So, I went to my individual therapy last night and processed thru the flashback.  It was the most intense session I have EVER had.  She asked some very deep questions, and I told her WAY TOO MUCH!  There are things that I verbalized to her that I have never told anyone.  To be honest, I have thought all day-did I really say that?  After my session, I felt weird, it was hard to explain.  The best way for me to describe it is that I feel "emotionally numb".  I went to bed last night, completely exhausted and yes, I medicated myself to sleep because I was so exhausted from that session.  My shoulder still hurt so bad, and the thought of Icy Hot still freaked me out.  I really need to actually throw it away.  I can't believe that something so minimal could trigger me into such a deep flash back.  As I talked to a friend about this flashback, I was very hesitant because the last thing I wanted to do was to trigger her, but I really needed to tell someone.  She told me that I needed to process this particular flashback with my therapist because I needed to figure out what it said about me.  Needless to say, that is what I did yesterday.  It was not a pleasant experience.  It actually was one of the worst experiences I have ever had because I don't think I wanted to know what it said about me! 

I have been reading about "emotionally numb" and it said that many people after feeling "numb" tend to self injure because they want to feel something.  That explains an awful lot.  I self injured again.  If you read from my blogs back in July you would know that I also found out that after I self injured that I was a MRSA carrier.  Well, my last adventure in self injury is once again, infected.  I have found that I have to keep it draining, and quite honestly it is definitely painful.  The bad thing is that once you self injure, then you feel so great about yourself and then the shame kicks in.  It is a vicious cycle.  I know that I learned some DBT skills that are supposed to help but to be honest, I didn't even think about them until after I had already done the injury.  There is so much to know, but yet in the heat of the battle, I didn't do so well. 

We met with the Bishop this morning.  I went totally expecting to be released.  That didn't happen.  We talked about the marriage therapy.  Well, I was still "emotionally numb" from my session last night, and to be honest, the last thing I wanted to do was to sit there and listen.  I actually let my husband do all the talking.  The Bishop asked a lot of questions, and I let Jed answer all of them.  When it came to the questions about my individual therapy session, I told him very little.  The reason for that is because after 24 hours, I am still "numb".  I will sometimes reflect on little things and I will cry, but for the most part I still just sit there and think "what did I do?"  I have even questioned if the things I shared with my therapist last night were "false memories", that maybe I read this in a book, but then I think about the books that I have read.  I have even wondered how or why anyone would believe me.  Then I have the "damn it" moment where I know this happened. 

I had to tell our marriage therapist that she was going to have to take over the chore chart assignment because I needed my individual therapy session for myself.  So, I need to have the chore chart completed by Tuesday.  I will work on it tomorrow.  Sometimes I am afraid to sleep.  I don't want to know any more.  I don't want to feel any more but yet, after feeling "emotionally numb" for the last 24 hours, I would like to feel something besides the pain.