I have pretty much cried myself to sleep for the last 3 days.  I have had many thoughts since Sunday when I was asked to change my visiting teaching assignment.  It also did not help that yesterday was my 22nd wedding Anniversary.  I am still not sleeping in the same room as my husband as I work things thru my head. 

My thoughts that I have been having since Sunday happen to do with my religion and what I believe, what makes me who I am.  I will however admit, that I have had flashbacks of that first night of abuse with my brother and his friend plaguing my thoughts. 

Yesterday, as I was going thru my thoughts, I struggled with my "inner voice", the one that tells me right from wrong.  Trust me, I tried to quiet it all day.  It is impossible unless I leave this life.  And even then, I am not so sure I don't take it with me.  But, again another confession, it was a thought. 

I said last week that maybe I didn't understand the Atonement because I didn't know my Savior.  So, I started reading about his life.  Then I was thrown for the loop with my new assignment.  I have thought that I can't do my LDS faith.  One of the first principles of the gospel is Faith.  I have very little right now.  I keep planting seeds of Faith, things that are supposed to be beautiful to me, and I am not getting what I want.  I talked with the Bishop last night and he reminded me that the Gospel is supposed to bring a spirit of peace and comfort.  So, again, why am I coming up with something different? 

I am struggling to know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  I have always struggled with it so this is nothing new.  But, in my head, I keep repeating "if this is love, I sure would hate to see what it looks like when he hates me."  When I first started my journey, I read many church talks about abuse.  Richard G Scott has a good one and one of the things he says is that sometimes  the Lord gives the courage to one who has been abused to heal from it to cleanse the line.  So, I thought about that being my role.  With this new assignment I have been fighting my inner voice that says that I "can make a difference" in the life of this other family.  I have recited scripture "turn the other cheek", I have recited my Patriarchal blessing "others will see the way you live your life and they will want to know more about the Gospel."  I have said "it's not fair", I have been told that no one would blame me if I did not accept this assignment, but then the inner voice challenges me. 

This healing was supposed to be in my time.  So many times I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions.  I really was working on forgiving my brother and trying to accept what he had done to me.  So, I totally blocked what this other boy did to me.  It was on the shelf.  I unfortunately, had to open the box on Sunday.  The truth is, I was raped by this young man in my home, after my brother raped me first and instead of my brother protecting me, he watched. 

So, now again, the question that I have asked, was this assignment out of "inspiration" or was it "desparation".  I have always felt that my assignments were out of "inspiration" because I have been given some amazing assignments and they have been for me, so now what?