I have been doing an awful lot of soul searching over the last year.  It has not been easy, in fact it has been down right hard.  Last night after a particularly hard day, I laid in my bed and cried.  I plead with those that know my identity, to please just let me rant for a minute.  I need to get these feelings and emotions out in the open. 

Last night, as I lay in bed, the thought came to me that I have a lot of distortions.  I get it!  I don't need someone to point out my flaws because I already see them, they are glaring at me in the mirror and in my head.  I understand that I was "supposed to" learn a lot of these things about me as a child, I didn't get that in my home.   I will be honest, I feel like I am taking up precious space for some one else that can do my life better than I can.  It would be easy to "start over" if I was a kid, but I am an adult with children, not so easy!

As I said yesterday, I truly believe in a Heavenly Father.  I believe in his existence.  But, that is where my belief stops.  (please don't be critical with my comments!)  As I laid in bed last night, I pondered on my beliefs, and in my testimony of my Heavenly Father.  I am not so sure my Heavenly Father loves me.  (Again, please don't judge!) I know he blesses me, but is that Love? 

I have been struggling with my testimony for a long time.  I have been doing everything that I can possibly do to get it back or even just to keep what I have.  I am tired.  I give up!  I taught my last Sunday School lesson last week because my last student left for college.  I was advised that I would be a substitute until they could figure out what to do with me.  I know how the Sunday School works in my Ward and I am so not playing that game.  So, in my head, if I am a sub then I get to say when and if I am going to teach and right now, I am not going to teach.