I thought I could do it, I thought that I could keep my blog closed, but I can't.  I was confronted with a situation where someone thought that I was sharing a lot of information about my marriage on this blog.  This person meant well, but they did not understand the person that I am, they probably still don't really understand.  I am a very private person, there is a lot that someone that reads this blog and even if they went thru every day and tried to read between the lines, they would still not really know me.  They don't know how my marriage really is, because that is not something I share with a lot of people.  This blog is more about me, the trial I have been asked to carry, and my journey thru it. 

There are days where I am just not sure I can do this thing called life.  I have been having a lot of those days lately.  Today, I was texting a dear friend and she mentioned that she also had some longing that nothing could ever satisfy.  I asked her if she would ever be able to satisfy that longing.  She advised me that her therapist told her that that it is a lot like swiss cheese.  You can have a full life, but you will still have the holes.  Unfortunately, that is something that I can understand.  I hate that I can understand it. 

As I said in my prior post, I am finally done with all of the antibiotics.  After 3 weeks, it feels good to be done and to have all of that in the past.  Granted, now I am getting the bills, and they are not pretty!  The last time I was on antibiotics for an extended period of time for an ear infection, I ended up getting a pocket of infection in my intestine.  I am not going to lie, I totally think I am headed in that direction again.  My stomach has been hurting me for the last couple days and I have some other issues that I feel like my body is freaking out!  I really need my body to cooperate with me.  I need my walks to the Temple again.  I need to feel better.  I need to not be exhausted.  I need to not be on Tylenol and Advil.  I was on some pretty strong antibiotics for the last 3 weeks and I was warned that it was killing all of the bacteria in my body.  I was warned that my immune system would be compromised this winter.  I was advised that I should have a flu shot because of the severe compromise I was at an increased risk for anything viral but that I had to wait until all of the antibiotics were out of my system.  Well, not only did the antibiotics kill the bad bacteria but it also killed the good bacteria.  I thought about buying probiotics when I had my antibiotics filled, and refilled, but I was so tired of having pills, that I passed.  Now, my body is regretting it.  I can't stand yogurt, but after what the antibiotics did to my calcium levels, my body could have used that yogurt.  As I said, I really need my body to cooperate with me.

We went to marriage therapy yesterday.  She was pretty blunt with me.  I am finding that people feel that they have to be blunt with me when it comes to therapy.  My problem is that I am going thru so much in my head that NOONE could be harder on me, than me!  My mind is not stupid.  Everyone has defense mechanisms that they use to protect themselves.  Sometimes in therapy, the defense mechanisms get broken down, or they get "torn down" and you are left exposed.  That is what therapy is supposed to do, that means it is working.  But, sometimes, you just need that defense mechanism, that security blanket.  Sometimes, that is the only thing that helps you to feel safe and loved.  I understand it is not good to have these "securities", but sometimes you just need a rest. 

I know I already posted today, but again, my head is spinning.  Today is one of my daughters birthdays.  We have been busy doing Birthday things for her today.  My husband is now gone for the day and night doing his basketball games.  I have been so confused for months as I sort thru my particular trials in life.  My husband is struggling with me, our marriage has been struggling for months.  Every day, he stands over me, as he is a foot taller than me, and waits for a kiss.  I am not going to lie, there are days where I just can't do it.  I don't know what love is.  As I dealt with my eye infection, and watched the actions of my husband, and children, I have asked myself more than once, is that love?  Does he really love me?  Is it just words?  Is he saying it to check in with me and make sure he is still OK with me?  This afternoon as he stood over me waiting for me to give him a kiss, I admit, I was a little mad.  Our daughter's birthday is not a big surprise, it happens the same day every year.  Our family always goes to dinner at the choice of the Birthday girl's choosing.  Today, he didn't have time for that.  Just 2 days ago, he complained that the children don't even talk to him any more, hello!  It's called making time for them.  This life is all about choices.  He made his choice tonight, just as he has done so many times.  This time is different because he has a day job now, so now, he can't say that this is his job and that he has to go, he chose his schedule.  When do I become important?  When do my daughters become important?

I have so many thoughts going thru my head.  I have headaches all the time.  My eye itches, and my arm is still tender from the PICC line but I am on the mend physically, mentally is another situation.  I hate that I am still trying to figure out my role in this family.  My husband has a job, and he likes it, but there is so much more to it than that.  He has worked all day every day this week except Thanksgiving, and then he comes home, changes his shirt, and heads off to his game.  I have still been working my 2 jobs.  I usually get to my 2nd job early enough that I can get a ride to work, and then I usually walk home from work.  It is a nice walk.  It has been fun walking down the street with Christmas lights.  I didn't enjoy the holidays very much last year, to be honest, I even reflected on the night before Thanksgiving about where I was last year.  The night before Thanksgiving, I spent the night in EMDR.  It was a particularly hard session, I can still remember everything about it. 

Yesterday, as I talked with my individual therapist, I cried a lot.  We sat in silence a lot.  At one point she turned to me and reminded me how strong I was.  I am tired of being strong.  I don't want to be strong any more. 

So, the PICC line is out.  Still on oral antibiotics.  I went to the eye Dr last week and he felt it was OK for me to have the PICC line out and continue with the course of action with the oral antibiotics.  However, he cautioned me that if anything went "South, even by 1 degree" to contact him.  This morning I took my last dose of antibiotic.  My eye still has some redness.  My Dr is out of the office and so I called the on call Dr.  The on call Dr kind of freaked out and worries that they pulled the IV antibiotics too early, so he ordered me another round of antibiotics.  He again cautioned me, even a headache I was to go back to the ER.  I have had headaches every day, my eyes get tired and strained.  I am worn out!  I am down to Tylenol for the pain which is manageable. 

Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  To say I am not stressed would be an understatement.  I haven't spoken more than 10 words to the "inlaws" in about a year.  They are nice people, they just have some issues with me.  They have always had some issues with me.  I find out more and more all the time.  The last issue that they did not agree with, I backed out of a contract to purchase their home.  There were so many things that was so back handed with the contract.  I stuck to my values and my marriage has suffered.  The relationship has become very strained that even when they call my home they don't call themselves Grandma and Grandpa, they use their first names.  Tell your dad to call "***"!  Really, my kids have never called their grandparents by their first names.  It is especially difficult for the older ones because they are used to them being their grandparents, not an acquaintance. 

I am still on IV antibiotics.  I am exhausted.  My family is ready for me to be done with this mess of a life.  I went back to work at both jobs.  The cleaning job wore me out and I was very cautious with my PICC line.  Being on IV's and having to sit for at least 1 1/2 hours while the medicine flows slowly thru my veins, I have a lot of time to reflect. 

As I have reflected, I have done some very deep thinking.  My mind has gone back to our last marriage therapy session.  I remember asking in our session, "why don't you want to take care of me?"  He keeps telling others that I am not the kind of girl that wants expensive things.  That's when I ask "what if I do want those kind of things?"  Why am I not worth that to him?  Last week after being sick for over a week, my husband had been gone all day and into the night as he had his day job, and then his sports.  Keep in mind, I had been on IV's for days, they had to cut my arm to put the PICC line in, my identity had been stolen, my medical records had been given to another person by a hospital staff member, and I was still supposed to work my job, be a Mom, clean the house, the dishes, the laundry.  My body hurt, I didn't even have peripheral vision until 4 days ago, you literally could have stood right next to me on my left side and I would not have seen you.  Back to my point, the question from our session, still ringing thru my mind-"why don't you want to take care of me?"  I pointed out that the entire time I had been sick, he had not been home, his comment "I am doing what you wanted me to do, you wanted me to work 24/7".  Ok, I did want him to get a "day job", but again, I ask "why don't you want to take care of me?"

When I think of this question, it brings up a lot of awful feelings.  Feelings of the past come flooding back which don't make for pleasant experiences.  Feelings for a desire to want to have been taken care of before, it didn't happen, so I made due with what I could do.  I took care of myself. 

So I posted last Thursday.  On Thursday night, I did what every woman would do, I tweezed my eyebrows.  That is about the only normal thing about the events of the weekend.  On Friday, I woke up and my eye was swollen so I had an infection brewing.  I called my regular Dr and he had no appointments available so I decided I would tough it out.  Friday afternoon, my eye got considerably worse so I called Instacare.  It was starting to hurt really bad and they asked me to come in.  I waited in the waiting room for about 1/2 hour when they called me back.  They took me to the eye room and there I sat.  The Dr came in put on her hand sanitizer and advised me that she would not be touching my eye.  She explained that she feared that I had "peri orbital cellulitis" and she then advised me that what I had was very serious and that I had 15 minutes to get to the ER.  She asked which one I wanted to go to and that she would call ahead but again reminded me I had 15 minutes to get there.  I dropped off my kids at home and headed in to LDS Hospital.  I did change my pants and put on my slippers because I wanted to comfy at the ER.  I am glad that I did because I got in to the ER and the Dr looked at it.  He attempted to lance it.  The nurse came in to discharge me and advised me that the Dr was not able to get a culture and so he wanted me to come back in on Saturday for a follow up.  The nurse then advised me that what I had was very serious and the Dr was tempted to start me on IV antibiotics on Friday so it was very important that I followed up on Saturday. 

I went home and slept.  On Saturday morning I woke up at 3:16 and my eye had gotten worse.  I debated on waking my family but decided to let them sleep.  My niece's kids came at 6:00 and I started taking care of them.  By 7:00 my eyes were both beginning to be affected.  I woke my husband and advised him that I needed to go to the ER because it was getting worse.

When I showed up at the ER they took me back to the eye room.  The Dr came in and said that we needed to pull out the "big guns" for this infection.  He then advised me that I would be going to have IV antibiotics.  I was relieved, but still trying to be strong.  My eyes were killing me.  They took me back to the ER and started my IV.  I was then informed that I would have 2 antibiotics, on top of the 2 oral that I was already taking and that the medication would take over 4 hours to be administered.  So, I settled in.  The  nurses were so kind.  Saturday the pain got worse while I was in the ER so I asked for an Ibuprofen.  The nurse advised me that they had better pain fighting medication.  My thoughts turned immediately to my sister.  When she died she had been taking "prescription" narcotics every 4 hours for months.  Realistically, we all knew that she was addicted to pain medication.  We tried to help her but it had gotten too far and she died.  Granted her health was not good, but the prescription narcotics are in my families mind what killed her.  The nurse was very kind and advised me that she would give me a very small dose.  She told me that because of the amount of pain I was in, there was no way I was going to get a high from it because the medication actually worked on the pain receptors.  I understood that, and I was grateful that she convinced me to do it.  I rested for the rest of the time until I was finished with my IV.  They then advised me that I would be going home but would be back every 12 hours throughout the weekend until I could be seen by my family Dr on Monday. 

I must admit, the hardest day was on Sunday.  Each visit in the ER I had a different Dr.  The Dr's were great.  The Dr on Sunday was very sarcastic.  I understood him, but after being in the ER and listening to people thru the curtain, there were some that did not appreciate his humor.  When he made his round to my curtain, he knew that he could get a culture, and he was determined to get a culture.  My sweet friend took me on Sunday and he came in and he squoze until he could get a sample.  He got the sample and I was in so much pain, I thought I would die.  He had the nurse give me morphine in my IV.  The sad thing, is that it didn't touch the pain I was in, so they gave me a new dose.  That lasted me for a while.  But, after the 4 hour infusion, I was ready for more pain meds. 

My favorite part of my visits were the nurses!  They were awesome.  These young girls were so kind and took such good care of me.  I was told by more than one nurse that they loved taking care of me because it is not very often they get a pleasant patient. 

On Monday, I saw my Family Dr and he lined me up with home health.  They taught me how to administer my own IV's and I was good until Tuesday, I blew the vein where the IV was going.  The home health care nurses advised me that the antibiotics that I had going thru my veins was not good for the small veins.  The nurse came in and got a new IV started but suggested a PICC line.  She called my Dr and he advised them that we would just watch it.  Well, Wednesday, I blew another vein, the last of my good ones.  I called home health and they called my Dr.  My Dr then made the decision to just "pull the IV's" and do oral antibiotics.  I was still taking pain meds every 4 hours with a low grade fever, I was not comfortable with that decision.  I called back in to LDS Hospital and they took over my care once again.  I got in there and they decided that I needed a PICC line so I was taken up to the infusion services floor and there I had a PICC line placed.  I will admit, it is so much easier to do, and I no longer need to be poked.  I am on IV antibiotics until at least Monday.  I felt better about the decision.

I have had a mess of emotions thru this.  On Friday, I felt so stupid going to the ER for a small infection.  My husband had a game on Friday night and all I could think of is that we needed to hurry so he could have the car.  On Saturday, I didn't want to put anyone out so I waited to go to the ER until I just couldn't handle it.  On Sunday, my sweet friend took me and sat with me and was so caring.  When my friend came in to bring me home on Sunday she saw my house.  Needless to say, she got my Ward involved and we have had helpers bring in meals and help my kids clean.

It was a rough week.  My kids have been good for the most part, but there have been a couple rough moments where they have been down right mean to me.  I have been called a "jerk", I have been told to "shut up", and been told that I need to be helping them clean.  I have been told that I should be grateful for my husband because he is the only one that worked this week. 

Two nights ago, our family had a huge blow out.  That night I had had enough.  I left my house to be with my friends.  I had no energy but told them I just needed to sit somewhere dark and quiet.  So, there I sat.  I had finally had enough and my pain was getting worse so they brought me home.  I walked in to my home and all HELL broke loose.  My own husband told me to shut up, and called me a jerk.  This is the man that should in all rights be fighting to keep his marriage.  My daughters were awful and cruel to me.  I struggled to find anyone in my home that actually cared for me.  When it came time to do my nighttime infusion I had had it.  I was done, and I didn't care if I lived or died.  Why would I care, because no one else did?  So, I sent a text to my therapist and she gave me the crisis hotline number.  I also had sent a text to my sweet friend that had spent the day with me on Sunday and she called me.  I promised her I would do the IV. 

I have been going thru some things that are very personal and very private.  Things that even being anonymous to most of the cyber world still leaves me at a loss for words on this blog.  Because, there are still some of you that know of my identity.  I know that the ones that know of my identity are very dear people that would not judge, but still so many things that cannot be spoken. 

We had our last scheduled appointment with our marriage therapist.  We did not schedule any further because my husband has chosen to pursue another job that forces him to work while our therapist is working.  I am still numb to a lot of things.  To be honest, it doesn't matter how I feel about this choice that he made, I just have to pray that he knows what he is doing.  Realistically, no matter what happens, he is an adult that can make his own choices.  I really don't think that we are strong enough to go at this on our own.  But, what do I know?  My husband says that things will be different.  So, I am once again, going to therapy on my own.  Fixing my own stuff! 

I was asked if I was punishing my husband and that is why I wasn't happy that he got this new job.  I have thought about that a lot, and honestly, I sat up until 1:00 in the morning crying as I talked with my husband.  My husband was given this job.  In my mind, he was handed a "fish".  Granted, he was handed a "fish" at the DI, but with that "fish", they were willing to help him grow, or "learn to fish".  He hasn't been "fishing" long enough, I really don't know that he is ready to go at it on his own.  He fought his job at the DI tooth and nail the entire 3 months he was there.  He didn't take advantage of the "fishing lessons" so to speak.  My husband is 52 and doesn't know how to work! 

In our session today, I really tried to stay focused as my husband talked "sports".  It was our last session, so much needs to be said, and now, much of it will be left unsaid.  As a Mom of all girls, I am watching my little ones grow.  My oldest is now in college.  She is consumed with her future "career".  In her mind, her career choice is in medical because then she doesn't have to work a lot of hours and still be a Mom.  My 2nd is challenged with difficulty learning.  Education does not come easy for her.  Don't get me wrong, she is a brilliant young woman, for her!  She was our preemie, I am honored to be her Mom because her first 2 weeks of life, I wondered if I ever would be able to be her Mom as she struggled with life.   What she has done with her life, will always be incredible, from that tiny one that fought for life.  I don't know if she will go to college.  Her dream career is to be a MOM.  She even talks about taking care of her older sister's kids while she works.  She just wants to be  MOM.  Nothing else.  She has learned to sew and cook, because that is what she wants to be!  My girls have not had a good role model for a Dad.  They are confused.  Between these two daughters, I have one that is like me, has to figure it out on her own, and her husband will just be extra!,  Then, I have another that will need to rely heavily on a Husband!  I had to remind my oldest that her role is to only Help support her family, not to support her family.  These daughters are my world, my life, and the reason why I will continue growing thru this trial. 

My individual therapist is so good to me.  I was in my head so bad from my husband's comments that Wednesday, I almost lost my job.  I was so distracted that my Boss  was on me for a couple little mistakes.  My problem is, I didn't know how to get out of my head.  Wednesday night, I knew I needed help getting out of my head to go to marriage therapy on Thursday.  I am not going to lie, the comments that my husband spoke to me over the weekend hurt SO BAD!  I could not believe that he had said these hurtful comments to me and didn't care that he had said them.  I still don't know if I can save my marriage.  My individual therapist texted me thru the comments and gave me the strength to confront my husband about the comments.

We went in to marriage therapy and like my individual therapist said, I told the marriage therapist that I didn't want to be there, and that if I could have walked out, I would have.  I advised my marriage therapist of the comments that were said.  She turned as white as a ghost.  She turned to my husband and advised him that she was not mad but wanted to understand what would have possessed my husband to make those comments to me.  She then asked him to maybe rephrase the statement in a better way.  His comment instead of saying that my brother was "doing" me, he could have said when my brother was having "sex" with me, or was having "intercourse" with me.  I literally "shuttered" when he said those comments.  As we were talking in therapy, my husband also disclosed that he had actually found a boy that he believes was the other boy that raped me.  He advised me that he had also gone to this man's house.  I could not believe that this was happening.  I had to tell the marriage therapist about the other boy.  I told both my husband and the therapist about the HELL that I went thru to come to the decision not to pursue the other boy, now, I have to think about my husband pursuing him!  Are you kidding me?  Can someone please stop this nightmare?

Last night, as I cried myself to sleep, I laid there and pleaded with my Heavenly Father to please help me understand what exactly a "loving Heavenly Father is". 

So, my husband wants to continue talking about the abuse.  There are days where I just can't do it.  There are days where him even breathing on my neck makes me want to crawl.  I am still very much in my head from his comments from this last weekend.  I really want to cry!  As I have said, his sports schedule is starting to interfere with his "day job".  There are times where I feel like I am making him do something he really doesn't want to do.  It is almost as though I am punishing him by making him work.  Yesterday, after a particularly "heated" discussion, he advised me that he is angry that I don't "trust" him.  Do you know how much it hurts to know that I don't "trust" anyone?  I am working so hard to learn how to "trust", I am learning how to even "trust" myself, so how in the HELL am I supposed to do this any faster so as to not rock his world any more than I already have?  I asked him why knowing how I struggle to "trust" , he would "test" that trust with screwing up his job?  Of course, when I throw it back at him, he just sits there and doesn't say a thing, so again, it's all me!  I wonder if a marriage can even survive when I don't "trust".  I wonder if I push any harder will he "crack under pressure?"  Do you have any idea how many times I think every day that I have ruined his life?  I don't get a lot of support from him, and I don't get a lot of support from his side of the family.  The last full time job my husband had, I heard from his parents how awful the situation he was in, on a daily basis.  When his last job let him go, it was the best thing for him.  That was 10 years ago.  I am not going to say that he should have had a job for the last 10 years because I did take advantage of him being home with our children.  But, I do find it ironic that once again I am hearing how awful the situation is with my husband working, how he is so unhappy, and no one deserves to be treated like that!  HELLO!  You are 52 years old, if you don't like where you are working, get out and find another job that makes you happy!  He has said that he has been working on an application with Sports Authority.  He has been working on that application for 3 weeks.  Today, as I thought about Christmas and providing for my kids, I have to admit, I applied for a job at Target!  It took me 20 minutes, and that was even having to think about what hours I could work.  Sometimes I question if he is honest with me.  Again, it bothers him that I don't "trust" him.  To be honest, there are days where I just don't think I can keep this up any more. 

I am finding more and more that my husband needs to know more about my abuse.  Last night we talked.  He asked questions.  Questions of forgiveness,  & questions of betrayal by my brother.  The more we talked, the more triggered I became.  At one point, his comment to me was "I can tell you when he was DOING you, he was not thinking abuse."    In my head, I wanted to scream-"what does that mean?"  But, then, I am not stupid, I know what it means.  Are we still in high school, is that what we do?  We "do" girls?  In my brother's mind was he really "achieving" something?  Certainly, he knew right from wrong.  Didn't he know that what he was doing to me was wrong?  Is "rape" a conquest?  "Doing" me, really?  What kind of word is "doing"?  I looked up the definition of DOING-a deed or accomplishment!  OK, to a guy, I can see how the word "doing" would work, but we are talking ME!  I never "did" anyone.  I can't believe, how bad it hurts. 

As we talked about forgiveness, I reminded my husband that we don't know what God sees, or what God knows.  We don't know if what my brother suffered in this life makes it to where he won't be forgiven in the next.  We DON"T KNOW!  All I can do is do what I KNOW!  I know the effects that abuse has on a person.  It is very common for one that was abused to abuse another.  So, that explains a lot of addiction to sex, drugs, etc.  So, what if I didn't choose to abuse another, I didn't choose to turn to sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.  My addiction was turned to "perfection".  You would think that recoving from an addiction to perfection would be easier than an addiction to drugs.  (at least in my head, I think it would be!)  But, you can walk away from drugs, you can walk away from alcohol, but you can't walk away from yourself.  When I first started reading about the effects of abuse in the LDS Faith, the reiterate the statistics that yes, it is very common for one that was abused to abuse another.  But, when one chooses to stop the abuse and confront the "demon" it is as though the Lord is cleansing the lineage.  I would do anything for my daughters, and one day, I pray, that my posterity will never know the effects of abuse in their lives.  I know that I gave birth to "royalty" and they deserve to be treated as such.

My husband is really hating his job right now.  I think it is easier for him to control the marriage therapy sessions than it is for me because when he controls them we talk about my abuse, but when I control them we talk about his neglect of his family.  We did talk about his Priesthood.  The therapist asked if I used my husband for his Priesthood, I advised her that I hardly use the Priesthood at all in my life.  That made me feel AWESOME!  This morning my husband woke up late and so he was late for work.  He complained before bed that his body was hurting him.  He really was not going to go in to work today, which I don't understand.  We are starting to see some conflict with his sports and his job.  He tells me that he will work it out!  What does that mean?  I don't know. 

I haven't posted for a long time.  I think it's because my brain doesn't shut off.  I have had a lot going on.  I have been working on the budget (which sucks!).  I even started thinking of getting a 3rd job.  But, when you struggle with being the "nurturer" of a Mom, then the 3rd job has to be put on the shelf.  For so long I have been the "provider" in our family.  In my LDS faith we have a "Family Proclamation".  It talks about the role of a Mother and a Father.  Last week after a particularly rough marriage therapy session, I actually yelled "If I am supposed to be the 'damn dad', tell me I am supposed to be the Dad." 

I then had my individual session last Saturday, she gave me an assignment.  I still haven't done it.  She wants me to write a letter to myself.  The problem is, after writing the letter to my brother, I have a lot of hate towards him, but I also have a lot of "hate" towards myself.  I think my individual therapist is going to have to work thru a lot of things with me to get me to complete this assignment. 

I met with my Bishop on Sunday.  I have been told several times by him that the Lord would "recompense" me for my pain.  I struggle with this because all that I am, and all that I have, has come to me from the Lord.  I have struggled with the fact that the knowledge of the abuse had to come out.  I have struggled with the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father.  I have struggled with my testimony, and my beliefs.  I am learning new things, and re-learning many things.  We read Alma 14.  In this chapter Alma & Amulek are forced to watch as innocent women and children are burned.  Amulek turned to Alma and asked 'how can we stand by and watch this?'  Alma then says 'the spirit is causing me to refrain from saving them'  but "the Lord receiveth them in Glory".  I have asked "how could the Lord let this happen to me?"  I have asked "where was the spirit of the Holy Ghost?"  And realistically, I have asked "how can you stand by and watch this?"  My Bishop, with all his love, advised me that he doesn't know how the Lord will "recompense" me but that he will.  My next question was "only if I remain worthy?"  He then said "my reward will not be from a 'dime store'".  I know in the scriptures we are told that if we are worthy then "all that he has" will be ours.  But, that seems so far away, and so hard to obtain for me. 

We had marriage therapy yesterday.  I let my husband control the session.  Of course the session was all about my abuse.  Like I said, some days I am OK with the knowledge that it happened, and then others I wish I could make it all go away.  Yesterday, as my husband was venting about my brother and the abuse, my husband reflected on our dating.  My brother went on most of my dates with my husband.  My husband said to the therapist "I can't help but think I stole her brother's girlfriend."  My brother always treated me as though he "owned" me.  I sat and listened to my husband talk thru his emotions with the therapist, I sat and cried.   I didn't know what to say, and like I have always said, my therapy doesn't end when I leave my session.  I have had his comment going thru my head over and over.  I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to scream, "Damn it, I wasn't his girlfriend, I was his SISTER!" 

I have so many thoughts going thru my head.  I cry myself to sleep almost every night.  Sleep doesn't come easily to me, but I don't like how I feel when I medicate myself, so I only do that when I have reached my maximum of sleepless nights. 

I am tired often because of the sleepless nights.  It is difficult to be a "chipper" mom when you are tired.  My kids are tired too.  I think they feel the stress and tension in our home and so needless to say, last night, my 2 youngest hit a brick wall at about 7:30.  I got so much done while they slept.  I have to admit, it was really nice. 

Yesterday, I struggled to stay asleep.  I was up 4 times between 1:00 and 4:48 as I had so many thoughts going thru my head.  I didn't go for my walk at 5:30 because I finally fell back to sleep.  Needless to say, I overslept and my 12 year old daughter did too.  When we finally woke, she had 15 minutes to get ready for school and get out the door (according to her time clock!).  We wouldn't have let her be late, she could have had a ride, but the social calendar with the friends was far more important.  She was so angry with me.  She yelled at me the entire time she was getting ready.  I have learned that it is not worth the fight with her, so I just sat there.  I took it.  As she was leaving our home she yells "goodbye, I love you!". 

Again, I question, what is love?  Do we just say that, is it just words, or is it really emotion? 

So, today is a new day.  A new chapter in my life.  Today, I turn 42.  This to many is not a huge deal.  But, to be a member of my family at the age of 42 is a new adventure.  I have lost two siblings at the age of 42.  Which means that I will be writing the rest of my book on my own.  Being one of 7 children, you couldn't help but hear what your older siblings did at your age.  Now there is nothing to compare too. 

Right now, I feel like a pawn in this game called life.  Everyone is waiting for my next move.  All of the plans, the budget, the family, the marriage, all waiting on my next move.  No one wants to make their own move, just wait for me.  Why does it have to be that my next move is the one that everyone waits for?  Do you know how many times over the last couple days I have said "I don't want to play anymore?" 

My emotions overwhelm many.  It is easier for me to sit by myself to protect those around me from my intense emotions. 

I have come to realize that with everything that I share on this blog, that it makes it so no one has to ask how I am doing. 

I went thru the budget last night.  It doesn't look pretty.  Really, after I got the budget on paper, I sat and cried.  I don't know how to solve the issues.  This morning, I even tried to figure out how I could work another job to make up the difference.  The hospital works odd hours, I could work in to the night.  Then the Mom in me comes into my head.  I am already so tired after my 2nd job that I suck at homework.  My kids do a lot on their own.  I start so early in the day.  I did sleep in today.

I have heard that many times runners have bad toenails.  I didn't think anything of it.  I was planning on getting a pedicure for my Birthday next week, so I did not trim my toenails.  Needless to say, I must have jammed my toe into my shoe and my toenail broke pretty low.  It hurt all day until I could figure out what I did.  I was tired this morning, and I heard it was supposed to be cold and windy, and so I slept.  Well, guess what, it is not cold and windy yet.  The sleep was good, but when I sleep in, then the entire family sleeps as well.  My college daughter kept trying to wake me up to go with her.  I told her I was sleeping in today.  I think it made her feel bad.  I think she kind of likes to have a buddy walk her to the bus stop, and I like the time that I get to spend with her there. 

My husband went and applied for a new job.  This is a good thing.  However, he has been telling others that this week is his last week at the DI.  So, last night I got a call asking when his last day would be.  This was all news to me.  Between the kids, the homework, the housework, dinner, baths, bedtime, and the budget, I really was not in the mood to discuss his job with him last night.  This morning, I asked him when his last day was going to be at the DI.  He skirted around the subject.  He didn't get the job that he applied for yesterday, they aren't hiring right now, but he would really like that job and he knows people so they are going to try and get him on there.  That's all nice but in the meantime I am looking at a budget that is over $1,000 short for the month of October.  What do I do with that?

My Bishop really wants me to define what it is that I want from my husband.  He said it is critical that I get this done.  Everything I do right now in my life is critical.  From dealing with the health insurance, to dealing with the school fees, and the budget.  I also need to work on ME, getting ME to the point where I like being ME.  It really bothers me that right now my religion scares me.  I think it scares me because I still struggle with ME.

As I mentioned last week, my Bishop spoke with the marriage therapist.  Awhile back she asked me if anything my husband did would ever be good enough for me?  Unfortunately, she said the same comment to my Bishop.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  I totally feel as though I am selfish, and materialistic.  I have never required much so when my husband says this comment as he is walking out of my home, it was very hurtful.  I even told my Bishop yesterday, that this comment alone probably hurts more than anything anyone else could ever say to me. 

My individual therapist is out of town and so after my Bishops conversation with me yesterday, I totally needed my therapist to talk me thru my thoughts.  Thankfully, I have a dear friend that was willing to listen and help me sort thru some things. 

Today is my brother's oldest sons Birthday.  This boy is a very good boy.  He will be 20, I had the priviledge of having him in my home.  He is handicapped and desires to go on a Church Service Mission.  He is a great kid.  My daughter made him a Birthday card yesterday and he loved just the little thought.  I found out last night that he met with the Bishop yesterday as well, but his visit was so he could get a Temple Recommend.  His desire is to go to the Temple by the end of the month.  I am so excited for him, but my emotions are EVERYWHERE.  My emotions are selfish on my part.  I still very much struggle with feelings of worthiness.  I will admit, I have feelings of fear, I have feelings of never being good enough to be in such a sacred place.  I have feelings of anger towards my brother, his father, and then I have feelings of anger towards myself because this boy did nothing wrong so why punish him. 

Who defines what is good enough for me?  I don't even know.

We went to marriage therapy on Thursday.  It was a little rough on both of us.  We talked about our "house" that we need to rebuild.  And we talked about my husband's job and his lack of wanting to keep his job.  Our Bishop asked me to advise the marriage therapist that he wanted to talk to her, so I gave her his phone number.  They evidently talked later that afternoon.  The Bishop then advised me that he wanted to talk to my individual therapist.  I have to admit, my insides started churning at the thought.  Please don't misunderstand, I love my Bishop, he is a great man, and he knows A LOT about what is going on but not everything.  I advised my Bishop that I was struggling with my husband not wanting to keep his job because we were still not sleeping in the same room and my Bishop went off on me.  He advised me that he understood my husband's confusion and frustration because he felt that my husband had done everything that had been asked of him.  He advised me that I was confusing my children and what kind of message was I sending them.  He then advised me that the price of my decisions could come at a very large cost. 

I thought of those comments all day.  I cry myself to sleep almost every night with regards to my decisions.  I know of my Husband's confusion and frustration, I am living it.  I know of my children's confusion and pain, again, I am living it.  I know the cost, I am fully aware of the fact that I could lose my entire family.  Some days, it is just too much to make large decisions.  Why is all of this on my shoulders?  When does my husband have to carry his weight of responsibility? 

I don't expect many to understand my decisions, because realistically, I don't understand my own decisions.  There has been a couple times when I was still sleeping in the same bed as my husband when I was sleeping and he made some advances towards me.  Now, that may seem trivial to another married woman, but to a woman that is uncovering an abusive past. lying in bed with a man that makes unwarranted sexual advances, takes her control away from her once again.  Each time, he woke me up.  I would confront him and he would say it was an accident.  When I would tell him what I felt, and then what I saw, it was not an accident.  His  comment would then be "a married man should be able to touch his wife." 

Don't get me wrong, this is not anything he signed up for when he married me.  I truly did not remember the abuse.   Does a marriage certificate give him the right to do what he wants with my body?  Is it my fault that I did not remember the abuse and so I wasn't fully honest with him?  Was I not fully honest with all those Bishop's that asked if I kept the law of Chastity?  Every day I question if I have ruined his life. 

My individual therapist is going out of town over the weekend and so I had my session last night.  I was not looking forward to it because I was still processing my session from last Saturday.  I am still trying to process it, and now I have a new session to process.  I did my homework Monday night and proceeded to cry for HOURS!  It was not an easy project and it made for a long night and because of the crying and the swollen eyes from the crying made for a long day.  I was exhausted yesterday.  I tried to wake up to go for my walk yesterday, but went back to sleep instead.

So, last night we worked thru my homework assignment and then we talked about me.  We talked about the things that I like and don't like about me. 

As we talked she asked "if you had your house burn down what would you do?"  I would rebuild!  We talked about this new house.  The new house would never be the same as the one that I lost.  It could be bigger, and even better than the old house.  I have actually watched as a couple of our clients have lost their homes to fire.  They have nothing.  They have insurance, but  there are things that no amount of insurance could buy.  The charred pictures, the heirlooms of the past, they can never be replaced. 

I must admit, I am still mourning my old house.  My husband is mourning the old house. 

OK, I am just going to say, Therapy is rough!  We are really starting to get into the nitty gritty of "me".  I am so not comfortable finding out my feelings towards "me".  I hate that therapy doesn't end when I leave.  My last session was on Saturday, and my mind, and my tears have not stopped since I left.  My therapist is going out of town this weekend and so my next session is tomorrow, I have been thinking about my homework assignment all day.  I need to get it done because I can guarantee I am going to probably cry thru the entire assignment.  I keep thinking that I can't do it, but in my heart, I know it has to be done.  I have never known pain like this.  Childbirth and thyroid cancer are nothing compared to the pain that I have had in my heart over the last year. 

Yesterday, I went to the Brigham City Temple dedication.  I cried thru the whole thing.  It is the closest I have come to a Temple in over a year.  I still struggle so much with feelings of worthiness.  As I prepared to go yesterday, I did everything I could to avoid my feelings.  I even in my heart had to fight to even get myself ready to go.  I literally got ready in 5 minutes.  My family was even in the car waiting for me.  I got in there and we sat right behind the Bishop.  Bless his heart, he is really trying to help me thru this.  In the 1 1/2 hours that the session took to complete I completely used 4 Kleenex.  They were soaked, and I was an emotional mess.  I sat with my two girls and cried.  I was so uncomfortable sitting there, I can't tell you how many times I had to remind myself that I was worthy to be there.  My daughters started to ask questions about the Temple, questions about my sister that passed away.  They asked about her Husband.  My sister did not marry in the temple.  She struggled with her marriage, but I truly believe that she loved her Husband.  My heart was heavy as I thought about her Earth life.  Her greatest desire was to be sealed to her Husband, and I can promise you that she will be with him Forever.  It will take some work from this side, and there will have to be some hearts that heal but it will happen for her. 

I am going to confess, I thought I was doing so well that I didn't need to post.  I thought I didn't have any problems, but what I found is that once again, I avoided situations.  I know, hard to believe that I would avoid anything, right? 

I don't look at my bank account, because I avoid the fact that I have no money.  I also avoid the fact that I see my families spending habits.  The last 2 days I have been trying to let someone else (my husband) deal with it.  He wants to live a nice life style.  Unfortunately, we can't afford the lifestyle that we used to.  I question why we can't.  Why is it that I still have the same job that I have had for 15 years, but yet we can't afford to live the way we were even 5 years ago?  My husband is now working full time, the first time in years since he has done that, but yet, we still come up short, and not just monthly, but in fact, every pay check we are in the negative.  How do I get above this?

The last 2 days he has had this purchase that he wants to make.  I have not wanted to deal with it because I see our finances and think that we cannot afford this particular purchase.  The total price for this purchase is $75, my husband does not see it as a huge expense, but in my head I see a power bill, or a medical bill.  When I advised him that we didn't really have the money for it he called us "white trash", he said he would come up with the money.  I still see it as him coming up with the money thru other means, and not applying it to where it really needs to go. 

We are starting into his sports season.  He has started sharing his rational thinking with me-the "I can work my full time job for $7.25/hr, or I can go and do a volleyball game for $40" to him it is a no-brainer.  I am tired of being in my head because in my head I can do the math as well, but where is the commitment?  To be honest, we have not talked to his family about the things going on in our home.  Yesterday, I advised his sister that he was working full time and she asked what would happen to his sports schedule by his working full time.  I quickly changed the subject, she advised me that we need to get caught up and that we would meet sometime soon to discuss our lives.  Even my Bishop has asked me this question-what happens when work starts interfereing with his sports-then what?  Can I ask everyone this question?  Why is this my problem?  Why is everyone asking me? 

Yesterday, my Bishop asked again if I was committed to my marriage.  I didn't respond.  I don't know how to respond any more.  Some days I am fine!  I have been told several times that "I don't know", is not an answer, so many times I have to sit and ask the question again in my head before I respond.  I hear so many of the words he has said to me.  I can't tell you how many times this week his comment from marriage therapy has played in my head.  "Are you just using your abuse as an excuse to avoid having sex with me?"  Do you know how many times in my life over the last year I wish that the abuse didn't even exist?  Do you know how many times over the last week I have wished this? 

Last night, was individual therapy.  On Friday, I worked all day, even ate lunch at my desk.  My body started hurting, I thought it was just from sitting.  Needless to say, McDonald's fixed our dinner.  Friday, night, the pain just got more persistant, and I knew I was getting sick.  I sat in a bubble bath, and took lots of Ibuprofen.  I had a scratchy throat.  Saturday morning, is my favorite day usually because I get to take my long walk to the Temple.  However, yesterday, I woke up and I had hit a brick wall.  My body hurt so bad and I was so congested.  I truly thought I could do nothing.  Even my eyes hurt, my ears hurt, my toes hurt.  Our family was assigned to clean the church and I didn't want to let anyone down, so I went and cleaned the church.  I just took a lot of ibuprofen.  I got home fixed my kids breakfast and then went back to bed.  I still had to do some errands and so I would rest, and then I would do what I needed to do until I hit that brick wall again, and then I would rest again.  I am doing that routine again today. 

I knew I didn't feel well, and I worried about being contagious, but I am being a little selfish when I say this, but I think I would have felt worse if I did't go to therapy, so I took my Ibuprofen, and went to therapy. 

This week, I struggled with what kind of friend I am.  I don't feel like I am a very good friend.  I feel like I overwhelm a lot of people, friends, therapists, family, the list goes on and on.  I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality.  I researched borderline and friendships.  I have struggled with the diagnosis.  My therapist last night reminded me that we went thru the manual and yes, I have borderline, but I am not borderline.  I researched and unfortunately, borderline does not ever go away.  It is something that I will have to learn to live with.  It is very hard to do that.  I watched a commercial on Disney channel where a young girl talks about dyslexia.  I think that if I could relate borderline to anything it would be dyslexia.  With dyslexia you have to learn how to read, once you realize what you have to do to read, you live with those lessons and everytime you read something, you follow your lessons.  Borderline is the exact same way, I have learned lessons in therapy, to help me thru life, granted sometimes there is so much stuff going on that it is hard to remember the lessons.

I just recognized that this will be my 100th post.  Another milestone for me.  YAY me!

This morning on my walk I was reflecting on a lot of things.  To be honest, I have had the statistic 1 in 6 running thru my mind all weekend long.  1 in 6 girls are abused.  To me, the thought comes that means 5 of 6 are safe.  5 of 6 are protected from the hurt, pain and scars that abuse leaves.  I am not going to lie, how I wish I could say I was 1 of the 5 that were protected.  Being that 1 of 6 makes you feel very alone.  It's like the 5 are standing in a line and you are the 1 on the side.  I am not going to say I haven't thought that I wished I were 1 of the 5.  I have wished that I would have been 1 that was protected. 

Yesterday, in marriage therapy, it was rough.  My husband is quite confused with things that are going on around him.  I don't blame him, but I am just as confused as he is.  Or maybe I am a liittle more confused than he is, but I also don't want to be the kind of person that says "I am hurting more than you." One of the questions he asked me-flat out- was I using the abuse as an exuse to avoid sex with him?  I sat there, almost dumbfounded, my husband then started asking deeper questions, and the therapist stopped him, as I sat there dumbfounded, and asked my husband to give me a minute to process the question that was asked.  I was grateful for that minute.  I wasn't grateful for the question, but was grateful for the minute that I had a chance to answer.  I know that I have told my husband before the issues that I have had with sex since the first flashback over a year ago, but I guess he forgot.  I did sit there and cry as I explained that I have always considered sex to be very sacred.  The flashbacks are so real.  I have tried to be intimate with my husband, I have tried to use my "mindfulness" skills that I have learned in therapy to be in the moment.  It has been so much work to be in the moment that I go to bed with the worst headaches I have had because it was all I could do to be in the moment with him and fight back the flashbacks. 

The therapist talked about love languages.  My husband feels like he needs to show his love language to me thru touch.  I had to be honest, but the love language of touch right now makes my skin crawl.  Even to feel his breath on the back of my neck makes me crawl.  She tried to explain that to my husband he needs to find another love language for me, and it's not touch, but acts of service.  She then asked me to learn of my husbands love language.  Unfortunately, I am not stupid and his primary love language is touch.  If I can't have that for my own love language, what makes you think I can touch him to show him love?  So, I have to find his secondary love language.  I cried, quite a bit in therapy yesterday.  And, yes, I will probably have  a lot to discuss with my individual therapist on Saturday as I sort thru my own feelings. 

I tried blogging yesterday.  I actually started twice, but to no avail.  My thoughts are everywhere.  I know, I say that every day, so nothing new right?

I left my therapy session Saturday feeling as though I did not accomplish anything.  As we talked, I disclosed some very personal feelings, she asked me to share them in marriage therapy.  If you remember, I was dumped by another therapist because I created a "triangle" between he and myself, and my marriage.  So, I evidently, still don't know how to separate my marriage from my individual therapy.  However, the things that my individual therapist asked for me to share in marriage therapy, I am not comfortable sharing in marriage therapy.  They are still very personal.  To be honest, I left therapy and cried, I truly didn't feel like I did anything.  I couldn't do the homework assignment that she had requested.  The reason for that is because I put off my assignment for the weekend because it is pretty intense homework that I am doing in my individual therapy.  I didn't expect to go to marriage therapy on Thursday and go thru the mess of emotions that I did.

We had marriage therapy on Thursday, and as I said in a prior post, I thought it was hard.  I left that session in tears too.  One of the things that our marriage therapist said on Thursday is that she was going to put our marriage to the test.  I will be honest, I have thought of that statement several times, and I don't know if I am up for the challenge.  I am so tired.  I really have felt over the weekend that having no relationships sounds pretty good to me.  I have thought that if I could be invisible, I would. 

So, I actually posted yesterday's post today.  I thought about that post all day yesterday, that is until I went to marriage therapy.  But, even this morning, I thought about that post.  I finally decided to just post it because realistically, it is what I think about, on a daily basis, and this blog is for me. 

It has been a year since my first flashback.  I am still going thru a lot of HELL.  I have a lot of homework to do and I put it off until I absolutely have to because I sort thru it in my head.  I sort thru a lot.

Yesterday, in marriage therapy, my husband stressed how much he wanted me to "get over" my abuse and put it behind me.  I keep trying to get him to understand, I finally said in front of the therapist yesterday, it's not going away.  I don't just "get over it".  The abuse is a part of ME.  Am I the only one in this relationship that understands that?  I am a different person than the person he married.

The therapist asked me yesterday, "is anything Jed does ever going to be good enough?"  I found it interesting that she would ask me that, because he is the one that told me that as he was leaving my home.  He turned to my children and said that "he will never be able to do anything good enough" for me.  I have replayed that statement in my head probably a thousand times but yesterday, when the therapist said it, it hurt.  I have looked at everything I do, from my morning routine, to my chore charts, to my scripture reading and church attendance, and wonder if I am "high maintenance".  Do I really ask that much from people?  Am I needy?  This morning on my walk, I again thought of that statement. 

I found that I have given everything I have to this family.  I have given them my best, even on my worst days.  As my husband sat and told the therapist about his ankle and the pain he is in when he comes home from work and standing on his feet all day.  I thought of the years I worked at Village Sports Den, and then went to work at Karleen's.  I thought of the years that I worked at Dick's Bakery.  Sure, I sit in a chair for probably 6 hours a day.  My days are long.  I work really hard, even if I am sitting.  I have stood for hours, some days, 12 hours at the Bakery during the holidays, I understand standing for hours at work.  But, I also have known sleepless nights with a newborn and living on less than 3 hours of sleep.  I have known days where I was so sick that I could barely move.  Since my thyroid surgery, I have known days where my calcium is so low that every muscle in my body cramps up.  Where even my toes curl because of the calcium issue.  I know pain.  I am not saying that I don't believe that his feet hurt, or that he comes home tired.  But, I do too.  This isn't supposed to be a "my life is harder than yours" marriage.  What I am saying is that I have given EVERYTHING.  I even say to myself "nothing I do will ever be good enough" of myself.  I don't ask anything of my family.  I do it all myself, I don't ask any more of them than I ask of myself.  I deserve to have someone give their best for me.  I deserve to have someone love me, even on my bad days when I am not good enough for myself.

This morning as I walked my daughter to the bus stop I questioned if I was crazy.  It is so early in the morning.  I am up even before the Sun that is how crazy it is.  It is starting to get cold in the morning.  In my head that means one thing-time to change the work out attire.  Again!?!  Why in the HELL do I struggle with what I wear, no one is awake, oh wait, I know, It's because work out clothing to me is so revealing!  I hate it!  I haven't tried on my warmer workout clothes in months so I am not even sure how they fit.  The pants were already a little big, but honestly, it is the shirt that is freaking me out.  Maybe one day I will be able to explain my feelings but I already feel like I have disclosed so much about the real me.

I truly thought that every person hated their body, or themselves for that matter. 

School started for all of the little ones yesterday.  I loved being the Mom of our little one.  She was so brave as she went to her first day of Kindergarten.  She was a little shy.  She knows no one in her class but one little girl.  I have her convinced that she will have a huge circle of friends by the end of the school year.  One thing about it, my kids do not have a hard time making friends.  We have always taught them that everyone needs a friend and we are all different, and it is OK. 

Today is a new day.  A new day to learn new things, to grow, and conquer.  We get to choose how we live each moment of each day. 

I am tired today.  4:45 starts my day, really early.  When your mind doesn't shut off until after midnight, it makes for a really long day.  It's sad that I debate on taking a "sleep aid" each night because it is either sit and listen to me think, or sleep and wake up a little groggy.  I have to admit, I probably medicate myself to sleep at least once a week.  Diet Coke right now is my best friend.  It doesn't have an opinion of me, and it doesn't try to solve my problems, and it doesn't tell me what I have done wrong, and it keeps me awake on these long days, and I am happier.  (Holy Crap, sounds like Diet Coke is my drug of choice!  Probably something else I need to address with my therapist, but I need to take small steps right now, the last 2 weeks my sessions have been giant leaps!)  Have I said I was tired?

I cry myself to sleep every night.  I pray constantly to know that when all is said and done, I am going to make it thru this OK. 

I am going to be honest, this has totally changed my testimony of God and his son Jesus Christ.  My mind has been filled with doubt.  My heart pleads for answers.  I pray constantly to understand, I pray for the painful memories to stop, I pray for my heart to truly forgive, not only my brother but also myself, and I pray for my love of the Savior and my Heavenly Father to increase. 

Before I started this journey, I was almost egotistical when it came to my testimony.  I knew without a doubt that God existed, and that he lives.  I will admit, I have always struggled with his love for me.  I felt that the testimony that I had would carry me thru to the next life and then I could figure out what I was missing in the next life.  I always struggled with my faith, but again, I had eternity to figure that out.  My testimony was good!  It was where I felt it needed to be at that time in my life. 

My first flashback was truly an answer to a prayer.  I have struggled with prayer ever since.  They say that Heavenly Father doesn't give you more than you can handle.  I know that he is the only one that sees the end from the beginning so I have to have faith that he knew that I would come out of this better than I was.  He must have had a whole lot of faith in me because I am not so sure that I have that much faith in myself.  There are so many times where I just want to let go.  I keep holding on to the Iron Rod, hoping that I will make it thru the dark clouds that surround me.  I can't tell you how many times a day I have to decide to just hang on.  I don't know what I am hanging on for.  I think it is just fear of letting go.  There are days where it would be so much easier to go the way of the world. 

I know that there are many that have trials in life that I could never even comprehend.  I never want to minimize someone else's pains.  Each one of us have our trials that are made for us.  I have to admit, I have asked If God loves me, why this?  Like I said, my testimony was good, it was enough, for me.  How does he know I won't let go?

I have had a hard week.  As I said last week was the most intense therapy session I have ever had.  This week has brought even more challenges.  We received a notice that we were being foreclosed on by our condo association.  I also went and deposited my pay check in the bank and found that we were $400 in the hole. 

This last week, I struggled with my emotions and my religion.  As I have said, I am LDS, I am not ashamed of my religion.  Realistically, the feelings that I have had this week don't have anything to do with my religion, but of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I know that we have a Heavenly Father, and an elder brother, Jesus Christ.  They are clearly to me, two separate beings.  I have been told my entire life that the Lord (our Heavenly Father) doesn't give you more than you can handle.  But, I have also been told, and it is even in the scriptures that he will make our "burdens" become light.  Right now, I know Satan is having his way with me.  The emotions that I have... fear, anger, hate, and confusion, are all from Satan.  I cry a lot because I don't want to feel these emotions.  I have talked with my LDS Bishop this week about these feelings.  I was asked by my therapist to write a letter to my brother and express my feelings to him in writing.  I was asked by a therapist earlier to do this.  I really did my homework, but I have been trying to avoid these feelings, so my first letter to my brother I wrote him 6 pages and when I started getting angry, I quit.  So, when I talked with my Bishop about this letter, I felt almost as though I was asking for forgiveness  before actually expressing my feelings of anger, hate, and confusion.  He explained that I needed to separate the feelings for the act vs the feelings for my brother.  Because, yes, even Heavenly Father has anger towards unrighteous acts.  I told this to my therapist and bless her heart she said "yes, but Heavenly Father is a perfect being", and unfortunately, I am not.  My Bishop told me to just get the feelings out and we will deal with what comes next. 

As I wrote the letter, I felt every emotion that I have described.  Memories of not only the sexual abuse, but also the physical abuse came to the surface.  The fear that I lived in, the humiliation that I lived with, it was all there.  After I married, I had nothing to do with my brother, after he married, he had nothing to do with our family, so the occasions that we met we were acquaintances. 

My parents still know very little about the abuse.  At one point my Mother asked me about therapy.  I told her that I needed to work on forgiving my siblings.  She asked about my older sister (which truly was my mother's pride and joy, and we all knew it), I explained to my Mom that she made life difficult growing up when she became bulimic and then when she became promiscuous and then the drugs and alcohol.  All of those experiences did not just affect her, but affected our entire family.  She asked about my older brother.  I explained to her that he was mean, if our family had any bully it would have been him, she then turned to me and asked "well, do you think that he would ever be sorry for what he did?"  I remember that comment as it has played over and over in my head.  If she asked me that today, I have thought about what I would say.  The answer, would be "yes", he will have to go thru HELL to get there, but he will eventually be sorry for what he did.  No one in my family addresses anything that my older brother did.  I know that I was not the only child he physically abused, I pray I was the only child he sexually abused. 

I wrote my letter as requested by my therapist as well as my Bishop.  I stopped before I could finish, so my homework this week is to finish.  I stopped when it started getting to the point where I began mentally trying to figure out my role in all of this.

So, I went to my individual therapy last night and processed thru the flashback.  It was the most intense session I have EVER had.  She asked some very deep questions, and I told her WAY TOO MUCH!  There are things that I verbalized to her that I have never told anyone.  To be honest, I have thought all day-did I really say that?  After my session, I felt weird, it was hard to explain.  The best way for me to describe it is that I feel "emotionally numb".  I went to bed last night, completely exhausted and yes, I medicated myself to sleep because I was so exhausted from that session.  My shoulder still hurt so bad, and the thought of Icy Hot still freaked me out.  I really need to actually throw it away.  I can't believe that something so minimal could trigger me into such a deep flash back.  As I talked to a friend about this flashback, I was very hesitant because the last thing I wanted to do was to trigger her, but I really needed to tell someone.  She told me that I needed to process this particular flashback with my therapist because I needed to figure out what it said about me.  Needless to say, that is what I did yesterday.  It was not a pleasant experience.  It actually was one of the worst experiences I have ever had because I don't think I wanted to know what it said about me! 

I have been reading about "emotionally numb" and it said that many people after feeling "numb" tend to self injure because they want to feel something.  That explains an awful lot.  I self injured again.  If you read from my blogs back in July you would know that I also found out that after I self injured that I was a MRSA carrier.  Well, my last adventure in self injury is once again, infected.  I have found that I have to keep it draining, and quite honestly it is definitely painful.  The bad thing is that once you self injure, then you feel so great about yourself and then the shame kicks in.  It is a vicious cycle.  I know that I learned some DBT skills that are supposed to help but to be honest, I didn't even think about them until after I had already done the injury.  There is so much to know, but yet in the heat of the battle, I didn't do so well. 

We met with the Bishop this morning.  I went totally expecting to be released.  That didn't happen.  We talked about the marriage therapy.  Well, I was still "emotionally numb" from my session last night, and to be honest, the last thing I wanted to do was to sit there and listen.  I actually let my husband do all the talking.  The Bishop asked a lot of questions, and I let Jed answer all of them.  When it came to the questions about my individual therapy session, I told him very little.  The reason for that is because after 24 hours, I am still "numb".  I will sometimes reflect on little things and I will cry, but for the most part I still just sit there and think "what did I do?"  I have even questioned if the things I shared with my therapist last night were "false memories", that maybe I read this in a book, but then I think about the books that I have read.  I have even wondered how or why anyone would believe me.  Then I have the "damn it" moment where I know this happened. 

I had to tell our marriage therapist that she was going to have to take over the chore chart assignment because I needed my individual therapy session for myself.  So, I need to have the chore chart completed by Tuesday.  I will work on it tomorrow.  Sometimes I am afraid to sleep.  I don't want to know any more.  I don't want to feel any more but yet, after feeling "emotionally numb" for the last 24 hours, I would like to feel something besides the pain.

I have been doing an awful lot of soul searching over the last year.  It has not been easy, in fact it has been down right hard.  Last night after a particularly hard day, I laid in my bed and cried.  I plead with those that know my identity, to please just let me rant for a minute.  I need to get these feelings and emotions out in the open. 

Last night, as I lay in bed, the thought came to me that I have a lot of distortions.  I get it!  I don't need someone to point out my flaws because I already see them, they are glaring at me in the mirror and in my head.  I understand that I was "supposed to" learn a lot of these things about me as a child, I didn't get that in my home.   I will be honest, I feel like I am taking up precious space for some one else that can do my life better than I can.  It would be easy to "start over" if I was a kid, but I am an adult with children, not so easy!

As I said yesterday, I truly believe in a Heavenly Father.  I believe in his existence.  But, that is where my belief stops.  (please don't be critical with my comments!)  As I laid in bed last night, I pondered on my beliefs, and in my testimony of my Heavenly Father.  I am not so sure my Heavenly Father loves me.  (Again, please don't judge!) I know he blesses me, but is that Love? 

I have been struggling with my testimony for a long time.  I have been doing everything that I can possibly do to get it back or even just to keep what I have.  I am tired.  I give up!  I taught my last Sunday School lesson last week because my last student left for college.  I was advised that I would be a substitute until they could figure out what to do with me.  I know how the Sunday School works in my Ward and I am so not playing that game.  So, in my head, if I am a sub then I get to say when and if I am going to teach and right now, I am not going to teach.

As I said yesterday, I was triggered by a blog.  One of the comments on the blog that keeps going thru my head is when this person called our Heavenly Father the "master maniupulator".  Now, I know that doesn't come from the spirit because even the comment makes my stomach churn.  One of the other comments that this "poster" discusses is when bad things happen to good people. 

I myself have had to do an awful lot of soul searching as I will admit, I have asked "why didn't someone protect me?" when it comes to the abuse.  I have always believed in a Heavenly Father that guides my path. 

My first flashback occurred on August 29th, which happens to be the exact same day that my brother passed away 2 years prior.  As I look back, my Heavenly Father was preparing me for years to come.  I truly believe this.  In 2009, on August 26th, it was my brother's Birthday.  I had not had a whole lot to do with my brother but I had the very strong impression to call him and wish him a Happy Birthday.  (When I say I did not have a whole lot to do with my brother, I had only seen him 2 times since my sister's funeral 15 months prior!)  Again, the spirit prompted me to call my brother to wish him a Happy Birthday.  I ignored it!  For three days I had that prompting.  Even the night of my brother's passing, it was after 10:00 and I had the prompting to call my brother and wish him a Happy Birthday.  Guess what-I ignored it!  My brother died the next morning in the middle of the night.  I struggled for 2 years with the knowledge that I did not call and wish my brother a Happy Birthday, something so trivial.  What I have learned since and because of that experience.  This is just my doctrine-and this is my story and my belief-I truly believe that my Heavenly Father did not want me to live with that regret.  I think he was preparing me even before my brother passed away for all of the abuse to come out.  I think that my Heavenly Father knew that this would not be easy for me to comprehend.  As I have always said- EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  So even though I may have "changed" the plan that my Heavenly Father had for me by not calling my brother, he still loved me enough to prepare me as best as he could for this life changing experience.  He has put amazing people in my path that are helping me walk thru this trial.  They are there to strengthen me when I feel I can't go on, and they truly do carry me A LOT. 

It's been a rough couple of days.  I spend a lot of time in my emotional mind.  I will be honest, I have been going thru this feeaking flashback for probably the last two weeks.  I have actually had this flashback, months ago in EMDR therapy.  Evidently, I didn't process it enough because it has been haunting me.  There have been a couple of things that have set it off.  I believe it started at church 2 weeks ago.  It was not a good situation for me.  I unfortunately am a deep thinker and try to figure out what Heavenly Father is asking of me.  When I was asked to serve a certain family in our Ward I questioned if I could do it and go back to the home of a boy that raped me.  I so tried!  I thought I could do it, but I couldn't.  I then was triggered by some comments on a blog that I read.  I kept trying to convince myself that it was OK, then, my neck muscles tightened up and I used some Icy Hot.  The smell set me off completely as my brother used it often.  He was the athlete in the family (whatever!), he thought any way.  He hardly ever wore a shirt around the house and used Icy Hot probably on a daily basis.  (I also can't stand the smell of Big Red gum, he chewed it on a daily basis as well!) 

All night long I could not get the smell away from me.  It is even on my pillow.  I showered, it's still there.  I woke up and my head hurt but I needed to go on my walk.  I dissociate a lot.  I even had a Ward member yell at me to get my attention.  It is starting to be dark when I walk.  I still struggle with "hypervigilance". 

Saturday morning, I really wanted to go on my walk to the Temple.  Friday night, I couldn't sleep.  I thought I slept pretty well.  I woke up and looked at the clock 3:17 a.m.  If I had not been so freaked out about my safety, I would have gone walking.  I even thought that if I went for my walk, I could have been home by 6:00.  I discussed it with my therapist, she advised me that it would not be a good idea for me to do that.  So, the earliest I can go is 5:45 (even then that is pushing it!).  I will be honest, I have gone out at 4:00 before, but that was before when I really was crazy.  (I still can't believe I did it :) )

My therapist and I discussed a chore chart for my kids.  We have had fun developing this chart.  I have been taking pictures of "before" the job is done and "after" the job is done so that they know what it is supposed to look like.  The kids have actually done a pretty good job.

We went to marriage therapy, and for the most part it went well.  As I have said before, when I go to therapy it doesn't stop when I leave the office.  That is actually when therapy starts for me.  My mind is always going.  Sometimes that is not a good thing. 

Yesterday, I was exhausted.  I worked both jobs and my 2nd job is a lot of hard work, in a short amount of time.  So, I am always going.

As I mentioned several times, I am LDS.  I have been working with the Bishop and bless his heart has allowed me to go to the Bishop's Storehouse.  This is a place where one can go and get food to provide for your family.  Every time I go it is such a humbling experience for me.  Last night, as I walked out and loaded my car, I walked back in to return the cart and Thanked the workers.  As I walked back out to my car, I was overloaded with emotions.  I actually cried the entire trip home as I thought that all of the service that I provide my neighbors, could never repay what they have done for me.  (That is the emotional mind!)  Then, in the whisper of the spirit, I am told I don't have to repay. (That is the wise mind-I think! :) ) Because, even though I can't ever repay, there is someone that already paid the price.  I believe that to be my Savior.

When I got home from both jobs, and the Bishop's Storehouse, I then had to put all of the food away.  This for me entails a lot of organization as I rotate all of my food.  I went into my kitchen, and the dishes had not been done.  I was informed by my children that they needed to have some laundry done, and dinner had not been prepared.  Needless to say, I stood over the sink of dishes and cried.  I really wonder what I am supposed to be doing.  I am one person that has a lot asked of her.  My entire family was home all day.  My husband didn't even need to work, but yet I have a very stressful day job, and then have to do all these things, just to keep my household running.  There were a couple things that he said in marriage therapy that really threw me.  I made sure that my voice was heard. 

I am going to say this, I was really thrown when the therapist-who hardly knows me- tells me I carry a lot of "shame".  I already knew this, but uhm, do I carry it so it shows?  I read an article yesterday about "triangulation" which the reason why I was withdrawn from one of my prior therapists was because of this.  So, I fear even saying anything, for the fact that one might take it wrong, and I form another "freaking triangle."  It's almost easier to just let the voices in my head discuss it between the two of us.  (I don't want you to think I hear voices-I am not psycho- I recognize the voice is my conscience-I just googled it, it is normal! *thank goodness*)

I don't have a lot of time this morning, but I have so much going on in my head that I need to write.  I hope that what I write will make sense but at least help me to clear my thoughts.  I finally got up the guts to call LDS Family to schedule a new appointment with a different marriage therapist.  They can get us in today.  So, then I had the priviledge of advising my husband that I scheduled a session.  I wish I could say that it went well.  Unfortunately, this is so not the case.  He is bothered that it is a woman and he is afraid that he is going to be "ganged" up against.  But, no worries, I never felt like that with our last marriage therapist right?  I will admit, I am scared of the work that another therapy session will entail.  I am working so hard to work thru my issues, there are times where the homework is put on the shelf because the emotions are draining.  I know I need to do the homework, and by scheduling this appointment with LDS I can honestly say I did all that I was asked to do for my individual therapy homework. 

There is always constant movement in my head.  I don't sleep well because I am constantly going.  Don't get me wrong, when I work 10 hours a day, then have to come home fix dinner, do the dishes, and the laundry, I am EXHAUSTED, sleep just doesn't come. 

I have found that I am still "hypervigilant" a term used in therapy, basically, I am always on the look out for my surroundings.  I am going to admit, I did not know that this was not normal to the average human.  I thought that everyone was on the look out for their safety.  Ironic thing is that yes, I am overly cautious but yet, I find so many times on my walks I am cautious and then I zone out and "dissociate".  It isn't until I come back to reality that I realize that I was not cautious at all.  For example, I see a runner and I am very cautious, but yet, I zone out and have no idea where he turns the corner, or I don't even realize that I didn't look when I crossed the street.  (yes, even my 5 year old has had to remind me to look both ways!) 

It has been 2 weeks since I was triggered and I think that is why I am still so over cautious.  I don't understand why it takes me so long to crawl down off the ceiling after I am triggered.  It didn't take much to get me up there.  Yes, I know there are techniques to use to get you down faster, and I am learning, but it really is a slow process.  I am learning that patience is a virtue that has to be mastered every day. 

Please pray for us today that our session will go well.  I pray that I can be open and tell her all that my Heavenly Father wants me to tell because it is so hard for me to open up and trust, especially when it is a complete stranger.  I have anxiety just for the thoughts that I need to go back in to LDS Family Services.  I completed some paperwork and I read the agreement about most issues can be resolved in less than 12 sessions.  So, my mind goes back, and honestly, when I first signed that form a year ago, I thought that I was good enough that I would only need 1 session so of course I did not have a hard time signing it back then.  Now, in my head I feel like telling the therapist today that if she thinks that she is going to turn us away from LDS because yes, I think this is going to be more than 12 sessions, then turn us away today because I don't want to go thru that mess again.  But, guess what, this is not in my control, it is in the Lord's timing and he will figure out what we need.

Life is filled with uncertainty.  I currently teach Sunday School in our LDS Ward to teenagers.  We are currently studying Alma 40-42.  This chapter is Alma the Younger preaching to his son Corianton.  Corianton has been a little rebellious and so Alma the Younger is teaching him. 

One thing you need to know about me, is that when I read The Book of Mormon, I read it for me.  I try to understand how it applies to me TODAY because really, that is who the Book was written for.  There are amazing answers to every day problems in this Book.  These chapters have proven a little rough for me.  Because, I know of one that was rebellious.  My brother!  These chapters have had me asking a lot of questions.  These chapters actually discuss life after death, and what happens between when we leave this life and before the Resurrection when our body and spirit are reunited.

I have struggled from the beginning that my brother did not repent before he passed away.  I have cried myself to sleep for the last two days as I have pondered these chapters of scripture.  Because, even though my brother really "wronged" me, I do want him to have some happiness. 

I was asked by my LDS Family services therapist when I first started to ask my spiritual questions to my Bishop.  Well, I will be the first to admit, that I have overwhelmed my Bishop enough.  So, I asked my LDS Family Services therapist what happens to my brother when he didn't repent before he passed away.  His response to me, and I quote "He goes through therapy and works through his sins but reconciliation needs to happen for healing to happen."  I advised him I didn't understand and he advised me that my brother still needs to go thru the repentance process.

I googled "how do you reconcile sexual abuse?"  I first want to warn, there is so much "crap" out there on the internet, and when you are trying to find true, deep answers to your questions, it can be very hard to know what is right from wrong, I know because I am going thru that right now.  It is very hard to find answers to such deep questions in the LDS faith when I am finding that NOONE wants to talk about sexual abuse.  I have to say, I am so grateful that I had the testimony that I did before all of this came out because I am not sure I would have been able to stay as strong as I have been if I didn't have somewhat of a glimmer because this is the hardest thing I have ever done!  There are so many that will try to lead you astray. 

What I found last night as I researched how to reconcile, is that in a nut shell, you feel safe enough to have a relationship with the person that abused you.  You have set boundaries, and you are OK with them being a part of your life.  So, evidently, I am so not ready to do that yet.  So, I better not die until I am ready.  Don't get me wrong, I want my brother to have happiness, but I don't want him to be a part of my life.  I feel sorry for him, I get that his life was hard, but that still does not give him the right to violate me the way he did.  He took a lot from me.  I think that the hardest thing for me is that he left me a "distorted" image of a loving Heavenly Father.  He left me with a lack of trust in the Holy Ghost, and in myself,  and everything beautiful that the Gospel has to offer.  In our LDS faith, we believe that Families can be together Forever, but yet when you were abused by Family, that is not a beautiful concept. 

I pretty much kept my emotions in check yesterday.  I was busy at both jobs and so there was not a lot of time to think about anything else.  I did advise the Relief Society President that I would be unable to do the visiting teaching assignment that she had requested after a dear friend pointed out that I would be setting myself up for failure if I didn't meet my own expectations-which she is right because when I do my visiting teaching it is more than a monthly visit, so I told her "no" and she was awesome and understanding about it. 

However, I noticed last night, as I laid in bed that I kept my emotions in check until I actually laid down in my bed but the sad thing is that I can count on 1 hand everything I ate yesterday.  NICE!  I so know my habits, which I hate, and yes, I tend to do this.  Yesterday, after my 2nd job my blood sugar was so low, I thought I was going to pass out, even while I was working I kept wondering in my head why I didn't grab something to eat while I was home for the all of 30 minutes between jobs?  So, I am almost ready to pass out when I have to go to Target to get some things...  I get in to the store completely exhausted, my body is aching, and my blood sugar is low.  I am thinking I need to just grab anything and open it, but of course, I had my pride so I didn't, I let the cart hold me up.  I walk thru the store and grab the things that I need and then I stopped at the chocolate...  I spent $40 last night at Target and if I had to guess, $15 of it was chocolate, the rest was toilet paper and fabric softener, with a few other items in between!  Again, NICE!  I opened up the candy bar and ate it, and came home.  I got out of my sweaty clothes and fixed dinner for my family and went to work cleaning my house.  I didn't eat the dinner, only fixed it.  So, yes, of the 5 items that I ate yesterday, 1 of them was a candy bar.  Isn't that lovely?  When I was pregnant I had diabetes.  I learned all about "empty calories",  this means, no significant value to your body, no nutrition, just calories, and yes, that is what I did. 

5:45 comes awfully early in the morning when you are exhausted.  I got up and went walking, the mornings are starting to be really dark when I head out which sometimes that is a good thing, but when you are over sensitive to your surroundings, not so good.  I live in a fairly safe neighborhood, but there are a lot of apartments that I don't know who or what is living in them.  Even walking past their cars parked on the street had me a little freaked out this morning. 

I didn't do a smart thing this last month and so I frantically have to fix it before it is too late and that is I kind of let my health insurance go.  They needed some paperwork filled out, and I not being overwhelmed in the slightest ignored it.  It's not a smart thing when you have had cancer.  So, I am working two jobs, trying to manage the bills, college, back to school, and paper work.  Lots of paper work.  I am taking tomorrow off of my jobs to get the paper work done.  Hopefully by this time Saturday morning, I can say that all of the paper work is turned in.  No worries, I am sure that there will be something else in my life that I have forgotten to do.

I have pretty much cried myself to sleep for the last 3 days.  I have had many thoughts since Sunday when I was asked to change my visiting teaching assignment.  It also did not help that yesterday was my 22nd wedding Anniversary.  I am still not sleeping in the same room as my husband as I work things thru my head. 

My thoughts that I have been having since Sunday happen to do with my religion and what I believe, what makes me who I am.  I will however admit, that I have had flashbacks of that first night of abuse with my brother and his friend plaguing my thoughts. 

Yesterday, as I was going thru my thoughts, I struggled with my "inner voice", the one that tells me right from wrong.  Trust me, I tried to quiet it all day.  It is impossible unless I leave this life.  And even then, I am not so sure I don't take it with me.  But, again another confession, it was a thought. 

I said last week that maybe I didn't understand the Atonement because I didn't know my Savior.  So, I started reading about his life.  Then I was thrown for the loop with my new assignment.  I have thought that I can't do my LDS faith.  One of the first principles of the gospel is Faith.  I have very little right now.  I keep planting seeds of Faith, things that are supposed to be beautiful to me, and I am not getting what I want.  I talked with the Bishop last night and he reminded me that the Gospel is supposed to bring a spirit of peace and comfort.  So, again, why am I coming up with something different? 

I am struggling to know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  I have always struggled with it so this is nothing new.  But, in my head, I keep repeating "if this is love, I sure would hate to see what it looks like when he hates me."  When I first started my journey, I read many church talks about abuse.  Richard G Scott has a good one and one of the things he says is that sometimes  the Lord gives the courage to one who has been abused to heal from it to cleanse the line.  So, I thought about that being my role.  With this new assignment I have been fighting my inner voice that says that I "can make a difference" in the life of this other family.  I have recited scripture "turn the other cheek", I have recited my Patriarchal blessing "others will see the way you live your life and they will want to know more about the Gospel."  I have said "it's not fair", I have been told that no one would blame me if I did not accept this assignment, but then the inner voice challenges me. 

This healing was supposed to be in my time.  So many times I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions.  I really was working on forgiving my brother and trying to accept what he had done to me.  So, I totally blocked what this other boy did to me.  It was on the shelf.  I unfortunately, had to open the box on Sunday.  The truth is, I was raped by this young man in my home, after my brother raped me first and instead of my brother protecting me, he watched. 

So, now again, the question that I have asked, was this assignment out of "inspiration" or was it "desparation".  I have always felt that my assignments were out of "inspiration" because I have been given some amazing assignments and they have been for me, so now what?