Tomorrow is Therapy day.  I have to admit, I have been isolating myself this week from my therapist because I can't help but feel like I am annoying.  He has never said that I was, but when I get into my emotional mind, it is tough turning back.  I sent him some pretty intense texts earlier this week that I felt stupid sending, after I sent them.  My homework this week has been to look at the negative messages and rules that I had placed on me as a child and see how they have affected my relationships.    How has the negative rules/messages affected my relationships?  I have to ask myself.

In my marriage, I married the first man that ever took notice of me.  He is a kind man, he has never physically hurt me.  He has some issues of his own, but in the end, I do love him.  He kind of grows on you!!!

I have distanced myself from many of my friends because of the shame that I carry.  I distanced myself from friends so many years ago that even as a teen I did not have many friends.  Even the friends I had, talked negative about me behind my back.  Most days when I got home from school I would go into my bedroom and sleep.  Weekends, I spent by myself.  I only attended 1 dance in all my high school years.  Even then, the boys in my Ward mocked me.  That hurt worse than spending money to go. 

In my relationship with my parents.  I am still trying to please them, every chance that I can get.  I know that they love me, and I know how hard they are trying.  I am trying very hard too.  And you know, since telling them about my abuse, it has been a little bit easier to talk with them.  My Mom still wants to put it under the carpet.  My Dad wants to be more understanding. 

In my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  It has affected me the most as everyone says that he is there to talk too.  Some tell him everything about them.  Some ask for blessings.  Don't get me wrong, I do ask from safety, but that is pretty much what I ask for.  I have heard that some people just pray for the things they are grateful for.  I am grateful for all of the many blessings that Heavenly Father has given me.  He has blessed me more than I could ever comprehend.  There are times where I am in awe of what he has given me.  He has given me more than I feel I am worth.