Lots of religious questions going thru my head this week regarding repentance and forgiveness.  I know that I need to repent on a daily basis.  You are told during the sacrament that you should ponder on your week and find ways that you could do better.  Last Sunday was difficult as I pondered on my week, and thought that I was not going to be alive on Sunday.  That was a hard sacrament meeting as I thought that I should be repentant for my suicidal thoughts.  I truly am sorry for my thoughts, I know that life is a precious gift and one that I cannot take away freely.  My mental illness runs away with me and the medication makes me crazy.  When my medications are being adjusted it causes more suicidal thoughts than at other times. 

I truly am blessed to have such a wonderful family that cares for me, and helps to take away the hard days and tells me that I can keep going.

I met a young man named Kai that attempted to commit suicide.  He shot himself.  The damages to his face are indescribable.  He is missing an eye, and the front of his skull because of the shot.  It's really quite sad, however, he has a very good attitude about it and is enjoying his life.  He is grateful he is alive.

I met with Jade on Saturday.  We processed my new letter to my abuse, and then we processed chapter 7 of my child within book.  We did a lot of talking.  Jade was very understanding, he always is, and was very sympathetic to what I had been through.  We talked about my suicidal thoughts.  He has asked me to come up with another safety plan.  As we talked about Chapter 7 we talked about all of my abuse, not just the abuse from David but also from my parents.  That was a little bit hard to hear,  Jade even said he had no idea what I had been through, he thought my abuse was only from my brother. 

Jade has asked me to work on chapters 8 & 9 of the child within book.  My next appointment is Thursday.  My Dr increased my prozac back up to 60 mg.

Today is a better day.  My mind is more clear, hopefully that means that the medications are starting to work.  I feel like such a burden on others, Jade, Bishop Wittwer, Jed, and my kids.  Yesterday was a hard day.   As soon as I walked in yesterday from work, Maddie got up from the computer, and gave me a huge hug.  I needed that.  She even gave me a hug after I got home from my 2nd job.  It truly was just what I needed.  Heavenly Father touched her little heart enough to do for me what she could. 

I am nervous to go to my session on Saturday.  I have no idea what is ahead of me this week when it comes to Jade.  With all of my crazy texts, we evidently have a lot to talk about. 

I want to talk about me.  I want to talk about my bipolar, I want to talk about what to expect, how do I know if I am going down the wrong road.  I want to process my letter to my abuse, and I want to process chapter 7 of healing my inner child.  I want something to make sense.  I want Jade to help me to make sense of all of my confusion.

I'm not going to lie, today has been a rough day.  I know, it's another day of me saying it is a rough day!  As I had my suicidal thoughts on Monday, I had picked today to be my last day.  To be honest, it hurts me to even say that, but I just couldn't keep going like I was.  Thankfully, I had Jed give me a priesthood blessing and it seemed to calm me, add on the Bishop's kind words and I am living another day. 

Mark, my boss, came back home from his little vacation.  He started on me the entire morning.  He advised me how frustrated he was with me.  At one point I finally turned to him and told him that I couldn't keep frustrating any more that I wasn't mentally well enough to do the job that he was asking me to do.  Of course, he wouldn't let me quit, which I find is ironic, especially if I am frustrating him as much as he says. 

I did finally hear from Jade, it was a blessing that I really needed.  I needed it to just continue down this road that I am on.  I needed to know that he was still OK with me, even after all my craziness this week (yes, I was really crazy this week!). 

Yesterday was a rough day.  I did go home and rewrite my letter to my "trauma" although I have a hard time calling it "trauma" when it was clearly abuse.  So, I wrote my letter to my abuse.  I thought that I wouldn't have much to say, but heaven forbid, it ended up being 4 pages. 

I have been feeling very low.  The Dr's are working on my medication and so my mind is fluctuating as much as my meds are.  Yesterday I was very suicidal.  I know that my kids might struggle hearing that.  Please know that it isn't me, but is my mental illness.  Right now, until I get my medications under control, my emotions could run away with me.  Dad is working very hard to keep me safe.

I have been reaching out to Jade since I left my session last Thursday.  I have not heard 1 thing from him.  It is very frustrating when my emotions are going so crazy.  I have been texting him because as I mentioned in a prior post, my last session was rough.  That is how long I have been trying to reach out to him. 

This afternoon when I was struggling with my emotions I asked Jed for a priesthood blessing.  He then told me that he was impressed to mention that I needed to continue with therapy.  I also turned to my Bishop, Bishop Wittwer.  He thankfully responded to me.  He sent me a quote; "Human pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time.  Rather, it works its way out of our consciousness over time. There is a season of sadness.  There is a season of anger.  A season of tranquility.  A season of hope."  -- Thomas Moore.

I have to realize that no matter how hard it is, I need to keep going.  That there is a season of sadness, and a period of anger.  Then there comes a season of Forgiveness and hope.  

So, I have been doing some reading today in regards to my last therapy session.  Am I stressed about the changes that I have to make with work?  Yes!  Am I stressed about the changes that I have to make with home?  Yes!  Am I stressed about my trauma work?  Yes!  Which brings me the greatest anxiety right now?  I think it is me and my Bipolar diagnosis.  As I left Jade's office on Thursday, I felt as though we hadn't done anything, that we talked about absolutely nothing!  I even felt like saying "what about me?"  We forgot to talk about "me" and what all this means to "me".  Am I ready to change my relationship at work?  Probably not.  I need to focus on me first and let the other things fall in to place.  I wrote a letter to my trauma last week.  Jade asked me if that was really how I felt about my trauma?  At the time, I could say "yes", which I did.  Jade told me that I could write a letter to my trauma and then after I processed it, I could burn it.  This week if I had to write a letter to my trauma, my abuse, it would read differently. 

I am still reeling with emotions from my last session.  I am completely anxious and overwhelmed with my thoughts.  I struggle with eye contact during difficult moments in my sessions.  I have always struggled with this.  There is a picture behind Jade that I focus on when I can't answer Jade's questions.  I found myself looking at the picture a lot.  At one point though I was looking at Jade when he looked up to the ceiling.  My emotions are everywhere because of that single move.  Am I boring him?  Am I at a point where he doesn't know what to do with me?  Am I at a point where he is disappointed with my progress? 

My session with Jade did not go well yesterday.  We talked a lot about my job and how I need to stand up to my boss.  This is easier said than done.  He challenged me once again to stand up to my boss.  Once again I told him that I would see (which he takes as no!).  I really will do it when the timing is right.  We talked about my family, and then we talked a little about my patriarchal blessing.  I read my letter to my trauma that he asked me to write.  He then stated that based on my letter it sounded as though I wished my trauma never would have come out.  He also stated that there was a way that we could suppress my memories again.  We talked and he stated that no matter what the abuse would come out in a different way in my life.  So, that means that I am going to keep dealing with the emotions that I have been given because the last thing I want is for things to come out in another way.  What if I can't handle the other way?  We talked about this blog.  I mentioned to him that I had over 200 entries on this blog and that one day I was going to put it into a book for my children.  I mentioned to him that I wanted to write a letter to my kids explaining the book before I let them read it, and of course it will be when they are older.  This blog is for them, and for me.  This blog will hopefully one day become a strength to my children.  This blog has given me strength, it has helped me find a place for my emotions.

I went to the NAMI group last night.  We talked about Bipolar.  It was interesting.  I have to admit, I am a little scared of the manic stage.  I don't know which one is better, the manic stage or the depression stage.  I am in the depression stage and that is where the suicidal thoughts come, but in the manic stage you do crazy things, you don't sleep, and you don't really remember doing the things that you did, or at least after your done and out of the stage you think "that was a little crazy thing to do".

Jed's class talked about suicide and the warning signs of suicide.  When we got home we discussed the questions that he will ask.  He then informed me that if I become suicidal he would take me to the hospital, I understand, so I informed him what hospital I would prefer to go to.  It would be LDS Hospital.

Who would have thought that I would be discussing this with my family?  I never would have believed it. 

So, I have survived another day.  Really, it hasn't been hard.  Last night, I picked at my chin and pulled all of the whiskers out that I possibly could.  It felt so good!!!  This is called self-injury.  I know that it is bad, and I know exactly what triggered it. 

I am scheduled to meet with Jade on Thursday at 3:30.  This is the same time that the Viewmont Sophmore football team plays their game.  Jed asked Becca to get off of work to take me to therapy so he could go and keep score for the football team.  Jed does not get paid from the Sophmore football team which caused me a lot of stress.  I would hope that my therapy is a greater priority than keeping score for a football team for free.  Becca needs to work until 4:00 and so she cannot take me.  Even today at lunch, Jed asked if Jade could change my appointment to 2:30 so he could still make it to the game.  REALLY!!!  Am I not that important?  Am I not a priority in the lives of my family?

I went to Voc Rehab and met with a case worker.  She indicated that they would pay for 20 sessions of therapy for me, this is because I still have a job.  When she asked me what my career path should be I indicated that I probably needed a lower stress job.  I advised her that I was just barely diagnosed with Bipolar 2 weeks ago and so I am still trying to deal with the emotions of that diagnosis.  She told me that I needed to work on 1 thing at a time and that I needed to get my medication levels under control before I start working on my job.  I understand exactly where she is coming from.  I do have too many things going on right now.

In my session last week we talked about my job.  Jade started pressuring me to stand up to my boss.  He then asked if I would do it.  I told him "I'll see".  He then stated that his son says whenever he or his wife say "we'll see", the answer is always no.  Well, there are still so many things that I still need to work thru with my boss but today he asked me if I was a champion?  I told him I was working on it.  He then went off on me.  So, when he stopped talking, I asked him if he thought I was a champion?  He said yes and proceeded to tell me the things that he thought I had done well.  But, of course in the next breath he advised me that I was not a champion in simple things.  OH WELL!  I tried!

Today has been a rough day.  It has just been me and Mark in the office.  He has a lot to say about my attitude, and my work ethic, and my lack of accountability, and lack of responsibility.  I should want to be better than I am.  In DBT we are always told that we are doing our best with where we are at right now.  Evidently, my best is not good enough in this job.  Mark hates my all or nothing thinking, and he has even asked for input when we talk.  When I do talk, I am ridiculed and again I am not accepting accountability for my actions, I am just blaming him, and my life situations are not his fault.  He has a good life (or so I have been told, on a daily basis at least once.)

I have had some suicidal thoughts that have not been good.  I knew that I needed to reach out to someone and the only person I could think of was the Bishop.  Thankfully, he responded and helped me set my emotions at bay until I can get off work.  The Bishop told me to go home and rest after work today.  So, I plan on taking a candle lit bubble bath and getting in my jammies, hanging out with my kids and then going to bed. 

My session with Jade is tomorrow.  I have completed my homework this week, which was to go walking twice.  Yesterday, I went for my 2nd walk this week, and it was not one of those walks where I was grateful for my walk.  I was in my head quite a bit. 

I don't want to be Bipolar, I don't want borderline personality, I don't want to take medications for the rest of my life.  I thought that I would go to therapy for some time, take some anti depressants and eventually get off of them and stop needing therapy.  Now, I read that I will have bipolar for the rest of my life.  I can still get over the borderline personality, but the bipolar is never going away. 

As I did the NAMI walk last week, I saw a poster that says that at least 1/2 of the children born to parents with bipolar will get the disorder at some time in their lives.  I feel awful for what I have done to my children.  I hate that I am a financial burden on my Ward and on my Family.  I mentioned that to my Bishop, he said that it is another way of recognizing that I am not deserving of help. 

I don't know how to feel.  I am still very numb-I think that is a good thing, but maybe not.  As I sit and ponder on my Bipolar diagnosis I am confused and my head hurts. 

I went to BRIDGES which is a class that Nami puts on.  It was very interesting.  I had a lot of anxiety while I was there.  A young girl clicked her pen the entire night.  I struggle with the pen clicking as it is a trigger for me.  I am getting better with it, but it still made me anxious Tuesday night. 

I started on Lamotrigine, I don't feel any difference yet.  They say I should be tracking my mood.  Unfortunately, I think that I am still in the depressed state.  There is so much going on in my life.  I am still struggling financially.  I work 2 jobs and still can't get ahead.  I don't know what more I am supposed to do. 

I processed my flashback with Jade last week.  I have felt so much better.  They say that the flashbacks lose their intensity when you tell someone.  So, I did just that, I still need to talk to my Bishop about my feelings of worthiness.  This needs to be done before the Ogden Temple Dedication next week.

I still have a lot of anxiety.

Blog post from 9/9

Lots going thru my mind this week.  In my last session with Jade he announced to me that he thought that I had Bipolar II.  He asked me to complete a questionnaire, so I did and found that I was Bipolar.  This meant that I was on the wrong prescription.  Jade then asked me to complete a release form so that he could talk to my psychiatrist.  I signed the form and gave it to him.  I called my psychiatrist the next day and she asked me to schedule an appointment but to also start a new prescription.  I started Lamotrigine last night.  It will probably take 2 weeks for me to notice anything differently. 

 

Jade usually doesn’t like to make any diagnosis.  I am grateful that he did in my case because he knows me much better than my psychiatrist.  I only had 2 little homework assignments this week, 1 was to sign the form for Jade to talk to my psychiatrist which I had to do ASAP according to Jade, and the next assignment is to exercise at least 2 times before my next session.  Bless his heart he said that for how hard I am working, we should have seen an improvement in my moods and I should be compensated for my efforts. 

 

When it came to my Bipolar diagnosis, I am still wondering, what does this have to do with me and my future?  What does my future look like?  What does the future hold for my family?  Will this disorder get worse?  No one can answer my questions.  I even asked Bishop Wittwer, who is a therapist, if he knew any 85 year olds with Bipolar?  He wondered why I would ask?  It’s because I promised my children that I would live to be 85 or at least long enough to be their worst nightmare.  J

Blog post from 9/4

So, I have session tonight with Jade.  I am a little anxious as I have had a lot going on this week.  Jade asked me to emotionally prepare myself for Chapter 7 of my Gift to Myself book.  I am not sure what to think.  This book brings up a lot of things to the surface.  Things that I wish could have stayed buried for a very long time, like a lifetime.  I understand that the only way to really heal from this is to find how it impacted me. 

 

I have been thinking and I believe that I had a flashback in the Bishop’s office.  It started there and did not let up.  By Tuesday night I could not stand the images in my head any more.  I needed to tell someone.  I needed my flashback to lose its power.  I got up the courage and shared my flashback with Jed.  He just listened.  After I told about the flashback and had my emotional breakdown.  Jed and I just sat there, almost dumb founded, like “now what do we do?”  Jed was a little overwhelmed and he asked me to share my flashback with Jade. 

Blog post from 9/2

So, State Farm has determined that my blog is too deep to allow me to update at work.  That’s ok, I’ll  figure it out another way. 

 

This weekend, I had a session with Jade, we talked about my homework.  It was about the fact that I have a history of abuse in my family.  This was not new to me, I knew my whole life that there was history of abuse, I just didn’t know that it included me.  I thought that I had gotten thru my life unscathed.  Boy, was I wrong.  After I left Jade’s office it started to bother me.  Just because my family has a history of abuse, doesn’t give someone the right to abuse me.  After I started on this journey, I read that often times, one remembers abuse and gets the help needed.  By doing this, it is the Lord’s way of cleansing the lineage.  Isn’t it nice that it would be me that gets to do that?  I am pretty lucky that I have Jade to help me do that because I sure could not do this by myself.

 

I met with Bishop Wittwer this past Sunday.  We talked about prayer.  He stated that prayer is actually a covenant that we make to our Heavenly Father, and in turn, he covenants with us.  We continued talking and then I asked a deep question, one that I probably should not have asked.  I asked, why does the abuse feel like sin?  The Bishop stated that it is sin, but that the sin is not mine.  I then began talking to him about the images in my head, he asked if I was asking as if I had corroborated with my Brother.  Just then a knock was at the door and I hurried and left the office.  I never did get to explain some of what I was feeling to the Bishop.  I really did leave it at that.  I feel empty without answers and still have the images in my head.  I have had these images in my head for the last 3 years.  They are the same ones, over and over again.  This one in particular I had when I was meeting with Dr Frank.  I never did allow him to do EMDR on me with this flashback.

 

On Saturday after my session with Jade, I had felt pretty low.  I went home and ate a ton of food.  It was all healthy, but it was a lot.  Jed and I went to Chuck a rama.  I continued to eat.  I ate so much that I felt sick.  I came home and took my medicine and immediately gagged myself.  I had to run to the bathroom to throw up.  I felt so much better.  I have never binged and purged and the sad thing is that it felt good and I felt so much better.  I know that it is wrong.  My sister Alisa had bulimia for years so I am definitely going to need to discuss this with Jade so that I don’t head down this same road.