So, I didn't do my therapy homework last week, which made for a very interesting therapy session.  I was sorry that I did not do my homework and I didn't want to waste the therapists time, but I had my session anyway.  We talked about my experience with bullying, I wouldn't go into details.  I was afraid that Jade would not accept my thoughts or that he would laugh at me.  I know that I need to trust him, but this one memory is very humiliating, it is painful to keep reliving.

The homework that I avoided last week was identifying my emotions.  Saturday after my session I felt sadness.  I longed for what a normal kid goes thru.  I know that some kids get bullied, but I was bullied at home and at school, and at church.  There was no where for me to go where I was not bullied.  I am pretty lucky that I turned out the way I did and I am very blessed to have awesome friends in my later years. 

Yesterday, my primary emotion was humility.  I attended the Addiction Recovery group last night and was completely humbled as I listened to 2 young men relate their addiction to alcohol, how both of them ended up living on the streets.  I have been pretty blessed to always have a home to live in.  In the book it talks about how we have to hit "rock bottom" in order to realize where we have to go.  In my sharing, I shared that the Lord helped me to hit "rock bottom".  I had a dear woman come up to me after and asked what I meant.  I told her of my experience with my first flashback.  She had a totally different perspective than I did.  She stated that Heavenly Father must have loved both my brother and I for my brother to be able to pass thru the veil and ask for forgiveness.  She also stated that Heavenly Father must have really trusted me to show me such immense emotion.  I had never thought of it like that.

Today, in identifying my emotion I am feeling a lot of Shame.  I think that Shame is one of the most painful emotions for me.  I live with shame a lot.  The dictionary has 2 definitions for Shame the noun definition is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.  The verb definition is to make someone feel ashamed.  I looked up the definition for ashamed.  Ashamed is an adjective that states "reluctant to do something through fear of embarrassment or humiliation."  There are times thru this were I feel shame while attending therapy.  I am not going to lie, I think I feel it almost every week.  Shame is honestly killing me because basically I am ashamed to be alive some days.  Sadly, today is one of those days, I am just in a funk and cannot get out.