I cried pretty much all day yesterday, and into the night.  As I said in an earlier post, I had been struggling to prepare my Sunday School lesson.  I struggled with anxiety all morning as I pondered on my lesson.  I sang with the choir, and honestly during Testimony meeting pleaded with my Heavenly Father to not have the feeling to stand and bear my Testimony because I still struggle with my own Testimony.  In my reading, I stumbled upon a talk on how bearing your Testimony strengthens you but I just couldn't do it.  So, Sacrament meeting wasn't so bad, I made it thru without crying myself into a mess.  After Sacrament meeting, I stood in the chapel and talked with a woman that I visit teach that is struggling herself.  As I was standing there talking with her, giving her a shoulder to cry on the Relief Society president gave me a slip of paper with a new assignment.

I looked at the name and I froze.  Emotionally, I caved in.  I was still trying to listen to my sweet friend talk to me about her problems, but in my heart I was a mess.  When I had my first flashback of abuse, there were two boys in that room that night.  One was my brother, and one was his friend.  The other boy moved in with his Father shortly after the incidence and I never saw him again.  When his Mother passed away, I saw him in the driveway as we drove past and I was a wreck then.  But, nothing prepared me for yesterday when the name of his nephew appeared on that paper along with his wife and 3 children.  I was being asked to go to his childhood home and visit teach his niece.  I will be honest, I had struggled with the memories of him from the first.  My brother is gone, he is no longer a threat to others, but this young man is not.  After I first disclosed the abuse to my therapist, he asked me many questions about this young man.  One of them was if I felt this young man would be a threat to others.  Again, I was only 10, this was over 30 years ago, he moved out, and our paths have not crossed again.  I thought I could just move past the abuse from my brother's friend.  I will admit, that I had not even told my new therapist about this boy until yesterday.  I really thought that I could do it.

So many thoughts have gone thru my head.  I have asked-What is the lesson that I am supposed to be learning here?  Am I supposed to learn that it is OK to say NO, am I supposed to be learning that I need to move past it and this is how the Lord wants me to do it?  I realize the nephew is not the one that abused me, but can I go in to that home?  Was the calling inspired and this is the Lord's answer for me?  I frantically texted the Bishop and asked him to call me when he was done with meetings.  When he called me he indicated that he had approved the request and didn't even think anything of it.  Again, is the Lord trying to tell me something?  I am going thru some hard things right now as I try to figure out my relationships and this is one that I just don't have the strength to do right now in my life.  But, I asked the Bishop to pray about it with the information that he had and let me know what impression he was left with because I have to have Faith that if this is TRULY what my Heavenly Father wants me to do then he will give me the strength to do it.