As I said yesterday, I am really trying to understand.  I am trying to understand a lot, but again, on my walk as I pondered on the Atonement, I wondered, do I really know my Savior.  If I knew him better, would the Atonement make more sense to me?  Would I not feel so empty?  Would all of this make more sense to me?  Each week when we take the Sacrament , the Sacrament prayer says that we can "always have his spirit" to be with us, so if I knew him better, would I feel him with me? 

My husband keeps telling me he loves me.  Last night, after a particularly hard day, he said he loved me.  I turned to him and said "please don't tell me, show me".  I know he is trying.  I know this is just as hard on him as it is on me. (I think!) 

I have self-injured a lot until I have sores.  I didn't even recognize it until this morning when I realized how bad it hurt.  I try to keep myself busy.  I have started my second job.  My boss is a sweet lady.  She asked last night if I thought it was going to work out.  I told her that it was good for me to just get out of my house for an hour.  It's a lot of work, and I sweat as much as I do after I have walked 3 miles.  I come home exhausted but sleep doesn't come easily.  I went into bed by 10:00 and cried for a little bit.  My mind didn't shut off until after midnight.  I was up by 5:45 to go walking.  I am exhausted but can't do much about it.  I have even tried to hold off on the Diet Coke, it isn't working.  Maybe I should drink more Diet Coke :). 

Last night, as I laid in bed and cried, I thought about just what hurts the most about all of this crap going on in my home.  To be honest,  the most painful part, is when my little one goes in and lays down on my side of the bed to snuggle and when I am not there, she snuggles with her dad.  I miss her little body sleeping next to me and her little hand rubbing my arm until she falls asleep.  There are times where she will just come up to me during the day and randomly rub my arm and then walk away.  I wake up earlier then my entire house and I go in and watch her sleep.  In my heart, I think, my husband has no idea how lucky he has been.  I will never get these special times back.  I will never snuggle with my newborns again.  I will never know what it is like to be a stay at home Mom.  I have to work thru that on my own because really, time hasn't stood still for me, or anyone for that matter.  I tried to make the best of it, but my heart still hurts.