Life is filled with uncertainty.  I currently teach Sunday School in our LDS Ward to teenagers.  We are currently studying Alma 40-42.  This chapter is Alma the Younger preaching to his son Corianton.  Corianton has been a little rebellious and so Alma the Younger is teaching him. 

One thing you need to know about me, is that when I read The Book of Mormon, I read it for me.  I try to understand how it applies to me TODAY because really, that is who the Book was written for.  There are amazing answers to every day problems in this Book.  These chapters have proven a little rough for me.  Because, I know of one that was rebellious.  My brother!  These chapters have had me asking a lot of questions.  These chapters actually discuss life after death, and what happens between when we leave this life and before the Resurrection when our body and spirit are reunited.

I have struggled from the beginning that my brother did not repent before he passed away.  I have cried myself to sleep for the last two days as I have pondered these chapters of scripture.  Because, even though my brother really "wronged" me, I do want him to have some happiness. 

I was asked by my LDS Family services therapist when I first started to ask my spiritual questions to my Bishop.  Well, I will be the first to admit, that I have overwhelmed my Bishop enough.  So, I asked my LDS Family Services therapist what happens to my brother when he didn't repent before he passed away.  His response to me, and I quote "He goes through therapy and works through his sins but reconciliation needs to happen for healing to happen."  I advised him I didn't understand and he advised me that my brother still needs to go thru the repentance process.

I googled "how do you reconcile sexual abuse?"  I first want to warn, there is so much "crap" out there on the internet, and when you are trying to find true, deep answers to your questions, it can be very hard to know what is right from wrong, I know because I am going thru that right now.  It is very hard to find answers to such deep questions in the LDS faith when I am finding that NOONE wants to talk about sexual abuse.  I have to say, I am so grateful that I had the testimony that I did before all of this came out because I am not sure I would have been able to stay as strong as I have been if I didn't have somewhat of a glimmer because this is the hardest thing I have ever done!  There are so many that will try to lead you astray. 

What I found last night as I researched how to reconcile, is that in a nut shell, you feel safe enough to have a relationship with the person that abused you.  You have set boundaries, and you are OK with them being a part of your life.  So, evidently, I am so not ready to do that yet.  So, I better not die until I am ready.  Don't get me wrong, I want my brother to have happiness, but I don't want him to be a part of my life.  I feel sorry for him, I get that his life was hard, but that still does not give him the right to violate me the way he did.  He took a lot from me.  I think that the hardest thing for me is that he left me a "distorted" image of a loving Heavenly Father.  He left me with a lack of trust in the Holy Ghost, and in myself,  and everything beautiful that the Gospel has to offer.  In our LDS faith, we believe that Families can be together Forever, but yet when you were abused by Family, that is not a beautiful concept.