Last night, we went to visit my parents.  We do this every Sunday (I need to make some changes but have to work the kids into it!).  My family gets together and the kids get to play.  Well, I love my brothers and their wives.  No one in my family knows about my situation except for my little sister, so of course they would not know what my comfort zone is.  My little brothers have sons.  At one point one of my little brothers asked my oldest daughter if she knew what something was?  When she advised him she did not, he proceeded to tell her a dirty joke.  The entire conversation then turned dirty.  I advised them that I was not comfortable with the conversation and informed them that I live in a house full of girls and that my girls did not need to learn what they were discussing.  Well, my sister in laws then got in to the conversation and tried to advise me that is just how "guys" are.  They actually laughed that I did not want to discuss it, and knowing I was not comfortable put more fuel to their fire.  The only way out of the discussion was to leave and so I did.

My oldest is very spiritual and so as we left, she decided that she and I would drive up by the Bountiful Temple.  She advised me that she was not comfortable and she could sense that I was not comfortable and so she was very willing to leave.  We started talking about spiritual things and we discussed being "foreordained".  I know of many that have been "foreordained" but I struggle to realize that I am.  We talked about Patriarchal blessings and we talked of how real Satan is.

I am one that does not like conflict and so when it came to therapy I struggled with the way things ended up with my EMDR therapist.  I was told that I needed to tell him how I felt and that I needed to listen to him explain to me his feelings as well.  So, Saturday, I met with him.  He told me that I had an "emotional intellect".  I asked about EMDR and advised him that I just could not do it again.  He explained to me that the last 2 sessions of EMDR he was trying to tap into my "emotions".  He was trying to push me along thru therapy.  He had no idea that LDS Family Services was not going to allow me to see my therapist anymore.  So, the timing of his pushing EMDR and then having to look for a new therapist collided-big time!  He even advised me that had he known, he never would have pushed me like he did.  I asked why it took so long for me to finish my last flashback.  He explained that it was like opening a can of worms.  I opened up the can of worms in one of my last sessions of EMDR, I did fight back the memories, I know I did, but when I finally got thru the stress of seeing a different therapist, the worms or memories had to come out, and that is why I didn't finish my last flash back for so long. 

As we talked I understood more clearly where he was coming from in regards to our last phone conversation.  He knew things on a professional level that I did not and that was that there was more trauma to work thru.  He told me that I need to stop saying that I need to be "done"with this, because I will never be "done".  Once I disconnect the emotions that are tied to my flashbacks I will be stronger but I am always going to be "processing". 

Last night I went bowling with my Husband.  It is not one of my favorite things.  I was actually very much out of my comfort zone.  I suck at bowling but we went for Elder's Quorum, which meant that 20+ people were going to watch me bowl.  Well, I am learning from therapy that I have no pride.  I need to step out of my comfort zone and so I went bowling.  However, there was one stipulation-I got the gutter guards!  You may laugh but I was the only one out of the 20+ people there that got the gutter guards.  I still was not a threat!  I broke 100 once out of the 3 games that we played.  Needless to say, I was a little embarrassed to have the gutter guards but at least I was there.  I wouldn't say it was my favorite date night experience but Thankfully, the people in our Ward are amazing and we had a good time.

I have been thinking a lot about therapy and my direction in life.  Saturdays always suck for me as I ponder on the coming of the Sabbath.  I have an internal war each week as I ponder on the Sacrament.  This week I committed to singing with the Ward Choir and so I needed to be there.  I even had to run home once after getting to church because I left my music, and I still made it in time for Sacrament.  I watched those young men as they stood and blessed the Sacrament.  After the prayer, I couldn't look up because I kept repeating the Sacrament prayer "always have his spirit".  I have gone to the Bishop.  He is fully aware of everything I have seen in my flashbacks.  Every week I think "how could I be worthy after I have seen what I have seen?"  It is still just so hard.  Today, as that Sacrament was passed, all I could do is pray that Heavenly Father would one day make this easier for me. 

Yesterday as I went to therapy I learned that I hide my emotions very well.  I was advised that sometimes that is not a good thing.  I was also told I have been "hyper capable", which means that I do everything for others, but inside I am "boiling".  It's true, I was also told that because I hide my emotions so well, probably the only ones that see my true emotions are my immediate family, and they see it when I "boil over".  I have to admit, he used the word "facade", which is not one of my favorite words because I don't like to be "fake".

I was advised by my therapist that I need to keep writing in my journal.  With that being said, and following my blog post from yesterday, I am keeping my blog open for the moment.  There really may come a time where I have to close my blog, this makes me sad.  The reason why this makes me sad is because when all of this first came out I have looked for meaning.  I have tried to understand why this had to come out, and what is the purpose.  I have always felt that everything truly has a purpose.  Now, I know that I am growing into a different person.  But, I have also hoped that something that I have done in my life no matter how crappy it is could help someone.

Yesterday, I got off work early.  I didn't have therapy and the morning was rainy so I did not go walking.  I chose to go on a 5 mile walk.  I love my walks so I put on my clothes, grabbed my ipod and I was out the door.  As I walked up my first street, I saw a young boy stuffing something in his back pack.  As I got closer I realized that it was my nephew, my brother's son.  My brother's son is soooo much like my brother, it is almost sickening.  As I got closer, I said "hello" and he looked at me and said "hello" back and called me by name.  I am not kidding, I wanted to crawl in my skin.  I wasn't expecting him to respond to me, but I also was not expecting to feel myself go outside myself.  Thankfully, I have been learning something from Group therapy because my heart was racing (and it wasn't from my walking), and I started to hyperventilate.  I could feel myself start to dissociate and it was not a comfortable feeling.  I was able to focus on my music and my breathing (that was a huge help!) and talk myself thru it. 

This morning, was my extra long walk.  My walk to the Temple.  When I walk it is just me and my thoughts on the pavement.  Well, when I got to Lakeview Dr which is the street that I walk up every Saturday, I felt major anxiety.  The reason for this is because the resting place for my brother, his wife, and my sister is on Lakeview Dr.  I literally walk past this cemetary every week.  I have not been able to bring myself to go since probably October when I thought that I could forgive my brother.  I even went and got ornaments for a tree nearby for Christmas, those ornaments still sit in my cupboard.  I just could not do it. 

I was planning my lesson for Sunday when I came across a scripture in Mosiah chapter 2 that talks about when you pass away before you repent.  Now, I don't know the Lord's plan for my brother, but I am certain that he did not repent while on this Earth.  I have thought about what life is going to be like when I do pass on to the other side and I see him for the first time.  I am thinking that I am not ready to forgive because to be honest, I don't really want to see my brother, and I really don't want him to apologize, and I don't want him to speak to me.  The pain really is still too fresh.  But, then I am reminded that I am required to forgive all. 

I don't sleep well, which is extra challenging.  I didn't fall asleep until probably 1:00 and that was with the help of Benadryl.  (I know, it's bad but we have had this discussion!)  The sad thing is that even with Benadryl, I only slept 4 1/2 hours.  I was up by 5:29.  In the past I would have gotten up and started my walk earlier, but instead, I laid there until 6:00 and then went for my walk.  The sad thing is, if I didn't need to go to therapy this morning, I probably would have walked longer (which isn't good because I was already gone for 2 1/2 hours!) 

I haven't written for a few days.  There has been a reason for this and I need to get it out in the open.  When I started this blog, it was for me.  I have so many thoughts going thru my head and I needed somewhere for them to go, besides staying put.  I have been able to write my deepest thoughts.  In therapy, one of the first lessons you learn is being able to talk to "safe" people.  When you have been violated, as I have been, it is hard to "trust" anyone.  It is hard to even "trust" yourself.  Even Wednesday night, after group therapy, I started thinking about some things and realized that in a way, I feel like I have betrayed myself. 

With this blog, I have really been able to open up.  Most don't know my identity, and the cyber world is huge.  But, I have shared my identity with a few very close "safe" people.  Sometimes things happen, and my identity was uncovered this week.  After my identity was uncovered I asked myself a lot of questions.  What do I do now with this blog?  I have asked myself that question now for 3 days.  I can't just stop writing because I still have a lot of crap to go thru and I need somewhere for it to go.  I thought about locking it, and to be honest, it is still a very real possibility.  But, I started thinking that there was a reason why I didn't lock it.  I still feel that if someone can take any lesson from this blog, then all of the pain that I have felt, would be worth it.

So, what did I learn from this experience?  I learned that I am no longer that little girl that was abused by her brother, but I am the adult.  I need to make my own decisions.  There is always going to be someone that has an opinion, and realistically, their intentions are good.  The one that disclosed my identity really was trying to help out of love.  But, in the end, I am the one that needs to live this life.  I even had one friend ask "what is the worst thing that could happen?"

I am going to be honest, I still don't know how to "trust" myself.  It would be so much easier for me if someone would make my decisions in life for me.  But, the Bishop even reminded me that when I make a decision, I need to "own" it.  I can't tell you how scared I am of taking that one step in the dark.  I feel like I am in the dark a lot.  The "worst" thing that could happen for me is that I take some steps back because I want to keep moving forward. 

I went to therapy last night.  She asked if I did my homework.  Well, between the flashback, my last day of LDS family services, Sunday, and dealing with issues in regards to a trauma therapist, the answer was "no".  I have homework for DBT (group therapy), and haven't done that either.  I think I am still in shock that all of this is happening right now.  But, I have also had so many thoughts running thru my head.

I have been thinking a lot about repentance.  I am going to be honest (I say that a lot!) but, I think it's important for me to say that because this is genuinely about me.  I have tried to live so I didn't have to repent.  I know, that's impossible, so that being impossible, means I haven't felt worthy for a long time.  (There I said it!)  The sad thing is that my definition of worthy, is so different from someone else's.  I even had one person tell me that no one could live up to my definition of worthy (isn't that nice?).  But, in my mind, I thought that everyone thought the same way I did.  I swear to you I had no idea that not every woman hated their body, I thought that was part of being a woman.  This is all new to me. 

The highlight of my day was spending time with my sweet friend and her mother.  I am honored that my friend would want me to meet her mother and to be a part of that bond for even a few hours.  We had a great time.  My friend is a convert and has been sharing a lot of our LDS religion with her mother.  Her mother spent some time with the Elder's over the weekend, and needless to say, she had some questions.  I was born and raised in the Gospel, but I don't know everything about it.  When this sweet woman started asking questions about missionaries, and family, all I could do was give her my thoughts and understanding of the gospel. 

I have lived "in" this world a long time, and I can see how many would question some of our beliefs.  One thing I am learning thru my trials is that this life is all about choice.  If I had a chance to do our conversation over again, I would tell her that the young men that go on missions do "choose" to serve the Lord.  As I told her last night, we as parents in the gospel talk about missions from the time our little ones are born.  We want our children to have that experience, we want our children to gain that testimony for themselves.  Even as a mother of all girls, I tell my daughter often to "shoot for a mission".  Granted, I tell her that because I don't want her to marry young, but if she "shoots for a mission", then when/if she truly finds the one she is to marry, she will think hard and ask the Lord two very poignant questions; Do I go on a mission, or do I marry this man?  Honestly, that is what I asked of the Lord.  I knew that I could serve a mission later in life and so I chose to get married.  Granted, I didn't think that I would serve a mission just by opening my curtains, but that is a whole other conversation. 

When it comes to families, she asked what if you don't really get along with one of your siblings, what does our church feel about that?  Well, I would be the wrong person to be asking because I can personally say I have some issues with a sibling.  Again, if I could have my conversation over again with her, I would tell her that we believe that this life is only temporary.  We do believe that our family is forever, that all of us will live again after we die.  Again, everyone has choices, but when we become as our Father in Heaven wants us to be, we will not have any ill feelings towards our siblings, we will have a greater love for each other, because we will then understand anothers heart the way that our Heavenly Father understands our heart.  Because, as I am learning in therapy, everyone's heart has good intentions, we just need to find them.

I hate that my blog posts seem to be so negative.  I don't mean them to be that way.  Today it was so rough.  Last night, I tried to prepare myself for the Sabbath day.  My Bishop doesn't like it when I say that I can't so all night long I kept pondering what was another way to say how I felt.  The best way I could describe it is that I just did not have any more strength.  Yesterday, I didn't even go to the grocery store.  I literally went on my walk, went to the dentist, stopped by GNC and then came home, showered and stayed inside the rest of the day.  I even took a 2 hour nap, I didn't nap very well because my mind was constantly running.  I can't tell you when it was last that I had a good night's sleep.  Some times the only reason why I don't wake up in the middle of the night is because of the Benadryl that I take before I go to bed.  Even as I lay in bed, my husband asked if I was becoming addicted to the Benadryl.  I advised him that my family Dr had ok'd it (which is true!  He is actually the one that gave me the idea!). 

So, why was Sunday so rough for me.  This last flashback totally threw me for a loop.  To be honest, my husband even turned to me at Noon and asked if I was going to church.  I advised him that I didn't know, I laid down on my bed, I totally felt that I just could not do it.  I didn't even care that my therapist was repeating in my head that not taking the Sacrament was "self injury".  I can't tell you how many times I heard his voice.  In my head, I wondered how I was ever going to feel worthy after I had seen what I had seen.  I was late for church, the only reason why I actually got there was because I had made a commitment to teach my Sunday School class, and I did not have a substitute.  I sat in the foyer, and honestly, I hoped that I had missed the Sacrament, but I didn't.  So, when that young man stood in front of me, I cried.  In my head, I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't take the Sacrament, but in my heart, I so needed it.  I listened to my heart, and cried.  I hoped in my heart that the Lord would know how hard I have tried to live my entire life to have his spirit.  I also listened to my therapist again when he told me that the Bishop is the one that would tell me if I was not worthy to take the Sacrament.  So, I did take the Sacrament but I did go thru two kleenex before I even got into the chapel. 

I taught my lesson in Sunday School.  My class is awesome and they give me more strength than they could ever know.  Then it was Relief Society, another lesson on the Temple.  Wow, did I want to crawl into my hole?  I just had to stay focused on not getting into my head, but to be honest, I tuned so much of it out.  I think I read scriptures more than I listened.

The time had come for me to go and visit with the Bishop.  Bless his heart, he was even prepared with two boxes of kleenex.   The roughest part of our talk was when I disclosed to him the details of my flashback.  It's not something that you want anyone that ever knows you personally to know about you.  I didn't want anyone to know, but I felt awful, as I said before I felt like I needed to repent.  I don't understand any of this, and I have never needed to actually go to the Bishop to repent but I didn't want to feel like this anymore.  I felt like I had gone thru my entire life and lied every time I had a temple recommend interview because I never repented for something that happened to me 30 years ago.  I also know that the Lord has called him to be the Judge for our Ward at this time.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done.  To be honest, disclosing to your therapist is nothing compared to disclosing to your Bishop. 

We talked for over an hour.  He was very loving, and for that I will always be eternally grateful.  When all was said and done, I asked for a Priesthood blessing.  It was a beautiful blessing and gave me strength.  The sad thing is, this flashback was the missing link.  This flashback is the one that opened up my eyes to why I didn't feel worthy.  I fought so hard to keep this portion of the flashback hidden.  I hope I don't have to share the details of this flashback with any more people.  Even as I told the Bishop, I had to look away and  take some deep breaths because I thought I would throw up.  The Bishop even moved the garbage can close.   Thankfully, my deep breathing techniques worked and the nauseous feeling passed. 

I now need to learn who I am.  As the Bishop explained, this is a part of me, and it will be forever.  It will be like a scar that you know is there but eventually, the scar doesn't hurt.  I'll still have gentle reminders my whole life about my past, but it won't hurt any more. 

My prior post was actually one that I did not publish until today.  There was a lot of reasons behind the fact that I did not publish it.  I didn't want to publish in onto my blog.  But, after I read it today, I needed it to be on my blog because this blog is for me.   A lot of things have happened since I wrote that blog post yesterday morning.  I still have lots of things going thru my head.  And honestly, I have had a headache for days.  My neck muscles are killing me, and I don't sleep much.  Hopefully,  I will be better soon.

I don't understand a lot of things in my life.  I think it sucks that I have had these flashbacks.  As I was talking to a friend, she has also suffered thru a lot.  I told her that I hate hearing that this is going to make me stronger, or that the knowledge that I get from this particular trial will help someone else.  My first thought, is my heck, I have to be stronger than this, that means that there is going to be another trial, that is just as big, or bigger, and my second thought, is that if I have to learn this to help someone else, that means that someone is going to have to go thru this hell.  I keep telling my Bishop, that I can't do this anymore.  The physical pain and exhaustion are overwhelming.  The mental pain and anguish is what's killing me.  The Bishop told me that when I say I can't then it comes across as "quitting".  I can't believe how so tangible this burden really is.  When you see those pictures of Christ carrying the cross, you can physically see how heavy that cross was.  Well, I totally feel like the cross that I am carrying right now is overwhelming, and that I may fall to the ground. 

Yesterday was my last session with LDS Family Services.  I loved the therapist that I had there.  He was very good to me and for me.  To be honest, it broke my heart to walk out yesterday.  When I got into my session yesterday, he was running late and went right to my flashback.  When I told him the details, he started asking some "devil's advocate" questions.  Questions like, "are you sure you didn't see this in a magazine, or a video?"  It kind of hurts to write those questions.  But, I know why he asked.  I kept telling him over and over, "I have never done this."  I never would have imagined this one up, and I never would have come up with this one on my own because I can honestly say, I have never done this, so for me to see me doing this in my flashback literally makes me want to throw up again and again.  Because this has made me so nauseous, I have hardly eaten because the last thing I want to do is throw up (I hate doing that!). 

I want it known that I NEVER searched for pornography.  I NEVER purchased it, and I have not looked at it ever in my life.  The flashback that I have seen involves my brother with his pornography, I didn't even know it existed in my head until approximately 1 month ago, and I can honestly say I did not know how far this went until last week.  The sad thing is that I don't need to go looking for pornography when it plays over and over in my head.  And, where it involves me, that is when the sick feeling comes.

In all of my other flashbacks I was clearly held against my will, but with this last one, I could have gotten up and left, but I didn't.  Again, those of you that know my identity, please don't judge me when I say what I am about to say.  The reason why I have felt like shredding my temple recommend is because what I have seen, I never should have been given a temple recommend until I had repented.  To be honest, the thought of attending Sacrament meeting tomorrow is killing me.  I don't know if I can do it.  The therapist voice in my head may be telling me that skipping the sacrament is "self injury", but I am having another one of those "I don't care" moments. 

Many may say that I don't know what my brother and his friends would have done to me if I had gotten up and left.  I can tell you, I do know, my brother would have physically abused me, because he did that anyway.  But, as my friend pointed out to me, it would have happened another day because my brother wanted it that way.  I still wish he would have killed me.

So, here we are, I am done with LDS Family Services, the therapist intern doesn't know how to deal with trauma, and the EMDR specialist doesn't call back.  So, what does that mean for me?  I basically processed my flashback with a therapist that can't follow up.  The only one that knows the entire story besides myself and his work is done.

I'm not sure I can do this today.  My emotions are everywhere.  I have been sick to my stomach for days.  My daughter even told me I had bags under my eyes last night.  I have cried so much this week.  My thoughts are everywhere.  I have had this recurring flashback for a week and a half now.  In talking with a very good friend, she has advised me that I need to process this.  Remember, I said that I didn't want anyone to know about this flashback?  Well, I can't carry this by myself anymore.  It's also not something you share with everyone.  And, I hope that I only need to share this with a few people.

I have always acknowledged that the Lord guides my life on a daily basis.  I am fully aware of his hand in my life.  This last week, is no exception.  Today is my last session with LDS Family Services.  In my last session, my therapist asked what I wanted my last session to be like.  I did not know.  After this last week with this flashback, the last thing I wanted it to be about was this. 

So, how can I say that the Lord has guided me to this point?  Well, I started with this flashback weeks ago.  I really did think I had processed this with both my LDS family services therapist and my EMDR therapist.  This flashback is also the exact one that I bent my ring on.  I have actually looked at my misshapen ring a lot this week, as I have tried to understand why this didn't all come out earlier.  I either fought it, or I wasn't ready, I am thinking, and some may not agree, but I think I wasn't ready.  This explains so much about me.

I relived the final aspect of my flashback pretty much all day.  I was nauseous all day.  I could hardly eat, because I really did think I would throw up.  I had group therapy last night, honestly, the last thing I wanted to do.  What I really wanted to do was to go home, sit in a hot tub, and then go to bed.  But, I went to therapy.  We started with process group.  It was not a pretty topic for me.  I tried to tune it out as best as I could.  All of my stress went to my muscles.  I am not kidding, by the time I left my body hurt so bad.  As soon as I got home, I put on my pajamas, medicated myself, and went to bed.  I cried myself to sleep, because I stil can't believe that all of this is happening to me.  I know that there are others out there that have problems greater than my own, but I don't know how to get thru this. 

The finalizing of this flashback totally makes me want to shred my temple recommend and to never have one again.  No wonder I have never felt worthy, because I wasn't.  How could I have ever been?  How could my brother?  I'm here to tell you, I wish we had just played Dr. 

As soon as I walked in the door, my husband advised me that my Mom had called.  Guess what, that phone call was never returned (oops!).  I didn't care. 

So, I think I completed the unanswered section of my flashback last night.  I physically wanted to throw up.  Mentally, I hear the little girl inside me say "no one can ever know about this."  I bet I have repeated that to myself over 100 times in the last 8 hours since.  The sad thing is that I totally agree with that voice right now.  Anytime I even think about it, I again want to throw up.

Who am I?  I am surely not the girl that I have seen in my flashbacks.  But, yet, I am.  How could that be me?  When did I form my values?  Evidently my values at the age of 15 were different than my values before that.  I can honestly say I feel like a hypocrite because I said one thing and did another.  I remember when I was in young women's I met with the Bishop.  I remember him asking me if I kept the law of Chastity.  I remember saying "yes," and then him looking across from his desk at me.  He was holding a pencil in his hand and rolling it around in his fingers.  He said to me "do you even know what the law of Chastity is?"  He then defined it for me.  This when I ask myself, is this when my values changed? 

When I first started with my initial flashback, I asked the Bishop, over and over again, how could my brother ever have served a mission?  If I don't feel worthy, what in the hell made him feel worthy?  To be honest, I don't know how many people he baptized, but I hope it wasn't many.  (that is an awful thing to say)  The more information I am given, the more I realize that mission was for me. (damn it)  I don't want to be compensated.  I just don't want it to exist.  I know it is not right to say this but how is this fair?  I know life is not fair, but really, how is this fair? 

I keep thinking, I was older, I should have known better.  But, then, I am no idiot, I know my brother.  He was very volatile.  He would get angry at the drop of a hat.  He was very abusive, he was bigger than I, and to be honest, he hurt all of us often.  Now, I am realizing it was in more than one way. 

I hate that my emotions are all over the place.  I hate that there are times where I just want to scream, and times where I just want to cry.  As I said yesterday, my head hurt, and I took A LOT of Ibuprofen, and to be honest, I did not care.  On Sunday night as I laid in bed talking with my husband I had a flashback, it is one that I have had before, again, it is one that I thought I had processed with both therapists, and it sucked that I had to go thru it AGAIN!  I don't understand why I keep having this same flashback.  To be honest, I cried myself to sleep Sunday night.  I hardly slept, I was up 3 times between 1:00 and 6:00 and I think that is why I had the headache is one for lack of sleep and two because of the flashback.  My flashbacks make me want to pull my hair out, or when I cry so much, polk my eyes out.  I truly just want them to go away and leave me alone.  I don't understand why after 8 months of therapy, why my flashbacks are still happening, and why they have such a hold on me. 

I spoke with my Mom last night.  She mentioned to me that she was taking an anti-depressant, and she remembers the first time she took them, she felt "flawed".  It was a sign of weakness to her.  Now, I am not taking anti-depressants because of my choice in regards to therapy and that direction, but when my Mother indicated that she felt "flawed", no wonder why I struggle with perfection, because my Mom had to be perfect too.  She really struggles still with the fact that I am going to therapy.  I can't tell you how many times a week she asks if I think it is helping! Do you know how many times I want to say "I'm still alive aren't I?"  Because trust me, I still have those days.  So, yes, if I am still alive, therapy must be working.  I can't tell you how many times I have wished that my brother would have killed me instead of raped me over and over, but I don't get that choice either.  So, there must be a reason.  Interesting that I'm the one that's still alive and he's not.

I mentioned to my Mom last night that I was working on coming up with some money to pay for our daughter's Summer semester of college.  I have some money stashed from our tax return, and honestly, I don't really care about money right now (yes it was 5 days before I went to the mailbox to pull out my bills, damn someone has to pay them!), but my daughter's education is important too.  So, I had to have my father take me to work today, and as soon as I get in the car he tells me that I need to not worry about my daughter's schooling and let him deal with it.  OK, first of all, my hell, my Mom told him all about our conversation last night, and second of all, the last thing I want is for all of my family to know that my daughter needs money for school.  Sure as God made little green apples, if one of my siblings finds out that my parents helped me financially, I might as well open myself up to the passing of judgement by all, because honestly, once you are indebted to family, you are indebted forever, and everyone knows about it!

I don't mean to be critical but, one of the first things you learn in therapy is identify your "safe" people.  No, I knew before where my parents were in regards to the "safe" department, but my heavens, anything I say, really?  I am so very confused about what direction I am going, and what I am doing moving forward.  As I said to my therapist on Saturday, twenty years from now, I am still going to be a "survivor of abuse", but 1 year ago, I didn't even know this existed.  It doesn't go away.  I can't tell you how many times I "google" to verify what "false memories" are.  Nothing I find makes it go away.  If they were "false" memories, they wouldn't keep coming up.  Do you know how sick it is to see your brother sitting in front of you sexually aroused?(you have no idea how hard that was to write!)  I see myself, standing there in front of him as he is looking at his magazine of "women".  I was nothing like those "women".  I'm not kidding, I still don't look like those "women".  There was nothing to my shape.  NOTHING!  This flashback has played over and over in my head probably 20 times this week.  I don't know what happens next because I keep doing all that I can to push it out.  My head is killing me, every day.  And, yes, I medicated myself to sleep again, but at least I can say, I slept 5 hours uninterrupted which is huge for me lately.

My head is killing me.  It's pretty bad that you need an Ibuprofen before you even wake up.  My headache woke me up.  I know I did not go to sleep until after 1:00 and I was up at least 3 times before 6:00.  I am so tired.  There really is not much more to say today.

So many things to think about.  I met with my new therapist last night.  I admit, I was not prepared to hear what she had to say.  I chose her because I knew she would make me work, but I also chose her because she was honest and upfront with me.  She always has been, even when I didn't want to hear what she had to say.  We call that BLUNT!  It's good for me because I need someone like that to shake me and wake me up. 

As we were closing our session, she advised me that she didn't feel that she had enough training to help me thru my trauma.  She feels that we need to involve another therapist.  My head is spinning.  I have so many questions for myself.  I cry a lot.  Some of the questions that I have had over the last 12 hours are:  Am I expecting too much?  What have I done wrong?  I have been doing this for 8 months.  I have been very blessed to have a Bishop that saw that I had a need for help.  My therapy has been paid for by my neighbors.  I don't live in the richest part of town.  I have the most generous neighbors around.  Amazing neighbors, neighbors that I miss when they move out of the ward, neighbors that I miss when they pass to the other side.  Have I been doing enough to get thru this, or have I been taking advantage of their generousity?

We are told in the scriptures that the Lord is refining us.  I have researched refining in the scripture sense.  I know that each one of us will be refined in our own way, that the refining process is different for everyone.  I keep telling my Sunday School class that there is no wrong way to read the scriptures, that each one of us are going to read a chapter of scripture and will take something completely different out of it.  Just like we learn differently from reading the scriptures, we will all learn differently from our trials, from our refining process.  It's hard to believe that the Lord chose this refining process for me.  Several weeks ago in therapy my LDS family therapist advised me that even Christ had an angel in Gethsemane.  To be honest, I didn't believe him, because I hadn't known that fact, I thought that Christ was completely alone.  I of course researched it and I now know that Christ did in fact have an angel with him.  I went to Deseret Book last week and found the most beautiful book with a picture of Christ in Gethsemane, with his angel.  I will never know the pains that were felt while in that Garden.  The price for Eternal Salvation is great, I understand that, that is our ultimate goal.  This is the hardest test I have ever had. 

I don't know what I am going to do.  My dear friend reminded me again that I needed to "trust". 

Yesterday was a rough day for me.  I actually got into a place in my head that I have never wanted to go.  As I have said before, my therapy sessions do not end when I leave, they actually start when I leave.  This week was no exception.  But, it didn't go to a pleasant place.  And, realistically this flashback is stuck.  It sucks!  I knew I was not comfortable with even the word pornography even before all of this happened, I prayed it would never happen to me.  Then I had the flashbacks.  I still try to block it out because pornography is awful.  I have some awesome daughters and so I never thought that I would have to deal with it.  This flashback has a lot to do with pornography and damn it, I was supposed to have already processed it in both regular therapy and EMDR.  I thought that I had.  This particular flashback was the original flashback that I refused to process after it first happened because the details are horrid.  So my EMDR therapist was very good to just listen as I talked of other things, knowing full well that I still needed to process it.  My friend, bless her heart, told me that I still needed to process it with someone, and so I processed it the next day with my individual therapist.  Unfortunately, every time someone even mentions the word pornography it takes me back to the ugly place.  This week was no exception as my individual therapist talked of a client that was in to pornography and how the power of the Temple helped him to overcome some of those temptations.  As he talked to be honest, I felt myself going to the ugly place and so I tried to tune him out, I really did.  I started feeling all of the muscles in my body tense up and again, tried to tune him out.  In my head I tried to change the subject.  I went to how I struggle to feel worthy to go to the Temple, how I have met some amazing young men that have pornography addiction and how I wish so much for them to overcome.  I went to how strong Satan's powers are.  But, damn it, I can't stop now from going to my ugly place.  I am not kidding, I heard the words pornography and masturbation, and my skin just starts to crawl.    I am sure you are wondering why?

This flashback that plays over and over in my head, involves my brother.  I really hate my damn it moments.  I knew where my brother hid his pornography.  I also know how he used it.  I was so young, there was no shape to my body.  I did not develop into a woman until after he had gone on a mission.  He would use his pornography to arouse himself.  I am not going to go any further in my thoughts because I am sure that there are some that may read this and not believe that anything like the continuation of this flashback would ever happen in our home.  To be honest, I scream inside on a daily basis because I can't believe that it happened in my home.  I so need to move past this. 

Yesterday, the emotions were so bad.  As I said in an earlier post, again all I could think about is that $160,000 life insurance benefit, and to be honest, I went further down that path than I ever have.   I went for a 5 mile walk, hoping that it would help, but that caused my muscles to cramp and caused physical pain, so I came home and took a hot bubble bath.  It helped a little, but honestly, I hated that I was having those thoughts.  All I could hear in my head is therapy telling me that I needed to "reach out".  The thoughts of reaching out scared me.  The reason it scared me is because I reached out once and the person that I reached for, freaked out and was going to call the police to come and get me because they were so afraid.  I knew I didn't want to do that and so I did the next best thing.  I prayed that my Bishop would reach out to me.  I am not kidding when I say this but within 2 minutes of ending that prayer my Bishop sent me a text.  I thanked him because that one text gave me so much strength, I then got a text from my therapist, it wasn't much but an answer to a question, but then I got a whole conversation from a friend who was miles away on vacation and 2 hours different in time and still reached out, none of these individuals know the impact that they had in those short texts except for me.  I was blessed.

I am not going to lie, I did medicate myself to sleep, but at least I didn't do what I wanted to do. 

I am confused.  I am working so hard, trying to do the right thing for myself and for my family.  I have been told I have so many complex issues, and I agree, but I don't know how to get rid of the complex issues. 

Last night, I came home from work.  I was going to go for a walk when I walked into my home and found that nothing had been touched in 2 days.  I had group therapy right after work on Wednesday, I got home after 10:00 so I was not able to clean at all that day.  My husband and college daughter were home all day yesterday.  Nothing had been done.  I had 3 bags of garbage in my kitchen.  Needless to say, I LOST IT!  My husband proceeded to start in on my college daughter advising her that she needed to earn priveleges.  When I asked him what he had done that day to earn priveleges he advised me that he had taken me to work, and picked me up.  (are you kidding me?  I am the one with the pay check, without me going to work we would lose our home, lights, car, etc.)  How is driving me to work such a huge undertaking?  I live just over 1 mile from work.  But, no worries, I don't feel like a burden at all!

My college daughter had a group date night on Wednesday.  As we were discussing the guys that were with the group, she said there was one guy she would never date.  When I asked her why, she proceeded to tell me and her father, that this young man does not respect women.  He advised the group that the reason why he would have a wife is for his maid.  Well, after I came home and saw the mess that no one touched, I asked her why she deserved the respect and I don't.  She advised me that she would rather be single all her life than to be disrespected.  So, did I make a mistake, because I didn't know I was going to be disrespected my entire life. 

I spoke with my Bishop later in the evening.  I evidently enabled my family for so long that now my life is hell.  I have had my two oldest children tell me that we are living in hell.  So, did I put us there?  I didn't know that this was the direction we were going.  I don't know what caused all of this to come right now.  I don't know how to make the pain go away.  If I go back to the way I was, work full time, come home clean, homework, then my family is happy but I'm not.  If I go to therapy, work on getting thru all this crap, and try to improve my own life, then I am happy, but my family is not.  I admit, last night as I was going thru my emotions, I can't tell you how many times I reflected on that $160,000 in life insurance money.  It would clear up a lot of things. 

One of the decisions that I made was to work on myself, go to individual therapy, and work thru my issues.  Well, now I have no idea if I made the right decision.  I am going to a lot of therapy, some days it seems like so much to take in.  Some days I am overwhelmed with even just trying to remember to be in the moment and to breathe.  I thought that if I worked on myself then I could strengthen my family.  So, I let marriage therapy be put on the back burner.  Really, I hated hearing the complaining about marriage therapy, I hated spending the "Lord's" money on something that my husband did not work for and did not appreciate.  But, look at where that decision has gotten me-my children fear that I am going to leave them, my husband is oblivious to the fact that his family is falling apart, and right now, he is the only one that can change this. 

Last night was group therapy.  I had a very productive day at work, and I was feeling pretty good about how the day went, until about 3:30 when my boss called me into his office.  I explained to him what he wanted to know about flood insurance and medicare supplement as he requested (which is difficult because for a man that is supposed to know about insurance, he wants to know it his way, and evidently, I can't communicate it to him his way!)  He talked to me about the woman that he was looking at hiring and proceeded to tell me that he just "doesn't know" about me and the direction that I am going with our office.  "If you can work every day like you work today, you have a job here, but your track record doesn't prove that you can".  (nice, but no worries, he wasn't criticizing! just being honest!)  This conversation went on until his daughter, called me out of the office to help her with a phone call of a client that needed better direction than she could give.  I finished that phone call for her, and then went back in to the office.  I was reminded again about the issue when I almost walked out of the office when I was being investigated for insurance fraud, which HELLO, I would not have been questioned if I wasn't told by my boss to write the damn application, but he pointed out that I "didn't leave", because that wouldn't have been the right way to handle that situation.  And I should be glad that he "questioned my integrity."  This went on until after 5:00.  Honestly, all I could think about, is "are you kidding me, I am being paid hourly, so my time is done at 5:00".  I did call him a bad name over and over in my head.  Finally, I got up and walked out of his office, he was still talking to me but his daughter had not shut down the office yet, so it needed to be done.  I changed my clothes and finally left the office at about 5:15.

I have to be honest, I cried the whole way to therapy which is about 45 minutes.  I hate that I have to work.  I hate that I don't ever get a break for myself unless I wake up early to do it.  But, honestly, I hate that my husband watches me every day come home from the abusive environment that I call work and he doesn't have a problem with it.  That I can tell him that I hate having to work, and it is almost as though he isn't listening, or that he doesn't care. 

There are days where I just can't carry my load any more.  At one point during the group therapy session last night as I listened to these two other women in the group talk I felt like they are so much more advanced than I.  I honestly questioned why I was there, that maybe I should drop out of the group and start the next one (if there is one).  One of the women related to the trial that she was going thru  to labor pains when having a baby.  That if you relax, the pains will work in your favor and you will progress faster than if you fight the pain.  (see what I mean, far more advanced than I). 

It is so not fair.  Yesterday was my second to last session with my current therapist.  I thought that there was a direction to ending therapy.  I thought that he would tie up loose ends, and close the chapter.  I thought that there was supposed to be some wind down to all of this.  If there is, it so didn't happen yesterday.  If anything he wound me up, and now I'm supposed to figure this out.  I hate this!  There is that ugly word again.  He gave me so much to think about that sleep did not come easily to me last night.  When I advised my friend that my session was not the wind down that I expected, she advised me that he is working to the end.  Well, that is nice because when he works to the end, is he going to leave me hanging?  The way that I am feeling today, if he does the same thing to me on the last session, it's not going to be a pretty weekend for my new therapist. 

I am sure you are wondering, what was said in my session?  We talked about what my goals were.  He did tell me that my goals were set when I first started, emotion regulation, boundaries, & better relationships.  After I did my homework and discovered the abuse, my goals changed or were put on the back burner.  It then became survival, his goal was to get me thru the trauma.  I am so grateful that he was there to help me thru the trauma because for months it was ugly.  At times, it is still ugly.  I keep putting the trauma of abuse on the back burner so that I can deal with more important issues that are surrounding me.  It does seem to rear its ugly head when I least expect it.  If you would have seen me in October or even at Christmas, you would find I am a totally different person.  The flashbacks affected me that much.  They were an awful chapter in my life.

Yesterday, we were talking about feelings of worthiness.  He asked why I felt the way I do.  He advised me that I was self-sabotaging!  (Nice, what the heck is that?)  I researched it :).  I know, shocker!  I'm still trying to figure it out, but again I have the looming question, why don't I feel worthy?  My Bishop asked me some very blunt questions regarding to my worthiness and the abuse.  I haven't felt worthy for most of my adult life.  I remember when I went thru for the first time, I couldn't believe I was there, and second, I hoped they would let me out.  What if I didn't do things right?  Would they let me out?  Every time I have gone it has been a terrifying experience for me because what if I didn't measure up?  What if I forgot something?  Now when I have had the images that I have had, put in my head, I am not going to lie, it is hard. 

You know people go to LDS family services to rid themselves of pornography addiction.  They overcome that and after going thru the repentance process, they can actually rid themselves of those images.  In my situation, the images that I have had, will never go away.  They aren't as vibrant as they were back in August, but they are never going away.  I think the hard thing for me is that I had no idea, but as I look back on my life, my entire life was formed around that abuse.  I truly believed that I had the perfect childhood, we had our struggles, but I idealized them. 

Again, my mind is racing.  So many things to think about.  Thinking of my 2nd to last therapy session with LDS family services, my marriage, my children, my job, where I stand in the whole scheme of things.  There is a lot to think about.  My emotions are very high.  I thought if I went for my walk this morning that it would change my outcome.  All I could think about on my walk is how stupid I was for not taking the necessary calcium on Saturday to avoid the muscle cramps for the last 2 days.  Today's walk hurt every muscle.  On my walk I also hoped that I could say that I had no fear.  There is one area on my walk that is an open field.  I will be honest, I get freaked out over that field on a daily basis.  Again, today, it was no exception.  On my walk I also had a moment where I was very uncomfortable with myself, if you remember a couple of weeks ago I had a moment where I freaked out and became uncomfortable in my own skin.  Today, I had another one of those moments.  Thankfully, it did not last as long as the last time and I was able to work thru it. 

Yesterday, I told you that I had lost it on Sunday night.  Well, what I failed to tell you was some of the comments my middle child said to me that night.  After she heard us fighting, she started to cry.  When I walked past her room and heard her crying I went in to talk to both my 12 and 9 yr olds.  My 9 year old was crying because she was afraid that she would wake up in the morning and I would not be there.  My 12 year old asked a tougher question.  "Why doesn't Heavenly Father love us anymore?"  Wow, first let me crawl out from under the rock I am under and see if I can help you understand.  How do I do this?  How do I help my little ones understand that this life is a trial?  How do I help my little ones understand that Heavenly Father loves us so much he wants us to be stronger?  How do I do this, when I can't answer it for myself?  How do I strengthen them and carry them thru this, when I am just as desparate to be carried as they are?

I turned to my Bishop on that one.  Well, he then advised me that I already know how to answer my child.  OK, so if I already know how to answer, how do I relate it to a child.  So many times a child is able to rely on the testimony of their parents to carry them thru the difficult times.  Much like the Stripling Warriors, a child should be able to say "we did not doubt, our Mother's knew it".  So, what do you do as a kid when both Mom and Dad are on the edge?  The easy answer would be to look to one of your leaders, but as a parent, OUCH!  Why can't my children say they didn't doubt? 

I don't want to sound like a hypocrite to my child.  She is questioning, just as much as I am questioning.  I know that this life is a test, as the Bishop pointed out, we did not come to this Earth to play.  But, we did come to this Earth to feel JOY.  Part of me wants to tell her to pray about it and figure it out on her own.  The other part of me, the Mother, hopes that I can be strong enough to help her thru this and that we can both learn from this experience just how much Heavenly Father loves all of us.

Yesterday was hard.  Lessons on the Atonement.  Please don't misunderstand, I am SOOOO grateful for the Savior and his atoning sacrifice, but I still have to learn how it applies to me. 

Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30, I made homemade rolls, ribbon jello, rice krispie treats, funeral potatoes, a bunny cake, and all of this before 9:00 am when I left for choir practice.  I came home, finished planning my lesson, finished getting ready for church, made scones for lunch, and was out the door by 12:20.  As I baked yesterday, I washed dishes in between everything I was doing. By 4:00 I was exhausted.  I went in and laid down for an hour, ate dinner, and by 6:00 my 4 yr old was ready for a nap.  I got her down, let her sleep until 7:30 got up and went to my parents.  I came home at 10:00 and nothing was done.  The left over dinner had not been put away, the dishes had not been done, the kids weren't in bed, no one had showered, and needless to say, I LOST IT.

I love my husband, but his motivation towards our family and our marriage right now sucks!  All the times that we went to marriage therapy, he did his homework once.  When I lost it, I advised him that  he has a hard time showing me that our marriage is important to him.  He came up with some magnificent idea that he is going to use to make us tons of money, "he's been working on it."  He's been working on it for 21 years.  He can sit home and come up with ideas, but I still have to work.  When I got frustrated and advised him that the last time he actually saw my parents was Christmas, he went off.  He stated that I know why he doesn't want to go up to my parents.  Yes, I do know he does not want to see my brother's sons.  But, you know, I am the one that was abused by my brother, if I can work thru it, then why can't he.  That is when he went off and told me that he hates that he can't touch me and how he makes me nervous, etc.  OK, now my abuse, is all about him.  Look around you, do you not see that the way you are treating me, the abuse is continuing?  When do I become important?  Yesterday was a holiday for everyone but me.  So many times I feel like I am nothing more than a pay check that walks in the door and pays the bills.  Even then, work is going oh so well, that I wish I didn't have a need for a pay check. 

My emotions are all over the place.  On Saturday morning when I woke up and took 2 tums I chose to not have any more calcium that day.  To be honest, I didn't care if I had kidney pain for days, I didn't want to drink my excess amounts of water to flush out my kidneys.  It was too much work for me, and so I didn't have the calcium.  Needless to say, by the time I finally took it last night, the tingling was excessive.  Last night, the muscle cramps lasted thru the night, evidently I let my calcium number get too low.  My body hurts so bad today.  It does not help that my emotions are the driving force behind all that I do.

Tomorrw, I meet with my LDS family services therapist for the 2nd to last time.  Evidently, there is a process to this termination of therapy.  Remember, those of us with borderline have feelings of abandonment.  I have found that we also try to avoid the abandonment which means to put it simply, I would rather stop the relationship then someone stopping it for me.  (I hope that makes sense!)  I don't want to do this.  Please don't get me wrong, I love my new therapist, and she is going to be awesome, but I hate goodbye's.  I am so not prepared for this.  I can't believe that this is happening.  I had no idea that there was a limit to my visits.  How come no one prepared me for this? 

Last night, after I cooled down I went in to my girls room.  They all cried themselves to sleep.  Look at what I did to them.

The Sabbath day.  Easter Sunday.  Even as I sit here writing this post, I can look up and see two pictures of Christ in my living room.  I am a wreck of emotions.  I have thoughts of my Sunday School lesson running thru my head, thoughts of the Atonement and its meaning this Easter day, thoughts of the woman that I am, and thoughts of the woman that I want to become.  I'm not going to lie, I have some apprehension still of Sacrament meeting.  Can I really be the only one that struggles with this feeling of unworthiness?  I have already started crying today, which isn't a good sign.  I am hoping that I can sit somewhere indiscretely so I don't have someone watch me get emotional.  To be honest, I kind of put a lot of pressure on me for this day.  Last week, I worked so hard to prepare myself for conference weekend.  I really was a wreck during the October session and I did not want the same thing to happen this time.  It's funny because you ask people what they got out of Conference and each person will tell you something differently.  That is what is so amazing about the Gospel.  One person approached me this week and asked how I felt on all the talks of family.  Funny, I don't remember them because for me all the talks pointed to adversity and forgiveness.  (I really hate my damn it moments!)  This is not good, it's only 7:00 am and I have already soaked one kleenex. 

Yesterday, when I had my session with my new therapist I said to her.   I wished that I could say that these memories of abuse never existed.  That they were a made up story.  When I had my damn it moment just a second ago was because when I wrote the word forgiveness it stirred up all of my emotions.  Right now, there is just so much to forgive.  It is hard.  Why can't I go back to where in my head I had the perfect childhood?  I really can't believe as I sit here how much of my childhood I don't remember.  I wish my memories would have stayed repressed.  This really would have been so much easier, or if they had to come forward, I wish it didn't involve so many people.  There are some people that I need to forgive, that I know have no idea that they even need to be sorry.  I wish it weren't my brother.  If I would have been raped by a complete stranger then it would only be between me and that stranger.  Instead the whole dynamics of my family have been shaken.  Who was supposed to protect me?

In therapy, I have learned that I self-injure a lot.  I have definitely been made aware.  I hate the fact that right now, even though I have been made aware of my self injury, it feels better than the other emotions that I have.  And, I'm sorry you have to know about it.  I just had to get it out of my head.  It sucks!

I went and met with my new therapist this morning.  I was so nervous, Thankfully, I knew her and my heart was set at ease.  We talked about the anxiety that I felt from this last week.  I talked to her about some of the information that I received in regards to borderline personality.  She pulled out her book and we went thru the descriptions of borderline personality.  You have to be able to say "yes" to 5 of 9 charachteristics.  Well, I definitely could.  But what she pointed out was my misconception of exactly what borderline personality is.  It doesn't say that people with borderline are manipulative, or tells stories.  Much like what I was lead to believe.  It does say that those of us with this issue have problems dealing with emotions, we struggle with feelings of abandonment (my impression is we think that the people that we get close to we feel we won't keep them forever if we do something to upset them, or we work extra hard to keep them in our lives.)  One of the things that I struggle wrapping my mind around is the feelings of self worth.  To be honest, I thought that most women felt the same way I do about their bodies.  I thought that most people were concerned about what people thought of them.  I thought that most people struggled with not liking their bodies.  I thought that most members of the church questioned their worthiness for the sacrament and most importantly a temple recommend.  What I am finding, is that I was so wrong.  To me, the Sacrament is such a sacred ordinance.  It is such a huge ordeal to covenant that we will live each day to be like the Savior, that as we take upon us his name, that we will truly live each day worthy of his spirit. 

I evidently have a lot to work on because evidently, my thoughts are a little misconstrued. 

When I was talking to my new therapist I mentioned that I had not had my first flashback until after I had been in therapy a couple of weeks and was asked to do my homework in the book Healing the Child Within.  She then said to me, the book did what it was supposed to do.  My appointment was this morning, and now 8 hours later, I think that the knowledge of that statement sucks.  Did I really carry myself as one that was abused, and didn't even know it?  How can I not know I was abused?  If it were my daughter what would I do?  I still have so many questions that I want to ask of my old therapist.  I asked him once and I don't have the answer but why is it so important for me to heal my inner child?  There are still so many things that I have not processed and I have 2 visits to do it in.  There are so many things that I started with my old therapist and due to circumstances in our sessions we have not processed.  To be honest I think it sucks! 

Last night, my eating sucked.  I starved myself most of the day.  So, then I finally eat and I did eat.  I didn't think I went overboard but I woke up with major heartburn at about 4:00.  Well, for so many heartburn is nothing you take some tums and go to bed.  For me, I debated for 45 minutes if I could live with the heartburn, or did I want to take 2 tums and suffer the complications of having extra calcium going thru my kidneys because that is the only place my calcium was going to go.  Again, that sucks!  My calcium is so regulated.  I know exactly the right amount of calcium I need on a daily basis.  When I end up taking more, my kidneys hurt for days as I force it thru. 

I asked my friend why they say that therapy is such hard work, is it because I cry all the time?  She said she couldn't explain it just that the mind and body are connected.  It doesn't seem like hard work to go and talk about your issues until you realize that your sessions never end.  There is so much work to do.  I have been asked to have some goals for my next session.  One of the deciding factors for me this last week in regards to my options and why I knew I needed to keep going to therapy was because my ultimate goal is to feel worthy of my temple recommend, and to not be afraid of attending the temple.  I had no idea how bad I want that to happen for me.  I also had no idea how deep the pain really is.  That is the reason why I started on this journey, was because I didn't feel worthy of a temple recommend, now I have one and haven't used it.  I have a lot to work on.  I hope I am ready, because there are other goals that I need write, including my relationship with my daughters and husband, my goals for work, and then my goal to forgive.  (gosh I hope I can do it.  Right now, the pain is still too fresh.  I even told my therapist today that I wish in my heart that I could say it was a story that I had made up.)

Todays post might be a long one.  I would apologize but as I thought about this blog I reminded myself that this blog is for me and so if it takes 3 computer screens until I feel I am done writing, then it takes me that long.  And, realistically, you can stop reading at any time.  It is just so necessary for me to do this, for myself.

I did not post yesterday.  This week has been rough.  I have been going thru my thoughts, and yes I have been in my head A LOT.  My friend talks me out of my tree on a daily basis.  She is a good woman, and once again, I can't tell you how blessed I am to have her in my life. 

Yesterday, was another one of those days where I was in my head.  I still questioned my decision in regards to therapy.  I will be honest, the reason why I questioned my decision is because when I learned that I could not see my therapist and he gave me his options, I was the one that thought up my option 3.  I know it's crazy to think this but you know I am working on my "thinking errors" and I wondered if my option 3 was really going to be OK for all involved.  I still pray that this is the way my Heavenly Father wants me to go.  I put an awful lot on his shoulders.  My LDS Bishop, is an amazing, humble man that has been thru a lot with me.  So many times in our religion we tend to question why someone was called to a certain position.  I have no doubt that this man was called to be MY Bishop as I ventured on this journey.  Just as our prior Bishop was called to be the Bishop when my sister passed away.

In one of my prior therapy sessions my counselor advised me that I did not let my Bishop in.  I needed clarification because my Bishop has been with me thru this entire process.  He has heard it all, seen it all, bought me my own box of kleenex, and given me so many priesthood blessings, he knows it all.  Every step along the way, he has been there and pretty much held my hand thru it all. 

Yesterday, I had a moment where I felt like I could not do this anymore.  I sent an email to my Bishop advising my concerns.  He responded with what came across to me as a harsh email.  I admit, I let my head get the best of me, and I climbed higher in my tree.  My friend tried to talk me down, but I had climbed pretty high.  She pointed out another tendency that I have towards Borderline Personality, where I like to prove myself.  She advised me that I pretty much needed to rise above that.  That will be a hard one for me.  As I said to her I would hope that my values would speak louder than my words, and you know the way I have lived my life, I still believe that my values will speak louder for me.

So, once again I am in my tree, and yesterday, I was stuck, it was bad.  I didn't want to do this anymore.  I felt like I had been dealt a crappy hand, by pretty much everyone that existed in my life.  And I am going to just write this once but I felt abandoned.  (I only want to write that once because to me it is an ugly word.) I felt that I was being thrown to the curb like yesterdays garbage.  I sent a text to my Bishop advising him that I felt that I was being treated a little unfairly.  This man, that was called of God, did something for me that I will always be eternally grateful.  This man, sent me back a very deep text and honestly, I was CHASTENED!  I also knew I was being chastened because as soon as I saw that text a scripture came into my head "I the Lord will chasten".  It was as though it came from my Heavenly Father, and you know what, I totally needed it.  I could not believe it.  If the Bishop wanted me out of my tree, he knew just how to do it because it was immediate.  It wasn't like I was being punished, it was like how you feel when someone throws cold water on you.  Everything made sense to me. 

At one point this week when I questioned my options I advised the Bishop that I did not trust my own judgement and so I was relying on him to help me thru this.  We talked thru the options and both of us came up with the same impression.  But, I forgot one thing, I questioned my decision all week.  What I forgot was what my therapist was trying to teach me when he told me to let my Bishop in.  When I didn't trust me, I went to the Bishop.  I know the Bishop was called of God and he knows the entire situation, when he made the decision for the direction for me to go, I needed to accept that as the FINAL decision.  I didn't, which caused all my heartache this week.  I didn't trust.  Bishop pointed that out too. 

I have cried so much in the last 24 hours.  I am trying to help myself, and my family thru all of this.  Even last night as I laid in bed and my husband was advising me how hard it is going to be to forgive my brother for what he has done to me and my family, I understand that this is not just about me.  (Bishop pointed that out too) I know that my actions are affecting my family.  My family is going thru hell right now.  We have been thru hell before, but this time seems to be going on for a longer duration.  I don't know how it's going to end up either.  The last time my family went thru hell I could still control the situation.  I could stop the missionary discussions, and I did.  This time, I have no control (so not fair!) This time there are so many more ups and downs.  And yes, I know that I struggle with control and trust (Bishop!). 

As I look back on this post I want to point out a couple of things.  First, I have often said that I often feel like I can't hold on to the iron rod.  Thankfully, there was someone there that took my hand and helped me hold on when I didn't think I could.  Second, I am so grateful for the lesson that I learned yesterday in regards to being chastened.  Look up the scriptures and read the ones on being chastened.  I did, and you know what, it was a blessing, that even though it hurt, and was a total slap in the face, I was truly blessed. 

Is it normal to wake up every day with your mind racing?  Probably not, but nothing about me and my life is normal right now.  So many questions, so many prayers, so many fears, as I said to my friend yesterday, my life is a mess.  I know I say that often, and I am sorry that my life is a mess, especially for one who loves to have control. 

Last week was General Conference, this week is the most sacred weeks of all Christian history.  The week of our Savior's triumphal entry, Palm Sunday, the week of the ultimate betrayal by one of his beloved apostles, the atoning sacrifice in Gethsemane, the crucifixion, but then the blessed Resurrection.  You need to know, that I know, he conquered it all.  He truly is my Savior.  He is the only reason that I can wake in the morning and know that there is a purpose, a reason behind everything that happens.  That because of him, I can grow thru my trials, and he lifts me, even when I feel that I just can't go on.

This week, I have to admit, I have been researching when good therapy goes bad.  Please don't misunderstand, I am grateful for the treatment that I have received, but this week has been hard.  I am trying to understand a lot right now.  I have cried more tears thru this trial than I have ever in my life.  As I said, I have questioned my actions, are they my actions because I want them, or are they my actions because my Heavenly Father wants them for me?  This week I have even questioned if my choices will adversely affect others.  I have been told that all of my choices with therapy are my choices.  Now, I know sports, and I am telling you, I had a major curve ball sent my way.  Now the question is do I hit the ball out of the park, strike out, or hope the umpire calls a ball and let it pass me by?  To be honest, those who know me, know that I am not an athlete, music is my thing, I play the piano, not a ball game, and I am here to tell you, I hope the umpire calls a ball and lets it pass.  You may laugh but many moons ago, when I was in Young Women we played softball.  Do you know how many times I hoped that the pitcher would hit me so I could just get on base and not have to swing at the ball?  I would gladly take a bruise, not a big deal to me.  Besides, we were girls, and it was church ball, it was not often you would find a competitive pitcher, so it wouldn't hurt too bad.  I totally went off on a tangent, but hey, that's ok, it's me.  My point is, yesterday, I think my therapy may have gone a little bad.  It wasn't because I was pushed to do better, because I have had that experience, I understand that experience.  I don't want to elaborate because even though some things were said, and maybe some boundaries were crossed, that is not who I am.  Please don't get me wrong, my heart pleads that the option that I chose in regards to my therapy, will still work for me.  I have been thru a lot to make this decision.  My Heavenly Father knows it and right now I have to just pray that the rug doesn't get pulled out from beneath me again.  It's pretty bad that I may need therapy to deal with termination from therapy.  And, it's not supposed to be that way at all.  (I know, I have researched that as well :) )

One thing is certain, I have been learning a lot about me.  I was talking to my sister the other night.  She is the only sibling that knows of the abuse and knows the hell that I have been thru.  I have not shared a lot with her but she knows enough.  We were talking about my therapy and she was questioning my therapy a little.  I had to point out to her that I have done therapy my way.  My first flashback was an answer to a prayer.  I have questioned everything about my faith, the Gospel that I knew, my testimony, I could go on and on.  My deepest feelings are ones of self worth, worthiness to stand in holy places because as I have said, this life is the life to prepare for our Eternity.  My sister than said something that  has really made me think.  She said that this is my first trial of my faith.  I reminded her of so many of my trials, but this is the first trial of my faith.  Think about it, we all have trials, but it isn't until after the trial of our faith, that we truly come to know.  (I hate that she is my little sister and she knew this, I am supposed to be the smart one).  I do have some fears when it comes to my new direction with therapy, I am not going to lie.  But, I think that the choice that I have made can not only help me but can also help another.  And realistically, that is why we are here on this Earth, is to help each other.  Sometimes we don't help each other, we hurt each other.  Sometimes the pain is superficial, and sometimes the pain is deep.  Right now, I feel both the superficial pain, and the deep pain.  I know that because of that atoning sacrifice I can heal, and I can be a better person.  As the director of family services said to me, when all is said and done, and I leave this "frail existence", I can honestly say and I quote "I am in it for the hug!".  That would truly be my greatest reward for all of this.  For my Heavenly Father and my Savior to truly know me, to call me by name and embrace me.  That my friends is what all of this is about!!!

So, I have more questions today than I had yesterday.  I'm just going to go with my thoughts and hopefully my post will not be too long.  My day started yesterday with my Family Dr.  he is a good man and is one that I can talk to.  He has been keeping close eyes on my situation as I have chosen not to take any medications to help me thru this.  This is a personal preference for me and something that I have chosen, this is not for everyone, sometimes medication is necessary, and I am still not discounting that I may need to do that for myself, but for now it is what I have chosen.  I watched as my sister struggled and eventually died because of prescription drug usage, that is why I have chosen this direction.  My Family Dr was very compassionate as I told him of my struggles and he said to me " therapy is crucial for you."  So, there is where I feel that I have been directed.

My brother in law works for LDS family services.  I called him to get some free advice.  He was very good to listen, because he knows first hand my family.  So, I talked with him about my being turned away from LDS family services.  He advised me that it is common to refer clients to long term therapy.  So, I told him my 3 options and told him that I was pointing to my 3rd option.  Well, he advised me that my 3rd option may not be an option for ethical reasons.  Well, you know me, I don't want the rug pulled out from me again, so I asked him what he felt I should do.  He told me to turn to my therapist and then to turn to the director of LDS family services, and that the director is the only one that can make those decisions for LDS family services.

I left a message for my therapist, and then I called the director.  I was on the phone with him for 2 hours.  I talked to him about my situation.  He advised me that I had at least 3 very complex issues. We talked about my struggle to believe my repressed memories.  He then asked me a very poignant question, he asked me to tell him the first name of my best friend between the ages of 12-15.  He wanted to know who it was that I shared everything about me.  Then I advised him that I couldn't name even one close friend between those ages.  He said that is how he knew that my memories were not false, because you do tell your best friend everything.  I'm sorry, I just had a break through and had to sit and cry for a moment.  He then advised me that I needed to turn to my husband, and that he was free therapy.  Two weeks ago, when I met with my individual therapist, he advised me that I never let anyone in, including my husband.  I'm sorry, I am really struggling to write because, I just realized that I don't know how to do that.

Conference weekend has come and gone.  It was rough, I cried thru most of it.  I admit, I did sleep thru some of today's morning session.  I have cried a lot this weekend.  Yesterday when President Eyring stated that he had prayed for a "mountain" as he called it, I thought about my "mountain".  I too prayed but not expecting the "mountain" that I got.  I am not kidding, my heart hurts so bad.  Maybe I wasn't ready for my mountain.  Maybe my foundation wasn't as sturdy as I thought it was because right now I totally feel like I am on sand. 

I know this is bad, and please understand that I am really struggling to understand a lot.  Please do not take anything I say as doctrine, I just need a place to put my thoughts.  First, I am so confused.  I still find it hard to believe my repressed memories.  That is it, they were repressed.  I don't know why they ever had to surface.  I think of my married life and the last 20 years I was able to do it all, and I was OK with it.  I was the working Mom, the wife that supported her husband, I did the homework, school projects, cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked the meals, served on the PTA, served my church callings, I never needed help from the Church to survive, I was the one that helped the members.  I will never forget the first visit to the Bishop's storehouse.  It was such a humbling experience.  As I watched families who only wanted to provide for their families, I became "one of the least of these."  I get that I needed to have that experience so that I could be humbled.  I know that I was blessed to have that experience.  OK, one experience that I was grateful for. 

So, then I have the repressed memories surface.  I know that I was guided to LDS Family Services, or at least I thought I was directed.  Now, when I am in the middle of this process, I am being told that their work is done.  But, mine is just beginning.  I am so cautious that I researched everything from the very beginning.  I researched Post Traumatic Stress, I researched EMDR, I researched Sexual Abuse, but everything I researched was based on my religious beliefs.  My LDS faith has always meant so much to me.  Now, I don't know.  I have been taught about agency.  My brother and his friends took my agency.  Do you have any idea how it feels when your husband comes up behind you to give you a kiss on the neck and you are startled so deeply that you cringe?  Can you imagine how that makes your husband of 21 years feel?  He hasn't talked much to me today.  That's always a good sign.  How am I supposed to trust?  I haven't needed to trust anyone because I did it all myself and when I did it, I was cautious.  I know the Holy Ghost tried to tell me when I was in danger when my brother and his friend raped me.  When I didn't ask Heavenly Father his desires with regards to the mission discussions for that young girl how do I trust that I will make the right decisions now?  To be honest, I don't even know I feel the spirit anymore.  Because I have screwed that up a time or two.  Now, when I think that I have started back on the right track, my church, tells me that I can't continue down this path.  Start a new path.  Really, this was supposed to be my journey.  Can I ask, who screws up therapy?  I'm sure there are not many people that can say that they were told they would have to go elsewhere from their church.  I read so many talks where the Apostles say for you to go to your Bishop.  I did that, the Bishop is not an expert so he has LDS Family Services to help with that.  Now, my Bishop doesn't have that option.  So, now what? 

You have no idea how much I wonder if this is the answer to my prayer.  That if I walk away from therapy then I have the extra time to get a second job.  Then the conference talks remind me that a Mother's place is in the home, but wait, I can't do that, because I need to provide for my family.  I then go to work, which I am not supposed to be there I should be home, and I hear from my boss telling me that I am not giving him my best.  But, I am told in therapy that I am doing my best.  The day my little one had stitches in her chin, I should have been with her, but I was at work, and then when my child called telling me about the emergency at home, I was told by my boss that I needed to teach my children that I am at work.  I am told I need to get a new job, but then I need to spend time with my family, but then I am told that I need to take care of myself, but then when I do things for myself I am selfish and only thinking of myself.  Someone please remind me why I can't take all the pills in my cupboard.