I don't have a lot of time this morning, but I have so much going on in my head that I need to write.  I hope that what I write will make sense but at least help me to clear my thoughts.  I finally got up the guts to call LDS Family to schedule a new appointment with a different marriage therapist.  They can get us in today.  So, then I had the priviledge of advising my husband that I scheduled a session.  I wish I could say that it went well.  Unfortunately, this is so not the case.  He is bothered that it is a woman and he is afraid that he is going to be "ganged" up against.  But, no worries, I never felt like that with our last marriage therapist right?  I will admit, I am scared of the work that another therapy session will entail.  I am working so hard to work thru my issues, there are times where the homework is put on the shelf because the emotions are draining.  I know I need to do the homework, and by scheduling this appointment with LDS I can honestly say I did all that I was asked to do for my individual therapy homework. 

There is always constant movement in my head.  I don't sleep well because I am constantly going.  Don't get me wrong, when I work 10 hours a day, then have to come home fix dinner, do the dishes, and the laundry, I am EXHAUSTED, sleep just doesn't come. 

I have found that I am still "hypervigilant" a term used in therapy, basically, I am always on the look out for my surroundings.  I am going to admit, I did not know that this was not normal to the average human.  I thought that everyone was on the look out for their safety.  Ironic thing is that yes, I am overly cautious but yet, I find so many times on my walks I am cautious and then I zone out and "dissociate".  It isn't until I come back to reality that I realize that I was not cautious at all.  For example, I see a runner and I am very cautious, but yet, I zone out and have no idea where he turns the corner, or I don't even realize that I didn't look when I crossed the street.  (yes, even my 5 year old has had to remind me to look both ways!) 

It has been 2 weeks since I was triggered and I think that is why I am still so over cautious.  I don't understand why it takes me so long to crawl down off the ceiling after I am triggered.  It didn't take much to get me up there.  Yes, I know there are techniques to use to get you down faster, and I am learning, but it really is a slow process.  I am learning that patience is a virtue that has to be mastered every day. 

Please pray for us today that our session will go well.  I pray that I can be open and tell her all that my Heavenly Father wants me to tell because it is so hard for me to open up and trust, especially when it is a complete stranger.  I have anxiety just for the thoughts that I need to go back in to LDS Family Services.  I completed some paperwork and I read the agreement about most issues can be resolved in less than 12 sessions.  So, my mind goes back, and honestly, when I first signed that form a year ago, I thought that I was good enough that I would only need 1 session so of course I did not have a hard time signing it back then.  Now, in my head I feel like telling the therapist today that if she thinks that she is going to turn us away from LDS because yes, I think this is going to be more than 12 sessions, then turn us away today because I don't want to go thru that mess again.  But, guess what, this is not in my control, it is in the Lord's timing and he will figure out what we need.