It's been a rough couple of days.  I spend a lot of time in my emotional mind.  I will be honest, I have been going thru this feeaking flashback for probably the last two weeks.  I have actually had this flashback, months ago in EMDR therapy.  Evidently, I didn't process it enough because it has been haunting me.  There have been a couple of things that have set it off.  I believe it started at church 2 weeks ago.  It was not a good situation for me.  I unfortunately am a deep thinker and try to figure out what Heavenly Father is asking of me.  When I was asked to serve a certain family in our Ward I questioned if I could do it and go back to the home of a boy that raped me.  I so tried!  I thought I could do it, but I couldn't.  I then was triggered by some comments on a blog that I read.  I kept trying to convince myself that it was OK, then, my neck muscles tightened up and I used some Icy Hot.  The smell set me off completely as my brother used it often.  He was the athlete in the family (whatever!), he thought any way.  He hardly ever wore a shirt around the house and used Icy Hot probably on a daily basis.  (I also can't stand the smell of Big Red gum, he chewed it on a daily basis as well!) 

All night long I could not get the smell away from me.  It is even on my pillow.  I showered, it's still there.  I woke up and my head hurt but I needed to go on my walk.  I dissociate a lot.  I even had a Ward member yell at me to get my attention.  It is starting to be dark when I walk.  I still struggle with "hypervigilance". 

Saturday morning, I really wanted to go on my walk to the Temple.  Friday night, I couldn't sleep.  I thought I slept pretty well.  I woke up and looked at the clock 3:17 a.m.  If I had not been so freaked out about my safety, I would have gone walking.  I even thought that if I went for my walk, I could have been home by 6:00.  I discussed it with my therapist, she advised me that it would not be a good idea for me to do that.  So, the earliest I can go is 5:45 (even then that is pushing it!).  I will be honest, I have gone out at 4:00 before, but that was before when I really was crazy.  (I still can't believe I did it :) )

My therapist and I discussed a chore chart for my kids.  We have had fun developing this chart.  I have been taking pictures of "before" the job is done and "after" the job is done so that they know what it is supposed to look like.  The kids have actually done a pretty good job.