Sometimes I feel like I am such a pain to my family, my therapist, my friends, etc.  You get the picture, I just feel like a pain to everyone.  This is one of those moments that I feel like that.  Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be turning 44.  Everyday after 42 is an adventure for my family scenes how my siblings both died at 42.  I have had a memory that has been bugging me about my Birthday.  I remember when I was probably 10 years old my parents asked me what I wanted for my Birthday.  My parents laugh about it now, but when asked what I wanted for my birthday I told them I wanted a homemade birthday cake from my Mom and a "spanking" from my Dad.  Now that I look back on that I see that the abuse was occurring in my home and this was the only way I knew to get attention.  The sad thing is that it has been a family joke for all these years.  For over 30 years I am reminded of this every year.  I even remember what I got that year for my birthday.  I got a kit that I could make pom poms, a navy blue hoody that my mom sewed a rainbow on it, and a stuffed snoopy dog holding woodstock.  I loved my gifts.  I remember not wanting to be a pain to my family even then.  Ruffling feathers was never good in our home, you basically did what was asked of you, when you are asked, and there was nothing left to discuss. 

Now that I am older, and I am starting to heal from my abusive past, I have to look for the good things because I am tired of listing all of the bad.  I remember that Birthdays were the only time you got a round 2 layer cake.  Mom always made your favorite kind.  Mine of course was chocolate.  It hardly ever came from a box.  My Birthday's always coincided with UEA, a school holiday.  Oh, how I loved not having to go to school on my Birthday.  I love October because I love playing in the leaves.  Dad was hardly home and so if he was home that made it even more special.  He never seemed to get angry on your Birthday's, and if you were only expecting a spanking then him being nice was over the top right?!