Jade had me read D&C 50 & 88.  I think that these sections talk a lot about light, how to discern light from darkness.  Where the darkness comes from, and exactly who is the light.  I know that Jesus Christ is the light of the world.  In D&C 88 it talks about Jesus is even the light not only in the sun, but in the moon and the stars.  It is so hard for me right now to discern light from dark.  Before I started taking medication I knew how the spirit felt for me.  Now, I must find a new way to feel the spirit as often times the medication takes that feeling away from you.  I asked my Bishop just wht you do when you do have those "dark" days?  When you look up at the stars, you just see a little speck of light.  When I do have those "dark" days, do I even have a "speck of light", like the stars?  Is that enough to get me thru the darkness?  What do I do when the darkness becomes too much?

I met with Jade and we talked about my abandonment issues with him.  I told him that I felt that he was abandoning me because it wasn't important for him to schedule me an appointment the week prior.  I totally went into a tail spin on the week that I did not have a session with him.  The day that I was going to meet with him, he needed to cancel my appointment because of a family conflict.  This made things worse for me.  I then told him to cancel my future appointments because I couldn't do the appointments any more, where I wondered if I was going to have an appointment or if I wasn't, etc. 

So, as we talked about my abandonment issue with him, he pointed out that I abandoned him before he would ever abandon me.  He pointed out that I do this with all of my relationships.

So, it has been awhile since I have posted and there has been a lot going on.  I have had 2 meltdowns since my last session with Jade.  My first one was on a Sunday, we had Home Teachers planned and I was stressed because my house was a mess.  I had talked to Jade the day before about 1st Corinthians chapter 13 and we talked about Charity.  I started thinking of the person I was, the person that served continually, and really, I loved doing it.  I think of the person I have become and I became so overwhelmed that I freaked out.  I called the Home Teachers and asked them not to come.  I went to sacrament and then, I came home and took a nap.  I was exhausted.  I slept thru Abbey's talk and her presentation of her Faith in God award.  I felt bad about that, and if you can't tell, I still do.

My last melt down was on Saturday.  I did not have any therapy last week.  I think I became overwhelmed.  I also think that I had some abandonment issues with Jade, because I did not have a therapy session.  With my abandonment issues I became completely overwhelmed.  I started texting Jade, trying to get any form of response, I got nothing.  Then, after not getting a response, the abandonment issues escalated, which then caused more excessive texting.  Now, after sitting with my emotions I have come to the Shame portion of this cycle.  I am embarrassed over the excessive texting.  I'm embarrassed that I opened up in my texts.  I feel like I gave him too much information.  I feel like he now knows the real me.  I thought about the job of a therapist, his job is to listen, then I started wondering if I was paying Jade to care.  I asked my Bishop, he said that therapists don't get paid enough, but that they are genuinely concerned. 

I meet with Jade tomorrow.  I am stressed about my appointment.  A part of me does not want to go.  A part of me wants to let things settle down and maybe show up to my appointment on the 13th.  A part of me wants to be done with therapy all together.  I keep hearing Jade's voice in my head telling me to "push thru it."  I am tired of pushing.  The sad truth is I am not happy where I am, but pushing thru is scary and hard.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for.  I don't want this blog to just be a downer.  Sometimes it may feel like that but that's because I do have a lot of stressors going on in my life right now.  My bathtub pipe broke and leaked on the woman below, my oven blew up, my car is leaking oil.  But, Becca is home safe from her trip, my gas is shut off in my oven so there is no danger there, and my family is alive and healthy. 

In my prior post I mentioned that I had a breakdown on Sunday.  It was really scarey.  I really needed to get out of my house.  I couldn't take it any more.  I was so stressed that I cancelled the Home Teachers, took a nap, stayed home with my kids, and made chicken noodle soup for dinner.  It ended up being a very low key day.  I really did let my bipolar get the best of me on Sunday.  I missed Abbey's last talk in Primary.  I missed her getting her Faith In God award.  She is a very forgiving kid, for that I am also truly grateful.

Because Sunday was so scarey, I didn't know what to do.  I became overwhelmed so fast.  I almost left my home.  I didn't think about calling UNI, I didn't think about texting my therapist, my bishop, or my friends.  I was literally going to run away.  I don't know if I would have returned or not because I really was not in a good frame of mind.

I had a therapy session with Jade on Saturday.  We talked a lot about my work, and then we talked about my circle of friends and how little it is.  Then we talked about 1st Corinthians 13. We talked a lot about Charity and how I need to get out of myself.  Yesterday, being Sunday, we had scheduled for the Home Teachers to come to the house.  I became so overwhelmed that I had Jed cancel the Home Teachers.  I went to Sacrament Meeting, and then I went home.  I cried so much yesterday that I was exhausted.  I thought about the person I used to be.  The person who served everyone I could think of, and then some.  Now, I am lucky enough to serve my family, and I don't even do that well. 

It has been a couple of days since I have blogged.  I have had a lot on my mind.  In my last post I asked if mental illness was a choice?  I am learning that I don't have a choice if I have bipolar or not, because trust me, if I did, I would not need a therapist or medication.  I became very suicidal on Wednesday and Thursday.  I finally had some time to myself and had a bubble bath.  As I sat in my bubble bath I had University Neuropsychiatric on the phone to help talk me thru what I was going thru.  My work has been really hard.

I have read so much about mental illness.  What does it mean when you have a mental illness?  I read an article on how mental illness is just like cancer, or a heart condition, but most often, cancer goes away.  Dr's can fix a heart condition.  Mental Illness doesn't go away.  I will have BiPolar for the rest of my life.  One comment Jade said to me last weekend that has stuck with me is he stated that he got the impression that I felt like my mental illness was a choice.  Maybe I do, maybe I am hoping that all of this will go away, maybe I'm dreaming, maybe I'm not.  Why can't it be a choice?

For one of my homework assignments I had to list 10 things that I needed to be forgiven for.  I have reflected on this question for some time, and I did come up with the list.  I followed my gut and wrote this list.  One of the things that I needed to forgive myself for is not being the kind of wife/mother that I wanted to be.  Jade and I then talked about all of the "hats" that I am wearing.  I know that I am wearing a lot of hats but there is not one that I can set down right now.

I wish sometimes that my head would slow down and let me breathe for just a moment.  Right now, my head is killing me, my heart is racing, and my muscles are tight, not sure why.  I met with Jade on Saturday.  We went over my list of 10 things that I needed to forgive myself for.  He said I don't give myself enough credit for all of the "hats" I am wearing.  He also said one thing that I have thought a lot about since Saturday.  He said that he had the impression that I felt that my mental illness was a choice.  As I have reflected on that comment I have felt the same impression.  I feel like I am doing all of this (therapy, medication) for attention.  If I could just wish it away, I would be happy.  But, instead, it is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.  That is something that is really hard for me to take.  My parents don't understand and tend to tell me that things "aren't as bad as I make them out to be."  Last night, they gave me a book on how to handle depression on your own.  That was nice.  Don't you think if I could do this on my own that I would have done it a long time ago.  Realistically, they should be grateful I am doing therapy and medication as I have had those suicidal moments, times where I should have been hospitalized but that I had understanding Dr's that helped me so that I could stay home and continue to work.  I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but for my family, it was a blessing.

So, I still have not done my homework for Jade tomorrow.  I have been doing a lot of work, just not the exact homework that he has requested.  I will work on it as much as I can tonight to prepare for my appointment tomorrow.  I am trying to enjoy the holidays a little more than I have the past couple of years.  I am just so tired.  I go home every night and I am literally exhausted and fight to keep myself up past 9:00 until all the other kids are asleep.  Some days are better than others.  This week, I haven't been doing so well on taking my medications.  I even skipped my calcium.  I think that subconsciously I just didn't want to take my pills.  I really have had a lot to work thru.  This week has been no exception, as I have worked with the Bishop.  I am learning a lot about Heavenly Father and his plan for me.

Yesterday, Jed and I went to see Meet the Mormons.  It is a very touching movie.  The last segment was about a Missionary Mom.  She was a single Mom when she met the missionaries.  She was depressed and her life had become unmanagable.  I could relate to this and I sat and cried as I listened to how the Gospel had changed this woman's life.  I want the Gospel to change my life.  This road has been hard.  I asked the Bishop if I changed the path that the Lord had for me.  In Alma chapter 7 it talks about how the Lord's path is straight.  So, I imagine that I possibly have a "road block" or a "stop" sign in the middle of my path right now.  In our religion we always pray in the name of Jesus Christ.  As I reflected on my questions and answers I have received, I reflected on the miracles that Christ had performed.  It wasn't until then, that I realized that Christ performed these miracles in the name of the Father. 

Jade and I talked about my relationship with Heavenly Father.  I asked him about the anger that I had towards Heavenly Father.  Jade mentioned that anger is always a secondary emotion.  When push came to shove I found that my primary emotion was hurt or pain from Heavenly Father.  So, what is it with Heavenly Father that causes me to feel hurt.  As I reflected on this question this past weekend I asked myself this many times.  I think what makes me hurt is that Heavenly Father allowed the abuse to happen.  I hurt that he didn't answer my prayers.  I hurt that my parents still to this day don't believe that it was anything more than playing Dr.  I hurt that I have allowed this to change who I am.  I hurt that I don't have a trusting relationship with Heavenly Father.  I hurt that I can't willingly turn myself over to him because of that lack of trust.  I hurt that I have to have control over every situation that involves me.  I hurt that Heavenly Father has lead me down paths that are uncomfortable for me.  I understand that everything will "work together for my good."  But, sometimes I wonder where he is.  Sometimes I feel very alone. 

I got a little burned out asking Heavenly Father my questions and then searching for the answers and so I stopped that.  I felt like I asked enough questions for the month that I didn't need any more answers.  The questions that I asked were pretty deep and I felt like he answered them as best as he could.  Now, it is my job to take that "leap of faith" as I mentioned in a prior post.  I have been so down the last couple of days.  Not sure why.  I feel like crying, and to be honest, I hope that I can go home and cry some time today just to get it out.  I was told by my boss today that I don't communicate well and that I get misunderstood a lot.  I texted Jade and told him I was just wasting his time.  Then I researched communication and becoming better at it, it mentions to go to a therapist.  Yet another reason why I am going to see Jade.  I am sad that I have bipolar and that I will have it for the rest of my life.  I am sad that my children have to see me go through it and in my heart hope that it doesn't affect their life too much.  I was supposed to meet with my psychiatrist this afternoon but had to cancel as I had already taken too much time off of work.  I sure wish I knew what my future held for me.  Although, I am feeling more confident in looking for another job, which is a plus, I guess.  I have been watching a lot of Hallmark's Christmas movies every night.  I love hanging out in my bed staying cozy under the covers.

So, the question for yesterday, How do I know God answers prayers and how will I know that he answers my prayer?  To be honest, this question made me sad.  I of course researched it again on LDS.org.  I read several articles online.  I also asked-if I prayed for the abuse to stop, why didn't he stop it?  The answer did come in an article about prayer.  It said, the Lord sees things from an Eternal Perspective, and we see things as an Earthly Perspective.  Both are different.  What the Lord might have seen was me progressing even though I was given this trial.  Maybe he found that I would be stronger in the Gospel.  I am certainly learning more about the Gospel and the things that Heavenly Father would want me to know. 

There is something that you can't research and that is the burning feeling in your chest that warms your entire being, where you take that leap of faith and say you know.  When nothing else explains it, you just know.  Sometimes you just have to tell yourself you know until you believe.

I have pondered on the research that I have read.  Sometimes, you do just have to trust that Priesthood Leader.

Yesterday's question of the day was How do I know God loves me?    Well, I came up with the regular answers; nature, blessings, safety, etc.  But those answers did not seem to comfort me like I would have hoped, so I dug a little deeper.  Jade, my therapist, has told me several times that I need to "trust the priesthood and its leaders".  This comment rang thru my head loud and clear several times yesterday as I reflected on this question.  I researched on LDS.org.  There are so many times that no amount of research can give you the answer that you want either.  So, how did I solve my dilemma?  I went back to the comment from Jade, "trust your priesthood leaders"  (can you tell that he has said this to me more than once?!?)  I love my Bishop, I love the Prophet and the Apostles, each one of them has testified to me of the love of our Heavenly Father.  I have to go off of that right now until I feel it for myself.

November is finally here.  A time to be Thankful for our blessings.  As I reflect on this blog, I am grateful that I have had the time to keep this up.  I pray that one day, someone will be able to see this blog and realize that I am a survivor.  That nothing could beat me.  It could have knocked me down, but I was never out! 

This week I have been asked to ask Heavenly Father 1 question per day and wait for the answer.  Yesterday I asked if I was able to forgive my brother even though he was dead?  I opened my scriptures and found 2 Nephi 9:17-20.  I realized that 1- I am not the judge of my brother, that is the Lord's job and I cannot take that away from him, neither do I want to, but now that is one less thing I have to worry about.  2-I learned that I need to heal from my shame.  My shame is actually affecting my relationship with God.  In this scripture he talks about bearing our crosses and then "despise" shame.  Well, I despise shame but I don't like to acknowledge it either.  That's why I am still going to therapy.

Today is another day where I have thoughts of Heavenly Father and my relationship with him.  I wish I could say that I believed that I was a daughter of God.  Instead, I just say it in the hopes that one day I will believe it.  I asked the Bishop if it was OK to be angry with God?  In searching for my answers I found that I am not angry, but I am hurt.  I am hurt that I prayed for safety and some nights I didn't get it.  I am hurt that I don't feel that inner peace that he promises to bring.  I am hurt that sometimes it feels as though I am trudging this road alone, and maybe that is what he wants me to do, I don't know. 

I struggle with prayer.  Why pray if no one is listening?  Really!  Right now, my financial situation is a mess, I have bipolar which is out of whack as I adjust my medication, I have several problems that I am facing.  I sometimes ask God, if he could move a mountain, why doesn't he move my mountain. 

I read today that we shouldn't really be asking God Why, but What is a more productive question.  Questions like, What am I supposed to be learning from this experience?

I was able to get an appointment with Jade, which was a miracle in and of itself.  We talked about Heavenly Father and how I feel abandoned by him, like I said in my prior post.  This was not an easy question and required a whole lot of soul searching.  Jade asked me when was the last time I felt peace.  I am going to say, that the last place I actually felt peace was in the temple.  He said it's nice to feel peace when  your home (meaning the temple!).  To be honest, I struggled with that comment, and I let him know that.  Because right now, there is not a whole lot of peace in my home.  This week he has asked me to fast and pray and ask Heavenly Father my questions.  To write them down and wait and listen to hear the response.  This should be interesting

How do I feel abandoned by God?  That is the magical question this week from Jade.  I have been talking to my Bishop about some of my feelings but here, I can get my feelings out and not worry about what people think of me.  I must admit, I did let some of my real feelings out with my last email to the Bishop.  I hope he doesn't think less of me of the things that I wrote.  I don't know how to be angry with God.  He is someone that I cannot see which makes this very difficult.  There are billions of Heavenly Father's children all over the world, I am a particle of sand amidst a world of beaches.  Why should I matter?  Do I matter?  Maybe I need to go back to step one and find out again if there really is a God?  If my relationship with my Earthly Father mirrors my relationship with my Heavenly Father, I must really need some help.

So, I don't see Jade for 2 weeks, which is actually killing me because he gave me some pretty intense thoughts and homework.  We talked about Shame and how shame happens.  Shame comes from abandonment which leads to isolation.  It is a terrible cycle.  So, I have some shame when it comes to my religion.  I struggle to feel worthy of my Savior's love, let alone my Heavenly Father.  Right now, I have isolated myself from Heavenly Father, which means that I feel abandoned by him.  As I reflected on this statement, I have found that it is true I have isolated and there are times where I do feel abandoned by the Lord.  Yesterday as I was pondering during the Sacrament I asked "how much longer do I need to be in the refiner's fire?"  I have been here a very long time.  Sometimes it seems as though I will be there forever.  Then I think was I not good enough to get out, have I not learned something that I am supposed to learn?  Again, another terrible cycle.

My homework this week is to write 10 things that I need to forgive myself for.  It should be pretty easy right?  Yeah, I will work thru it.

Life goes on, even when we think it should slow down, or even stop.  We get a day older, the seasons change, you should start getting the picture.  I am needing life to slow down.  My emotion yesterday was shame, again!  My Bishop found out about my bill with LDS Family Services.  He already knew about it, but he thought that I was paying it.  In a prior conversation with my Bishop he stated that I was to pay what I could and then the Ward would pay the rest.  I guess he forgot, or I misunderstood, but LDS Family called him about my bill.  He had the Ward pay it, but I was very ashamed that the Ward had to pay it. 

We went and met with the Bishop regarding the budget.  It was not pretty.  I really need Jed to get a job.  I also was contacted by the Attorney for Lemon Tree.  I just can't take much more.  My life is pretty stressful for me.

If I had to pick an emotion today (which I do! :) ) I would say today, I am a little overwhelmed with life.  I am a little stressed about our financial situation.  I got our mortgage payment reduced and I think I am on my last wage garnishment on October 31st which is awesome.  But, we are still in a financial mess.  Jed hasn't gotten a job.  He has been studying for his commercial drivers license now for a month and still has not taken the test. 

I went walking today with Jan Greenhalgh, the Relief Society President.  We started walking together yesterday.  I ended up with a huge blister today.  My concern is it is a huge open wound.  Keep in mind, I am a MRSA carrier, so that is a big concern for me. 

I hardly slept last night, and so I am exhausted.  I sure could use a nap!

So, I didn't do my therapy homework last week, which made for a very interesting therapy session.  I was sorry that I did not do my homework and I didn't want to waste the therapists time, but I had my session anyway.  We talked about my experience with bullying, I wouldn't go into details.  I was afraid that Jade would not accept my thoughts or that he would laugh at me.  I know that I need to trust him, but this one memory is very humiliating, it is painful to keep reliving.

The homework that I avoided last week was identifying my emotions.  Saturday after my session I felt sadness.  I longed for what a normal kid goes thru.  I know that some kids get bullied, but I was bullied at home and at school, and at church.  There was no where for me to go where I was not bullied.  I am pretty lucky that I turned out the way I did and I am very blessed to have awesome friends in my later years. 

Yesterday, my primary emotion was humility.  I attended the Addiction Recovery group last night and was completely humbled as I listened to 2 young men relate their addiction to alcohol, how both of them ended up living on the streets.  I have been pretty blessed to always have a home to live in.  In the book it talks about how we have to hit "rock bottom" in order to realize where we have to go.  In my sharing, I shared that the Lord helped me to hit "rock bottom".  I had a dear woman come up to me after and asked what I meant.  I told her of my experience with my first flashback.  She had a totally different perspective than I did.  She stated that Heavenly Father must have loved both my brother and I for my brother to be able to pass thru the veil and ask for forgiveness.  She also stated that Heavenly Father must have really trusted me to show me such immense emotion.  I had never thought of it like that.

Today, in identifying my emotion I am feeling a lot of Shame.  I think that Shame is one of the most painful emotions for me.  I live with shame a lot.  The dictionary has 2 definitions for Shame the noun definition is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.  The verb definition is to make someone feel ashamed.  I looked up the definition for ashamed.  Ashamed is an adjective that states "reluctant to do something through fear of embarrassment or humiliation."  There are times thru this were I feel shame while attending therapy.  I am not going to lie, I think I feel it almost every week.  Shame is honestly killing me because basically I am ashamed to be alive some days.  Sadly, today is one of those days, I am just in a funk and cannot get out.

My mind has been going 1,000 miles an hour this week.  I hardly sleep because it is so difficult to shut off my brain.  For some reason I have been terribly sad since my last therapy session, and I go again tomorrow. 

I think it is because I am sad for the times I was bullied.  I wanted to lock those images out of my memory and be done with them.  However, that is not possible when you are working on inner child work. 

I went to vocational rehab yesterday.  We talked about my job situation.  The specialist that was working with me told me that the "writing is on the wall" and that my boss "doesn't have a backbone to fire you."  That was hard to hear, but it was the truth.  I don't know what I am going to do, but it sounds as though I will be looking for another job. 

I totally believe that God will guide me to where I need to go and that things will work out the way he wants it to be for me.  I have to do the work, but let him do the rest.  I am not really good with that. 

There have been many times this week where I have just wanted to cry.  Sometimes the tears are there, and sometimes they are not, but inside I just feel sad.

I am going to admit, I have been isolating myself from my therapist.  I just haven't had any questions for him.  I haven't texted him in days, which always causes him some concern.  I guess I should just send him a text and tell him I am OK, but really, what does it matter?  It's not like he doesn't have other clients that need him more than I do.  I don't want to be like that little boy that cried "wolf" all those times, and then when there really was a "wolf", no one responded.  I must also admit, I have been isolating from everyone.  I just don't feel like talking.  I feel like all I do is speak negative and no one wants to be around a negative person, so I just stay to myself, unless I really need to go out, then I just dread being out.  Social interaction is very difficult for me, which before my mental illness, it was not a problem.  Now, I have anxiety, even going to church.  I feel like I am a different person than what I used to be.  I am so cautious of who I talk with because I am not comfortable with who I am.  There is such a stigma about mental illness.  I guess I have the stigma for myself because I don't really like who I am.  I do feel crazy, I do feel out of control, so I am what the stigma says.  It is just hard to accept.

I went to the NAMI class last night.  We talked about suicide and suicide prevention.  They talked about how we have to have a Crisis Plan.  They even asked us to put our crisis plan on our fridge.  Nice, I want everyone that comes into my home and opens my fridge to see my crisis plan!  I know I would have neighbor kids asking :).  It was a hard class to attend.

I love my therapist, Jade Mangus, he pushes me to where I need to go.  However, this week, I have been pushed too hard.  I am still reeling from my prior session and it's Wednesday, it's almost time for another session.  My homework has been to name my emotions.  I have an app on my phone that I can track my moods but writing about what caused my mood, what I did to get out of it if it was a difficult emotion, and what was the use of the emotion.  Really?  How does one person write down their emotions when it is so hard to identify them.

My stomach has just been churning since Saturday's session.  I am not sure why, but I have had a lot of anxiety about it.  I even sent a text to Jade advising him that I could not complete my homework this week because of the difficult time I have been having. 

I have been really struggling with the pain that my last therapy session brought to the surface in regards to being bullied in my youth.  I am surprised at how the bullying has affected me, even today as I still have pain when I think of my experiences.  I truly want to cry.  I told my Bishop, I didn't think I could go any further in therapy.



He sent me a reply and asked me what gospel principles I am learning from therapy.  I wrote " 

When Jade was asked what his treatment goal for me was, he stated that I would know when I was done when I have forgiven myself.  My first thought was that I am learning forgiveness, forgiveness of my brother, my parents, my friends, etc.  As the scripture states “love thy neighbor as thyself”.  I have never loved myself, I still have a problem with this.  In our Relief Society lesson on Sunday Cecily Cook taught the lesson and talked about photography where she compared us to a picture that wasn’t perfect.  However, when the photo is cropped and taken care of, that picture becomes “wall worthy”.  After the lesson Jan, the Relief Society President, came up to me and asked me if I felt like I was “wall worthy”.  I am still working on “cropping and taking care of” my picture.  I am learning to understand the Atonement on a much more personal level than I could ever have imagined.  I am learning that Gethsemane was not just for sin, but also for my inequalities, my weaknesses, my worries, my fears, the list goes on and on.  I am learning to have hope and to trust in God, knowing that his plan is greater than I could ever imagine. 

  

The next question he asked is "What am I doing well? "That was the hardest question that he gave me today.  He then replied to me to read the last couple sentences in the paragraph above.

 

The last question he asked is "where can I improve?"  My response is as follows,"

I still am not so sure about my self -worth.   I am learning, but it is a slow process for me.  I wish I could just say that I know I am a Daughter of God, but that is one of those positive affirmations I keep telling myself so that one day, I will believe it.  I need to improve my relationship with Heavenly Father.  To be honest, I don’t know how to pray to him.  It is very hard for me to ask for things for myself.  I remember you stating that Prayer was a Covenant.  I am trying.  Sometimes it feels as though no one is listening."

 

So, it sounds as though therapy is helping, it is just soooooo hard.  Did I mention how hard it was?  I am learning a lot, but there is a lot of pain that goes along with it.

 

 I

Well, therapy day was just as hard as I predicted.  We opened up talking about General Conference, and then we got into the nitty gritty of my homework.  We talked about how the negative rules/messages have changed the way that I am and my way of thinking. 

Jade also had me watch a video on bullying.  I watched the video and we discussed my first impressions of the video.  Jade was appalled with the way the teenagers treated the girl in the video.  The sad truth is that I was treated much like that girl.  I advised Jade that it was a hard video to watch but that nothing surprised me.  Then we discussed my life growing up.  I was bullied not only at home, but also at school and church.  I never felt like I fit in with anyone.  I spent a lot of time by myself. 

I couldn't bring myself to tell Jade about a situation that I had in 7th grade.  I have been blessed with long legs, but also a short waist.  I have never been one to wear low rider pants and so my pants look like they are pulled up a little higher than the normal person.  (Now that I am older, I just leave my shirts untucked!)  But, one day in Science class, a young boy, Paul Vanleer, pulled up his pants all the way to his chest and asked the class "hey guys, guess who I am, I am Mary Troop!".  I was so humiliated.  There were times where the bus would be pulling away from the school with the kids and I would hear snide remarks coming towards me from the boys on the bus.  One in particular liked to mock me quite incessantly, Matt Clark.  I never did do anything with that group of boys but they sure liked to make fun of me.  I remember walking home from school on more than one occasion in tears because of what the boys said out the window.

Junior High was a rough time for me.  Even the girls in the Ward bullied me.  I remember finding papers that they would write back and forth to each other where they mocked how I dressed, or how I wore my hair that day, or even if I smelled funny.  It hurt my feelings.  This was normal for me.  I got to the point where I backed away from all of my friends.  Even my Ward friends, the ones that are supposed to like you for who you are, the ones that have been with you since you were 3.  None of them wanted to hang out with me.  I spent a lot of time by myself.

Tomorrow is Therapy day.  I have to admit, I have been isolating myself this week from my therapist because I can't help but feel like I am annoying.  He has never said that I was, but when I get into my emotional mind, it is tough turning back.  I sent him some pretty intense texts earlier this week that I felt stupid sending, after I sent them.  My homework this week has been to look at the negative messages and rules that I had placed on me as a child and see how they have affected my relationships.    How has the negative rules/messages affected my relationships?  I have to ask myself.

In my marriage, I married the first man that ever took notice of me.  He is a kind man, he has never physically hurt me.  He has some issues of his own, but in the end, I do love him.  He kind of grows on you!!!

I have distanced myself from many of my friends because of the shame that I carry.  I distanced myself from friends so many years ago that even as a teen I did not have many friends.  Even the friends I had, talked negative about me behind my back.  Most days when I got home from school I would go into my bedroom and sleep.  Weekends, I spent by myself.  I only attended 1 dance in all my high school years.  Even then, the boys in my Ward mocked me.  That hurt worse than spending money to go. 

In my relationship with my parents.  I am still trying to please them, every chance that I can get.  I know that they love me, and I know how hard they are trying.  I am trying very hard too.  And you know, since telling them about my abuse, it has been a little bit easier to talk with them.  My Mom still wants to put it under the carpet.  My Dad wants to be more understanding. 

In my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  It has affected me the most as everyone says that he is there to talk too.  Some tell him everything about them.  Some ask for blessings.  Don't get me wrong, I do ask from safety, but that is pretty much what I ask for.  I have heard that some people just pray for the things they are grateful for.  I am grateful for all of the many blessings that Heavenly Father has given me.  He has blessed me more than I could ever comprehend.  There are times where I am in awe of what he has given me.  He has given me more than I feel I am worth.

Today is my birthday.  What are my thoughts today?  Well, I have pondered on my inner child and to be honest, I just want to cry today.  I pondered on my 8th Birthday.  I was so excited to have a Birthday, but so terrified to be baptized.  I remember hoping that others would forget about my Baptism so I wouldn't need to go thru with it.  I remember Verlon Duncan was my Bishop.  He knew of my fears.  Even in my interview with him, I told him I didn't think that I could get baptized.  He was so kind and gentle with me.  I remember that day going up to the A Frame chapel in our Stake.  He let me help fill the font with water.  I even picked the temperature. 

Baptisms are so special in our religion, and each baptism that I have prepared my daughters for has been very special and dear to my heart.  Each one of them looked beautiful in their 2nd of 3 white dresses.

I remember shaking as I entered that Font.  Many thought I was shaking because the water was cool, but I was shaking because of my fear.  I was so worried I would fall, or I would do something that would humiliate myself and my family.  My Grandparents were there.  The last thing I wanted to do was embarass them.  I did it.  I did get baptized and my fear went away.

I still worry about failing in the face of my family.  I worry about humiliating them, or embarassing them beyond belief.  My Grandparents are both gone now, and I never could measure up.

Now that I am baptized I can honestly say that my baptism day has blessed my life immensely, no matter how frightened I was I survived.  Much like many other situations in my life.  Each week when I partake of the Sacrament, I still struggle with my fears of humiliating myself, my family, friends, etc.  I still feel like I can't measure up enough to please my Heavenly Father.  Sacrament is still very hard for me, but it is starting to get easier as I take little steps to come to know my Father in Heaven just a little bit better.

Sometimes I feel like I am such a pain to my family, my therapist, my friends, etc.  You get the picture, I just feel like a pain to everyone.  This is one of those moments that I feel like that.  Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be turning 44.  Everyday after 42 is an adventure for my family scenes how my siblings both died at 42.  I have had a memory that has been bugging me about my Birthday.  I remember when I was probably 10 years old my parents asked me what I wanted for my Birthday.  My parents laugh about it now, but when asked what I wanted for my birthday I told them I wanted a homemade birthday cake from my Mom and a "spanking" from my Dad.  Now that I look back on that I see that the abuse was occurring in my home and this was the only way I knew to get attention.  The sad thing is that it has been a family joke for all these years.  For over 30 years I am reminded of this every year.  I even remember what I got that year for my birthday.  I got a kit that I could make pom poms, a navy blue hoody that my mom sewed a rainbow on it, and a stuffed snoopy dog holding woodstock.  I loved my gifts.  I remember not wanting to be a pain to my family even then.  Ruffling feathers was never good in our home, you basically did what was asked of you, when you are asked, and there was nothing left to discuss. 

Now that I am older, and I am starting to heal from my abusive past, I have to look for the good things because I am tired of listing all of the bad.  I remember that Birthdays were the only time you got a round 2 layer cake.  Mom always made your favorite kind.  Mine of course was chocolate.  It hardly ever came from a box.  My Birthday's always coincided with UEA, a school holiday.  Oh, how I loved not having to go to school on my Birthday.  I love October because I love playing in the leaves.  Dad was hardly home and so if he was home that made it even more special.  He never seemed to get angry on your Birthday's, and if you were only expecting a spanking then him being nice was over the top right?!

I have still been reflecting on my homework assignment.  It has been one of the hardest assignments that I have been given.  Last night, I reflected on some of the hurtful names that I was called or I was told that I was, such as loser, loner, ugly, stupid, etc.  This form or bullying did not just come from my family but also from my friends.  It hurt to trudge up those memories.  I understand that I can't heal from them until they are out in the open.  I wrote down this list of names and then I didn't know what to do with it, so I burned it.  It felt good.  My kids wondered what I was doing.  Thankfully I did not set anything else on fire and I blew it out before I burned myself. 

I have still reflected on my relationship with Heavenly Father.  This relationship hurts the very most.  Jade and the Bishop have both said that my relationship with my Earthly Father is a mirror of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  This makes me sad.  I have been working thru some anger, anger at my parents, my brother, myself, and Heavenly Father.  I asked the Bishop if it was OK for me to be angry with God.  He texted back something that I absolutely needed to hear "he (God)has big shoulders."  Which means to me that he can handle it.  God is aware of my emotions right now.  As I have thought about my anger, I have thought, how can I change my anger into something good?  I could become an advocate over sexual abuse.  I have thought about coming out to my friends but I am not sure the rest of my family is ready to hear the news. 

For my homework this week I was to draw a picture of my trauma.  I drew a picture of my perfect home and even framed it.  Then I shattered the glass.  The picture was just a little stick figure house with a tree and even a smiling sun.  It had beautiful purple flowers lining the front of the house.  It felt so good to shatter the glass.  Even my kids got into the action. 

I took my picture to show Jade.  He asked if I regressed a little back into being a child.  I did, but it was good.  He then stated that it looks and sounds like, not only do I need to heal from the trauma but I need to grieve the loss of my perfect childhood. 

As I have pondered on my session, it makes me want to cry.  We talked about my child hood, the negative rules and negative messages that I received.

I met with the Bishop yesterday between General Conference sessions.  We talked a lot about my feelings of repentance and forgiveness.  At one point I asked him "how do you know that you are a child of God?"  We talked about that step in my healing process.  He mentioned that it will come with study and time.  You don't just learn it over night.  It is a growth process.  It is a very important part of my healing. 

One question I asked is "what if you repent and you screw up again?"  After I said it, I knew it was my "all or nothing thinking".  Just like my suicidal thoughts are "everything is good, or everything is bad."  The Bishop said there is a way that Jade can teach me how to rid myself of the "all or nothing" thinking."  Again, that takes time.

I have been trying to rush this process because I have been seeing Jade for so long. 

This last week we attempted to process chapter 8.  This chapter we talked about negative rules and messages.  It was hard but I thought I finished.  However, I failed to read the last paragraph.  It says, how did these negative messages affect your relationships not only with your family but also with God.  This 1 paragraph has caused me the most turmoil of the entire chapter as I reflect on how it has affected me.  Jade also had me watch a small video on Bullying.  I have been bullied most of my life.  It makes me sad to think about.

Last night at NAMI we talked about anxiety disorder and also PTSD.  I am finding I still have some symptoms of PTSD.  I am on edge around men.  My husband is concerned about me and so he continues to ask how I am doing.  Sometimes it is a little much.  I know he is concerned and I appreciate him. 

I have been thinking a lot about repentance and forgiveness.  As I wrote, last week I had some suicidal thoughts.  I struggled in Sacrament meeting as I believe that I need to repent for my suicidal thoughts.  It is very hard to control my thoughts.  When the Dr's change my medications it wreaks havoc on my brain.  Last week was no exception.  The question I ask is if I repent of my suicidal thoughts and I have them again, does that mean that my first try at repentance and forgiveness are not valid?

I read that Love is a necessary precursor to forgiving ourselves.  Does that mean if I don't particularly  LOVE myself right now that I can't forgive myself?

In regards to forgiving my brother.  It still hurts and the time I have put into my healing has been hard, but it has been worth it.  I don't know when I will know if and when I have forgiven my brother for what he did. 

Lots of religious questions going thru my head this week regarding repentance and forgiveness.  I know that I need to repent on a daily basis.  You are told during the sacrament that you should ponder on your week and find ways that you could do better.  Last Sunday was difficult as I pondered on my week, and thought that I was not going to be alive on Sunday.  That was a hard sacrament meeting as I thought that I should be repentant for my suicidal thoughts.  I truly am sorry for my thoughts, I know that life is a precious gift and one that I cannot take away freely.  My mental illness runs away with me and the medication makes me crazy.  When my medications are being adjusted it causes more suicidal thoughts than at other times. 

I truly am blessed to have such a wonderful family that cares for me, and helps to take away the hard days and tells me that I can keep going.

I met a young man named Kai that attempted to commit suicide.  He shot himself.  The damages to his face are indescribable.  He is missing an eye, and the front of his skull because of the shot.  It's really quite sad, however, he has a very good attitude about it and is enjoying his life.  He is grateful he is alive.

I met with Jade on Saturday.  We processed my new letter to my abuse, and then we processed chapter 7 of my child within book.  We did a lot of talking.  Jade was very understanding, he always is, and was very sympathetic to what I had been through.  We talked about my suicidal thoughts.  He has asked me to come up with another safety plan.  As we talked about Chapter 7 we talked about all of my abuse, not just the abuse from David but also from my parents.  That was a little bit hard to hear,  Jade even said he had no idea what I had been through, he thought my abuse was only from my brother. 

Jade has asked me to work on chapters 8 & 9 of the child within book.  My next appointment is Thursday.  My Dr increased my prozac back up to 60 mg.

Today is a better day.  My mind is more clear, hopefully that means that the medications are starting to work.  I feel like such a burden on others, Jade, Bishop Wittwer, Jed, and my kids.  Yesterday was a hard day.   As soon as I walked in yesterday from work, Maddie got up from the computer, and gave me a huge hug.  I needed that.  She even gave me a hug after I got home from my 2nd job.  It truly was just what I needed.  Heavenly Father touched her little heart enough to do for me what she could. 

I am nervous to go to my session on Saturday.  I have no idea what is ahead of me this week when it comes to Jade.  With all of my crazy texts, we evidently have a lot to talk about. 

I want to talk about me.  I want to talk about my bipolar, I want to talk about what to expect, how do I know if I am going down the wrong road.  I want to process my letter to my abuse, and I want to process chapter 7 of healing my inner child.  I want something to make sense.  I want Jade to help me to make sense of all of my confusion.

I'm not going to lie, today has been a rough day.  I know, it's another day of me saying it is a rough day!  As I had my suicidal thoughts on Monday, I had picked today to be my last day.  To be honest, it hurts me to even say that, but I just couldn't keep going like I was.  Thankfully, I had Jed give me a priesthood blessing and it seemed to calm me, add on the Bishop's kind words and I am living another day. 

Mark, my boss, came back home from his little vacation.  He started on me the entire morning.  He advised me how frustrated he was with me.  At one point I finally turned to him and told him that I couldn't keep frustrating any more that I wasn't mentally well enough to do the job that he was asking me to do.  Of course, he wouldn't let me quit, which I find is ironic, especially if I am frustrating him as much as he says. 

I did finally hear from Jade, it was a blessing that I really needed.  I needed it to just continue down this road that I am on.  I needed to know that he was still OK with me, even after all my craziness this week (yes, I was really crazy this week!). 

Yesterday was a rough day.  I did go home and rewrite my letter to my "trauma" although I have a hard time calling it "trauma" when it was clearly abuse.  So, I wrote my letter to my abuse.  I thought that I wouldn't have much to say, but heaven forbid, it ended up being 4 pages. 

I have been feeling very low.  The Dr's are working on my medication and so my mind is fluctuating as much as my meds are.  Yesterday I was very suicidal.  I know that my kids might struggle hearing that.  Please know that it isn't me, but is my mental illness.  Right now, until I get my medications under control, my emotions could run away with me.  Dad is working very hard to keep me safe.

I have been reaching out to Jade since I left my session last Thursday.  I have not heard 1 thing from him.  It is very frustrating when my emotions are going so crazy.  I have been texting him because as I mentioned in a prior post, my last session was rough.  That is how long I have been trying to reach out to him. 

This afternoon when I was struggling with my emotions I asked Jed for a priesthood blessing.  He then told me that he was impressed to mention that I needed to continue with therapy.  I also turned to my Bishop, Bishop Wittwer.  He thankfully responded to me.  He sent me a quote; "Human pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time.  Rather, it works its way out of our consciousness over time. There is a season of sadness.  There is a season of anger.  A season of tranquility.  A season of hope."  -- Thomas Moore.

I have to realize that no matter how hard it is, I need to keep going.  That there is a season of sadness, and a period of anger.  Then there comes a season of Forgiveness and hope.  

So, I have been doing some reading today in regards to my last therapy session.  Am I stressed about the changes that I have to make with work?  Yes!  Am I stressed about the changes that I have to make with home?  Yes!  Am I stressed about my trauma work?  Yes!  Which brings me the greatest anxiety right now?  I think it is me and my Bipolar diagnosis.  As I left Jade's office on Thursday, I felt as though we hadn't done anything, that we talked about absolutely nothing!  I even felt like saying "what about me?"  We forgot to talk about "me" and what all this means to "me".  Am I ready to change my relationship at work?  Probably not.  I need to focus on me first and let the other things fall in to place.  I wrote a letter to my trauma last week.  Jade asked me if that was really how I felt about my trauma?  At the time, I could say "yes", which I did.  Jade told me that I could write a letter to my trauma and then after I processed it, I could burn it.  This week if I had to write a letter to my trauma, my abuse, it would read differently. 

I am still reeling with emotions from my last session.  I am completely anxious and overwhelmed with my thoughts.  I struggle with eye contact during difficult moments in my sessions.  I have always struggled with this.  There is a picture behind Jade that I focus on when I can't answer Jade's questions.  I found myself looking at the picture a lot.  At one point though I was looking at Jade when he looked up to the ceiling.  My emotions are everywhere because of that single move.  Am I boring him?  Am I at a point where he doesn't know what to do with me?  Am I at a point where he is disappointed with my progress? 

My session with Jade did not go well yesterday.  We talked a lot about my job and how I need to stand up to my boss.  This is easier said than done.  He challenged me once again to stand up to my boss.  Once again I told him that I would see (which he takes as no!).  I really will do it when the timing is right.  We talked about my family, and then we talked a little about my patriarchal blessing.  I read my letter to my trauma that he asked me to write.  He then stated that based on my letter it sounded as though I wished my trauma never would have come out.  He also stated that there was a way that we could suppress my memories again.  We talked and he stated that no matter what the abuse would come out in a different way in my life.  So, that means that I am going to keep dealing with the emotions that I have been given because the last thing I want is for things to come out in another way.  What if I can't handle the other way?  We talked about this blog.  I mentioned to him that I had over 200 entries on this blog and that one day I was going to put it into a book for my children.  I mentioned to him that I wanted to write a letter to my kids explaining the book before I let them read it, and of course it will be when they are older.  This blog is for them, and for me.  This blog will hopefully one day become a strength to my children.  This blog has given me strength, it has helped me find a place for my emotions.

I went to the NAMI group last night.  We talked about Bipolar.  It was interesting.  I have to admit, I am a little scared of the manic stage.  I don't know which one is better, the manic stage or the depression stage.  I am in the depression stage and that is where the suicidal thoughts come, but in the manic stage you do crazy things, you don't sleep, and you don't really remember doing the things that you did, or at least after your done and out of the stage you think "that was a little crazy thing to do".

Jed's class talked about suicide and the warning signs of suicide.  When we got home we discussed the questions that he will ask.  He then informed me that if I become suicidal he would take me to the hospital, I understand, so I informed him what hospital I would prefer to go to.  It would be LDS Hospital.

Who would have thought that I would be discussing this with my family?  I never would have believed it. 

So, I have survived another day.  Really, it hasn't been hard.  Last night, I picked at my chin and pulled all of the whiskers out that I possibly could.  It felt so good!!!  This is called self-injury.  I know that it is bad, and I know exactly what triggered it. 

I am scheduled to meet with Jade on Thursday at 3:30.  This is the same time that the Viewmont Sophmore football team plays their game.  Jed asked Becca to get off of work to take me to therapy so he could go and keep score for the football team.  Jed does not get paid from the Sophmore football team which caused me a lot of stress.  I would hope that my therapy is a greater priority than keeping score for a football team for free.  Becca needs to work until 4:00 and so she cannot take me.  Even today at lunch, Jed asked if Jade could change my appointment to 2:30 so he could still make it to the game.  REALLY!!!  Am I not that important?  Am I not a priority in the lives of my family?

I went to Voc Rehab and met with a case worker.  She indicated that they would pay for 20 sessions of therapy for me, this is because I still have a job.  When she asked me what my career path should be I indicated that I probably needed a lower stress job.  I advised her that I was just barely diagnosed with Bipolar 2 weeks ago and so I am still trying to deal with the emotions of that diagnosis.  She told me that I needed to work on 1 thing at a time and that I needed to get my medication levels under control before I start working on my job.  I understand exactly where she is coming from.  I do have too many things going on right now.

In my session last week we talked about my job.  Jade started pressuring me to stand up to my boss.  He then asked if I would do it.  I told him "I'll see".  He then stated that his son says whenever he or his wife say "we'll see", the answer is always no.  Well, there are still so many things that I still need to work thru with my boss but today he asked me if I was a champion?  I told him I was working on it.  He then went off on me.  So, when he stopped talking, I asked him if he thought I was a champion?  He said yes and proceeded to tell me the things that he thought I had done well.  But, of course in the next breath he advised me that I was not a champion in simple things.  OH WELL!  I tried!

Today has been a rough day.  It has just been me and Mark in the office.  He has a lot to say about my attitude, and my work ethic, and my lack of accountability, and lack of responsibility.  I should want to be better than I am.  In DBT we are always told that we are doing our best with where we are at right now.  Evidently, my best is not good enough in this job.  Mark hates my all or nothing thinking, and he has even asked for input when we talk.  When I do talk, I am ridiculed and again I am not accepting accountability for my actions, I am just blaming him, and my life situations are not his fault.  He has a good life (or so I have been told, on a daily basis at least once.)

I have had some suicidal thoughts that have not been good.  I knew that I needed to reach out to someone and the only person I could think of was the Bishop.  Thankfully, he responded and helped me set my emotions at bay until I can get off work.  The Bishop told me to go home and rest after work today.  So, I plan on taking a candle lit bubble bath and getting in my jammies, hanging out with my kids and then going to bed. 

My session with Jade is tomorrow.  I have completed my homework this week, which was to go walking twice.  Yesterday, I went for my 2nd walk this week, and it was not one of those walks where I was grateful for my walk.  I was in my head quite a bit. 

I don't want to be Bipolar, I don't want borderline personality, I don't want to take medications for the rest of my life.  I thought that I would go to therapy for some time, take some anti depressants and eventually get off of them and stop needing therapy.  Now, I read that I will have bipolar for the rest of my life.  I can still get over the borderline personality, but the bipolar is never going away. 

As I did the NAMI walk last week, I saw a poster that says that at least 1/2 of the children born to parents with bipolar will get the disorder at some time in their lives.  I feel awful for what I have done to my children.  I hate that I am a financial burden on my Ward and on my Family.  I mentioned that to my Bishop, he said that it is another way of recognizing that I am not deserving of help. 

I don't know how to feel.  I am still very numb-I think that is a good thing, but maybe not.  As I sit and ponder on my Bipolar diagnosis I am confused and my head hurts. 

I went to BRIDGES which is a class that Nami puts on.  It was very interesting.  I had a lot of anxiety while I was there.  A young girl clicked her pen the entire night.  I struggle with the pen clicking as it is a trigger for me.  I am getting better with it, but it still made me anxious Tuesday night. 

I started on Lamotrigine, I don't feel any difference yet.  They say I should be tracking my mood.  Unfortunately, I think that I am still in the depressed state.  There is so much going on in my life.  I am still struggling financially.  I work 2 jobs and still can't get ahead.  I don't know what more I am supposed to do. 

I processed my flashback with Jade last week.  I have felt so much better.  They say that the flashbacks lose their intensity when you tell someone.  So, I did just that, I still need to talk to my Bishop about my feelings of worthiness.  This needs to be done before the Ogden Temple Dedication next week.

I still have a lot of anxiety.

Blog post from 9/9

Lots going thru my mind this week.  In my last session with Jade he announced to me that he thought that I had Bipolar II.  He asked me to complete a questionnaire, so I did and found that I was Bipolar.  This meant that I was on the wrong prescription.  Jade then asked me to complete a release form so that he could talk to my psychiatrist.  I signed the form and gave it to him.  I called my psychiatrist the next day and she asked me to schedule an appointment but to also start a new prescription.  I started Lamotrigine last night.  It will probably take 2 weeks for me to notice anything differently. 

 

Jade usually doesn’t like to make any diagnosis.  I am grateful that he did in my case because he knows me much better than my psychiatrist.  I only had 2 little homework assignments this week, 1 was to sign the form for Jade to talk to my psychiatrist which I had to do ASAP according to Jade, and the next assignment is to exercise at least 2 times before my next session.  Bless his heart he said that for how hard I am working, we should have seen an improvement in my moods and I should be compensated for my efforts. 

 

When it came to my Bipolar diagnosis, I am still wondering, what does this have to do with me and my future?  What does my future look like?  What does the future hold for my family?  Will this disorder get worse?  No one can answer my questions.  I even asked Bishop Wittwer, who is a therapist, if he knew any 85 year olds with Bipolar?  He wondered why I would ask?  It’s because I promised my children that I would live to be 85 or at least long enough to be their worst nightmare.  J

Blog post from 9/4

So, I have session tonight with Jade.  I am a little anxious as I have had a lot going on this week.  Jade asked me to emotionally prepare myself for Chapter 7 of my Gift to Myself book.  I am not sure what to think.  This book brings up a lot of things to the surface.  Things that I wish could have stayed buried for a very long time, like a lifetime.  I understand that the only way to really heal from this is to find how it impacted me. 

 

I have been thinking and I believe that I had a flashback in the Bishop’s office.  It started there and did not let up.  By Tuesday night I could not stand the images in my head any more.  I needed to tell someone.  I needed my flashback to lose its power.  I got up the courage and shared my flashback with Jed.  He just listened.  After I told about the flashback and had my emotional breakdown.  Jed and I just sat there, almost dumb founded, like “now what do we do?”  Jed was a little overwhelmed and he asked me to share my flashback with Jade. 

Blog post from 9/2

So, State Farm has determined that my blog is too deep to allow me to update at work.  That’s ok, I’ll  figure it out another way. 

 

This weekend, I had a session with Jade, we talked about my homework.  It was about the fact that I have a history of abuse in my family.  This was not new to me, I knew my whole life that there was history of abuse, I just didn’t know that it included me.  I thought that I had gotten thru my life unscathed.  Boy, was I wrong.  After I left Jade’s office it started to bother me.  Just because my family has a history of abuse, doesn’t give someone the right to abuse me.  After I started on this journey, I read that often times, one remembers abuse and gets the help needed.  By doing this, it is the Lord’s way of cleansing the lineage.  Isn’t it nice that it would be me that gets to do that?  I am pretty lucky that I have Jade to help me do that because I sure could not do this by myself.

 

I met with Bishop Wittwer this past Sunday.  We talked about prayer.  He stated that prayer is actually a covenant that we make to our Heavenly Father, and in turn, he covenants with us.  We continued talking and then I asked a deep question, one that I probably should not have asked.  I asked, why does the abuse feel like sin?  The Bishop stated that it is sin, but that the sin is not mine.  I then began talking to him about the images in my head, he asked if I was asking as if I had corroborated with my Brother.  Just then a knock was at the door and I hurried and left the office.  I never did get to explain some of what I was feeling to the Bishop.  I really did leave it at that.  I feel empty without answers and still have the images in my head.  I have had these images in my head for the last 3 years.  They are the same ones, over and over again.  This one in particular I had when I was meeting with Dr Frank.  I never did allow him to do EMDR on me with this flashback.

 

On Saturday after my session with Jade, I had felt pretty low.  I went home and ate a ton of food.  It was all healthy, but it was a lot.  Jed and I went to Chuck a rama.  I continued to eat.  I ate so much that I felt sick.  I came home and took my medicine and immediately gagged myself.  I had to run to the bathroom to throw up.  I felt so much better.  I have never binged and purged and the sad thing is that it felt good and I felt so much better.  I know that it is wrong.  My sister Alisa had bulimia for years so I am definitely going to need to discuss this with Jade so that I don’t head down this same road.

I have been working on my homework over the course of the week.  Jade had me working chapters 4-6 in A Gift to Myself.  I thought that I had those chapters pretty much done so decided to proceed to chapter 7.  In Chapter 7, they have you list all of your abuses, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  This chapter has been one of the hardest yet and has caused me a lot of distress.  Last night, I just had to break down and cry.  I didn't care that I was crying.  I was alone and I needed to cry. 

The Bishop emailed me and advised me that he would like to talk about prayer in our visit on Sunday.  This caused my stomach to churn.  As you know from several blogs back I have a difficulty with prayer.  It is a scary concept to me.  I'm not scared that God won't answer me, because I don't require much, and many things I do, I can do for myself.  I am more scared to give him my trust, hand it all over to him, and let him guide me.  If God does love me, then what does all of this mean.  I am still holding on to the controls of my life.  As my Boss always says, "I made my bed, now sleep in it." which means that I am the one that screwed up with my life and I better be comfortable where I am.

Jade also had me writing my prayers down, completing chapter 1 about hope in another book, and keeping a gratitude journal about myself.  It's hard to come up with things that you are grateful about yourself when you don't really like yourself.  That's why he is having me do this assignment.  I have come up with my cute toenails (even if they are cut a little too short), my glasses so I can see, and I have drawn a blank on the others, it takes me all day to come up with one thing.  I didn't do it yesterday, so I need to come up with 2 things tonight. 

I did ask Jade in a text if we could take a break from the book A gift to myself. 

Lots going on in life.  The kids are back to school.  Last night, we pulled a late night and you could tell this morning.  We will definitely be going to bed early tonight, that's for sure.  Yesterday the Bishop cancelled our appointment for last night.  That was hard for me to take.  I am really trying to trust the Bishop and then he cancels.  I know that he is a very busy man and there was a death in the ward so I understand that he needs to take care of those people first.  I do have Jade who is also LDS so I can ask him my religious questions but it seems like it is wasting our time in therapy talking religion when we have other things to discuss.  I sent a text to Jade and let him know that I wouldn't be meeting with the Bishop unless he felt it was necessary.  I didn't get a response, but my gut told me that I needed to meet with the Bishop, so I scheduled it with the Executive secretary.  I feel like such a bother, both to the Bishop and to Jade.

Last week, Jade told me how strong I was becoming.  I finally told him that he is being paid to say that.  He got a little upset by that and told me that I should know him and that he doesn't blow smoke.  He has been quite blunt with me before.  I have had to tell him a couple of times that it didn't feel good leaving his office, and I didn't appreciate how blunt he had been.  Hopefully, he doesn't take that as a "I need to be more blunt with Mary", kind of impression because I don't think I can do blunt right now. 

Today is David's birthday.  There are so many things going on in my head.  My stomach is in knots as I have pondered on this day.  I have pondered on the kind of brother he was, and of course I have pondered on my abuse.  This year is the first year my parents know of the abuse.  I wonder how they are handling the day.  I know how I am, it is very hard.  It is hard to focus on my work as many of my thoughts go back to David's birthday.  I have had a hard time writing the date, and often have to look at the calendar to see what the date is really. 

This week is a tough week all the way around as not only is it his birthday, but also his death date as well as the anniversary of my first flashback.  I have been reflecting on my first flashback and just how far I have come since then.  I was a complete mess.  It came upon me like a load of bricks.  There was a lot of shame in sharing the flashbacks.  There still is.  This last week, I even paused while reading my letters to Jade because I didn't want to say it out loud.  I think he noticed the pause because it was long enough for me to look down the letter and see where I could start again.  I have to trust someone.  This is just so freaking hard.

I went to my session with Jade on Saturday.  We talked a lot.  He had me read my letters to my Dad.  He asked if I would be willing to send my letter to my Dad.  I told him "no".  I am not ready for that yet.  We talked about the Sabbath and again how I intellectually know that I am worthy to partake of the Sacrament, but not emotionally.  Jade brought up the fact that I needed to use my "wise mind" to get me thru the Sacrament.  We talked about the emotions that come with partaking of the Sacrament and how it really is an emotional thing to do but for me, I have to think of it as intellectually.

Jade asked about how my relationship is with my Bishop.  I have had some issues with the Bishop and so my relationship is not quite there.  Trust is very difficult for me.  I gave the Bishop 3 bills that he offered to pay.  When it got to the point that my Health insurance and my Car insurance was going to cancel, I couldn't wait for my Bishop to pay them.  So, I paid them.  I feel like he let me down.

I have had a lot of thoughts going thru my little head.  I did some therapy homework while Jade was gone on vacation.  I think I was triggered by my homework.  Well, I guess I shouldn't say I think, I know I was triggered by my homework.  It has been dang hard as I sort thru my thoughts. 

One of my thoughts keeps taking me back to a memory of my Dad.  I love my Dad, I always have.  I have been reminded of one day when I was little.  He would tickle me until I couldn't breathe.  I would keep yelling at him to stop.  It wouldn't stop until I could kick myself out of it, or I would start crying.  My Dad doesn't like crying.  I remember he would get so angry when my Mom would cry during the prayer. 

I have been saddened by some of these memories.  I wish that I could stop the memories.  When I first started this journey, I felt that I had been shown enough.  It was bad enough that I had to learn about the abuse by my brother.  What if I find out that I was abused by my parents?  I can't take it any more.  I need Pandora's box to shut.  I need it to shut until I am ready to handle more.  Jade keeps telling me that I am stronger than I know. 

As I think of this Pandora's box, I wish that I could go back to the beautiful childhood that I thought I had.  I want to look at my life thru my rose colored glasses where everything is peaceful and everything is beautiful. 

I have had some time to sit and ponder on my thoughts yesterday.  Last night Jan Greenhalgh came to our house to do a Bishop's order.  She sat and listened as I cried.  It was good for me to cry, I needed to let some of my emotions out.  Today, I am pretty much either drained or numb because I don't know what to feel today.

As I read some of my thoughts from yesterday, I am reminded that only the Lord knows the end from the beginning.  Right now, I am in the middle, I can't see beyond my hand in front of my face.  That's ok for now because it is what it is. 

I have a lot to process with Jade this week as it has been two weeks since we have met.  I will admit, I am nervous about my session.  A lot has gone on in two weeks.  At first, I thought, I could do this by myself, that I don't need therapy anymore.  Now, I feel like I want to do this by myself so that I don't have to open up to Jade or anyone else for that matter.  I know it is better to talk about it and get thru some of my distorted thoughts, but I don't want to feel judged.  Again, that is just me. 

I don't want to do this anymore.  I think I want to take a break from therapy for right now.

Today and last night were emotional times for me.  I have felt like crying pretty much all night last night and into the day today.  I even did cry a little as I wrote an email to my Bishop.  He has had me searching Trust.  In reading my scriptures on Sunday, I found in the footnotes of one of the scriptures that I had read the word "doubt".  As I read the scriptures on doubt I found that I have a lot of doubt right now.  I read a talk from Elder Holland, he relayed the story of when a man brought his sick son to Jesus to be healed.  The Lord then asked him if he believed.  The man then said, "Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief."  That statement just hit me.  I want to believe, I want the Lord to help my unbelief.  I want the Lord to help me find him. 

I ask if doubt is wrong.  As I search the answer to this question, my personal answer is "no".  Because of my doubt, I am searching, and I am finding.  I am finding answers that I never really knew.

I need to be up front, when it comes to prayer, I suck at it.  This blog is for me and as such, I am going to open up my feelings of prayer (I think) and try to work thru it on my own. 

When I was a little girl, we had a standard prayer that we learned how to speak by my mother.  It went as this- Now I lay me down to rest, angels guard my pretty nest bless..... and we would go thru the entire family.  I remember my Mom would tell me what to say, one of which was "bless me to grow big and strong."  I didn't want to grow big, and I didn't want to be strong.  I would fight her on that comment nightly.  As I grew older, she stopped coming into my room to hear me pray.  I guess I got out of the habit.  Jed is not much of a praying man and so it became dependent on me to do the praying for my family.  Now, I constantly have a prayer in my heart for our safety, but one of the last times I prayed out loud I started having flashbacks of abuse.  Now, I understand that the Lord needed me to know this.  I truly believe that, but it doesn't mean that I am not scared.  I am scared, I am scared to learn more, I am scared of how he will answer me.  Deep down I am scared that he will tell me that he does love me.  I am already so confused as to what love is right now.  If I do find out that God truly does love me, did he love me then?  If he loved me then,why doesn't it feel like love.  Isn't love supposed to feel like happiness and joy?  What happened?  What did I do to deserve this?  I am asking, Why Me? ( and yes, I know people would say "why not me"?  but I can't bring myself to ask that yet).  It doesn't feel right to feel loved.  Why does this have to be important for me to learn?  Does love come with conditions because right now I feel like it does.  The better person I am, the more loved I become.  If I do find that God loves me, and he did allow all of this to happen to me, then do I need to forgive God?  Do I need to forgive myself from needing to forgive God?  How do I forgive myself?  Did I do something to bring attention to me by my Dad and Brother?  Maybe if I would have worn different pajamas?  My hell this is a mess!

Yesterday, I received a call from the 1st Counselor in the Bishopric.  They had a calling for me.  After many tears and searching thru scriptures I was reminded of Mosiah 4:27.  It is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  Right now I have very little strength.  I am burning the candle from both ends.  School starts next week, it will be good to start having a routine again.  The girls need something.  I was called to be over the Visiting Teaching in the ward.  I will admit I am a little stressed but again, I have to have faith that the Lord will give me the strength that I need to complete my calling to the best of my ability. 

I did have a complete mental breakdown yesterday before my meeting with the bishopric.  There is an opening in Young Women's.  I cried because I know that I will one day be back in young women's.  I don't know when but right now, in my life, I can't do it.

I think I have been avoiding my emotions since Jade has been out of town.  It's almost like my emotions don't really matter.  It feels as though they are not even there.  I don't know how to fix it, and to be honest, it is very frustrating to me.  I don't understand.  I don't like feeling numb.  I know I should be feeling something but I just don't.  I have been numb for a very long time and it doesn't seem to be letting up.  Sometimes I will get an overwhelming amount of anxiety and I fight it back down because it is not the time nor the place for it to come. I really need some help sorting thru this.

So, I have been keeping myself busy since Jade has been out of town.  I do still get a lot of anxiety when I think about missing therapy for 2 weeks and so I just block it out.  I read online that by keeping myself busy it is a sign of dependency and abandonment.  So, the question I ask myself is this "am I avoiding my emotions?"  Yes!  Do I want to confront them while my therapist is out of town?  No!  I am safer by avoiding them.  When it talks about feelings of abandonment I remember as a child my father always leaving home on business trips or military trips.  It was a lot when I was little.  I struggled to feel safe with my mom as the care taker.  In my head, I had the escape plan in the event of a fire so planned out that I even knew that I would be responsible for getting baby Steven out of the house.  I checked the locks every night, several times.  I would sleep with a sibling as often as I could.  That was physical abandonment.  Emotional abandonment is another story.  I am still struggling with emotional abandonment.  The questions of "why didn't anyone protect me"?  Or "Where were you when I needed you?".  I even have this deep feeling of abandonment from my Father in Heaven, again "where were you?"  I still often wonder.  I know that it is not fair to ask that of him, but it is a question that is real.  I have read in the scriptures that the "spirit" cannot dwell in any unclean thing, so did the spirit leave the room when I was being abused.  I was worthy of the spirit, but the situation that I was in there is no way the spirit could have been there with me for that.  I don't know if I even would have wanted it to be.  It is disgusting for me to still see the images in my head, I can only imagine what Heavenly Father must think.

Jade has been gone 5 days.  I have only had to text him once.  I have wanted to text him numerous times but I know he is on vacation and deserves to have a break from me.  In our last session, Jade talked to me about how I "intellectually" know the church is true, and that I am worthy to partake of the sacrament, but that "emotionally" I am not.  On Sunday, when the Sacrament was passed I remembered our talk and also reading the scriptures and I really wanted to pass on the Sacrament because my emotions were so high strung that I struggled to compose myself.  I reminded myself that I was worthy, but in my heart, it was a hard Sunday. 

Later that night I went to the addiction recovery group.  It was step 2 on hope.  It was going really well, until it came to be my turn to speak.  I talked about how I was reading the scriptures and found the scripture that "all things" would work together for my good.  I was grateful for the program, and for the Atonement.  After I spoke a gentleman spoke and he told the group his wife was dying of cancer and he said some pretty hard things.  It was too much to take in and left the group stunned. The last gentleman to talk spoke about how we totally got off the subject of hope and totally floored me.  I am not sure I will be going back.

Yesterday, I got a letter from the State of Utah indicating that I am found eligible for vocational rehab.  That was pretty exciting except for when I read that I was "severely disabled" according to the rehab standards.  I don't consider myself disabled, so that was pretty hard for me to read.

I have been doing my homework as requested.  I don't see Jade for another week and a half.  I have been keeping myself busy, which means that basically the work has stopped until I get back with Jade.  Heaven only knows how that will go.

Tomorrow is the day Jade leaves out of town.  Jade was able to work me in yesterday and so I had a session with him.  I was grateful he worked me in.  We talked about my discussion with my parents and then started talking about my homework.  I didn't bring my homework because my appointment was on such short notice.  I look forward to him coming back from his vacation to discuss my homework with him.  He kept reminding me that I was strong.  I think that my session yesterday I was very guarded with my emotions, and I think that Jade sensed that as well.  He thanked me yesterday for sharing what I did with him, he has never done that with me before.  It was hard for me to open up with him knowing that he would be on vacation.

Another thing that I read helps to write down your dreams.  Ever since I disclosed to my parents I have had a hard time sleeping.  I dream every night.  I have dreamed about babies.  I can't have anymore children but it seems I dream of babies.  In doing some research I have found that baby dreams is your inner child trying to get out or to tell you something.  Two nights ago I dreamt that I fell asleep at work, in researching that, I found that there is something that I am trying to avoid.  That doesn't surprise me.  It doesn't surprise me that I am dreaming of babies while I do my Child Within homework.

Jade asked me to write every day and journal everything.  Last night, I had a break down.  I still struggle with what I have done in telling my parents.  Their attitude towards me has changed.  Yesterday they dropped off a month's worth of groceries, or so it seemed.  It was very nice, but not necessary.  After having some time to myself, I asked Heavenly Father how women know that they are a daughter of God?  I asked him how much longer I needed to go thru this particular trial.  I then opened my scriptures to D&C 50:5.  It talks about enduring to the end, and by enduring, I can gain eternal life.  I remembered my walk on Saturday.  Sometimes the road seems so long, and sometimes you make a turn and can't see the road in front of you.  Life is like that road.  Right now, my road seems long, and I have no idea where I am going.  I can't see my life in front of me right now.  I keep being told I need to hang on.  The only way I can do that is if I get the support that I need.  I am learning thru my homework, I don't know my needs and so often, my needs are not being met.  I still have that "let me do it by myself" attitude.  I don't know how to let someone else meet my needs.  So many of my needs were not met as a child.  It is very difficult to read thru the lists of needs that are usually met in my Child Within book.

I went for a walk on Saturday.  I hiked Holbrook Canyon and then walked down.  As I walked, I listened to my music and did a lot of thinking.  I really feel that Heavenly Father wants me to keep going down this path.  I feel that I have not finished what I was meant to do with this trial, and that truly the end might not be really near, but I have to keep going.  Which means to me that I need to continue with therapy, even though it is hard.  I feel like Jade is taking me where I need to go.  My Dad when I told my parents that I didn't know that I was a daughter of God, assured me that is the most important thing for me to know.  That once I know that I am a daughter of God, then I will be able to love myself.