 

I am struggling to know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  I have always struggled with it so this is nothing new.  But, in my head, I keep repeating "if this is love, I sure would hate to see what it looks like when he hates me."  When I first started my journey, I read many church talks about abuse.  Richard G Scott has a good one and one of the things he says is that sometimes  the Lord gives the courage to one who has been abused to heal from it to cleanse the line.  So, I thought about that being my role.  With this new assignment I have been fighting my inner voice that says that I "can make a difference" in the life of this other family.  I have recited scripture "turn the other cheek", I have recited my Patriarchal blessing "others will see the way you live your life and they will want to know more about the Gospel."  I have said "it's not fair", I have been told that no one would blame me if I did not accept this assignment, but then the inner voice challenges me. 

This healing was supposed to be in my time.  So many times I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions.  I really was working on forgiving my brother and trying to accept what he had done to me.  So, I totally blocked what this other boy did to me.  It was on the shelf.  I unfortunately, had to open the box on Sunday.  The truth is, I was raped by this young man in my home, after my brother raped me first and instead of my brother protecting me, he watched. 

So, now again, the question that I have asked, was this assignment out of "inspiration" or was it "desparation".  I have always felt that my assignments were out of "inspiration" because I have been given some amazing assignments and they have been for me, so now what? 

I cried pretty much all day yesterday, and into the night.  As I said in an earlier post, I had been struggling to prepare my Sunday School lesson.  I struggled with anxiety all morning as I pondered on my lesson.  I sang with the choir, and honestly during Testimony meeting pleaded with my Heavenly Father to not have the feeling to stand and bear my Testimony because I still struggle with my own Testimony.  In my reading, I stumbled upon a talk on how bearing your Testimony strengthens you but I just couldn't do it.  So, Sacrament meeting wasn't so bad, I made it thru without crying myself into a mess.  After Sacrament meeting, I stood in the chapel and talked with a woman that I visit teach that is struggling herself.  As I was standing there talking with her, giving her a shoulder to cry on the Relief Society president gave me a slip of paper with a new assignment.

I looked at the name and I froze.  Emotionally, I caved in.  I was still trying to listen to my sweet friend talk to me about her problems, but in my heart I was a mess.  When I had my first flashback of abuse, there were two boys in that room that night.  One was my brother, and one was his friend.  The other boy moved in with his Father shortly after the incidence and I never saw him again.  When his Mother passed away, I saw him in the driveway as we drove past and I was a wreck then.  But, nothing prepared me for yesterday when the name of his nephew appeared on that paper along with his wife and 3 children.  I was being asked to go to his childhood home and visit teach his niece.  I will be honest, I had struggled with the memories of him from the first.  My brother is gone, he is no longer a threat to others, but this young man is not.  After I first disclosed the abuse to my therapist, he asked me many questions about this young man.  One of them was if I felt this young man would be a threat to others.  Again, I was only 10, this was over 30 years ago, he moved out, and our paths have not crossed again.  I thought I could just move past the abuse from my brother's friend.  I will admit, that I had not even told my new therapist about this boy until yesterday.  I really thought that I could do it.

So many thoughts have gone thru my head.  I have asked-What is the lesson that I am supposed to be learning here?  Am I supposed to learn that it is OK to say NO, am I supposed to be learning that I need to move past it and this is how the Lord wants me to do it?  I realize the nephew is not the one that abused me, but can I go in to that home?  Was the calling inspired and this is the Lord's answer for me?  I frantically texted the Bishop and asked him to call me when he was done with meetings.  When he called me he indicated that he had approved the request and didn't even think anything of it.  Again, is the Lord trying to tell me something?  I am going thru some hard things right now as I try to figure out my relationships and this is one that I just don't have the strength to do right now in my life.  But, I asked the Bishop to pray about it with the information that he had and let me know what impression he was left with because I have to have Faith that if this is TRULY what my Heavenly Father wants me to do then he will give me the strength to do it.

It has been a pretty emotional couple of days.  I have been working on my Sunday School lesson.  This may sound bad but I have been praying for a couple of days that no one shows up so I don't have to teach it.  It really is emotionally killing me inside.  When I first started at LDS Family Services, my therapist asked me to process Alma 32 with my Bishop.  I did that, but I know that my Bishop processed with me what he wanted and I got stuck on the first couple of verses.  So, I never fully did process Alma 32, and it is obvious because I don't get it.  I read of Faith, I read of testimony, and my heart just aches to understand.  "Faith is like a little seed" is the Primary song that plays over and over in my head.  I asked once, OK, what if I planted a seed, thinking that it was going to grow into a beautiful flower, and when it came up, it was a veggie?  The remark that I got-then I must have needed veggies :).  I still want the beautiful flower garden. 

The lesson includes a chapter on the Atonement.  And, it is obvious in my prior posts, I am so not ready to teach a lesson on the Atonement.  I have thought over and over, why can't I just be the kind of teacher that plays games?  Do you know how much easier this whole freaking week would have been?  I have been praying in my heart that I could be released because this is SO HARD!  Then, in the mail I get a new Ensign magazine-callings come from the Lord, and only he can release 'me'.  So, now, the question is, what am I supposed to be learning thru all this?  By now, you will know that I am one that does things in my time frame, and am not really one to like to follow some one else's time frame.  One of the last verses in the chapters of this lesson is to have patience in your afflictions.  There are lots of references in The Book of Mormon about having patience in your afflictions .

I was told by my therapist to ask my religious questions of my Bishop.  He has tried his hardest, but as I said to him yesterday, I don't know that I should be teaching a bunch of teenagers when I am the one that needs to be taught! 

I also volunteered for Survivors at the Summit for The Cancer Wellness House.  As I talked to many survivors, we talked of cancer, I talked to one woman that talked about her biopsy experience.  I understand because I too have a biopsy experience.  When you are going thru it, you go thru the motions.  You are almost numb emotionally as you go thru the experience.  Unfortunately, you are not numb to the physical pain.  The Dr's try but nothing can explain it.  I remember laying in the ultrasound room after my biopsy thinking, OK, what next?  No big deal-I was totally in shock, going thru the motions, the tech kept reminding me to slow down and take my time.  He must have seen this before.  I almost passed out, the tech lays me back down, it was only then that I laid down with my feet above my head, and cried, tears running into my ears.  Then came the heart felt plea "what next?"  So many times you hear "the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle", but how do you explain that to these Survivors on the Summit?  There are days where you don't feel "lucky", where you don't feel "blessed", and there are days where you don't feel like you can handle one more thing.  Some how, you do it.  I heard so many times today-they couldn't have done it without their "support team".  There were amazing people up there on that Peak.  There were some that will not be there next year and were actually blessed to make it to the Peak today.  As one woman refused to come off the Peak until she had a picture with her family surrounding her.  These were the people that I got to be surrounded by today!  There was so much love all around as we celebrated the true survivors-the ones that were finally free from the pain from cancer, either thru the grace of a Dr, or the grace of a Heavenly Father.  All were celebrated, loved, and present!

Yesterday, after I posted on this blog, I started wondering how I could get to know the Savior better.  I started reading about his life in the New Testament.  I will admit, I have always read The Book of Mormon, but I felt like if I really wanted to Know him, I needed to read about him.  I haven't come up with anything new. 

I went on to LDS.org and searched "how can I come to know the Savior?"  Many articles came up in regards to the answer to my question.  I have to admit, I read the search lines and I cried.  One of the words that kept coming up is "trust".  I tend to like control of every situation.  I am slowly learning that I can't do that-which I hate that I can't do.  It is hard for me to see how much I don't trust.  It is hard for me to see that I don't know any differently, hence the ugly pattern. 

I have isolated a lot this week.  I am trying to sort thru my thoughts and my emotions.  I haven't done a lot of homework as I basically have just tried to survive working 2 jobs and still trying to maintain my home life.  My 12 year old stresses about a lot of things-what is she going to wear, when can she be with her friends, what if my friends don't like me, what can she do to improve her relationships with her friends (does it sound familiar?)  The hard part is that when I was her age, I did not have a lot of friends.  I kept to myself a lot, or hung out with my little sister and her friends.  We had girls all over in the neighborhood but I have found I carried a lot of shame.  Have I told you that "invisible" is a good thing for me?  I remember even in High School walking down "stud hall" where all the athletes would sit.  It's funny they would call it "stud hall" because the hall was right across from the locker room-the "studs" sat there because they are the only ones that could stand to smell it!  Anyways, I would walk down "stud hall" and I remember repeating over and over in my head "please don't notice me, please don't notice me..."  I did this exact same process in the music hall.  Thankfully, I don't remember anyone noticing me so my prayer was answered.  In High School, I would find the secluded halls and use them to get to class.  Funny thing is when I go with my little ones to the ball games, I walk those secluded halls with them.  My daughters can't ever get lost at Viewmont High.

As I said yesterday, I am really trying to understand.  I am trying to understand a lot, but again, on my walk as I pondered on the Atonement, I wondered, do I really know my Savior.  If I knew him better, would the Atonement make more sense to me?  Would I not feel so empty?  Would all of this make more sense to me?  Each week when we take the Sacrament , the Sacrament prayer says that we can "always have his spirit" to be with us, so if I knew him better, would I feel him with me? 

My husband keeps telling me he loves me.  Last night, after a particularly hard day, he said he loved me.  I turned to him and said "please don't tell me, show me".  I know he is trying.  I know this is just as hard on him as it is on me. (I think!) 

I have self-injured a lot until I have sores.  I didn't even recognize it until this morning when I realized how bad it hurt.  I try to keep myself busy.  I have started my second job.  My boss is a sweet lady.  She asked last night if I thought it was going to work out.  I told her that it was good for me to just get out of my house for an hour.  It's a lot of work, and I sweat as much as I do after I have walked 3 miles.  I come home exhausted but sleep doesn't come easily.  I went into bed by 10:00 and cried for a little bit.  My mind didn't shut off until after midnight.  I was up by 5:45 to go walking.  I am exhausted but can't do much about it.  I have even tried to hold off on the Diet Coke, it isn't working.  Maybe I should drink more Diet Coke :). 

Last night, as I laid in bed and cried, I thought about just what hurts the most about all of this crap going on in my home.  To be honest,  the most painful part, is when my little one goes in and lays down on my side of the bed to snuggle and when I am not there, she snuggles with her dad.  I miss her little body sleeping next to me and her little hand rubbing my arm until she falls asleep.  There are times where she will just come up to me during the day and randomly rub my arm and then walk away.  I wake up earlier then my entire house and I go in and watch her sleep.  In my heart, I think, my husband has no idea how lucky he has been.  I will never get these special times back.  I will never snuggle with my newborns again.  I will never know what it is like to be a stay at home Mom.  I have to work thru that on my own because really, time hasn't stood still for me, or anyone for that matter.  I tried to make the best of it, but my heart still hurts.

This morning on my walk I pondered.  I don't really concentrate on my walk, which from a therapy point of view, is not so good, but from my individual point of view, I think it is OK.  As I mentioned, I listen to a lot of church music on my walk.  That is pretty much all I have loaded on my Ipod.  I have been thinking a lot on the Atonement.  I actually started this journey trying to learn more about the Atonement because I didn't understand it.  I mean, I understand it, but have never really applied it to me.  I have tried to live my "perfect" life so I didn't need to have the Atonement. 

One song that I hear quite often is "Live Like You Believe", it was a theme song for EFY.  EFY is Especially For Youth, it is a week long camp for teens where they can go and learn more about the Gospel.  I am grateful that my oldest was able to do that and I will definitely do that for my other kids.  But when I think of the title "Live Like You Believe", it sounds so simple.  The question I have is I have been living like I believe, why do I still feel so empty sometimes.