Today is another day where I have thoughts of Heavenly Father and my relationship with him.  I wish I could say that I believed that I was a daughter of God.  Instead, I just say it in the hopes that one day I will believe it.  I asked the Bishop if it was OK to be angry with God?  In searching for my answers I found that I am not angry, but I am hurt.  I am hurt that I prayed for safety and some nights I didn't get it.  I am hurt that I don't feel that inner peace that he promises to bring.  I am hurt that sometimes it feels as though I am trudging this road alone, and maybe that is what he wants me to do, I don't know. 

I struggle with prayer.  Why pray if no one is listening?  Really!  Right now, my financial situation is a mess, I have bipolar which is out of whack as I adjust my medication, I have several problems that I am facing.  I sometimes ask God, if he could move a mountain, why doesn't he move my mountain. 

I read today that we shouldn't really be asking God Why, but What is a more productive question.  Questions like, What am I supposed to be learning from this experience?

I was able to get an appointment with Jade, which was a miracle in and of itself.  We talked about Heavenly Father and how I feel abandoned by him, like I said in my prior post.  This was not an easy question and required a whole lot of soul searching.  Jade asked me when was the last time I felt peace.  I am going to say, that the last place I actually felt peace was in the temple.  He said it's nice to feel peace when  your home (meaning the temple!).  To be honest, I struggled with that comment, and I let him know that.  Because right now, there is not a whole lot of peace in my home.  This week he has asked me to fast and pray and ask Heavenly Father my questions.  To write them down and wait and listen to hear the response.  This should be interesting

How do I feel abandoned by God?  That is the magical question this week from Jade.  I have been talking to my Bishop about some of my feelings but here, I can get my feelings out and not worry about what people think of me.  I must admit, I did let some of my real feelings out with my last email to the Bishop.  I hope he doesn't think less of me of the things that I wrote.  I don't know how to be angry with God.  He is someone that I cannot see which makes this very difficult.  There are billions of Heavenly Father's children all over the world, I am a particle of sand amidst a world of beaches.  Why should I matter?  Do I matter?  Maybe I need to go back to step one and find out again if there really is a God?  If my relationship with my Earthly Father mirrors my relationship with my Heavenly Father, I must really need some help.

So, I don't see Jade for 2 weeks, which is actually killing me because he gave me some pretty intense thoughts and homework.  We talked about Shame and how shame happens.  Shame comes from abandonment which leads to isolation.  It is a terrible cycle.  So, I have some shame when it comes to my religion.  I struggle to feel worthy of my Savior's love, let alone my Heavenly Father.  Right now, I have isolated myself from Heavenly Father, which means that I feel abandoned by him.  As I reflected on this statement, I have found that it is true I have isolated and there are times where I do feel abandoned by the Lord.  Yesterday as I was pondering during the Sacrament I asked "how much longer do I need to be in the refiner's fire?"  I have been here a very long time.  Sometimes it seems as though I will be there forever.  Then I think was I not good enough to get out, have I not learned something that I am supposed to learn?  Again, another terrible cycle.

My homework this week is to write 10 things that I need to forgive myself for.  It should be pretty easy right?  Yeah, I will work thru it.

Life goes on, even when we think it should slow down, or even stop.  We get a day older, the seasons change, you should start getting the picture.  I am needing life to slow down.  My emotion yesterday was shame, again!  My Bishop found out about my bill with LDS Family Services.  He already knew about it, but he thought that I was paying it.  In a prior conversation with my Bishop he stated that I was to pay what I could and then the Ward would pay the rest.  I guess he forgot, or I misunderstood, but LDS Family called him about my bill.  He had the Ward pay it, but I was very ashamed that the Ward had to pay it. 

We went and met with the Bishop regarding the budget.  It was not pretty.  I really need Jed to get a job.  I also was contacted by the Attorney for Lemon Tree.  I just can't take much more.  My life is pretty stressful for me.

If I had to pick an emotion today (which I do! :) ) I would say today, I am a little overwhelmed with life.  I am a little stressed about our financial situation.  I got our mortgage payment reduced and I think I am on my last wage garnishment on October 31st which is awesome.  But, we are still in a financial mess.  Jed hasn't gotten a job.  He has been studying for his commercial drivers license now for a month and still has not taken the test. 

I went walking today with Jan Greenhalgh, the Relief Society President.  We started walking together yesterday.  I ended up with a huge blister today.  My concern is it is a huge open wound.  Keep in mind, I am a MRSA carrier, so that is a big concern for me. 

I hardly slept last night, and so I am exhausted.  I sure could use a nap!

So, I didn't do my therapy homework last week, which made for a very interesting therapy session.  I was sorry that I did not do my homework and I didn't want to waste the therapists time, but I had my session anyway.  We talked about my experience with bullying, I wouldn't go into details.  I was afraid that Jade would not accept my thoughts or that he would laugh at me.  I know that I need to trust him, but this one memory is very humiliating, it is painful to keep reliving.

The homework that I avoided last week was identifying my emotions.  Saturday after my session I felt sadness.  I longed for what a normal kid goes thru.  I know that some kids get bullied, but I was bullied at home and at school, and at church.  There was no where for me to go where I was not bullied.  I am pretty lucky that I turned out the way I did and I am very blessed to have awesome friends in my later years. 

Yesterday, my primary emotion was humility.  I attended the Addiction Recovery group last night and was completely humbled as I listened to 2 young men relate their addiction to alcohol, how both of them ended up living on the streets.  I have been pretty blessed to always have a home to live in.  In the book it talks about how we have to hit "rock bottom" in order to realize where we have to go.  In my sharing, I shared that the Lord helped me to hit "rock bottom".  I had a dear woman come up to me after and asked what I meant.  I told her of my experience with my first flashback.  She had a totally different perspective than I did.  She stated that Heavenly Father must have loved both my brother and I for my brother to be able to pass thru the veil and ask for forgiveness.  She also stated that Heavenly Father must have really trusted me to show me such immense emotion.  I had never thought of it like that.

Today, in identifying my emotion I am feeling a lot of Shame.  I think that Shame is one of the most painful emotions for me.  I live with shame a lot.  The dictionary has 2 definitions for Shame the noun definition is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.  The verb definition is to make someone feel ashamed.  I looked up the definition for ashamed.  Ashamed is an adjective that states "reluctant to do something through fear of embarrassment or humiliation."  There are times thru this were I feel shame while attending therapy.  I am not going to lie, I think I feel it almost every week.  Shame is honestly killing me because basically I am ashamed to be alive some days.  Sadly, today is one of those days, I am just in a funk and cannot get out.

My mind has been going 1,000 miles an hour this week.  I hardly sleep because it is so difficult to shut off my brain.  For some reason I have been terribly sad since my last therapy session, and I go again tomorrow. 

I think it is because I am sad for the times I was bullied.  I wanted to lock those images out of my memory and be done with them.  However, that is not possible when you are working on inner child work. 

I went to vocational rehab yesterday.  We talked about my job situation.  The specialist that was working with me told me that the "writing is on the wall" and that my boss "doesn't have a backbone to fire you."  That was hard to hear, but it was the truth.  I don't know what I am going to do, but it sounds as though I will be looking for another job. 

I totally believe that God will guide me to where I need to go and that things will work out the way he wants it to be for me.  I have to do the work, but let him do the rest.  I am not really good with that. 

There have been many times this week where I have just wanted to cry.  Sometimes the tears are there, and sometimes they are not, but inside I just feel sad.

I am going to admit, I have been isolating myself from my therapist.  I just haven't had any questions for him.  I haven't texted him in days, which always causes him some concern.  I guess I should just send him a text and tell him I am OK, but really, what does it matter?  It's not like he doesn't have other clients that need him more than I do.  I don't want to be like that little boy that cried "wolf" all those times, and then when there really was a "wolf", no one responded.  I must also admit, I have been isolating from everyone.  I just don't feel like talking.  I feel like all I do is speak negative and no one wants to be around a negative person, so I just stay to myself, unless I really need to go out, then I just dread being out.  Social interaction is very difficult for me, which before my mental illness, it was not a problem.  Now, I have anxiety, even going to church.  I feel like I am a different person than what I used to be.  I am so cautious of who I talk with because I am not comfortable with who I am.  There is such a stigma about mental illness.  I guess I have the stigma for myself because I don't really like who I am.  I do feel crazy, I do feel out of control, so I am what the stigma says.  It is just hard to accept.

I went to the NAMI class last night.  We talked about suicide and suicide prevention.  They talked about how we have to have a Crisis Plan.  They even asked us to put our crisis plan on our fridge.  Nice, I want everyone that comes into my home and opens my fridge to see my crisis plan!  I know I would have neighbor kids asking :).  It was a hard class to attend.

I love my therapist, Jade Mangus, he pushes me to where I need to go.  However, this week, I have been pushed too hard.  I am still reeling from my prior session and it's Wednesday, it's almost time for another session.  My homework has been to name my emotions.  I have an app on my phone that I can track my moods but writing about what caused my mood, what I did to get out of it if it was a difficult emotion, and what was the use of the emotion.  Really?  How does one person write down their emotions when it is so hard to identify them.

My stomach has just been churning since Saturday's session.  I am not sure why, but I have had a lot of anxiety about it.  I even sent a text to Jade advising him that I could not complete my homework this week because of the difficult time I have been having. 

I have been really struggling with the pain that my last therapy session brought to the surface in regards to being bullied in my youth.  I am surprised at how the bullying has affected me, even today as I still have pain when I think of my experiences.  I truly want to cry.  I told my Bishop, I didn't think I could go any further in therapy.



He sent me a reply and asked me what gospel principles I am learning from therapy.  I wrote " 

When Jade was asked what his treatment goal for me was, he stated that I would know when I was done when I have forgiven myself.  My first thought was that I am learning forgiveness, forgiveness of my brother, my parents, my friends, etc.  As the scripture states “love thy neighbor as thyself”.  I have never loved myself, I still have a problem with this.  In our Relief Society lesson on Sunday Cecily Cook taught the lesson and talked about photography where she compared us to a picture that wasn’t perfect.  However, when the photo is cropped and taken care of, that picture becomes “wall worthy”.  After the lesson Jan, the Relief Society President, came up to me and asked me if I felt like I was “wall worthy”.  I am still working on “cropping and taking care of” my picture.  I am learning to understand the Atonement on a much more personal level than I could ever have imagined.  I am learning that Gethsemane was not just for sin, but also for my inequalities, my weaknesses, my worries, my fears, the list goes on and on.  I am learning to have hope and to trust in God, knowing that his plan is greater than I could ever imagine. 

  

The next question he asked is "What am I doing well? "That was the hardest question that he gave me today.  He then replied to me to read the last couple sentences in the paragraph above.

 

The last question he asked is "where can I improve?"  My response is as follows,"

I still am not so sure about my self -worth.   I am learning, but it is a slow process for me.  I wish I could just say that I know I am a Daughter of God, but that is one of those positive affirmations I keep telling myself so that one day, I will believe it.  I need to improve my relationship with Heavenly Father.  To be honest, I don’t know how to pray to him.  It is very hard for me to ask for things for myself.  I remember you stating that Prayer was a Covenant.  I am trying.  Sometimes it feels as though no one is listening."

 

So, it sounds as though therapy is helping, it is just soooooo hard.  Did I mention how hard it was?  I am learning a lot, but there is a lot of pain that goes along with it.

 

 I

Well, therapy day was just as hard as I predicted.  We opened up talking about General Conference, and then we got into the nitty gritty of my homework.  We talked about how the negative rules/messages have changed the way that I am and my way of thinking. 

Jade also had me watch a video on bullying.  I watched the video and we discussed my first impressions of the video.  Jade was appalled with the way the teenagers treated the girl in the video.  The sad truth is that I was treated much like that girl.  I advised Jade that it was a hard video to watch but that nothing surprised me.  Then we discussed my life growing up.  I was bullied not only at home, but also at school and church.  I never felt like I fit in with anyone.  I spent a lot of time by myself. 

I couldn't bring myself to tell Jade about a situation that I had in 7th grade.  I have been blessed with long legs, but also a short waist.  I have never been one to wear low rider pants and so my pants look like they are pulled up a little higher than the normal person.  (Now that I am older, I just leave my shirts untucked!)  But, one day in Science class, a young boy, Paul Vanleer, pulled up his pants all the way to his chest and asked the class "hey guys, guess who I am, I am Mary Troop!".  I was so humiliated.  There were times where the bus would be pulling away from the school with the kids and I would hear snide remarks coming towards me from the boys on the bus.  One in particular liked to mock me quite incessantly, Matt Clark.  I never did do anything with that group of boys but they sure liked to make fun of me.  I remember walking home from school on more than one occasion in tears because of what the boys said out the window.

Junior High was a rough time for me.  Even the girls in the Ward bullied me.  I remember finding papers that they would write back and forth to each other where they mocked how I dressed, or how I wore my hair that day, or even if I smelled funny.  It hurt my feelings.  This was normal for me.  I got to the point where I backed away from all of my friends.  Even my Ward friends, the ones that are supposed to like you for who you are, the ones that have been with you since you were 3.  None of them wanted to hang out with me.  I spent a lot of time by myself.

Tomorrow is Therapy day.  I have to admit, I have been isolating myself this week from my therapist because I can't help but feel like I am annoying.  He has never said that I was, but when I get into my emotional mind, it is tough turning back.  I sent him some pretty intense texts earlier this week that I felt stupid sending, after I sent them.  My homework this week has been to look at the negative messages and rules that I had placed on me as a child and see how they have affected my relationships.    How has the negative rules/messages affected my relationships?  I have to ask myself.

In my marriage, I married the first man that ever took notice of me.  He is a kind man, he has never physically hurt me.  He has some issues of his own, but in the end, I do love him.  He kind of grows on you!!!

I have distanced myself from many of my friends because of the shame that I carry.  I distanced myself from friends so many years ago that even as a teen I did not have many friends.  Even the friends I had, talked negative about me behind my back.  Most days when I got home from school I would go into my bedroom and sleep.  Weekends, I spent by myself.  I only attended 1 dance in all my high school years.  Even then, the boys in my Ward mocked me.  That hurt worse than spending money to go. 

In my relationship with my parents.  I am still trying to please them, every chance that I can get.  I know that they love me, and I know how hard they are trying.  I am trying very hard too.  And you know, since telling them about my abuse, it has been a little bit easier to talk with them.  My Mom still wants to put it under the carpet.  My Dad wants to be more understanding. 

In my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  It has affected me the most as everyone says that he is there to talk too.  Some tell him everything about them.  Some ask for blessings.  Don't get me wrong, I do ask from safety, but that is pretty much what I ask for.  I have heard that some people just pray for the things they are grateful for.  I am grateful for all of the many blessings that Heavenly Father has given me.  He has blessed me more than I could ever comprehend.  There are times where I am in awe of what he has given me.  He has given me more than I feel I am worth.

Today is my birthday.  What are my thoughts today?  Well, I have pondered on my inner child and to be honest, I just want to cry today.  I pondered on my 8th Birthday.  I was so excited to have a Birthday, but so terrified to be baptized.  I remember hoping that others would forget about my Baptism so I wouldn't need to go thru with it.  I remember Verlon Duncan was my Bishop.  He knew of my fears.  Even in my interview with him, I told him I didn't think that I could get baptized.  He was so kind and gentle with me.  I remember that day going up to the A Frame chapel in our Stake.  He let me help fill the font with water.  I even picked the temperature. 

Baptisms are so special in our religion, and each baptism that I have prepared my daughters for has been very special and dear to my heart.  Each one of them looked beautiful in their 2nd of 3 white dresses.

I remember shaking as I entered that Font.  Many thought I was shaking because the water was cool, but I was shaking because of my fear.  I was so worried I would fall, or I would do something that would humiliate myself and my family.  My Grandparents were there.  The last thing I wanted to do was embarass them.  I did it.  I did get baptized and my fear went away.

I still worry about failing in the face of my family.  I worry about humiliating them, or embarassing them beyond belief.  My Grandparents are both gone now, and I never could measure up.

Now that I am baptized I can honestly say that my baptism day has blessed my life immensely, no matter how frightened I was I survived.  Much like many other situations in my life.  Each week when I partake of the Sacrament, I still struggle with my fears of humiliating myself, my family, friends, etc.  I still feel like I can't measure up enough to please my Heavenly Father.  Sacrament is still very hard for me, but it is starting to get easier as I take little steps to come to know my Father in Heaven just a little bit better.

Sometimes I feel like I am such a pain to my family, my therapist, my friends, etc.  You get the picture, I just feel like a pain to everyone.  This is one of those moments that I feel like that.  Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be turning 44.  Everyday after 42 is an adventure for my family scenes how my siblings both died at 42.  I have had a memory that has been bugging me about my Birthday.  I remember when I was probably 10 years old my parents asked me what I wanted for my Birthday.  My parents laugh about it now, but when asked what I wanted for my birthday I told them I wanted a homemade birthday cake from my Mom and a "spanking" from my Dad.  Now that I look back on that I see that the abuse was occurring in my home and this was the only way I knew to get attention.  The sad thing is that it has been a family joke for all these years.  For over 30 years I am reminded of this every year.  I even remember what I got that year for my birthday.  I got a kit that I could make pom poms, a navy blue hoody that my mom sewed a rainbow on it, and a stuffed snoopy dog holding woodstock.  I loved my gifts.  I remember not wanting to be a pain to my family even then.  Ruffling feathers was never good in our home, you basically did what was asked of you, when you are asked, and there was nothing left to discuss. 

Now that I am older, and I am starting to heal from my abusive past, I have to look for the good things because I am tired of listing all of the bad.  I remember that Birthdays were the only time you got a round 2 layer cake.  Mom always made your favorite kind.  Mine of course was chocolate.  It hardly ever came from a box.  My Birthday's always coincided with UEA, a school holiday.  Oh, how I loved not having to go to school on my Birthday.  I love October because I love playing in the leaves.  Dad was hardly home and so if he was home that made it even more special.  He never seemed to get angry on your Birthday's, and if you were only expecting a spanking then him being nice was over the top right?!

I have still been reflecting on my homework assignment.  It has been one of the hardest assignments that I have been given.  Last night, I reflected on some of the hurtful names that I was called or I was told that I was, such as loser, loner, ugly, stupid, etc.  This form or bullying did not just come from my family but also from my friends.  It hurt to trudge up those memories.  I understand that I can't heal from them until they are out in the open.  I wrote down this list of names and then I didn't know what to do with it, so I burned it.  It felt good.  My kids wondered what I was doing.  Thankfully I did not set anything else on fire and I blew it out before I burned myself. 

I have still reflected on my relationship with Heavenly Father.  This relationship hurts the very most.  Jade and the Bishop have both said that my relationship with my Earthly Father is a mirror of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  This makes me sad.  I have been working thru some anger, anger at my parents, my brother, myself, and Heavenly Father.  I asked the Bishop if it was OK for me to be angry with God.  He texted back something that I absolutely needed to hear "he (God)has big shoulders."  Which means to me that he can handle it.  God is aware of my emotions right now.  As I have thought about my anger, I have thought, how can I change my anger into something good?  I could become an advocate over sexual abuse.  I have thought about coming out to my friends but I am not sure the rest of my family is ready to hear the news. 

For my homework this week I was to draw a picture of my trauma.  I drew a picture of my perfect home and even framed it.  Then I shattered the glass.  The picture was just a little stick figure house with a tree and even a smiling sun.  It had beautiful purple flowers lining the front of the house.  It felt so good to shatter the glass.  Even my kids got into the action. 

I took my picture to show Jade.  He asked if I regressed a little back into being a child.  I did, but it was good.  He then stated that it looks and sounds like, not only do I need to heal from the trauma but I need to grieve the loss of my perfect childhood. 

As I have pondered on my session, it makes me want to cry.  We talked about my child hood, the negative rules and negative messages that I received.

I met with the Bishop yesterday between General Conference sessions.  We talked a lot about my feelings of repentance and forgiveness.  At one point I asked him "how do you know that you are a child of God?"  We talked about that step in my healing process.  He mentioned that it will come with study and time.  You don't just learn it over night.  It is a growth process.  It is a very important part of my healing. 

One question I asked is "what if you repent and you screw up again?"  After I said it, I knew it was my "all or nothing thinking".  Just like my suicidal thoughts are "everything is good, or everything is bad."  The Bishop said there is a way that Jade can teach me how to rid myself of the "all or nothing" thinking."  Again, that takes time.

I have been trying to rush this process because I have been seeing Jade for so long. 

This last week we attempted to process chapter 8.  This chapter we talked about negative rules and messages.  It was hard but I thought I finished.  However, I failed to read the last paragraph.  It says, how did these negative messages affect your relationships not only with your family but also with God.  This 1 paragraph has caused me the most turmoil of the entire chapter as I reflect on how it has affected me.  Jade also had me watch a small video on Bullying.  I have been bullied most of my life.  It makes me sad to think about.

Last night at NAMI we talked about anxiety disorder and also PTSD.  I am finding I still have some symptoms of PTSD.  I am on edge around men.  My husband is concerned about me and so he continues to ask how I am doing.  Sometimes it is a little much.  I know he is concerned and I appreciate him. 

I have been thinking a lot about repentance and forgiveness.  As I wrote, last week I had some suicidal thoughts.  I struggled in Sacrament meeting as I believe that I need to repent for my suicidal thoughts.  It is very hard to control my thoughts.  When the Dr's change my medications it wreaks havoc on my brain.  Last week was no exception.  The question I ask is if I repent of my suicidal thoughts and I have them again, does that mean that my first try at repentance and forgiveness are not valid?

I read that Love is a necessary precursor to forgiving ourselves.  Does that mean if I don't particularly  LOVE myself right now that I can't forgive myself?

In regards to forgiving my brother.  It still hurts and the time I have put into my healing has been hard, but it has been worth it.  I don't know when I will know if and when I have forgiven my brother for what he did.