General Conference weekend.  The day that I have been waiting for.  Am I mentally prepared?  I don't think so.  I truthfully am a mess of emotion.  I have been crying for the last 3 days pretty much and conference has not even started.

As I indicated in my last post.  I need to go to a different therapist.  I went to my session yesterday to hear his options.  I am not going to post my options or what I chose yet.  OK here is where you realize this is my space...  I still struggle to pray for me.  I'd by lying if I didn't tell you that I struggle to pray period.  Well, this is a huge decision for me but yet, the decision has to be made.  When I first heard my options I thought really? that's it.  In my head I was thinking, you said I had options, damn it give me my options.  I sometimes feel this is still so much between me and my Heavenly Father.  Again, I have tried to do everything I am supposed to do, everything I have been asked I have done.  It says in the scriptures "I the Lord am BOUND when ye do what I say."  He has to bless me, so now what?  I walk away from therapy, go tell my story to someone else?  I am so afraid for me and for my family.  I need this experience (if I have to have it) to strengthen me because I promise, if I go, I will lose generations so I know I need the strength to do this, for me and for my daughters.  So, I have made a decision.  I am terrified.  What if it's not the right decision?  Then the next thought-pray about it.  Then all the fears of , am I worthy, will he answer, will I feel the answer? 

As I go thru this, I am reminded over and over about the last time I made a huge decision and did not consult the Lord.  When a young girl asked if she could have the mission discussions in my home, and I let my heart speedily answer yes.  I think about that decision every day.  If I would have asked, would he have told me "no" that it wasn't time for her to have those discussions?  Well, it didn't matter because I didn't give him the option.  I am still living with the consequences of that decision. 

So often, I go thru my day "numb" to my feelings.  So, going back to my decision, if I pray about this decision, will he answer?  What if it doesn't matter what I decide?  Am I honestly going to know that I made the right decision, or am I "numb"?  What if in my heart I already know what I want and the Lord tells me "no" and I do it anyway?  If I do it anyway, am I risking a bad experience like the one I had with the young girl and the mission discussions?  I hate that it even matters to me.  That I rely so much on my Gospel principles.  Many in the world would look at this blog and say "enough already" or "are you kidding, what does it matter?" 

My first flashback was an answer to my prayer.  There is no denying that.  Which means that there is something that I am supposed to learn from this.  I also truly believe that if I have to go thru this, then the only way that I am going to make it is if I let the Lord guide me.  He is the only way that can truly take all this hurt away.  He is the only one that can heal my heart.  He can strengthen me so I can come out on top of all of this so when I do finally meet him, I will know him.  That is so important to me  is to truly know my Heavenly Father and the Savior.  I need my heart to know him so when I do finally meet the Savior, I won't need to see the prints in his hands, but that if he walked past me in a crowded room my heart will take me to him because I will know him. 

This is the hardest thing I have EVER done.  I have knelt in my own Gethsemane, I am still there.  I have felt pain beyond my comprehension, my pain, the pain for my brother, for his posterity, for my posterity, I still feel the pain.  But, if history holds true.  After Gethsemane, there was the cross, but then there was that Glorious Easter morning.  When the Savior conquered it, he conquered it all!  I hope that I will have my own "Easter morning" in this lifetime (are you kidding, I'll take it tomorrow).    I need my own "Easter", and the only way I am going to get it, is by letting the Lord guide my path.

So, today is Friday.  The day I go to therapy at LDS family services.  I have so many thoughts going thru my head.  When I went to my first session at LDS I totally thought I was going to be one and done because that is how it was when I went to IHC.  I was so wrong.  I have questioned if I was supposed to go thru this faster.  After I had my first flashback I was told that I could work thru this at my speed. 

Please remember this blog is for me because I really need to get these emotions out.  Please know that I am asking a lot of questions, I am searching for answers.  OK, my memories were repressed for 30 years.  This has changed my entire existance.  I have always been one that believed that everything happened for a reason.  So, what am I supposed to be learning from this?  Honestly, last night as I stood in the shower and cried the scripture "O ye of little faith." kept coming into my head.  I know this is wrong but this is how I feel.  I know that all of us have trials.  I didn't even know this was one of my trials.  Then, when I am given the trial, I'm sorry but I guess I expected that Heavenly Father would direct me.  I cannot say honestly that I have done everything that I have been asked when it comes to therapy.  If you remember from my last session I was told to go the Temple.  I still have not done it.  Again, I was supposed to be able to do this at my speed.  I know I have a temple recommend.  I know that if you ask all of the questions I am worthy.  I don't know what I believe anymore.  I struggle to pray.  I struggle with the Sacrament.  I struggle with my role as a wife and mother.  I struggle with the Priesthood, with Eternal families.  I struggle with repentance and forgiveness.  Heavenly Father is supposed to direct my path.  If you remember the scripture "trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path."  I personally cannot believe that this is happening.  Realistically, the crap I have been given is hard enough to deal with.  I can't do it on my own.  I know that I am not strong enough to do this on my own.  I have fear, I know that I need to become stronger for my family.  I fear that my family is at a huge risk.  That I am at risk.  I know I am sitting on the fence.  I know right now I fight every day to hold onto the rod.  I know there are days where I say, "screw it." (I know that is not appropriate for a lady, I really don't care.)  I know that  I have not as Christ said "descended below" all of the trials of this life.  But, sometimes, when you are completely in the dark, I feel like I can't get any lower.

I know, 3 posts in one day.  Sorry, but like I said, this is for me, so deal with it. 

I have an amazing friend that talks me out of my tree quite a bit.  Tonight, she sat and listened and let me cry.  I probably didn't cry enough.  I told her of my situation and she asked me a very powerful question.  As I told her about my situation with my therapist, she advised me that there is nothing I can do about the situation until Friday when I actually go into session.  I am so afraid of the dark.  She gently reminded me that I am already in the dark.  It's true, it is very dark and I am terrified.  I don't want to be in the dark any more.  I am very protective of my emotions.  My session on Friday is during my lunch hour.  Which means that I will have to go back to work.  I don't particularly like to cry and then have to go back to work.  Again, being protective of my emotions, in my head, it would be easier for me to just walk away from therapy.

The powerful question that my friend asked was for me to identify my emotion.  Again, please don't be alarmed by what I am about to say.  I can't do this on my own yet.  It is obvious in my actions this week as it has been 10 days since my last session.  My life is in a "mess".  Yes, I use that word a lot but I am working every day to survive.  I would be lying if I told you I didn't think about life on the other side on a daily basis.  I understand I take the pain with me.  I understand that I would leave a lot behind, but sometimes it feels like that is the only way I can see to get thru it.  I finally come to the realization that I need to step into the dark and accept that I have to enter into therapy with both feet and as the Bishop said today he doesn't want to "rip the rug out from underneath me".  I also don't want to do this with another therapist.  I want the therapist that I have told all of my stories.  I want the therapist that I can ask him to open up the scriptures and explain to him how I interpret them and for him to know my heart and say " I understand".  Now my mind asks, if Heavenly Father had to give this to me, surely he knows the desires of my heart, can't I please have the desires of my heart?  I have done everything I have been asked to do.  I'm just not strong enough to do this on my own yet.  Then as I sit in the quiet of the night I am reminded "Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart."  If only it were that easy.

I have been asking who was supposed to protect me?  Tonight, as I thought about that powerful question from my friend to identify my emotions she then asked why I wouldn't go to my session on Friday to at least get some closure.  She asked me what I was afraid of?  I advised her that I needed to protect myself because no one else will.  I am trying to protect myself.  I am trying to protect me from my brother, my husband, my children, I am trying to protect my heart from being hurt.  I know some who read this know my parents, they did the best that they could, and I love them dearly, but they did not protect me.  They could lock out the strangers but I needed to be protected from within.  I don't want to hurt any more.  I am protecting me, from me.

I had a friend that knows my identity send me an email today and tell me that I need to keep writing.  I told her I would.  This blog is for me and so here goes, my thoughts are ugly right now.  Please forgive me if I offend but I really need to get some feelings out.  I was not able to go on my walk.  It was rainy and cold, and I was completely in my head and I don't really care.

I got a note from my therapist advising me that there was some "red tape" that we needed to discuss in my next session.  I don't do red tape.  If you remember from my prior session I was left very confused as the direction that therapy is supposed to be going.  Come to find out after some prodding I have exceeded the number of visits allowed with LDS family services.  OK, I get it.  The focus for LDS family services is really a 12 step program, it is not meant for long term.  I get it. 

Again, I apologize to anyone that reads this that may get offended but again, this is for me.  I prayed for an answer to a prayer, an answer as to what was really bothering me, why I struggled for perfection.  I prayed to know why I struggled with trust, my faith, my feelings of worthiness, etc.  All of this crap was an answer to a prayer.  So, now I have this answer to my prayer.  Heavenly Father is supposed to help me thru this.  Not abandon me.  I have been told that the Lord will compensate me.  I have said from the beginning, Please don't compensate me, just give me peace!  I really don't ask for much.  I understand my role in building up the kingdom.  All that I have, I freely give. 

It was once said that Joseph Smith when he was shown the degrees of glory said that any earthly mortal, if they could peek into the Terrestrial Kingdom, they would die to get there.  That is how much more glorious the next life is from this life.  The truth is, when I feel like maybe I can do this, I am pushed another 10 steps back.   Every day, I am having one more thing thrown at me.  As I said before, if this is the best I can do, or the best I can be, then I will take whatever degree of glory I get.  To be honest, my feelings today, even outer darkness sounds good to me.

Yes, I know that my friends who know my identity, will send me notes telling me they are worried about me.  Thank You for your love and your concern.  This too shall pass.  I am in my head, and right now, it is where I am most comfortable.  I am searching for answers.  I am searching for my path. 

Once again, my thoughts are racing and they are running away with the prize.  Part of me doesn't want to write because honestly, anyone who reads this now knows way more than they need to know about me.  But, I suck at writing on paper, it is easier to sit in front of a computer screen. 

I am at a stand still for words.  I am cautious as I think of what to write.  It truly is one of those days where I think I will keep my thoughts to myself.

Well, I made it thru another day.  I woke up this morning and did not feel like walking.  The weather was a little messy and so I took the moment to sleep in.  Probably wasn't my best choice but I did it anyway.  Again, another honest moment, but I am not very good at eating.  Yes, I am reminded daily that by not eating it is "self injury".  Today was no exception.  I never thought that I would have to deal with an eating disorder.  It's been honestly a rude awakening.  I lived with a bulimic most of my growing up and so I swore that we would never discuss weight in my home.  I have a house full of girls.  They are beautiful and that needs to be one less thing they need to worry about, so I have never owned a scale.  When I started dealing with my thyroid issues I went into my Dr and advised him that I thought that my metabolism had sped up because I could eat and then within 3 hours I would be shaky.  That is when I learned that I had my thyroid issue.  But, I didn't lose any weight with my thyroid issue.  So, then they diagnose me with hypoglycemia, low blood sugar.  OK, so I watch the sugar intake and I can totally avoid the shakes of low blood sugar.  I had some heart palpitations and so I went to the Dr, he checked my thyroid levels and then had me wear a heart monitor for 30 days to make sure that all was OK with my heart.  My thyroid numbers will always have to be on the hyper side to avoid the return of thyroid cancer and so when I found that all was good with my heart, I started really pushing the exercise.  I became hooked.  I love my walks (unless I get freaked out, and that really sucked, I am still fighting that fear!) but I can't believe the feeling that I get when I am out on my own.  Because of my exercise I have changed my pant size by 3 sizes.  But, on the other hand, if you look at my medical records, my weight has not changed in over 2 years.  It is true, ask my Dr.  So, to me, is it really an eating disorder?

My therapist advised me that I have even trained myself to not even think that I am hungry because I told him that it is very rare that my stomach growls.  He went on to some theory, but I got hung up on the fact it was "self injury".  I told him to consider it "fasting", he didn't buy that.  So, more confessions, I evidently "self injure" on a daily basis, if I skip a meal, or if I skip Sacrament, or if I pick at a scab it is considered self injury.  NICE! 

This morning, I didn't want to go for my walk, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to do anything.  I was even late for work, and guess what-I didn't care!  I was so much in my head this morning.  I get in my head a lot, pretty much daily.  I still struggle with the fact that I was not there for my little one on Friday.  I get frustrated with the fact that it was Dad that took her to the ER.  I should have been there for her.  It sucks that my role is reversed and I was left to provide for the family, when my husband was left to nurture.  Damn it, I wanted it to be me!  I have struggled for a long time with work and some of the things that I have missed out on.  I have worked close to home so I came home every 4 hours like clock work to breast feed my little ones.  When my last one was a year old my thyroid Dr became very irritated with me because my thyroid nodules were getting larger but I was still breastfeeding.  They don't do anything but wait and watch when someone is breastfeeding.  I knew she was my baby, but I was told that I needed to be done.  Again, I will never have that time back with my little ones.  I understood the risks and the Dr's were very good to allow me the time that I did have.  But, I was done.  I am so grateful that my little one still loves to snuggle.  She still loves the skin contact and will rub my arm until she is asleep.  My little one, even though she was a complete surprise to me and threw me a curve ball, she truly was a tender mercy from the Lord, and my life is blessed to have her.  I miss her every day when I work.  I can call her and she can always make me smile.  Realistically, my husband doesn't realize the blessing he has been given by being allowed to stay home and enjoy those moments with all of our little girls.  What I wouldn't give to just have one day. 

As I mentioned yesterday, General Conference is coming up and I would be lying if I didn't say I was nervous.  October conference was so hard for me.  I had just started into therapy, had the flashbacks and just started with EMDR.  Every talk I could find something that I wasn't doing right.  Every talk I could find something that I needed to do to be better.  I still struggle on a daily basis for feelings of worthiness and my own self worth.  I still struggle on a daily basis to know that the path I am going on is the right one for me.  And I still struggle every day with the perfection so as to not need to repent.  I know, we are supposed to repent on a daily basis, but when you work so hard to be perfect, then you fall short, and then don't feel worthy to approach your Heavenly Father, it is a very vicious cycle.  One thing they stress in therapy is to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.  If I don't like the way I am living and this is my best, then that must suck for me.  My poor friend tried to reach out to me all day to get me out of my head and I isolated bad.  Her last note to me told me that she was not going to force me out of isolation.  WOW, I didn't even realize that is what I was doing. 

I'm sorry, but I am just going to rave for a minute.  I hate that I had to have these memories unfold.  I hate that I feel bad for my brother, I hate that I have compassion for my brother and for his family.  I hate that I cannot confront him.  I hate that his son reminds me so much of him that I have a hidden resentment towards him.  I hate that my parents excused his actions, even to the day that he died, and continue to excuse them.  I hate that my parents were so stressed with trying to deal with the challenges of my older siblings that the younger ones were pushed aside.  I hate that I can look at my life and see how much was formed from abuse.  I hate that it even happened, that I didn't stop it, that I accepted it as "normal" because it was "normal" for me.  I hate that when I couldn't stop it, that no one stopped it for me.  How could it have been acceptable for so long?  How, could no one have seen it?  Can I just ask, who was supposed to protect me?  If Heavenly Father couldn't take away my brother's agency, is this a punishment for not listening to the Holy Ghost?  Am I the only one the Holy Ghost tried to warn?  Did he warn my parents?  I remember my Dad telling me that he wrestled with Satan when my sister lost her virtue.  So, what when his own son took mine was there nothing? Last but not least, I hate that as I sit here and cry one more time, that the memories that I have recalled cause my whole body to ache.  That the memories are now out in the open and that I want to crawl inside myself every time I think of them. 

I have a confession!  This weekend has been one of those weekends that I feel weak.  I totally want to crawl into a hole and never come out.  But, I don't really have a choice, so I pull myself out of bed and go thru the motions.  I know if you read my post from yesterday you would think that  I have the world going for me.  But, as I have said every week, Sunday's are hard days for me.  Is it bad that I hate Sundays?  To be honest, the thought of General Conference coming up makes we want to crawl deeper into the hole! 

I am working so hard to change my life.  Every aspect of my life needs some sort of change.  I am so overwhelmed with the changes.  Today is one of those days where I feel like I just can't do it. 

On Friday, my little one fell and cut open her chin.  She needed stitches.  Where was her MOM?  Not with her in the emergency room.  The Mom was at work.  When my baby needed me the most, I was not there.  Nominate me for Mother of the Year!!!

Forward ahead to Saturday.  I had an amazing walk.  Saturday night General Young Women's session!  It was awesome to be there with my new little Beehive.  I sat there and cried, the entire session.  My daughter even went to the restroom to get me tissue because I couldn't stop crying.  I thought of my last therapy session.  Discussion on the temple.  I thought about what it really was that I was afraid of when attending the Temple.  It all comes down to feeling worthy!  My therapist keeps bringing up the feeling of shame.  Every week, I quickly change the subject.  At my last session, my therapist asked what I had done that day that would not make me worthy to be in the temple.  I admit, I have said a word or two.  He laughed and said that if everyone that swore wasn't worthy to go to the temple, no one would be there.  OK, I get it, but it goes so much deeper than that.  Now is the point in the blog where I ask those that know of my identity to not judge.  If I don't feel worthy to go to the Temple, what makes you think I feel worthy to pray?  How do you pray to have the spirit with you, when you don't even feel worthy to have his spirit?  It is so much easier to pray for others than it is to pray for myself.  We are taught in the scriptures that the "spirit cannot dwell in any unclean thing."  What does that mean for me?

I have been doing more reading on borderline personality.  My thoughts race when I think of it.  Because, if I have borderline personality, then the odds are highly likely that I was abused.  It's not going to go away.   In a prior post I mentioned that I have to either step in or step out.  Today is one of those days where I just don't know if I can do it. 

I went on my long walk to the Temple this morning.  The weather was beautiful.  I reflected on my talk last night with my friend.  This friend has been with me thru the best and the worst of things.  She is absolutely my sister.  I was blessed to work with her for many years in church callings and she is amazing and my life has been blessed to have her in it.  She and I have a deal that we will tell each other anything, even if we don't want to because our friendship-sisterhood- is that important.  Well, when I first started on this journey, I will admit, I didn't want anyone to know, even my best friend, my sister.  One night, she totally let me have it.  And you know what-I DESERVED IT!  I knew of our deal, she had to remind me, and there are times where I still isolate from her (hello, common occurence with me!)  but Thankfully, she is very forgiving.

As I went on my walk, I was thinking about my Sunday School lesson.  I watched as the sun came over the mountain.  I saw the "popcorn popping on the apricot tree", and the smells, the smell of the river running down the hill, the blossoms, the wind.  (Thankfully the wind didn't smell like the Great Salt Lake!)  But, I received a testimony that there is a Heavenly Father that created all of this.  There was no doubt.  Now, I am not saying that I gained a testimony that I am Daughter of God, I am still working on that, but he definitely created this earth. 

As I thought about my lesson 2 Nephi 31-33.  If you read only the chapter headings you won't find a whole lot of magic in the words.  I am blessed to be able to teach teenagers.  I may be a deep thinker but when it comes to reading the scriptures, I read for me.  As I keep telling these kids, there are no wrong answers in the Book of Mormon.  Each person's answer is going to be different.  If you only look at the headings of these 3 chapters you would not know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is "it is given unto them in plainness, even as plain as word can be."  When I think of this verse, I realize that the table cloths, the centerpiece, the handouts, it is all "fluff".  If you take all of that away, the gospel is the same.  The Gospel is Simple!  We are the ones that complicate it.   The Gospel is meant to be understood by everyone, the smart, knowledgeable, and the 'less' smart ones (me!).  As I thought more on the plainness of the Gospel, I was reminded of the 13 Articles of Faith-Simple, simple to understand, not to memorize but simple to understand. 

Now, one other thing I thought about was this verse 2 Nephi 31:20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a  love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

Those who know of my identity, know that I truly do love the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  It is simple even for one like me.  The spirit has borne witness to me of its truthfulness.  As I wrote in a prior post, before I was reminded of the trial of my abuse, I thought that I was strong in the Gospel.  I knew where I stood when it comes to my faith.  I have said that a couple of times and I joke because I knew that if the Lord would have called to me to walk on water and come to him, I would have gotten out of the boat, but my knowledge was that I would have sunk but Christ would have saved me before I drowned.  My friend and I laugh because her comment was "at least you would have gotten out of the boat".  To me, that was "enough".  My faith was good "enough",  & strong "enough".  I thought about the above scripture and the hymn that goes with it "Press forward Saints with a STEADFAST FAITH in Christ."  I learned on my walk today that my faith was not "enough".  It still isn't.  I thought how could my faith, one who was so sure, not be enough.  I don't want to be arrogant, but there are many that die with the faith that I had, and it was enough.  Why wasn't it enough for me? 

As I questioned that in my mind I stopped and looked into the hills above the Temple.  There in my plain sight were 5 of the most amazing creatures I have ever seen.  5 deer, looking straight at me.  You may think that "hello, you were in the mountains, there are deer all over".  I on the other hand have walked that trail every week for months, my friends have even commented that they have not seen many deer in the area.  But, those deer were a tender mercy for me.  Those deer were close enough that I could see their eyes.  Those deer were a testimony to me that yes, Heavenly Father did create this Earth, and that he is truly the God over the Heavens and the Earth.  I stood and watched those deer, they knew I was there, we watched each other, and then I was able to watch them run into the trees.  Watching deer run is breathtaking for me. 

If you learn nothing else from me and from my experiences I want you to know one thing.  Wherever you stand with your faith, please know that it is not "enough".  I tell you this because I truly did believe that my faith was "enough".  But, what happened was the Earth (my foundation) started to shake.  I got scared, I still am scared, but I was shaken.  That is actually what scares me the most, is that I of all people was shaken.  I let go of the iron rod.  I tell you because if I can be shaken, then so can you.  I know that the day is coming when Christ will come again.  I know!  Satan knows.  Satan knows that his time is drawing to a close, when he will lose his power, and so the shaking is just going to become harder, it is going to be scary.  Please find someone that gives you strength.  Find someone that can help you hold on, when you can't, but strengthen yourself, strengthen your family.  Again, if my faith was not enough then I promise, neither is yours!  We are in enemy territory.  We have been told this by the Prophet, and many prophets before.  We cannot take this warning lightly.  I did, because I was so sure I knew where I stood.  Please dig in your heels.  Remember the Gospel is plain, it is simple, so that all of us can understand it.

As I said yesterday, I have a lot of thinking to do.  I finally found a way that I dared wear my workout clothes in public again because it is getting too warm for a sweatshirt.  I wear a t shirt over my clothes, then I don't feel so exposed.  The temperature was perfect this morning and I did go walking.  I had a hard time feeling a rhythm in my walk.  It could be the Benadryl I took last night so I could sleep, or it could be that again, I did a lot of thinking.  I was a little freaked out being by myself again in the dark morning but I had my music to calm my nerves. 

It wasn't until I almost got home that I really started thinking.  I thought of a statement my friend said to me last night.  She said that right now I have one foot in the door, and the other is outside.  I need to decide if I am going to step in, or step out.  What this means to me is this- am I going to step in to the fact that I have borderline personality, that I was abused, and that I am going to walk thru the door of therapy; or am I going to step out and close the door; I will still have borderline personality, I will still have the question of being abused, and I will eventually have to reopen the door to therapy.  As I thought about if I believe that the abuse happened or not I remembered being with my brother's high school sweetheart.  She is an amazing woman and one that I dearly love.  I didn't even tell this woman that I was abused but as we talked, she opened up to me that there was a time that my brother had attempted to rape her.  She didn't know at all of the memories that I had.  I did start to cry and when she told me how he approached her, I was shocked.  He turned it into a game.  He wanted to play kissing tag.  Another freaking game!  The memories that I have of my brother and the rape that occurred with me was tied in to a game.  This morning on my walk as I contemplated the thoughts that were running thru my head I remembered this talk with my friend, my brothers girl friend.  Do I believe that my brother did that to her?  Absolutely!  So, now I question, if I believe her, then why don't I believe myself?

It all comes down to one thing, one word, that magical, all powerful word of TRUST!  Well, that really sucks!  Do I step in the door with both feet?  I'm not going to lie, it's a terrifying thought.  Both feet means that the abuse happened. Both feet means that I do have borderline personality, that it's never going away and that I have to learn to manage it. 

One distorted thinking pattern that I am learning about is "mind reading".  As I mentioned last week, my therapy session actually keeps going in my head after I leave my therapist.  As I thought about my last session, remember I put on my blog that I was defensive and that there was a wall that I put up.  One of the comments that my therapist stated was that I needed to let people in.  Again, mind reading is a distorted thought process but where was the wall-between me and my therapist- ironic that he didn't mention that I needed to let him in.  Huh, is that what he was trying to tell me?  I am still confused.  I don't have any answers, so yes I still have one foot in and one foot out.  Either way I go, it is going to be painful but one lesson that I am starting to learn very clearly is there is a difference between pain and suffering.  If I walk out the door I am going to suffer.  If I step in, it might hurt, but as I get further from the door hopefully the pain will be less intense and hopefully if I step even further maybe there is a prettier pathway.  Dang it, I have got to go in and shut the door behind me. 

I met with my EMDR therapist yesterday and advised him of the comment from my individual therapist in regards to EMDR not working with people with borderline personality.  He indicated that he questioned if EMDR was working for me.  (Hello, doesn't anyone want to clue me in, or do we just throw me under the bus and hope I come out on the other side?)  We talked more about the borderline personality diagnosis.  I understand completely that I have borderline personality traits.  I get it!  But, there are some traits of one with borderline that I don't like.  Borderlines tend to like drama and make up stories to get drama.  Personally, I hate that my life is filled with drama.  I hate that it is all around me.  So, then the question  I have in my mind is this-did I create this drama?  Did my brother repeatedly molest me, or did I make it up? 

Borderlines also struggle with relationships.  I get that I have some problems with some relationships.  The question that I have going thru my head, is how much of the crap that I am dealing with in my relationships is mine, and how much of it is theirs?  Is it all me?  The last thing that I would ever want to do is become a burden for anyone.  When you think of a burden, I think of being weighed down by something, or someone.  Everyone in this world has their own crap to deal with.  They truly don't need one more thing to weigh them down.

I have a lot of things to think about. 

"This might hurt to hear but sometimes EMDR stops working for people with borderline personality".  Wow, where did that come from?  Well, that was not on my agenda for yesterday's therapy session.  I didn't go in with a written agenda but I had an agenda in my head.  We were going to talk about my last letter to myself, and then we were going to talk about the Temple.  There you have it, my mental agenda.  Well, I was so wrong.  It was a weird session from the start because quite often we have small talk, yesterday, not so much.  There was no wasting time.  He asked how my weekend was and then went right to his cell phone to discuss the texts that I sent him that weekend.  OK, we can do that.  We talked about the texts and then he went right in to the above statement about EMDR and borderline personality.  It was almost like, I am going to slip this in right here and then we will move on to something else.  It was probably more me than it was him because remember I had an agenda.  Borderline was not on my agenda.

I was pretty defensive thru my entire session.  I knew there was a wall built up.  I could feel it.  I did it to myself and I don't know why but it was there.  My therapist then told me that I don't let anyone in.  OK, again, not on my agenda but what do you mean by that?  Basically, he reminded me that I needed to let my husband in, that he is trying to understand, and that I need to teach him to understand me.  He then told me I need to let the Bishop in.  Excuse me, the Bishop knows everything, what do you mean by that?  I need to learn how to take his counsel and advice.  OK, what do you mean by that?  I need to go to the Temple.  First of all, YEA!  we finally got to something on my agenda, that is something that I can work with.  Well, he told me that yes, I can get up and walk out on a session if I need to.  I told him that was not something that I was going to do.  The Bishop said I could start out small.  So, we come to an agreement that I will go and do initiatory.  OH, but the therapist wants me to go NOW.  How about tonight? What, are you kidding me?  Don't rush me.

I then made him open up the scriptures and I taught him how I think.  I needed to explain my thinking.  I taught him my lesson from Sunday.  "Yea, wo be unto him that saith: We have received, and we need no more!"  Before I had this trial, I thought that I needed no more.  I was so sure of the Gospel.  I was so sure of myself.  "And in fine, wo unto all those who tremble, and are angry because of the truth of God! For behold, he that is built upon the rock receiveth it with gladness; and he that is built upon a sandy foundation trembleth lest he shall fall."  If I relate this to me, I have not received this trial with gladness and quite honestly I am worried about falling. We talked about the Iron Rod and the Mists of Darkness.  They overcame everyone.  Some when the mists of darkness became too much, they let go of the rod.  Well, I can tell you that I have let go of the rod at times.  Thankfully, I have amazing people that help me by taking my hand and holding it on to the rod until I am ready to hold on by myself.

I don't know what my future holds for me.  I am working hard to figure it out.  Some days I do well, and others I fail miserably. 

Why, why do I have to do this?  As I was showering this morning I thought of my job interview and I thought I was going to be sick.  I thought of all of the crap that I am dealing with.  On one hand I think that my life will be so different if I can just get out of my current job.  On the other hand I just wish I didn't have to work.  I have said this before but it is so not fair that I can't take the time to work thru the post traumatic stress and the abuse.  There are days that I so wish I could just stay in bed.  I wouldn't sleep because I just don't sleep very much, but so many times my body hurts, my head hurts, and there are times where I just want to be by myself. 

I often ask, "what am I supposed to be learning"?  Damn it, what is it that Heavenly Father wants of me?  Are these his expectations, or are they mine?  "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."  I can't tell you how many times that scripture runs thru my head on a daily basis.  Trust- it really is a powerful word, and something that I don't know how to do.  Because if I Trust, then I give up control, and for me that is hard.  So hard.  I don't even know how it feels to trust any more.  This is not new for me.  I have not trusted in years.  I am learning that it is common when trust has been violated by abuse.  But, remember I didn't even know that this existed until last August.  So, is that an excuse, an excuse for me not trusting?

Those who knew me before, including myself, knew how amazing I was.  There are days where I want the old me back.  I want the one that was so sure of the Gospel, the one that was so sure in raising my daughters, the one that did it all.  I have so many times thought back to who I was, my Faith was not perfect but it was enough.  As I have dealt with this trial, I have questioned why Heavenly Father would give this to me.  Not that he gave me the abuse, but he gave me back the memories.  To be honest, I think it was risky.  This trial has knocked the wind out of my sails and has taken me 10 steps back.  How does he know that I am going to come out ahead on this one?  To fight every week to partake of the Sacrament, when sometimes the only thing that gets me to Sacrament is hearing "if I don't take the Sacrament it is self-injury". 

So many times I feel as Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail when he asks "O God,where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?"  Where are you?  I know that I am not the only one that asks this question but when is it enough?  Then as you read further " My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; though shalt triumph over all thy foes."  I would be OK if I didn't even triumph, I am not requesting exaltation, just peace.

I am going to be honest.  I have not been on my morning walks since my episode Thursday morning.  I can't even explain the fear that I have because I don't even understand it.  I don't know if it is the dark morning, or the fact that I go alone, or the cars bright lights but the thought terrifies me.  But, I also miss my walk.  I don't know what triggered my episode and I don't know realistically how I got out of it, I just know that it happened. 

I have a job interview tomorrow and I would be lying if I told you I was excited.  It sucks that I have to deal with work on top of all of this crap.  So much of me doesn't want to go.  I stress about getting time off work to go because with the interview and with the hours of therapy I am overwhelmed.  My daughter says I need to prioritize.  So, I asked her what is my top priority?  Her answer-Therapy, interesting, why do you feel that way?  She turns to me and says "you have to take care of yourself, and if you can't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of anything else."  It was so good to hear her say that because that means that I am teaching her right.  But, then it hits me, am I practicing what I preach?

I met with my Bishop and we talked about my resent towards the temple.  After we talked he understood completely how I could resent the temple.  He advised that I need to go to the Temple to feel of some successes.  Well, then the fear again starts boiling up inside me.  I asked, what do I do if I finally get up the courage to attend a session and I can't do it.  It's not like a bad movie where you can get up and walk out.  Every aspect of the session is important and every aspect of the Temple is a sacred experience for the one that has gone on before.  When you go thru the Temple you do the work for someone that did not have the opportunity to go before they passed away.  When you look at the names they are real people that lived 100's of years before.  They have waited for this day.  This very day when they will finally be able to go thru the Temple.  I can't just walk out.

As I said before, when I went to that Sealing ceremony for my brother it was literally all I could do.  I was emotionally drained just by actually being there.  It was a tender mercy of the Lord that I walked out of the sealing room on my own and that those two sisters sent me down a long hall because I was able to be by myself.  I was able to cry and I was able to communicate with my Heavenly Father for strength when I had none.

Thankfully, the Bishop gave me some other ideas.  Things to start out small and work my way up to an endowment session.  It's going to take some time and this is when my patience really shines because you will find that I have none. 

Yesterday was my individual therapy session.  If you look back over the last week I had a lot of things to discuss, and only 45 minutes in which to do it.  My therapist is a strong member of the LDS church and is quite knowledgeable about the gospel.  As you read my story you will know that my LDS faith is very much a part of my life.  It was important to me that if I was going to go to a therapist I needed someone that I could talk with about the Gospel.  I remember the day I called LDS family services to schedule my first appointment.  I think I actually dialed the number 3 times and hung up twice.  The third time I had enough courage to stay on the line.  The sweet woman on the phone asked about my situation.  I had told her that my Bishop had asked me to come in and talk to a therapist about some problems that I was having with "perfection".  I told her a little more about my situation, keep in mind it wasn't until after I started therapy that I learned of my abuse, so she didn't have much to go off of.  She put me on hold.  She came back on the phone and asked me a little more about myself.  And, then she put me on hold again.  When she came back on the line she indicated that they like to find therapists that work with my situation.  Now, to be honest with you, I personally think that she put me on hold to pray, and the second time was to listen for that answer.  The reason why I say that is because 1 Heavenly Father knew how stubborn I was and that I was going to need a lot of help, and 2 because he has truly been guiding my path every step of the way and I know that he lead me to Jade thru that 1 phone call.

In yesterday's session we talked about my new calling as Sunday School teacher, talked about the youth and the importance of reading The Book of Mormon, but I still had questions.  Questions that I wanted someone to answer.  Questions of the next life, repentance, forgiveness, and Celestial glory.  I asked about heartache in the next life.  The reason for my question is I am still trying to understand Eternal families.  I wanted to know what happens when my parents get to the other side and their son is not there to meet him.  What about my parents heart ache?  I still have that vivid memory in my head as my father melted in the arms of our Bishop when he asked the Bishop to stay with us as a family when we released my sister from her body.  I saw heart ache, deep heart ache, it is hard to understand until you see it for yourself.  To be honest, I don't want to see it again.  I said to Jade that in Celestial glory there should be no heart ache.  But, then he reminded me of our Heavenly Father, the greatest Celestial being, has heart ache, but when we have that Eternal Perspective, hopefully my parents will realize that it was the use of my brother's agency that determined his destiny.

I talked with him about my issue on Thursday when I freaked out and became uncomfortable with myself.  We talked about shame.  He has some amazing philosophy on shame and he does share quite a bit about it in his book "Healing Secrets".  And, I probably can't do this justice but when we do pass on and meet our maker we will be faced with "judgement".  We will have to answer for our thoughts, deeds, and actions.  If we are confident, without shame, we will stand before our maker and say I did the best that I could and he will know in our hearts that we did.  But, if we have shame, we will question if we did do the best that we could, and then we will allow Satan to fill our souls with doubt.  I asked him if he ever felt shame, he said "yes" like when he doesn't repent daily, or if he doesn't read his scriptures more intently.  The difference between his shame and my shame is mine is internalized.

We then started to talk about the Temple.  I am learning that my therapy session actually starts after I leave therapy.  At one point in my session he asked if I resented the Temple.  No, are you kidding, how could anyone resent the Temple?  That is what my head was saying.  But last night as I was driving home and saw the Bountiful Temple, I thought of that question again.  I thought about the years of service that my parents have provided at the Temple or on Temple square.  I thought about the abuse that occurred in my home while my parents were gone to the Temple.  I swear to you, as a young girl that was abused repeatedly when her parents went to the Temple, those Endowment sessions are long.  I was prepared for Friday nights when they were gone to the Temple, but if they ever went on a Saturday session it was another opportunity for my brother to manipulate me, another opportunity for him to abuse me.  Dang it, why can't I answer my therapist question with my head and tell him "no" I don't resent the temple?  Why does my heart always have to be the one to answer in the end?  Because "yes" I do resent the Temple.  There I said it!  I was abused while my parents were serving in the Temple, the purpose of the Temple is to seal families but yet, if your family doesn't remain worthy then who defines Eternal families? 

Yesterday was EMDR.  I processed thru my latest flashback.  I also learned something new.  At one point in my session I saw the changes that happened in my life once my brother left for his mission.  It wasn't long enough, 2 years wasn't long enough for me.  When he left I was terribly lost, in my own little world.  I didn't have many friends because the last thing I wanted to do was to be noticed.  I didn't know who I was.  After he left I was able to start to grow.  I will never forget sitting in that Seminary room when I learned for myself the Prophet Joseph Smith saw our Heavenly Father and our brother Jesus Christ.  That feeling is still so powerful inside me that I cannot deny that it happened.  The Lord truly did bless me.  My sophomore year I tried to continue French.  I couldn't do it, and really, I didn't want to do it, so when the teacher kicked me out and invited me to the counselor's office I went and found that girl's choir was open.  OK, I can sing so I will go in and have the teacher sign me in.  Well, that was not enough for the teacher.  She made me sight read and sing a solo in front of the class.  I wanted to die, but I did it, and she accepted me in the class.  Choir was a great experience for me to grow.  My Junior year I tried out and made the highest group that a Junior girl could sing in.  It was an honor to be with those amazing girls.  I started to realize that I could do hard things, still I was shy, but I started to open.  Then came the day that I saw in my session yesterday.  The day my brother returned from his mission. 

I was sitting in 4th period.  I was wearing my khaki's and my melon colored long sleeve shirt.  It was English.  My Mom came to the door.  I was working on a project and didn't see her.  A boy in my ward was sitting like 2 rows over and said "hey, your Mom is at the door."  I went out to the hall to see what she wanted because my mom never came to the school for me.  That is when she advised me that she needed me to go with her to pick up my brother from the airport.  It was just her and I.  All I could think of in my session was I was not ready for him to come home yet.  There was so much more for me to do, to learn, and to explore.  That night I wanted to go to a football game.  I was torn because I should want to stay home and be with him but I wanted to go to the game.  I finally said that I was going to the game.  He wants to go with me.  I remember fighting my parents but "he's my brother", I haven't seen him in 2 years, what kind of sister am I to not want to be with my brother.  So, I finally gave in he came with me and hung all over me.  I didn't date at all in High School.  After my brother came home from his mission he went everywhere with me.  Now that I look back I wonder if the boys perceived my brother to be my boyfriend.  I don't want to even write this, and those who know of my indentity please don't judge.  But, it just hit me that at one point I thought it was cool for them to have that perception.  I felt special (in my own sick way).  There was not one other girl in my whole school that was getting the gifts that I was getting. 

In DBT or group therapy we talk about our Emotional mind.  I don't know a lot about it except that I am there an awful lot and when you are in your Emotional mind your emotions are the ones that take over and make your decisions for you.  So, it's best to not be in your emotional mind. 

With repressed memories, however, there are emotions that I am feeling for the first time.  Emotions that I should have felt 30 years ago but didn't allow myself to feel.  Questions that I should have asked 30 years ago, but didn't. 

This morning I went for my walk.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to go back to bed, but I went.  I wish I could say it was a good experience. I am going to be honest, in therapy I have learned that I "dissociate", what this means in a nutshell is that you do what you do but you aren't really there.  For example, a form of "dissociation" is day dreaming.  Or you get somewhere and you have no idea what it took for you to get there.  Well, that was me this morning.  I listened to my music and I zoned out.  I wasn't in my "work out zone", no I was completely in a "different zone".  To be honest, I don't even know what "zone" I was in.  At one point on my walk I got very warm and so I took off my sweatshirt.  Now anyone who knows me knows that I love my body (not) and my work out clothes are meant for workout and so they are to put it nicely, Spandex.  I hate Spandex!  I could hide my body under my sweatshirt, but all of a sudden that security was gone.  Now picture this, it is 6:30 in the morning, it is pitch black, no one actually knows it is me under this Spandex but all of a sudden I became very uncomfortable in my own skin!  It became an awful situation for me.  Because, not only was I "dissociating" but I became very "hypervigilant" or cautious of my surroundings, like to an extreme.  I did not feel safe in my state of mind and that caused me to "regress", basically I became a scared child that was freaking out.  It was not good and I am still trying to mentally get out of the situation.

To know how bad it was I will tell you this.  I got home from my walk, got in the shower, and put my jammies back on.  I tried to write on this blog and I could not do it.  Mentally, there were no words.  My thoughts are still very "choppy" which really sucks on a day that I have EMDR because I really don't want to go there.  I think the thoughts of having another session like I had last week with EMDR terrifies me.  Can I feel sick all of a sudden so I don't have to go?  OK, so do you see the little girl still coming out (I don't think I have shared with the cyber world today that I have that love/hate relationship with my therapist but I have said some words in my head to him :)  If he reads this, he would be so proud!)?  Do you know what I really wanted to do this morning?  I wanted to be irresponsible and stay home from work, go back to bed, sleep for at least 24 hours, have Burger King for breakfast, and eat chocolate.  Do you know what I did?  I watched a meditation video on You Tube to try and get myself back to my current age because I didn't know what else to do.  It truly was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever had.  I am really struggling with my inner child right now and the thoughts that I have towards her are not becoming of a woman.  But, anyway, I did not have Burger King, although I still wish I did but I had Raisin Bran instead, and have not had any chocolate yet.  So, the ADULT in me made some very wise decisions!  I can't guarantee I won't have chocolate by the end of the day but at least I had my 2 scoops of Raisins!

My two letters to myself are below...

Dear Child,**my 41 year old self to my 11 year old self**

I have learned so much about you, but yet I feel like I hardly know you. 

A few nights ago, I held my 11 year old daughter on my bed as she put her arms around me and apologized for some hard things that she had said to me.  I wondered what I would say to myself as an 11 year old child.  I thought that I would want my 11 yr old daughter to be able to tell me anything.  But when I think of the memories and the pain that you have had, I tell you to stop.  I tell you that I have heard enough. 

They say as a parent you should always take your children serious if they say they have been touched inappropriately.  But I struggle to take you serious.  How could that possibly happen in my home?  How could it happen when your parents were at the Temple, serving the Lord?  I thought that when you went to the Temple your family was protected.  I was always told that if you went to the Temple you would find everything well when you returned. 

I wish I could tell you that I am here for you, that I am listening, and that I care.  Child, it seems like you are trying to tell me so much.  There are times when I am completely overwhelmed with the emotions.  I feel your pain.  I feel your fear, your frustrations, and your loss.  I wish I had the answers to all of your questions, and I wish I knew where to tell you to find the answers.  I am trying to understand just as much as you are.  I know that none of this makes sense.

Child, the pain that you feel is not going to go away over night.  You need to know that you did nothing wrong.  You trusted your brother to protect you and to love you as a brother should.  Your brother did not know how to be the kind of brother that you deserved. 

Child, even though your brother here on Earth did not know how to treat you right.  You have an older brother that loves you with a pure love.  Even though your brother took so much, you can have it all back.  Because your older brother Jesus Christ  suffered in the Garden for you.  You can be made whole.  

I wish I could tell you that you don’t need to be afraid but even as an adult I am afraid.  We are on this journey together.  It is not easy.  I have been told that we have survived the hard part.  No one can hurt us any more.  Every day we can become stronger.

 

Dear Adult ,

Wow, it has been over 30 years since the abuse started in your home.  You are still carrying the abuse with you.  You just didn’t know it and you don’t want to let it go.

You have ignored me for a long time.  It is as though you wish I didn’t even exist.  You have been learning of the pain that I endured but yet you close your eyes and hope it is a nightmare.  It is a nightmare that we lived.  But, you don’t even want to acknowledge it.  How do you learn and grow from it if you don’t acknowledge it?  You don’t even want to believe it happened.  How do you think that makes me feel?

Adult, you can’t blame Heavenly Father for what happened to us.  Ever since you were little you wanted to be married in the Temple.  Heavenly Father knows what happened.  He knew of our goals and he knew what it would take for us to get there.  That is why he gave us such a strong spirit.  He could not stop your brother and his friends from using their agency but he could help us to get to the Temple.  Because he wanted that for us as much as we wanted it for ourselves.

You say that you feel my fear, my pain, and my frustrations.  I remember hiding almost in plain sight, hiding from myself because of the fear and pain.  I hurt because I walked thru life almost wishing I wasn’t here.  You start to let me out and then you bury me again, again not wanting to acknowledge what happened, and not wanting to let us break free.

Your life could have been so different if you would have acknowledged the abuse when it happened.  Do you even know how to be a kid?  Because you don’t know how to be a kid, are you transferring that to your own daughters?  Don’t they deserve to know what it is like to have fun?  You go thru your memories and you have none or very little.  You have been trying so hard to let go of the past.  You have nothing to acknowledge that you even existed as a young girl.  No scrap books, no momentos, no treasures of the past.  To you they were junk but they were part of your history. 

I hate the fact that you can’t even acknowledge how amazing we are.  Nothing is ever good enough for you.  You are so afraid of what you might find in your past .  Adult, there is nothing worse than what I have told you.  It sucks.  You don’t know how to trust anyone.  You don’t know how to trust yourself so you would rather just not trust at all.  You will do it all.  How’s that working for you?

You know that you are the only one that is keeping you from the Temple.  You want to be closer to the Savior and learn more of Heavenly Father.  You are afraid of the thing that we worked for the hardest.  If you weren’t going to use your temple recommend, then why do you have one?

You have been trying for some time to figure out your needs.  I as a child needed protection, I needed trust, I needed love, I needed security.  I didn’t get any of that and because you can’t accept what has happened you are continuing to live without the trust, the love, the security, and the protection. 

You don’t even want me to feel.  I want to be mad, I want to be hurt, I want to be sad.  If you had your way I would have forgiven your brother and his friends the day after it happened, and every time it happened it was OK.  It is not that easy.  Those boys took so much and by you ignoring it, you keep giving it back to them.  Adult, they did hurt me.  I deserve to be mad.  I deserve to have the time that I need to feel the hurt and to figure out who I want to be.  You want to be done with all of this and not even give me the chance to recover.  You think that by keeping busy and trying to please everyone that it will all just go away.  It doesn’t work that way because it did happen.  I hate that you won’t let that happen for me.

Last night as I was looking over my thoughts on this blog, my 18 year old came up and stood behind me and asked whose blog I was looking at.  I told her I did not know whose it was.  She called me a liar and told me she knew.  Well, my first impression was to make my blog private.  If I am the author, I can certainly lock this at the click of a button.  That is why I started this blog.  I have my own family blog, but this blog was for me. 

If you are reading this blog, you will find that I did not lock it.  So today's post is geared to what I want my 18 year old to know about this blog.  Because, she is one that you can tell her not to read it, and she will read it anyway.  She is not devious, just very intuitive and very eager.  I thought as I was walking today about my prior posts.  Thankfully I don't think that I have posted anything that would be rated "r" and that my posts are a good "pg13" rating.  She has watched those kind of movies and so I am not concerned. 

But, what is my concern is this... My parents are good people.  Yes, there are things from my past.  Parents are not perfect, and there is not one kid that comes with an instruction manual.  Every day as a parent is trial and error.  There are things from my childhood that I wish I could change.  My childhood was hard.  An older sister with an eating disorder, sexual promiscuity, drug/alcohol addiction, you name it, she had it or did it.  An older brother that never took responsibility for anything in his life, a brother that swore, chewed tobacco, messed around with me, was into pornography, and I don't think he knew how to treat a woman even to the day he died.  Then came my 3rd sibling.  You think that the two older were hard, she came with her own set of challenges.  Learning disabilities beyond a parents comprehension.  I remember the fight that my parents had to allow her to walk across the stage at graduation.  But, they did it, and they did it out of love.  They even went to the school the next day, gave them back her diploma but made a copy of her diploma on orange paper so as not to give the impression that it was the original, and walked away with dignity and grace until she was 21 years old when she could finally get her diploma from the school district.  Then there was me!  Smack dab in the middle!  As my therapist said I was the "scapegoat" for the older and the "protector" to the younger. 

My little sister was the "strong" one.  I have been asked several times if I thought my brother ever went after her.  All I can say is "are you kidding me?"  Anyone that knows my little sister knows that you don't mess with her.  Honestly, if my brother would have touched her inappropriately, he would never be able to father children because she would have hurt him.  I predict she would have gone for "man land" first because that is the way she is!  I remember watching her as a teen and thinking "if I would have said or done that I would have had my face slapped".  She has been my "family rock" thru all of this.  She is aware of my flashbacks and understands.  I truly was blessed to have my 3 younger siblings.  My brothers are "men".  Men that love their wives and children, they are genuine.  There are times when they will begin to talk with sexual inuendos and realistically I don't think they ever realize they are doing it.  Can you believe that I grew up in a home that we could not say "terd" but we could talk about "incest" as a joke?  Even on Christmas Day I was reminded of a sexual inuendo with breasts.  I was the only one that had to get up and leave my parents home because it became it so uncomfortable.

So, daughter of mine, that I know is going to read this.  Please know that your body is a precious gift.  I know because you are a part of me.  I know how hard it was to even get you here.  Your hazel eyes, your beautiful hair, your piano playing fingers, and your amazing spirit, they are a gift.  No one can take that away from you.  You have never questioned who you are, even from the get go you had a determined spirit, and a very loving heart, one that cannot be duplicated. 

I am learning who I am.  I only ask that as you read these entries, you will keep them sacred.  I ask that you allow me to be anonymous to the other readers and to your sisters.  All of this will come out in its own time, don't make it your time.  Let it be in my time.  Remember that I am still your mother and that I "expect respect", your grandparents are amazing people and they deserve your respect as well, don't form your opinions of them based on what you read.  Go with your heart, and you will find that they are doing the best they can.  They are people just like you, you have seen their heart ache beyond what any grandchild ever should have to see.  Remember that! and PS I love you!

I had to exit this morning because as you could tell it got really rough.  To be honest, I fought the flashback all day.  I had to stay in my right mind at work.  My boss called me in to his office and asked me if I would commit to continue working for him.  I found out that the young man that he was going to hire did not take the job, and his daughter is considering going back to school and may possibly looking at another job.  Which means that he needs to know where I am.  I can't answer him and that bothers him.  I don't know what I want anymore.  There is so much to my life right now and my boss is not making it easy on me.  With the constant discussions on responsibility, accountability, and work ethic I am going to go crazy.

Tonight when I was by myself at the office I did take a moment to cry.  The things that I am uncovering and the work that I am doing is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I don't sleep well, my body hurts quite often, and to be honest, tonight if I could have run away, I would have.  My workout clothes were in the washer or I probably would have gone another 10 miles after my 3 this morning because I just needed to get away.  Instead I put on my music and thankfully I have a very dear friend that talks me out of my tree.

I called my EMDR therapist and asked him if I needed to use EMDR to process this last flashback.  I have to admit after last week's session, I am terrified and exhausted.  I have no more energy to deal with one more thing.  Last week's EMDR was so bad that it took me 3 days to recover.  I just can't do it again.

As I talked with him he gave some advice on how to process the flashback on my own and then in his humble way said that in 30 years he has never had such a unique situation as my own.  I told my friend that and she laughed and told me I should write a book.  I don't know if that is a good thing to be "unique".  Remember, I am the one that would totally sit in the woodworks and hide if I could. 

So, if I have to I need to write about this flashback.  I totally think that the work on my "inner child" is what brought this out so I have been having another one of my love/hate relationships with my therapist.  But, I must be learning something because I realize it's not him, it's all me! (yea! me!!!) 

It is not good what I did with regards to this flashback because instead of letting it be, I freaked out and closed my blog.  But, I saw in my flashback me in that blue floral sundress.  I was in the back of the school, which is just across the street from my current home.  I remember running away.  My flashback was sketchy and to be honest I don't know who I was running from.  I think it was my brother and one of his friends.  As I sit and write about my flashback my body just hurts.  My chest is tight, and there is so much in my shoulders that once I get thru this 800 mg of Ibuprofen should help.    One thing that I have learned that when I would hide, it would be in plain sight to the normal human being but in my mind no one could see me.  I literally hid by the 3rd grade doors, huddled in the corner.  (ok this is the sarchastic me*hello, do you not think that anyone could see you?  Even the stupidest stray animal could have found me!)  Of course they find me.  There is a large diesel tire as part of the obstacle course.   I go willingly to the center of the tire where no one can see us and I am pinned to the ground.  The ground is dead grass and hard dirt.  I am not stupid, I know where we go from here.  My back is killing me and I can hardly breathe.  I think that is the furthest I choose to go with this flashback.

I am going to do a 360 because I totally do need to get out of this flashback.  What am I supposed to be learning from this?  I don't ever want to minimize someone else's trials but where was my Heavenly Father all these times?  I have heard all the stories of the miracles of Faith.  Really, as I have said numerous times, Hello, our Father in Heaven can move mountains.  I have been trying to understand my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I still struggle to pray, not for others, that is easy, but for myself, that is a whole other story.  I see the love that our Savior Jesus Christ had for all of us as he suffered, but yet I don't know how it applies to me.  Last week in group therapy we talked about serving for the wrong reasons.  The truth is, it doesn't matter how we serve because the Lord knows our heart.  I still can't get a deep breath and I have cried so much that I have sores that line my nose.  It hurts to touch even the tip of my nose. 

To wind down I listen to my music.  My music testifies to me of a living Christ.  My music lifts my spirit and helps carry me thru my darkest hours.  My music tells me that I am not the only one with suffering but that there is hope.  Hope for a brighter tomorrow.  My family gets a little tired of listening to church music every day, I have even been told that it should be saved for Sunday.  But, there are days that I am living in Hell.  Sometimes, my music allows me to be at the feet of the Savior.  I only pray that when I do meet him, I won't need to see the prints in his hands and feet, I will know him, deeply know him as much as he knows me!  I can't guarantee that I will ever fully understand the Atonement.  Last October, General Conference was very hard for me.  I even texted my therapist during the session because I could not handle it.  It is pretty sad that I have to mentally prepare for Conference already but it is important to me.  But, I also pray I can prepare for Easter.

As I mentioned yesterday I have been asked for my 11 yr old self to reply back to my 41 yr old self.  This is not an easy thing to do.  I am going to be honest, the reason why this is not an easy task is because for one, I don't know how to be a kid, and two because I'm not so sure if you were to ask how my 11 yr old self feels about me I'm not so sure she would like me.

I'm lucky because for the moment, I have an 11 yr old in my home.  She turns 12 on Saturday.  The only reason why I am lucky is that it helps me understand what an 11 yr old desires and dreams.  The hard part is that I have an 11 yr old that is so much like me.  She is far more head strong than I was at her age but that is understandable considering that I didn't get a chance to be an 11 yr old.

As I think of what her emotional needs I see a girl that wants to have friends.  Her friends mean the world to her.  She is at the age that she wants to be a kid but wants to be recognized that she is growing up.  She loves to babysit and to feel needed by others.  She cares about what she wears.  She loves to talk/text on the phone,and hang out with friends.  She is not afraid to try new things, or if she is, she is not afraid to ask for a priesthood blessing to help her overcome her fear.  She works hard in school.  She has a quiet confidence as she learns to understand who she really is.

Now, I think back to my 11 yr old self.  I lived in fear a lot now that I think about it.  I was always the child that checked the locks on the doors and windows.  I never wanted to leave home and have sleep overs.  Now as an adult I know why because as I was abused I was often told that I would have to go and live with another family if anyone found out.  The last thing I wanted as a young girl was to be noticed.  I think I even hid behind my clothes.  I remember one summer that my mother bought a sun dress for me and my sister.  It had spaghetti straps.  I hardly wore that dress.  One is because I never felt modest in it, even with a shirt under it and a sweater over top, and two because a dress was easy access for my brother. (oh my hell, I need to get out of this flashback)

As I said in yesterday's post, Sundays are so hard.  I woke up yesterday and went to choir practice.  I still struggle with my voice after my thyroid surgery.  I thought I was over it, but evidently I still struggle.  I get that my voice will never be the same, and I am completely grateful that I can sing some versus none at all.  I just never had to strain to sing before my surgery and realistically, I could go back and have singing lessons but even all the training in the world would not stop the fact that there is a range that I just cannot sing.  Gosh, I have to accept a lot of things.

I came home from choir to my children nagging me from the get go.  Do you know that every Sunday it seems that my 11 yr old has to fight me for a tuna fish sandwich?  Yesterday she had to say a talk in Primary, so I got home from choir, did a batch of dishes, wrote a talk, made a batch of rolls for dinner, and she proceeds to get on me because she can't find her skirt.  She tells me "that's ok, I will find something else".  So, yea, one less fight that I have to deal with right?  Well, then it comes time for lunch and she gets made because she doesnt want a turkey sandwich so because she wants me to make a tuna sandwich for her she proceeds to tell me that I only think of myself.  (oh, ok, you are right, I am the only one in this household of 6 that did any cleaning at all this weekend, the only one that cooked the entire weekend, the only one that taught a lesson, wrote a talk, did the laundry... but you are absolutely right, I only think of myself!)  When I told her I knew what she was doing and it wasn't going to work with me today I told her it was "not my problem".  So, now not only do I only think of myself, but nothing is ever my problem.  Did I tell you that this happens EVERY SUNDAY?

So, before I can leave for church, I have to get dinner in the crockpot.  So, once again I am late for church.  I hear my therapist telling me that if I miss the sacrament then it is "self injury" so I throw on my Sunday clothes and make it to the chapel just as they close the doors to the chapel.  No biggie, I will sit out here in the foyer.  So as I sit and ponder on my life as I have been taught to do while the sacrament is being passed, I hear me questioning Heavenly Father again in my head.  "What am I supposed to be learning from this?"  "Why is this happening to me and my family?"  So, once again I am an emotional wreck, but that's normal for me and the Sacrament.  As I sit and cry this lady is sitting across from me in the foyer.  I thought I was pretty composed for the emotions that I was feeling.  I closed my eyes and pondered in my head.  She got up and walked across the foyer to sit by me.  OK, that was nice of her to give that chair to the gentleman that just got there!  Right?  No, she came over to sit by me to ask me if I was OK and if I wanted to talk about it?  Really?  The 2nd week in a row that someone has to come up to me and ask how I am doing.  I can't be the only one that sits in the Sacrament and gets emotional.  Even if you just sit and ponder on the Sacrament prayer and you really think on the purpose of the Sacrament, the Savior's sacrifice.  There has got to be more than 1 person that gets emotional.  Again, I hear my therapist say to me that they mean well and that I should take it in that context.  But, in my head, I hear myself saying "are you kidding me?  I am going to stop going to church if someone asks me again."  The thing that sucks is the therapist voice is louder than mine.

Well, I once again let my children talk me into going up to my parents.  But, again, I only think of myself.  I think that I am almost numb to the emotions of being in my parents home.  I don't go downstairs and no, I don't want to confront those emotions especially while my brother's son lives there so there is no reason for me to go downstairs. 

My therapist asked on Friday if I was ready to forgive?  As I walked past the cemetary I thought of my brother and all the hell that I have been thru and in my head I called him an "ass".  So, there you have it, I don't think I am ready to forgive.  Unless that's OK to have those feelings on the other side, but I doubt it.

But, I have to admit I have been thinking a lot on my homework assignment.  Last week my therapist had me write a letter to my 11 yr old self.  OK, I did that, it was hard but I did it because I didn't want to interfere with therapy.  Now, this week's assignment is to reply back to my 41 year old self.  Can I just be done?  I think about it and I just want to cry. 

There is so much that I have to learn from therapy.  So much that I have to accept, so much that I have to let go and change.  I just can't do it.  I can't learn it fast enough to ease my own burdens and pain.  Last night as I went to sleep, I almost wished I didn't have to wake up.  There is just too much.

It's the Sabbath.  A day that one is supposed to look forward to.  One that you can reflect on how you live your life, to renew your covenants, and to become closer to the Lord.  Then, why is it the hardest day of the week for me?  My typical Sabbath starts on Saturday, as I try to prepare my home for the Sabbath.  Which means a clean home.  Yes, I know it is once again a part of my perfection issues.  It usually is never clean enough to my satisfaction.  There is always laundry to do, food to prepare, you know where I am going with this?  A woman's work is never done, but isn't this supposed to be a day of rest?

But, to be honest, this is not the major issue.  When I first started this journey I had so many questions.  Questions that only Heavenly Father could answer.  I get so tired of hearing the typical statement "you know the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle?"  I'm sorry, I think that's CRAP!  I am a very impatient person, and I want my answers NOW.  When I leave this Earth, will the answers even matter?  As I said to my therapist, of all of the people that can take this away from me, that can ease my burdens, take away my pain completely, it would be our Heavenly Father.  I don't get it.  I have no idea why I needed to have the flashbacks.  

I go to Sacrament meeting every week.  There have been weeks where I have purposely been late for church because Sacrament meeting is the hardest for me.  I have questioned my worthiness for a long time.  Longer than August when the first flashbacks started.  I have seen the movies of Christ's suffering.  I have seen suffering, I have felt suffering and I have never wanted to be a reason for Christ's suffering.  So, that meant that I needed to be as good as I could be.  In other words "perfect".  When I couldn't do "perfect" I let my temple recommend go.  The last question the Bishop and Stake President ask when being interviewed goes along the line "do you feel worthy" to attend the temple.  I didn't, I still struggle with it.  I don't know what my definition of "worthy" is.  I don't know how to even partake of the Sacrament worthily because it is a huge commitment.  Last week as I struggled to sit thru Sacrament a sweet woman in the Ward saw how emotional it is for me.  It really was all I could do to just sit.  I didn't want to be there.  I don't understand the atonement.  When Sacrament was over, this woman leaned forward, put her arm on my shoulder and asked if I was OK?  I of course said yes but inside I knew how I was feeling.  I wasn't OK.  My heart hurts to understand what I am supposed to be learning.  The faith that I had before I started this was enough for so many.  Why is it not enough for me?  I never thought my heart would fail me when it came to my testimony.  Why now?

The thought that going thru this could help someone also makes my heart hurt.  I know how much I want this to go away for me, but if I have to learn it for someone else, that means that there is one more girl that is being abused.   Whenever I ask hard questions of my friend and she opens up to me I apologize because that means that she has been there too.  I am only one person.  I can't change the world.  Again, there is one...Boy, I have a lot to learn.  Probably the most important relationship I have to learn is the one with my Heavenly Father.  It's also the hardest for me.  He is God, Omnipotent!  Again, if anyone can take this away, it is him.  I may not be ready for Christ to come, and realistically I accept whatever degree I receive in the Eternal realm.  But, at least when Christ does come, we are promised that Satan will be bound which means that the abuse will stop.

So, I don't want to make it a habit of posting twice a day but I struggled with the concept that I hate my therapist.  So, I googled it!  And guess what, I totally get it.  When I pulled up this particular article it made perfect sense.  Some of the context of the article is below:

It’s tempting to either love someone or hate them. If you’ve got kids, you know that’s what they do: don’t do or give something they want, and its “I hate you!” Bring home a toy and you get, “Daddy! I love you!” But the truth is that mature relationships are always more complex and contradictory than simply good or bad.
It can hurt, and we really hate, hearing the very things we most need to hear for our own good. And it can be particularly tough hearing it from an authority, or someone whose opinion of you matters to you (even if you wish it didn’t). Kind of like hearing you ought to stop eating junk food or have that colonoscopy or something. But worse. The good, healthy, in our best interest stuff is sometimes the most difficult to face. Because its often about confronting a part of ourselves we don’t much care for, or wish weren’t there at all. Because we don’t want someone whose opinion we care about to see our “bad stuff”. It’s embarassing, shameful maybe. It hurts. And since no one wants to hurt, we tend to protect ourselves automatically: we disagree, we back away, we accuse the other person of not getting us or of ill intent, we get angry.
And so we feel hateful, sometimes even act hateful. We want to “kill the messenger,” lash back, leave treatment. But then we feel guilty: because we really do know – and feel – our therapist’s concern (if you’ve made a connection, she’s trying hard, and she’s any good at all at listening to and understanding you. If you don’t feel that, for the most part, she really is on your side, you ought to seek treatment elsewhere). And sometimes facing the guilt we feel about our own hateful feelings seems too much to bear. So we don’t; we convince ourselves it’s her fault. Or we bolt.
Tempting. Don’t want to hate yourself. Don’t want to face your resentment or anger toward her. Don’t want to accept that love comes packaged with bits of loathing, if you’re honest about it. Tempting, but a huge mistake. This is not the time to put up a wall, retreat, or leave! This is the time when the real work starts: when you tiptoe out onto that trust you’re building together, take a risk, and say what you’re feeling and thinking as if she were really listening and trying to “get it.” This is the time you remember she’s working for you, caring about you, trying to help you. You try to listen as if she were giving you a gift: understanding and accepting the “not so good” parts, a chance to go through the scary stuff with someone else, learn about and accept yourself, come out alive and still be in it together.
She can take it. And she’s not going to punish you for it. The therapist in her will appreciate your courage and honesty and the gift of your trust. Oh, truth be told she’ll hate it a little, too (the human being part of her, that is. No one likes to feel on the wrong side of someone else’s fury). But she’ll get over it. So will you. If you’ve chosen a therapist you feel comfortable enough to be honest with, and uncomfortable enough you know you’re getting to the real issues. If you stick it out together and remember you’re in it for a shared purpose: to help you learn about yourself and become the best version of you possible, out loud and with someone else hanging in, even when they’ve seen the worst (and the best) of you.
Love and hate. Hate and love. What a combo!

Thank You!  It's OK to feel what I am feeling.  It's actually good for our relationship to feel what I am feeling.  You may not know but I truly rely on the spirit to guide my daily life.  Two weeks ago I had the most amazing therapy session.  The spirit in the room was so strong, there was no denying what I felt.  Unfortunately, I learned that not every session can be that way!  Again, DANG IT. 

Sometimes, I hate going for my walk.  I have a lot of mental time when I take my long walk to the Temple.  Today was no exception.

I pondered on my therapy session yesterday, A LOT!  I went to therapy with an agenda in my head.  I had it on paper but never shared it with my therapist.  We talked about his new calling, etc.  Then we started discussing EMDR.  I explained to him a little about EMDR from Wednesday night.  I told him that after EMDR on Wednesday, that it was the first time in my life I ever felt like a whore.  I must have totally opened myself up to that one.  He started telling me that often times the victim feels guilty for feeling pleasure!  Pleasure for sex with your brother and his friends.  Really?  Everything I have seen there has been no pleasure.  I remember the physical bruises on my inner thighs.  I remember one day when he pinned me down and even drugged me.  Really?  Where is the pleasure in that?  The flashbacks with this 3rd boy I remember he had a defibrilator in his room (why I don't know, I think if I remember correctly he had a heart condition), but I can't tell you how many times he would shock me.  Pleasure really?  I do remember being terrified quite often.  My brother did not appreciate being told off in any way shape or form.  If I ever crossed his path wrong I was physically beaten.  For the longest time as I was going thru EMDR I thought that the abuse only occurred in his room.  I have since found differently.  No wonder I have never felt safe anywhere.  I wasn't even safe in my own territory, my own bedroom.

Back to therapy, so I was not comfortable with the situation and remember I had an agenda and so I mentioned that I sent him my homework in an email.  I even texted him to let him know that I had sent my homework.  He did not even open my email until I told him yesterday that I had sent it.  That made me feel so important!  It made me wonder if he even reads my texts, or my emails.  If you listen to his voice mail message it says to send him a text but yet, no response.  His message says to call the University crisis hotline, so I call, and they tell me that my situation is too much to be dealt with thru the crisis hotline and that I need to discuss it with my therapist.  I go to 4 therapy sessions a week.  I must not be doing this right. 

Last Sunday I spent all morning with my family as my brother blessed his baby daughter.  We were with them from 9-12.  You would think that was plenty of time for my children to see their cousins, etc.  We went to our own church meetings.  To be honest, I really struggle with Sundays.  Last Sunday was no exception and I sat in Relief Society wanting to cry because I was even there!  Anyways, I was emotionally exhausted.  I needed a break and advised my children that we were not going to Grandma's that night.  Well, you would have thought that the world was coming to an end.  They were so mad at me, they were almost mean.  Really, they don't understand what is going on with me and so to them I just think of myself.  I finally had enough and rationalized that I could stay home and please myself and take the needed break, or I could go to my parents and please more than 1.  So, I cried as I left my home.  When do I become important?  When does my 1 vote mean more than 6?

This morning on my walk I also wondered why was I so mad at my therapist?  I thought about forgiveness.  I thought about my Sunday School lesson, and I thought of who I really am.  I have so many emotions and one of them is "hate".  I have always tried to follow the Savior (at least in my adult life).  You don't read of any time in Christ's life when he felt hate, but yet I hated the way I felt, sometimes there is so much pain with therapy, that I even hate the therapist.  Then I had a thought, I hate going to the dentist more than anything, but if you have ever had a toothache, the dentist all of a sudden becomes your best friend.  (It's worse than giving birth without an epidural, and trust me, I have done that, not by choice, but still, done it!)  But, you have to go thru the pain that the dentist causes in order to get the relief.  (Dang it, I hate where I am going with this!)  I am beginning to think that therapy is just like that.  I may hate going, and there may be times where the pain is so great that I hate the therapist, but I have to keep going to get the relief.

As I also walked to the Temple, there was a hill that I dislike immensely (I feel better already, I didn't use the word "hate").  Today is actually the first time I walked the hill in sunlight, it was beautiful, but I realized that I was doing it for myself, that it didn't matter how long it took me to climb that hill, I just had to climb it.  It wasn't a race, I just had to reach the top.  Again, another mental analogy(dang it!), I am trying to rush thru therapy so I can be done with the pain.  Therapy is like that hill, I just have to keep climbing, it's so hard, and it hurts so bad that yes the fitting word is HATE, but I am the only one in this race.  I need to slow down and let the therapist do what he needs to do, even if it SUCKS!  I just hope he can forgive me when I lash out irrationally.