It has been a pretty emotional couple of days.  I have been working on my Sunday School lesson.  This may sound bad but I have been praying for a couple of days that no one shows up so I don't have to teach it.  It really is emotionally killing me inside.  When I first started at LDS Family Services, my therapist asked me to process Alma 32 with my Bishop.  I did that, but I know that my Bishop processed with me what he wanted and I got stuck on the first couple of verses.  So, I never fully did process Alma 32, and it is obvious because I don't get it.  I read of Faith, I read of testimony, and my heart just aches to understand.  "Faith is like a little seed" is the Primary song that plays over and over in my head.  I asked once, OK, what if I planted a seed, thinking that it was going to grow into a beautiful flower, and when it came up, it was a veggie?  The remark that I got-then I must have needed veggies :).  I still want the beautiful flower garden. 

The lesson includes a chapter on the Atonement.  And, it is obvious in my prior posts, I am so not ready to teach a lesson on the Atonement.  I have thought over and over, why can't I just be the kind of teacher that plays games?  Do you know how much easier this whole freaking week would have been?  I have been praying in my heart that I could be released because this is SO HARD!  Then, in the mail I get a new Ensign magazine-callings come from the Lord, and only he can release 'me'.  So, now, the question is, what am I supposed to be learning thru all this?  By now, you will know that I am one that does things in my time frame, and am not really one to like to follow some one else's time frame.  One of the last verses in the chapters of this lesson is to have patience in your afflictions.  There are lots of references in The Book of Mormon about having patience in your afflictions .

I was told by my therapist to ask my religious questions of my Bishop.  He has tried his hardest, but as I said to him yesterday, I don't know that I should be teaching a bunch of teenagers when I am the one that needs to be taught! 

I also volunteered for Survivors at the Summit for The Cancer Wellness House.  As I talked to many survivors, we talked of cancer, I talked to one woman that talked about her biopsy experience.  I understand because I too have a biopsy experience.  When you are going thru it, you go thru the motions.  You are almost numb emotionally as you go thru the experience.  Unfortunately, you are not numb to the physical pain.  The Dr's try but nothing can explain it.  I remember laying in the ultrasound room after my biopsy thinking, OK, what next?  No big deal-I was totally in shock, going thru the motions, the tech kept reminding me to slow down and take my time.  He must have seen this before.  I almost passed out, the tech lays me back down, it was only then that I laid down with my feet above my head, and cried, tears running into my ears.  Then came the heart felt plea "what next?"  So many times you hear "the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle", but how do you explain that to these Survivors on the Summit?  There are days where you don't feel "lucky", where you don't feel "blessed", and there are days where you don't feel like you can handle one more thing.  Some how, you do it.  I heard so many times today-they couldn't have done it without their "support team".  There were amazing people up there on that Peak.  There were some that will not be there next year and were actually blessed to make it to the Peak today.  As one woman refused to come off the Peak until she had a picture with her family surrounding her.  These were the people that I got to be surrounded by today!  There was so much love all around as we celebrated the true survivors-the ones that were finally free from the pain from cancer, either thru the grace of a Dr, or the grace of a Heavenly Father.  All were celebrated, loved, and present!